As Usual Douchebags are 99% of the Problem.

Following the writing of my "Summer Movie Preview," I've been on a bit of a hiatus from the blogosphere (ok fine 5 months). A large reason for my absence from the world of angry internet ranting is the fact that soon after I incorrectly predicted "Cowboys & Aliens" would be good, I lost my job. Yes despite the fact that I was a model employee for an anonymous major oil corporation not named Shell, Texaco, or Exxon they canned me at a moment's notice. Such is the reality of modern America amidst the recession. Even if you've been working someplace for a while, under the impression that showing up at 915 and taking 30 minute poop breaks after lunch isn't gonna get you axed, your boss may be on the verge of firing just to cut some costs. Anyways once I was back out on the street without a source of income I decided to do what any rational, hard working American would do. I called up a couple of my friends who were also unemployed and suggested that we all road trip to New York City with the intention of taking down the man holding us down. We'd camp out in a park by Wall Street, with clever signs protesting corporate America and make sure our voices got heard by the 1% of Americans that control all the money and power in this country. Seemed like a fool proof plan to ensure this economy was fixed immediately.

Oh wait nevermind...actually I didn't follow that plan of attack since I'M NOT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. Unlike the people who are the subject of this week's Lawn rant: the "Occupy Wall Street" brigade. Jesus Christ these kids should have been aborted. What a bunch of attention starved, spoiled assholes. I can't believe anyone gives these people the time of day. We'll get to their "cause" later but before we address the actual issues supposedly being protested, I think it's important we take a look at the faces of these "victims." For the most part they are people like me. Twenty something children from middle class backgrounds struggling to find jobs in this wretched economy. There are few people actually struggling to put food on their table amongst the crowds of douchebags gathering in NYC parks protesting the "Evil 1%." At least, I assume they could buy some food if they sold their Ipods, Ipads, Macbook Pro or $45 Che Guevara t-shirt they bought online. They probably have savings accounts and credit cards to live off of, and a family member or two willing to give them a roof over their head while they make the effort to idk SEARCH FOR A JOB. You know, that crazy process that involves working on your resume, sending in applications to 500 different companies hoping for one interview, and taking the initiative to find work anywhere that'll pay you peanuts. Of course there is not really any time to do any of these things when you are busy making witty signs, dressing up like George Washington and organizing drum circles around a tent.

I'm sure a lot of people are probably like "Waaaah! But I HAVE tried to get a job and I can't! It's such a struggle! My degree should ensure me a job!" Yeah sorry not the case buddy. I saw one asshole with a sign that said "My sign would be better if my school hadn't cut our art funding." Umm...well there's one problem chief...you have a fucking ART degree. What exactly does that qualify you to do? Newsflash fuckface, no matter how much the corporate hierarchy changes, the ability to discern between Monet" paintings is never gonna have employers drooling at the prospect of bringing you on board. I know you thought your summer in Munich would really prepare you for the real world, but now it turns out that minor in German isn't a great resume bullet point. Shoulda taken Spanish so you could at least help run your uncle's landscaping firm. We are living in a world where experienced lawyers and business professionals can't keep their jobs. Do you really believe your shitbag liberal arts degree in Sub-Saharan anthropology means you're OWED a job? It doesn't.

Of course the real question is what exactly are these Generation Y asshats trying to accomplish with their protests? What is the "cause?" Better yet what is the "injustice" that you are raging against the machine in the name of? If you ask one of these Occupy revolutionaries, they will give you some rambling stoned answer about "Corporate Greed" and "Taking the power out of the hands of the 1%" and any other number of slogans ready for a Vespa bumper sticker. None of them actually know what the problem with our economy is any more than you or I do. They certainly don't have a "solution." Basically the gripe is "The rich are filthy rich and control all the wealth...and continue to be swimming in Scrooge McDuck piles of gold while the rest of us struggle." Yeah well....that's the way it's always been. Ain't gonna change any time soon. As I've mentioned before, protesting is an absolutely fruitless labor. No corporate CEOs wiping their ass with Ben Franklin's face are gonna go "oooooh look at all those angry kids with cardboard signs, better fix the way we do business ASAP." You're wasting your time. Protesting has never gotten one unemployed person hired in the history of the planet, and something tells me your efforts are gonna come up just as empty.

So what should you do? I don't know, maybe the same thing I did. You know me, an English major with an absolutely useless liberal arts degree who somehow found a way to get a job in this shit economy. Yeah it fucking took forever and yeah it pissed me off on a daily basis. Yeah I spent many nights crying into a bottle of Evan Williams while listening to Blues records (maybe should have left that part out). I dealt with it though . By doing everything within my power all day, every day to find SOMETHING I was qualified to do. You OWS shitheads should try doing the same. It may not be that dream job that "gives you a sense of fullfillment" or "challenges you" that you cockfaces these days long for. I guarantee however, there is some way you can make yourself a productive member of society, that doesn't involve making signs and yelling at rich people. Stop occupying city parks and corporate sidewalks, and go occupy a staffing agency. Pretty sure they have a better shot at landing you a job than your smelly bongo bandmate does anytime soon.

Top Reasons Mom is Rad

I was going to write this obvious post yesterday, but unfortunately I just moved into a new apartment with no internet yet, so I had to wait till Monday morning to pay tribute to mom. Anyways, as everyone knows, yesterday was Mother's Day and assuming you aren't a complete dickhead with no soul (i.e. a Nickelback fan) you probably did something nice for the lady that raised your ass. At the very least, you gave her a call to tell her how awesome she was, and you arranged some way to get her flowers. I mean even I accomplished this, and I'm the asshole who's been thrown out of a bar on Mother's day for "making a scene" at noon (#Winning). I digress. At any rate, the bottom line is mothers are ridiculously awesome, and we should all appreciate everything they've done for our ungrateful asses over the years. Which is why at least once a year we pay tribute to them. As I'm going to do now with The Lawn's Top Reasons Mom is Fucking Rad.

1. Moms say the Darndest Things

Before we get to all the sappy, nice things we appreciate about our mothers, lets be real for a minute. Can we all just admit that each of us spends at least a couple hours a week making fun of how crazy their mother is? I mean...I know I do. The fact of the matter is every woman who has gone through labor at some point..is a little batshit nuts (Reason #252662 I hope neither Palin or Hillary gets elected president). I don't know what it is. I assume the more children you have, the crazier you are, which is why my mother (whose only pride and joy was yours truly), is slightly less insane than the mothers of some of my Catholic friends. First of all, if your mom hasn't heard from you in over 48 hours, she immediately comes to the conclusion that you are dead. It's a fact. I mean there's never a logical explanation for you forgetting to return one voicemail from your mom over a weekend, like...idk...you were busy enjoying your weekend. No you definitely got sauced up and drove your car off of a bridge (Certain Rad weekends, I admit..this thought is not THAT far-fetched). Mothers also like having views on political/social issues which can be another powder keg. Especially if there is wine involved at a family gathering (mothers love voicing opinions drunk). One second, the same woman who didn't approve of racial profiling at airports, has decided to share with the table her belief that all Arabs are terrorists that shouldn't be given green cards in America. Finally, moms love using clever sayings in everyday conversation...and 75% of the time they deliver the saying completely wrong. For example my mom likes to regale me with stories of how the waiter at dinner last night was "Queer as a dollar bill." I've stopped bothering to explain to her that there is in fact nothing strange about a dollar bill, and that say..a three dollar bill would be "queer." Using logic with a mother is simply too much work.

2. Moms believe EVERYTHING

With apologies to those of you from single parent households (With extra-Rad moms)the five greatest words a child can hear growing up (especially a boy) are "I won't tell your father." That phrase is essentially a "Get out of jail free" card for us little troublemakers. This is because we know if we do something bad, and dad catches wind of it, we are totally fucked. You can't rationalize bad shit to dad, he is always just gonna assume you were in the wrong because you are a bratty asshole (fair assumption). He knows that your art teacher didn't call the house to complain about your behavior, because you "politely asked to be excused from detention." Pops can totally see through that bullshit. That's why when you got in trouble you always told ONLY mom first. Mom's believe anything their little angel tells them. You can totally spin some bullshit story rationalizing anything you did, and your mother will buy at least 50% of it. For example, in 6th grade back in ancient times when kids still looked at Playboys, my mom found my Jenny McCarthy centerfolds stashed inside my Street & Smiths NFL preview. When she asked me "what's this" (idk why moms phrase all inquiries this way...like wtf do you think it is mom, it's a naked blonde in a shower) I had a logical explanation. I had lent said football magazine to my friend Ian O'Connell up the street (neighborhood dweeb) and he must have slipped nudie mags in there before returning it to me. She totally bought it. This of course became a go-to excuse for the rest of time ("Uh yeah mom, you see I lent Justin my jacket and...he must have slipped his marijuana pipe in my inside pocket. Weird."). If I ever need somebody to testify on my behalf at trial Mom is at the top of the list.

3. Moms are Domestic Goddesses

I know this may come as news to many of you younger folks, but there was once a time (a "horrible, oppressive" time for the ladies I might add) when women were solely responsible for cooking and cleaning in the house. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm telling the God honest truth. Not only that, women took pride in this role. That's why nobody can whip up a meal and make a floor look shinier than mom. Seriously have you ever seen how fast a mom can make a house spotless? It's ridiculous. I try to clean my place like once a month and usually it takes me a solid day to make my home look presentable. Moms just roll into a pigsty and can make the joint look brand new in like 30 minutes. "la la la, scrub this, vacuum that, do some dishes" BOOM. DONE. As for cooking? Forget about it. There's a reason mom's home cooking tastes so much better than anything else you've tasted in your life. Moms make everything literally fresh from scratch. There's no pre-processed crap in mom's cooking. You see back in the day when mom learned to cook she didn't have a million packaged ready-made meal items at her disposal. If you wanted wild rice with your meal, mom actually chopped up onions and mixed together spices and made it. She didn't just pour a Rice-a-Roni country rice pack into a pot and follow the easy to read directions on the box (This is why mom recipes don't have real measurements just "pinches" and "splashes" of ingredients). Mom actually slaved over some sort of Rad Mexican casserole dish for dinner, she didn't just buy the Tex-Mex "Hamburger Helper." Seriously if you find yourself a woman that operates at 1/3 of the domestic efficiency of your mom..put a ring on that shit...immediately.

4. She like...carried you for 9 months in the womb and such

Probably the greatest thing about being a man (along with the ability to piss outside anywhere at a moment's notice) is the fact that we can't get knocked up. Seriously being pregnant must FUCKING SUCK. Can you imagine just having to quit drinking and smoking at the drop of a dime as soon as you got the results of some test you peed on? Oh sorry, I meant quit drinking and smoking for NINE STRAIGHT MONTHS?? I would shoot myself. I mean even rehab is only 30 days, and then you can get back to the party. If I go nine days without said vices I am likely to develop homicidal tendencies. Then there's the minor factor of you ballooning up and carrying all this weight you're not used to carrying because you have some little asshole growing inside of you. I mean other than Tyler Perry, what man would want to spend 3/4 of their year walking around in a fat suit? NOBODY. No wonder pregnant women are always irrationally pissed off at their spouses. "Oh sorry I'm a little cranky today but...I HAVEN'T HAD A FUCKING BEER OR CIGARETTE IN 5 MONTHS AND I LOOK LIKE A WHALE YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE!" Then of course there's the whole procedure of "going into labor" which I've heard is basically like being kicked in the dick repeatedly for eight straight hours. No wonder they call that shit "labor" sounds like some fucking serious work to me. Yeah moms go through all these sacrifices, and put up with all this bullshit, just so they can bring you into this world (You of course repaid her by crying about shit immediately upon arival). That's pretty Rad.

So the next time you're annoyed with your mom for bitching about you not calling enough, or telling you retarded boring anecdotes with no point, or being politically incorrect at the dinner table post Chardonnay #5, think about these things. Remember for all their minor faults, your mom is pretty badass. So no matter what, treat your mother right: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFNJLs-Ql0o

I HAVE A JOB! I'M SO BUSY! WOE IS ME!

Those of you outside of my close social circle may not have known that until about two months ago my professional occupation aside from angry blogging was: Living The Dream. For those of you not privy to common folk talk I was what the world technically labels "unemployed." I know this probably comes as a shock to most of you. I mean you would assume from my writing that I was a succesful member of the US workforce who easily balanced my six figure 9-5 with a side career as a prolific angry blogger. Or perhaps from my rants on law students, Facebook, and law students on facebook, you thought: "This is certainly a world class multi-tasker who hits the books and writes 10 page legal memos by day, while writing rants about shitty rock bands at night." Alas, both of you were wrong. I was actually a casualty of this economic recession that is either entirely George W. Bush's fault or entirely Barack Obama's fault depending on which party's rhetoric you are blindly overzealous about.

Now however, I am thankfully back to being a productive member of society who works in an office five days a week and collects paychecks to cover the bills. Which means of course that it's time I do the logical thing and bitch about how much it sucks to return to a life in the professional world. I now present to you the Lawn's Top Five Reasons Working Sucks.

1. Waking up Early

Lets get the most obvious perk of unemployed life out of the way. You know what rules about your mornings as a jobless bum? They don't exist. Mornings? The only motivation I had to even get out of bed each "morning" was the fact the sportscenter marathon each day ended at 1pm. So as long as I got up by 1145am, giving me enough time to stand up, put my sweatpants on, take the dog out, and boil ramen noodles for "brunch" my day was on schedule. Now of course this is not the case. Not only do I have to wake up before 1145, I have to wake up at an ungodly hour that allows me to reach the office by Seven O'clock. Jesus fucking Christ. I haven't had to wake up to regularly do something at 7am since...never. I mean in college I had one semester of 8am classes, but that entailed rolling out of bed, throwing on a hoodie and walking five minutes to go sleep off my hangover in the back of an auditorium. I didn't have to actually shower, look presentable and then drive in Texas traffic to go sit in the same place and be productive for eight consecutive hours. I have no idea what asshole in a corporate office setting thinks that the workday should start at 7am. The only people who should have to be working at 7am are day-laborers like construction workers and those employed by landscaping businesses. (You thought I was gonna say "Mexicans" didn't you? Fucking racist.)

2. Drinking is now limited to the weekends.

Those of you who know me well "LOLed" at the ridiculous claim I just made above. Ok ok. Lets not exaggerate here. Clearly a stressful job at a lower level corporate support position didn't lead me to magically curtail my weekly drinking days from seven to two. Then again my definition of "drinking" is not the same as yours. If I go out to dinner and drink a bottle of wine, I can muster the strength to get up the next morning to face the workday without too much of a struggle. If I go out to happy hour with a bunch of hard partying law students who think happy hour should literally last...an hour...those three to four moderately paced Miller Lites are not gonna give me a massive AM migraine. If I want to actually "drink" though...by my definition, life the next day is eight hours of hell. Going to work hungover is absolutely miserable.

Those of you who just need your morning coffee to overcome a hangover must drink like pussies. Anybody who actually drinks knows coffee just dehydrates you further, so if one AM Cup O' Joe makes you chipper for the rest of the day you didn't have a real hangover. Generally a job like mine doesn't involve too much physical movement, but for some reason anytime you are hungover, your asshole supervisor will make you do some sort of manual labor. Put up these boxes. Take these carts away. Carry these 500 folders somewhere. Climb a ladder. Goddamnit. Every other day of the week you made me sit at my desk for eight straight hours mindlessly staring at a computer why clicking my mouse. Today I'm the office box carrying serf randomly? What a load of shit. Go to any office workroom on a Friday morning to witness Rad Bro abuse at its worst.

3. Small Talk

Ideally we would all go to work each day and only be forced to verbally interact with people when work projects needed to be discussed. "What should I do today boss man?" followed by prompt response of "You should do this." End of convo. Resume jamming out to Rad jams on Ipod while slowly completing neverending pointless, mundane project. We do not however, live in a perfect world of worker bees. Of course being an outgoing individual who doesn't lack for social skills, I don't have a problem talking to co-workers about subjects other than the job at hand. We all need a couple breaks a day to bullshit about sports, send funny e-mail links, and discuss how awesome Charlie Sheen is. What I hate however, is small talk. You know those mindless conversations where people make small talk and feign interest in how your life outside of work is going? These convos can never end soon enough.

Usually small talk takes place in the break room/office pantry with some socially awkward individual outside of your section that you somehow run into on a daily basis. He usually has a go-to convo starter like "is it Friday yet?" or "Surviving another day of fun?," or "Am I the only one ready for lunch already?" These at least can be brushed off with a brief response and quiet chuckle before quickly exiting. God forbid you get asked "How was your weekend?" though. You are now stuck for at least 10 minutes. Since I am fucking Rad I obviously can't give an honest answer as to what I did over the weekend. So I answer "Good...yours?" I really could give a fuck about their weekend but the "yours?" part is common courtesy that leads you down the road to the most boring story ever. They'll tell you about taking their kids to a museum, their dog, their visiting family and tell some endless story about how much fun they had from Friday through Sunday. God. Just once I'd like to scare the shit out of these people with a long-winded overexaggerated account of how fun my weekend was:

Office Dork: "Heyyy! How was your weekend buddy?"

Me: "Pretty fucking crazy. Had some college buddies come into town so naturally we were pretty much blacked out on a coke bender for 48 straight hours. Saturday night was really a disaster. We had to leave the bar early cus one of my bros was wasted on tequilla and started loudly yelling racial slurs at the bartender who cut him off. So we headed back to my place and ended up partying there for the rest of the evening. Naturally neighbors called the cops at 3am on a noise violation after they'd heard enough of Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" on repeat at max volume. Suffice to say when that knock at the door came, cleaning up all the blow, and hiding the passed out hooker in the closet was no easy task!"

(Responds with blank stare..never talks to me in pantry again)

4. "Hello?..Nah it's cool I'm at work but I can talk..what's up?"

It's about 1pm. I've gotten through the morning hangover by crushing two gatorades and eating a jumbo burrito for lunch. The boss has given me a break from doing laps around the workroom hauling boxes like some glorified post office worker in a suit. I managed to survive pantry small talk guy's story about his barbeque with the in-laws. Even the workroom radio's easy listening station has ceased to annoy me (Though if I hear Bryan Adams "Everything I do..I do it for You" one more time tomorrow I may go batshit). I've settled into a nice afternoon of relaxed database entry, while g-chatting and perusing an ESPN article. Then...the phone rings. Not an office phone mind you. No...a cell phone. One that most likely has a loud obnoxious ring tone of the latest club jam. Completely ignoring the company's "no personal phone calls during work hours" policy, some stupid bitch answers their phone. Then they proceed to talk LOUDLY on the phone to the point where everyone in the office can hear every detail of their ear-splitting convo. I HATE these people.

What the hell is wrong with you? First of all, the conversation never seems like an emergency that needed immediate attention. Either you're chit-chatting with your gal-pal about the latest neighborhood/family gossip or you're bitching about some annoying relationship drama that half the time doesn't even involve you directly. We know you "Told your girl that fool was no good." No reason to reiterate it to the rest of us who give less than a fuck. We actually live in a very advanced technological age where you can discuss your personal bullshit over a variety of mediums that don't involve loudly sharing your business with the world. E-mail. IM. Text. Whatever. Anything that doesn't involve us hearing your Jay Sean ringtone and your loud debate over whether some ho deserves better. Shut the fuck up.

5. Hearing people bitch about work

Funny enough, my number one complaint about work..is hearing people complain about work. I mean yeah I just spent eight paragraphs ranting about things that piss me off about my work day. In reality however, these things are really minor everyday obstacles that every person encounters in their weekly quest to survive another 40 hours of minimal stress that pays the bills and makes you appreciate the weekend. Assuming you're not a member of the secret service is not really THAT stressful. Some people however, make their lives in an office seem SOOOO hard. They tell you how unreasonable their boss's request is. Yeah well he graduated law school. You're a paper pusher. You get paid to ask "how high" when he fucking says jump. They whine about working late. OH NO. Are you gonna miss an episode of "Modern Family?" What a fucking tragedy :(. They bitch about getting a project RIGHT when they're about to go to lunch. Pretty sure you can survive another 30 minutes without your double cheeseburger, fries, apple pie...and diet soda. Might actually do you some good you fat bitch.

With the advent of the aforementioned age of technology and social networks/internet forums this is even worse. You get to not only hear the complaints of the co-workers in your cubicle section, you get to SEE the complaints of every person you know across the nation that works in an equally low stress career. I've of course covered this ad nauseum in my facebook posts, but now that i have an easy 9-5 (err..7-4) job again it's become even more annoying to see people complain about their easy jobs. Yeah working at a job sucks in comparison to slamming SoCo and lime shots at the club and tanning at the beach. In comparison to being...unemployed however, trust me it's pretty fucking Rad. So stop crying about how miserable it is to get paid to surf the web and chat on the phone while doing 3 hours of work everyday. Work sucks...suck it up.

Ease Up on the Madness guy

Today is known in the world of sports as "Selection Sunday" when the NCAA announces it's field of 64 teams that will play in a tournament to decide this year's college basketball champion. Basically if you consider yourself an American, this is one of the most important days of the year. I don't know anybody that doesn't appreciate the yearly phenomenon known as March Madness. First of all, it is by far the best playoff system of any major sport (pro or college). A bunch of teams actually decide a sports champion without the use of computer rankings and seven game series'. Second of all, it is fueled by one of America's favorite pastimes: Sports gambling. Whether or not you give two shits about basketball, everyone throws down money to join a March Madness pool. Finally, it is an all day event that runs from noon till late in the evening. So it gives people across America a reason to skip school or work (or take a 3 hour lunch break at a bar) to watch 20 different crazy competitive games and get drunk all day. Of course, as is the case with all Rad activities, there are a group of lame people that ruin March Madness. Since this blog is more in the spirit of bitching about things, rather than focusing on life's positives I will now stop dwelling on the positives of the NCAA tournament. Instead I now give you the top 5 annoying groups of college basketball fans:

1. Fans with ZERO connection to the team they root for

You know the type. At some point in their life these people picked a random ass school to root for. Generally this happened when you were a kid and needed a cool Starter jacket to rock to school, and a group of players to emulate on the playground court. So you picked a college squad to follow. Totally fine. For example when I was a kid everybody and their brother liked Michigan because of the whole "Fab 5" phenomenon or North Carolina because they always had some Rad ballers that could dunk on everybody. Then of course, these kids grew up and ended up not attending their favorite hoops school. And ended up never setting foot in the state of their favorite hoops school. Yet somehow they maintained their manic loyalty to the college hoops squad they cheered on their whole life. Generally their argument is that they love the "tradition" of this team. Which is a bullshit way of saying they decided to stick with a college that is always succesful, rather than suffer with the fans of their own shitty college that didn't make it to the dance. The worst culprits in this category are Duke fans who couldn't find Durham, North Carolina on the map. They generally argue that they like Duke because "they play the game the right way." Which is a fancy way of saying "I like cheering for a bunch of white guys and non-threatening black guys without tattoos."

2. Fans with the in-state connection.

If you are an unaplogetic homer who jumps on the bandwagon for the college squad in your city of residence, that's cool. For instance, this year the St. Johns University program has experienced a resurgence. So if they make a deep run through the tournament, people in the city of New York have every right to get excited about it. I used to live in the DC area and go to Georgetown games every week. When they went to the Final Four a couple years ago, I rioted and celebrated in the streets like a black person or hippie did when Obama won the election. However, if you went to a smaller public institution two hours away from your state's major college powerhouse, you are not allowed to root for them. I don't give a shit if you "Got in there...but just decided not to go there." You went to Eastern Carolina? Yeah, well don't fucking root for Duke or UNC. You went to Central Florida? You can't live and die with every moment of Florida Gator hoops. I basically could have re-named this category "Ohio St. Fans." Ohio has approximately 7,000 random ass smaller state schools. Miami of Ohio, Ohio U, Dayton, Cincinatti, the list goes on and on. All of these fucking people root for Ohio State. Even though all these places have Division I programs of their own. This is total bullshit. People from one of these schools that do the "O-H...I-O" or "We don't give a damn about Michigan" chants at bars during a Buckeye game deserve to be kicked in the dick.

3. Family connection fans

There are many smart people in the world who attend good major colleges, enter a lucrative career and settle down in high-income areas. When these people have children, there is no guarantee no matter how hard they try to steer them in the right direction, that their kids will follow in their footsteps. In fact there is definitely a chance that your child will be a complete and utter fuck-up. You wanted them to attend your alma mater, but unfortunately they smoked too much pot in high school or got drunk the night before the SATs and couldn't quite meet your school's high (or average) admittance standards. Once these kids have established themselves as a total disappointment, they still want to maintain a good relationship with daddy so they go out of their way to cheer on their father's college in sports. "Oh I didn't go to school at (insert state powerhouse here) but I mean my dad went there and we used to watch games together all the time." Yeah well who the fuck cares? You didn't go to daddy's school and therefore have no right to be their number 1 obnoxious super fan. These are almost ALWAYS the craziest fans of their school of choice. They scream obsceneties and stomp their feet at every instance of frustration the team experiences. They talk shit to rival alumni about how "WE" beat them this season. This is total bullshit. Just because daddy went to your favorite hoops school doesn't change the fact that you never took bong hits with their star point guard in a dorm room. So drop the whole "WE" act and root for your own shitty program with lower academic standards.

4. Bracket pool super fan

This species of douchebag cares less than a fuck about college basketball during the other 11 months of the year. However, they don't want to be alienated from their college social circle or office when everybody else is engrossed in March Madness. So they join the NCAA tournament bracket pool with everybody else, hang on the edge of their seat with every upset or buzzer beater, and go absolutely batshit every time one of their picks is wrong. You would think they wagered their child's college education on their bracket rather than $5-$10 . They also get upset by games that have little to no impact on their bracket picks. They flip out because they lost one random ass first round matchup, rather than one of the teams they picked for the Final Four. They generally try to act like they understand basketball, so they can join in the water cooler conversation. They question why the team they picked to win kept "making fouls" and yell about the team's inability to cover the 5-10 white guy that hit the game winning 3, when they were double teaming the future NBA superstar driving to the basket. They just want to be accepted and make up for the fact that they never learned how to shoot a jump shot because they were too busy playing "Goldeneye" with their nerd friends in the basement.

5. Bandwagon Alumni

Having ripped apart every psychotic basketball fan that DIDN'T attend their favorite hoops squad's university, I might as well skewer all those dipshits that carry a snobby attitude about the fact that they did attend a school that made it to the big dance. These people rarely went to basketball games while in college, and make no effort to follow their alma mater's sports program. Once March Madness comes around however, if their college made it to the big dance, they are suddenly a devoted hoops fanatic. They overdo it, and cover themselves head to toe with team apparel. They regale you with stories about how they used to run into players at the library (total bullshit...why would an athlete be at the library?). They brag about how crazy the atmosphere is for the annual clash with their arch rival, even though they never camped out for tickets or rushed the court after a big upset. They look down on anyone who didn't attend a big hoops school, especially if they are rooting for a team that kicked their squad's ass. "Dude who is this loud asshole..? He didn't even go to UNC." is a common bitter statement they make as their team chokes away a lead. Yeah they didn't go to school there, but at least they're not just jumping on a bandwagon and pretending to be super invested in a team's fortunes. They've probably actually kept up with their team's recruiting, watched 10x the number of games you have, and can name more than two players on the team from the last five years. So don't act too high and mighty about your alumni status. You're not that much less annoying than the other four groups of aforementioned assholes

Anyways having offended every class of NCAA basketball fan, I will close by saying I hope you enjoy this totally awesome next two weeks of hoops action. Enjoy the day drinking (This year day 1 is on St. Pattys day..double dose of Rad), the class skipping, the gambling, and the homer bandwagon jumping to the fullest. Embrace this overload of America all over your ass, and don't let any of these five groups of dickheads ruin your March Madness experience.

Rappers That Suck Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA

Yesterday marked the 14th anniversary of the death of The Notorious B.I.G. If you don't know...now you know..he was arguably the most Rad rapper ever. Biggie was a fucking badass. He started hustling (for you white people "selling drugs) in Brooklyn when he was 12, and did a bid ("jail sentence") before he reached the age of 20. After getting jail he became an "indie" rapper which is to say he was an unsigned homeboy who rapped on the corner in the hood, and recorded demo tapes with money from his lucrative career in crack sales. Once he was signed he made two classic Rad rap albums that detailed his life as a crack dealer, gangster and all around fucking valedictorian from the School of Hard Knocks with a masters degree in keeping it real. Unfortunately, as is wont to happen to those who keep it mad real...his realness went mad wrong and he ended his career as most gangster rappers do..by getting capped ("getting murdered in a drive-by shooting"). So goes life when you're living by the strict gospel of The Ten Crack Commandments.

After Biggie passed gangster rappers and the whole keeping it mad real persona stuck around for a while, but then slowly, just like rock music, rap started to move in a lame direction. Rappers no longer needed to wear giant baggy jeans with timberland boots and rap about shooting people over drug deals gone wrong. Rappers no longer needed to be from "the streets." The "gangsta" in gangsta rap vanished completely and our crack slanging, glock busting heros were replaced by a bunch of retarded party hip hop and hipster backpack rappers. Culminating in the final step in the devolution of the Rad rapper seen in this week's Rapper That Sucks Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA.

God just take a look at Krusty the AssClown. What in all hell is going on with this dipshit? First of all sweet Urkel glasses. Nothing says keeping it real like a prescription from lens crafters that makes you look like a library assistant. Not seen in clear view, he is also rocking a rad winter cap with one of those fuzzy balls on top like your little sister wears while helping shovel the driveway. You would think that the hottest new rapper in the game would have some Rad iced out ("diamond studded") rolex on his wrist that you couldn't buy with two months salary. This fucktard is wearing some weird Casio kid style bright blue watch (or some sort of bracelet). I'm also lost on why he is wearing a two sizes too small Nike Sweatshirt from 1985 like my dad rocks while mowing the lawn. At least when pops wears the retro swoosh hoodie, he doesn't wear skinny jeans that he sags to flash his midriff and undies. You can't sag your tight jeans to show off the Hanes and wear a XS top unless you're parading in San Francisco. Finally he has a backpack on to show he is intelligent, educated and...not hard at all. The backpack is probably filled with...actual textbooks..as opposed to bricks ("Kilos") of cocaine and firearms. BOWWWWRING.

Lets take a listen to some of this fucktards killer rhymes and accompanying Rad rap video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj3DxJcQAIg&feature=related

Well that sucked a hearty bowl of dick. Before we address the actual shitty jam, can we talk about the lamest rap video ever? WTF? Rap videos are only to come in one of three formats.

(A) Video featuring lots of shiny things, expensive automobiles, money being thrown in the air and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Being rich as fuck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK-KFfYA2Vk

(B) Video depicting a Rad ghetto house party (or occasionally BBQ) featuring fridge filled with malt liquor beverages, row of low riders parked in driveway, homies in basketball jerseys or wifebeaters, and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Grindin' and getting wasted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6TUhx2wX0M

(C) Video about keeping it Mad Real in the hood featuring lots of close up head shots and Rad pointing hand motions, 78 dudes wearing head stomping boots and bandanas, filmed in front of a project building, on top of a project building, or in a project hallway. Subject Matter: Being hard as fuck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP0wsET8__Y

(Note: above 3 options can be replaced with Rad ridiculously high budget video about Killa Beez swarming the city if 78 dudes looking mad real are involved.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isumZjs3dKA

Well I guess "Whiz" (lame rap name) is attempting option B and fails miserably. Really? Coolers of Miller and Coors Light? Where is the fucking malt liquor? This house/pool party looks like it is taking place in your average high-income suburban residence in. What the fuck is with all the WHITE PEOPLE in this video? Why is a rapper hanging out with a bunch of dude bros at a pool party with some average looking white girls named Becky and Candace? Where the hell is the hot Mami' that looks like this?: http://www.celebs101.com/gallery/Gloria_Velez/227892/Gloria_Velez_9.jpg

As for the song itself, Whiz Khalifa decided to be the first rapper in history to pen an ode to smoking weed. The whole hook is just about laying "in the cut" and "rolling doobies up" (repeated 88x). Ok only your uncle the Deadhead talks about rolling "doobies." He also talks about getting "hella baked up" since he's evidently been spending a lot of time at SoCal skate parks. Also the rapping is in some super slow flow where Whiz actually anunciates all his rhymes so you can understand them (lame). The song is really about nothing as far as the verses, as Khalifa just puts together a bunch of random thoughts in couplets that don't rhyme. Long story short this is shitty suburban pool party music with no redeeming qualities. Might as well be listening to 311.

None of this should come as a surprise when you read that Whiz was born in fucking North Dakota, (where there are more moose than black people) and hails from Pittsburgh, PA. Hence his other hit "black and yellow" about the Steelers (Really? A rapper who likes The Steelers?)where he just..yup you guessed it: repeats that "black and yellow" on the hook 88x. I'm not even gonna bother attaching a clip to that 4 minutes of shit you've surely heard blared at a house party/club. Anyways since the Whiz Kid was named "hip-hop rookie of the year" by numerous publications, I'm sure we're in store for a whole summer of Rad rap jams about smoking doobies and crushing coors light at a moderate pace while dressing like a skater hipster Urkel. Just don't expect to hear that bullshit at my house party. I'll be busy keeping it mad real pissing off the neighbors bumping some N-O..T-O..R-I..O US..U just lay down slow: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDLlI5b55bk

I Once Went to a Museum and Ate Some Paella too...

Last week a buddy of mine sent me a BBC article regarding the current state of unrest in Egypt over Hosni Mubarek's refusal to step down as president. The article really presented a unique perspective on the daily protests taking place in Cairo. Was it written by a seasoned veteran field reporter from the BBC? No. Was it an insightful interview with a local Egyptian involved with the protests? No. Was it an eye-opening alternate perspective from one of Mubarek's supporters in Cairo? Nope. Obviously this article was the written opinion of a 23 year old British kid studying Arabic abroad in Cairo, who had joined in the protests over the last week. This jolly young chap assured the readers that the Egyptian people he was protesting with were extremely nice and treated him like a member of their family. Meanwhile, apparently crowds of Mubarek supporters on the other side of the conflict were a bunch of meanies who threatened him and his pals with vulgar insults. Upon reading this brilliant think piece from Winston Churchhill Jr. I had some strong social viewpoints of my own validated. Namely, the fact that in my humble opinion study abroad students are all fucking douchebags.

Seriously study abroad students are among the most obnoxious collection of pretentious tools on the entire planet. Seriously these fucktards have their heads so far up their own asses they could perform daily colonoscopies on themselves. As is the most case with most cool things that kids today ruined, the concept of studying abroad for a semester was great in principle. Instead of limiting your educational experience to the classrooms of your college campus, why not go out and learn something about the world outside of your own borders? Go out and familiarize yourself with a foreign culture. Pick up a foreign language. Try out new foods and customs. Witness the sights and sounds of another country. Then return home, and WHEN ASKED about your experience studying overseas, briefly tell us what you found most interesting, what you ate, and what tourist attractions you checked out. Done. If this were the standard procedure for kids who study abroad I would have no issue with this form of educational program. Of course this is never the case. Just as kids today can't simply say something positive about their favorite new hipster band without evoking hyperbole that makes them sound like the next Led Zeppelin, they also can't simply "enjoy" their foreign travels. No, for every kid that studied abroad had an experience that was "UNBELIEVABLE!" or "AMAAAZING!." And they will spare you no detail as to why their semester was so much more interesting than yours.

First of all, as evidenced by the aforementioned amateur BBC reporter from Cairo, when you study abroad within about a month you are officially an expert on all political, cultural and social issues of that nation. They will tell you what ethnic groups are the most divided over there. They will tell you how that country's residents feel about America, Britain or whatever allied country they happen to hail from, generally dispelling stereotypes you previously held. This is of course based on the fact that their assigned student sponsor or tour guide took them to a flea market, showed them the city's hottest dance club and taught them some slang terms, all while not stealing their passport or Ipod. Based on this ambassador of goodwill who they've been facebook friends with for a month now, study abroad students can tell you with 100% certainty that our perceptions of that country were completely wrong and that "They really don't have ill feelings towards America. Everybody was really nice to us." Yeah thanks, of course the foreign students in your exchange/study abroad program or your local sponsor were totally swell. They're kinda you know...educated..and supposed to be diplomatic. If a foreign exchange student comes to America they will probably have a high opinion of the Georgetown students or nice midwestern family they stay with too. However if we sent these kids to be shown around Biloxi, Mississippi by a couple of rednecks they'd probably feel a little less welcome. So maybe don't jump to conclusions on how an entire nation feels based on the opinion of one friendly kid you got drunk with who taught you how to say "cocksucker" in French.

Along with the fact that students gain the ability to solve all complex foreign conflicts between nations upon completing their study abroad experience, they also gain an insight into why the country they visited is so much nicer than the good ol' US of A. This is usually expressed through their longing for "real Italian food" or lamenting of the fact that "Guiness really tastes so much better in the UK/Ireland where it's served at a lukewarm temperature." Civil war and aviation museums in America no longer compare to the beautiful art museums and engineering exhibits they saw in Paris and Prague. This is all assuming of course that they visited Europe. If they visited a 3rd world country in say South America or Africa, they will regale you with tales of how much they miss the "personality" of the country they studied in. This is to say they miss taking pictures of themselves with impoverished minority children, gypsies, and farm animals wearing the area's traditional garb. "Just such a simple, beautiful culture over there, you couldn't imagine." Really? You long for the experience of hugging smelly children and holding goats? Go visit rural Tennessee. Fortunately when encountering these future peace-corp volunteers you don't have to hear about how much better the food was over there. Generally when all you have to work with in the kitchen cupboard is rocks, grasshoppers and sticks, you're not gonna be able craft too much gourmet cuisine for your backpacker guests from UVA.

Anyways I'm obviously not opposed to foreign travel. Once I have money I'd like to do the Anthony Bourdain thing and travel to some foreign countries, eating exotic foods and drinking beers with a higher alcohol %. Just..you won't be hearing all about how it changed my life and I now have a complex understanding of another culture that you can't relate to. I won't be bitching to you about how some beer with a "Veissen" or "Gartner" in it's name is far better than Coors Original. Most of all, I will not be longing to leave my comfortable existence in the greatest nation in the world to permanently reside in the mountains with goats and poor kids. So stop blowing yourselves study abroaders. Just because you've been to an art museum and enjoyed a bowl of authentic "ceviche" doesn't mean you're Christopher Colombus.

Y'ALL BITCHEZ IIZ GOIN DOWN TONITE!! LOL!! ;)

The Super Bowl is Sunday, which means that both the Packers and Steelers have only five days left until they do battle to determine whose obnoxious, oversized fanbase will lay claim to the Lombardi Trophy when this season's through. With two weeks in between the conference championship round and the big game, the first week is usually reserved for recuperating injuries, spending time with your family, or going on vacation to Cabo with your celebrity twat girlfriend and forgetting how to play quarterback. The week before the Super Bowl is when teams really get down to business with their actual preparation, but more than anything else the week before the Super Bowl is known for being the time when teams bust out the trash talk. Opposing players are called out for either playing dirty or being pansies. Opposing coaches call each other out for their cheap, underhanded tactics. Super Bowl media week is when you get all your WWE/Boxing style braggodocio in press conferences about who's kicking whose ass.

This year however, media week is a little different as nobody has to actually go out in public and boast about how inferior their opponent is. No, nowadays you can hide out in the privacy of your own bedroom behind the mask of the internet and do your shit talking in your PJs. You don't have to appear tough and act confident while spewing your bulletin board quotes at the podium. You don't have to look over your shoulder and worry about the person you're bashing actually walking up behind you and knocking you the fuck out. Instead of coming up with clever, headline-worthy soundbites that are worth splattering all over Sportscenter or the front page, now our heros of the gridiron can just quickly type out short, incoherent rants filled with typos, emoticons and childish acronyms like the ramblings of a 12 year old girl. This is because of the advent of a website that has completely pussified all athlete/rock star/celebrity feuding known..as "Twitter."

Twitter is absolutely the stupidest fucking excuse for a website (or "invention" for that matter), to come out of the modern era of technology. It serves absolutely no purpose and contributes nothing to the daily improvement of our society. I bash Facebook a lot, and criticize the fact that it has given a soapbox forum to the whiney crybabies and self-aggrandizing assholes of our generation. Well compared to Twitter, Facebook is a completely necessary social networking tool that does wonders for the world of communication today. Seriously Mark Zuckerberg is like the fucking guy who cured polio compared to the asshat that created the idea of Twitter. At least Facebook is of some use to people who don't want to simply spend all day telling people each time they dropped a deuce or make "lol" comments on their friend's hilarious quote they posted.

Twitter is like Facebook...if Facebook were nothing but Status Updates. It serves no purpose other than to validate the self-importance of douchebags by not only giving them a podium for their every thought or announcement, but also providing them a legion of "followers" to further feed their ego. Seriously has anybody thought about how ridiculous it is for people to sign up for a website as "followers?" You're not "friends" with people on Twitter, You're not "fans" of people on Twitter. You're a "follower." Like these people you've attached yourself to are great leaders taking you to the promised land as you "follow" their every move. It scares the shit out of me that millions of people care to "follow" each time Kim Kardashian takes a Yoga class or Ashton Kutcher "ices" a bro, or Jeanine Garofalo endorses a political candidate. Who the fuck cares? Don't you people have lives of your own to follow? Lives that are every bit as meaningless and mundane as these rich fucktards you spend your days deifying through your following of their newsfeed?

Anyways, getting off my soapbox and returning to my original point, it seems the main purpose of Twitter these days is to provide an outlet for rich assholes to talk shit about each other without having to actually be mean to their face. I would expect members of the Screen Actors Guild and Reality TV whores to engage in this sort of behavior where adults giggle to themselves as they throw verbal jobs from a distance at their foes hidden behind the fortress of the internet. Actors have always been self-righteous pussies who thought highly of their own opinions and used media outlets to bash their counterparts and the establishment. Athletes and rock stars however, should not be involved in all this if they're gonna feud. If my team's star linebacker thinks the halfback he's lining up against this sunday runs like a pussy he should go out in public and question the guy's manhood on TV. He shouldn't post: "You kidding me?! Ima Destroy that soft bigmouth this Sunday!! LMAO!! Watch Yo back! :)." If one rock frontman thinks another band's guitarist is a total dick, he should tell him to his face at an awards show and throw champagne on his supermodel girlfriend he used to bang a year ago. They shouldn't be lashing out at each other via "tweets." Can you imagine how lame the East Coast - West Coast rap war would have been in the age of Twitter?

@2Pac Death Row Till I Die "We iz on the West Coast which the BEST Coast!! LMAO!!Don't Git It Twisted Biggie Smallz ;) 2:57 pm

@Notorious B.I.G. King of NY "Homie Pleez! We know the East Coast Run shit up in her! LOL!! Y'all need to stop poppin' dem crazy pills!! :) 3:12 pm

@Puff Daddy Bad Boys "I thought I told y'all that we don't stop!!!! ROTFL!!!! 4:17 pm

I hope this week for the restoration of my faith in manhood that if the respective rosters of the Packers and Steelers don't get in a bar brawl at a Dallas strip club, or publically question the cujones of each teams' quarterbacks, that they just stay quiet. Wait till the ball is kicked off to do your shit talking, rather than resorting to updating your IPhones and Blackberry's with childish digs at the opposition. Pretty sure Jack Lambert and Ray Nitschke would never have expressed their disdain for each other through the use of a smiley face.

MTV True Life: I'm a Pussy

When I was growing up old men like myself had real problems to deal with. In addition to having to walk to school 10 miles away in 6 feet of snow, many of us had a number of serious issues to deal with. Your parents got divorced. Your step dad beat your ass with a belt if you didn't eat your vegetables. Your alcoholic uncle abandoned you in the car on hot summer days. Your sister was a cokehead stripper. You moved around a lot, from one shitty apartment to another. You had to work at a fast food joint to have money to afford a shitty car and buy pot. Shit was tough, and props to you for making it this far and becoming a fully functioning member of society in spite of it.

At some point however, kids stopped having real problems. They had stable upbringings. They grew up in a nice picket fence suburb. Dad wasn't hooked on the Wild Turkey and even played catch with them in the backyard. When they turned 16 there was a brand new Honda Accord waiting for them in the driveway. Life was easy, kids had no reason to complain. So they INVENTED problems to bitch about. Everyday nuances and minor obstacles evolved into "Problems" that kids took every opportunity to cry about. All this happened around the time that MTV stopped playing music videos and needed something new to fill their daily programming time slots. So MTV came up with the concept for "MTV True Life."

MTV True Life is a "documentary" series on MTV where kids who don't have real problems get an entire show devoted to them that brings light to their minor daily obstacles. Seriously fuck this show. It is ridiculous. I can't believe the "problems" these kids have that are apparently worthy of being the subject of a documentary. I saw one the other day that was MTV True Life: "I'm a Shopaholic." No joke this was an exchange in the show:

Overpaid Shrink Douchebag: "Well I think this is really the first step towards you getting cured. Cancelling your credit cards is a real step in the right direction. You're really maturing.

Spoiled Rich Bitch: "I mean...I'm just really scared if I can still control myself. I mean what if I wake up and suddenly have the urge to hit up an ATM and go to a 24 hour CVS and go on a bender...?

WTF. THIS IS NOT A REAL PROBLEM. Watching this made me angrier than Bob Sagat in "Half Baked" when he hears about Thurgood's "addiction" to marijuana. Waaaaah :(. You have an "addiction" to shopping? No you have an addiction to being a spoiled materialistic brat. This is not akin to the homeless woman that sucks dick in an alley to get $5 for a couple 40s. Instead of having an intervention for you, mommy and daddy should cancel your credit cards, take all money out of your account and make you get a job at the mall like a normal teenager.

There are 5000 other similarly miniscule problems that kids have to deal with that MTV has felt the need to document. MTV True Life: "I have Embarrassing Parents." MTV True Life: "I'm the Black Sheep." OMG. You have embarassing parents?? Yeah so does fucking everybody. Parents are by nature supposed to be embarassing. If you have parents that aren't embarassing you are probably one of those kids that has the "cool" parents who get drunk with you and let your friends smoke weed in the living room with no consequences. Later people realize these non-"embarassing" parents are shit shows. Oh no...you're the "Black Sheep" of the family :(. Everybody thinks they are the black sheep of their family. Maybe if you stopped dressing like such a fucking weirdo and got a real haircut you're family wouldn't treat you like the black sheep.

The worst are the kids who complain about how miserable their high school experience is. MTV True Life: "I'm a fat loser and nobody likes me and I get picked on." Cry me a river. Oh poor you, you're a fat loser and nobody likes you. Yeah well maybe if you weren't free basing Taco Bell every morning this wouldn't be an issue. Being fat is not a problem, it's a choice. Nobody "enjoys" high school except for the star quarterback and the prom queen. Who cares. Take solace in the fact that they will be an auto mechanic and stripper in 5 years respectively. There is an MTV True Life for EVERY minor issue high school kids have to deal with. MTV True Life: "I have Acne." MTV True Life: "I have stupid tatoos." There are seriously two SEPARATE MTV True Lifes for..."I have small breasts." and "I have large breasts." Your bra size is NOT a fucking problem worth documenting.

I want to start my own reality documentary series. In it all these "MTV True Life" brats get dragged to the projects. They are forced to live in a small apartment with 10 other people. They are given foster parents with substance abuse problems who beat the crap out of them and feed them 7-11 burritos every day for dinner. They have to go to a dangerous high school. THAT would be a social documentary I would watch. Give these kids some real problems to deal with that make them realize their zits and addiction to over charging their credit card at Macy's are not REAL problems. Stop inventing problems to cry about regarding your easy privileged lifestyle kids. Life is a cakewalk for you. MTV True Life: "You are a pussy."

"I totally failed that test and need 2-3 Miller Lites to deal"

It's Mid August, and that unfortunately means that many of you are now going to be returning to school in the next week or so. When I say "school" I don't mean that wonderful 4 year fantasy camp known as your undergrad educational experience. No I mean law school. People that are stuck in shitty entry level positions go to law school because it gives them an excuse for why they never got promoted. "Oh yeah I mean it's not like I ever wanted to be a manager at this shitty job, I'm going to law school anyways." College graduates who go straight into law school do so because they don't wanna spend anytime languishing in a shitty entry level position before making the big bucks. They assume three more years of school will automatically end with a six figure salary and Mercedes convertible in their driveway. Married men go to law school because their wife makes more than them. Married women go to law school because they don't want to admit that Stepford Wife is the "profession" they are best suited for. (BTW...it is. So put the book down and get your hubby a Budweiser).

Anyways Law School fucking sucks. If you are currently attending law school you already know this. If you are about to embark on this journey, or at least thinking about it, the following is a list of disclaimers for you to pay attention to.

1. The Party's Over

As I've mentioned countless times, college is the most fun you will ever have in your life. It's a non-stop four year party where you will never be asked to apologize for your debauchery. If you are entering law school thinking this three years will be more of the same, prepare for severe disappointment. In law school nobody parties. People in law school are by nature "mature" which is a fancy word for "No fucking fun." The worst part is that at the beginning people in law school act like they might possibly enjoy a good time. They will go around discussing how badly they need a drink and organize a Happy Hour for us to all drink away our sorrows. Then you all get together at a bar where everybody talks about law school the entire time while drinking 2-3 miller lites at a moderate pace. Except for the small group of bros who get blackout wasted on tequilla shots and the chick in their newfound entourage of awesome that is making out with somebody while dirty dancing by 9pm. These people are fucking awesome. Enjoy them while you can because they will probably flunk out of school and not be around to provide you comedic relief in year 2.

2.Eye Candy = 0

In college no matter how hungover/still drunk I was, I generally went to class. Even if it was a fucking 8am Calculus class. Because in college you at least have ridiculous amounts of lovely eye candy seated around you to distract you from the fact that you are attempting to "learn" something while nursing a pounding headache. Even if girls didn't oblige you with their cutest sun dress or most cleavage friendly top, they at least came to class wearing those awesome cotton booty shorts with your school's mascot spelled across their ass. (Seriously who cares who invented a vaccine for polio, I want to shake the hand of the genius that invented college booty shorts. You fucking rule.) Anyways, this is not the case in law school. This is not to say there aren't hot chicks walking the halls of your institution of higher learning. There are. But you know how in teen comedies there's that girl that could be hot...but her beauty is hidden under those glasses, oversized hoodie, and sweatpants? Yeah...that's EVERY girl in law school. Goddamit. Yeah it's slightly colder inside our classrooms, than it is outside, but this is not an excuse to dress like you're going to a December football game in Green Bay every day. For some reason the only girls that get dressed up for class are married girls. This is because they are uppity twats that like to show up the other girls in the class who haven't been fortunate enough to get some loser cop to propose to them yet.

3. You will lose the ability to discuss anything but school

In normal everyday interaction people have to make the effort to start an intriguing conversation. Then everybody chimes in with their opinion on the matter or tells a funny story that relates to the discussion. Not skills required to succeed in the law school social scene. In law school, you only discuss law school...and nothing else. You talk about how much a class sucks. You talk about how much a teacher sucks. You talk about how much you hate studying. One of the first things you note when talking with law students is that everyone is "like totally failing." Law School classes are graded on a curve so it is actually completely inconceivable that all 90 members of a section would fail a class. You wouldn't realize this however, if you talked to every law student in your class. Fortunately the annoying bitch that is "totally failing" every subject and cries after final exams ends up finishing at the top of the class and transfers her total fail of a 4.2 GPA to a higher ranked law school in year 2. Law school students also love to inject legal terminology into a conversation whenever possible. This is because.."We're both in law school together!! And ONLY WE can relate to our feeble attempts at humor!!" The following is a typical law school convo:

Twat 1: "OMG I am totally gonna fail that class. It might as well be taught in Chinese cus I have NOOOOO idea what's going on.

Twat 2: "Ughhhhhh I know. Professor Collins is THE WORST!! How does he expect us to understand anything when he rushes through every slide!!

Toolbox in love with Twats 1 and 2: Seriously can I sue Collins for I.I.E.D.?!? ("Intentional Infliction off Emotional Distress")

ZOMG!! LOLZIES!!!!

(Kill yourselves)

4. It's like high school...but worse.

Remember high school? High school sucked balls. You have to spend 7 hours a day locked in a room with the same fucking people every day. You're all competing to ensure that you get into your dream college and the person you despise doesn't. You all engage in ridiculous gossip about one another. Everybody hates each other. Yeah well law school is high school on steroids. You have to listen to the girl with the annoying voice ask dumb questions every day. You have to hear the pompous douchebag openly discuss why he is on the path to legal success. You engage in discussion about who's a retard, who's a slut and who's an asshole. Except in law school, everybody pretends to like each other. Everybody friends each other on Facebook. Everybody compliments each other. Everybody commiserates about how tough school is. Then they commence shitting on the person they just had a pleasant convo with as soon as they leave the room.

You see in law school you have to act like a mature adult and can't openly voice your opinions about people to their face anymore after a few too many shots of Jameson. You have to be go through the motions of being a civil human being towards someone you despise, even if you secretly wish that someone would get eaten alive by a pool of piranhas. Well that is bullshit. If you don't like somebody you shouldn't be "friends" with them on an internet social network. You shouldn't engage in awkward personable small talk with them. You should just...you know...not associate with them. I think your jokes are stupid, hate hearing you open your mouth in class, and enjoy drinking more than 2 Miller Lites at Happy Hour. So I probably won't be hitting you up to hang out this weekend. Lets not go through the motions of being civil here.

All this being said...lawyers make shitloads of money, drive fancy cars, and are pretty much the only job market impervious to economic recessions. So if you're in law school...and manage to tolerate the above aforementioned shitbags for three years there will be a six figure salary and Mercedes convertible waiting for you at graduation. Guaranteed. So go ahead and gut it out kids.

Hipsters: Ruining all the Fun since 2001

I'm certainly not the first person to address the growing hipster problem in America. Hipsters are a plague on this great nation that need to be stopped before it's too late. Most people who hate hipsters, hate them for their personal douchey hipster characteristics. I on the other hand, hate the fact that hipsters have ruined things that normal people like myself could otherwise enjoy.

1. PBR

When I was in college, our household had a beer case purchase rotation. When it was my turn to purchase a case, instead of spending $9.99 for a 30 rack of Milwaukees Best or Natty Light, I would plunk down $10.99 for a 24 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. PBR rules, It's the only cheap beer that actually tastes like real beer rather than river water. It comes in a totally rad red, white, and blue can. Nuff said. Well at some point PBR became the official hipster beer. Now if you are to encounter a hipster at a party, or go to a seedy dive bar, you will find Hipsters downing PBR. I can see why hipsters are attracted to PBR. First of all it generally comes in a can, and it's totally non-conformist to drink beer from a can at a bar, rather than from a bottle or glass. Second, it's cheap and hipsters are generally in art school or an up and coming indie band and can't afford to drink expensive booze. So now I can no longer drink this glorious staple of America because I might be associated with one of these hipster douchebags.

2. Throwback basketball gear

Hipsters don't play sports. Unless you consider pool and dive bar shuffleboard to be sports. They also don't watch sports because they only like participating in activities their old man can't relate to, like going to see foreign films and checking out mash-up DJ shows. Hipsters however, love retro shit, and nothing is more retro than old school basketball gear. I like to think that Basketball shoes peaked in the 80s and old school sneaks are cheaper than the new Lebrons, so for casual rec league basketball I would like to own some old school Converse's or some old Nike Airs. I can't. Hipsters have fucking cornered the market on old school basketball sneakers. If a hipster ever bought a pair of New Balance sneakers, he would likely be disowned from his social circle forever. So they have to rock old school sneakers (preferably in an awful color like Orange or Green) to compliment their skinny jeans and show how retro they are. Hipsters have also ruined the concept of wearing throwback jerseys. Normally it would be cool to display the fact that you still have an old school Orange Rockets Robert Horry Jersey from 1995. Not anymore. At some point Hipsters decided to raid local thriftstores and Good Will outlets (where hipsters purchase a majority of their wardrobe), and purchase "ironic" throwback jerseys. Hipsters love irony and nothing is more ironic than the fact that you have chosen to wear the jersey of a random old school NBA player to the party (no shirt underneath of course). The more obscure the player the better so a Vernon Maxwell jersey definitely earns you more hipster points than say a throwback Charles Barkley.

3. Liking Indie Music

If you ask a cool angry old man what their favorite band is, they might answer "Led Zeppelin" or "The Rolling Stones." If you ask a cool younger kid they might say "The White Stripes." If you ask some loser born after 1986 they will answer "Dave Matthews Band" or "Coldplay." Regardless, the point is all of these people will answer with the name of a band you've actually heard of. This is an unacceptable practice in hipster culture. Hipsters by definition want to be "hip" and nothing is more hip than liking bands nobody has heard of. Hipster's love to have pissing contests naming off a list of their favorite obscure indie bands. Once a band becomes mainstream, hipsters no longer embrace their music. If you tell a hipster you like "The White Stripes" they will tell you how they haven't made anything decent since their 2nd album "De Stijl." Then they will tell you how awesome "The Decemberists" set was at SXSW last year. If you are a hipster the only mainstream bands you're allowed to like are "The Clash" and "The Ramones" because they're famous for being anti-establishment. What sucks is that there are occasionally cool bands that come out and stay under the mainstream radar initially. You saw them open for a cool band, bought their cd and think they are badass. Now you want to buy the band's t-shirt at their concert. You can't. If you have an indie band t-shirt you are labelled a hipster. That's why I wear Van Halen t-shirts. If you broadcast your love of Van Halen, you are clearly making no effort to be hip by any standard. Speaking of which....

4. T-Shirts

I live in Texas. It is hot as shit here for 9 months of the year. So I often have to wear t-shirts. Well my t-shirts are generally classified in 3 categories. (1) College t-shirts (2) Sports team t-shirts (3) Whiskey t-shirts. Well there are only so many options for cool t-shirts in these 3 categories. So once in a while I think to myself "Hey I'd like to buy a t-shirt with a funny saying on it." Or "I'd like to buy a t-shirt of a classic tv show." OR "I'd like to buy a t-shirt of my favorite modern sitcom." Well I can't because some hipster has already purchased that t-shirt and ruined it for everyone else. You like "Sanford and Son?" Well some hipster already has a t-shirt with Red Foxx on it saying "You Big Dummy!"You love "It's Always Sunny?" Some hipster dickhead has already purchased a "Paddy's Irish Pub" t-shirt and ruined it for everyone. Wanna buy a t-shirt with a funny George Bush quote? Some hipster has already purchased every fucking hilarious t-shirt with Dubya on it saying dumb shit. Hipsters have absolutely ruined t-shirts.

5. Comedy

There was a time when the Comedy genre was made up of movies that were...you know...in your face hilarious. Then the hipster market emerged and hipsters are far too intellectual to just appreciate dirty one-liners and fart jokes. So the indie comedy emerged. Indie comedies emphasize subtle humor that only hipsters are douchey enough to pick up on. "Well you see it's funny because...he is living with his ex-wife...and their kids dress in tennis outfits all day." HAHAHAHA SOOOO FUNNY. Indie comedies also must either (A) be about a social issue (teen pregnancy/gay marriage) or (B) Be in some sort of artistic format like a mock documentary about a crew of deep sea divers. There are no funny parts in hipster comedies, the hilarity just arises from the entire concept of the movie's plot. They lend to great hipster discussion following the "film" (Hipsters watch "films" not movies) since there are so many ways to interpret the flick. Also hipster comedies feature ensemble casts, so everyone in the convo can be unique in picking their own favorite subtly humorous character. Hipster comedies have been all the rage ever since Wes Anderson kidnapped Bill Murray in 2001, and blackmailed him into signing a contract that stipulated that he never be funny in a motion picture again. Fucking Hipsters. You even managed to ruin Bill fucking Murray and f0r that I will never forgive you.

GROUP SHOT!!!!! :)

I often joke around about "Bros" on this website and their general douchebaggery, but where would bros be without their female counterpart: The Whore? Well thankfully some sites on the web have begun to document the various traits of these bimbo sluts. You know them from your facebook newsfeeds, and from overhearing them recount their epic party weekend at the office water cooler. I admit that this inspired my friend and I to rant about many of the things that are stereotypical whore characteristics/interests that other people may have overlooked.

Daddy

Whores don't generally have high paying jobs. After all they are fucking dumb AND lazy so they are pretty much content to stay in their entry level office position and not get promoted while they wait around to marry someone rich. Whores however, need to party all the time which requires funding. They need to party on boats. They need to go on vacation in foreign countres. They need to pay the $20 cover to see DJ Fuego at Club Kha-OS and pay for the cocaine needed to fully enjoy DJ Fuego. This of course is all funded by "Daddy" who is a rich scumbag who feels that the only way to maintain his close relationship with his whore daughter is by forking over his checkbook and platinum Mastercard. Normal people if you ever had an "allowance" stopped receiving one once you were you know ...old enough to earn your own spending money working at Blockbuster. Whores however, receive allowances well into their mid to late 20s. Only now their allowance is called "money to live on." Apparently daddy tells himself that $1000 a month is needed for princess to buy groceries.

Talking shit about Mom

Since Daddy is the one that funds the party, whores always love their fathers. Mommy however, gets to be the butt of every whore joke told. Whores love to talk about what trainwrecks their mother is. If you believe a whore's flattering description of her mother, mommy is some sort of disaster hybrid of the real housewives of Jersey/Courtney Love. Mommy is always wasted on white wine. Mommy is always saying stupid shit. Mommy is beloved by her whore daughter and all of her whore friends for her daily stupidity. Since mommy is not respected she gets called by her actual name or some nickname variation. A typical whore mommy discussion:

Slut 1: OMG do you know what Sue-Sue said at Thanksgiving in front of EVERYONE??

Slut 2: OMG WHAT??

Slut 1: She was obvi wasted on like 5 bottles of chardonnay and was like "Now Linds you and Jen- Jen need to be careful tomorrow for her birthday, don't end up in jail like Miley Cyrus!!"

Slut 2: OMG UM Sue-Sue you mean Lindsay Lohan....?

Slut 1: YEAH WRONG CELEB MOM!! DUH!! LOL LOL. Stupid bitch.

Slut 2: LMAO!! HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SUE-SUE.

Top 40 Radio

Top 40 radio is fucking awful, but is also by definition the most popular music on the airwaves. So WHO you might ask...supports this shitty bubblegum pop garbage..? Whores. Whores will tell you they like real rock bands. After all they own a cute Rolling Stones baby doll crop top, even though they can't name a single song other than "Satisfaction" (which they played at like..the Super Bowl). They don't. They like pop music. Whores are too stupid to seek out good music, or develop good taste so they just like whatever songs are played at parties/clubs. Once they have had a positive experience with a pop song (i.e. made out with hot guy to Chris Brown/T-Pain collabo jam), they run to the store with daddy's plastic and charge $15 to buy the whole cd. Then they pop the cd in their car and listen to the jam on repeat while driving around with their other slut buddies in oversized sunglasses. Now when that sweet Katy Perry jam comes on while they're partying tonight, they can all scream the lyrics in drunken unison and dance in step like some fucking trainwreck version of The Supremes.

Comparing Themselves to Celebrity Whores

Whores, just like everybody else in the world, need role models. Since whores love reading "Perez Hilton" they find these heroes to aspire to in the form of celebrity whores. Just like the whores themselves, celebrity whores like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton love to party hard, get their picture taken partying hard, and party till they have fallen on their ass with their mini skirt over their head and their coochie in public view. On the rare occasion when they're not comparing their whore posse to the cast of "Sex and the City" whores are comparing themselves to these shitshows. When one whore is not around, her whore buddies will judge her and discuss which celebrity whore she should be designated in the group.

Twat 1: OMG Marie totally knocked over 2 Crantinis on that table and then made out with that GROSS guy last night. I'm just gonna start calling her Britney jr.

Twat 2: ROTFL. I mean we already have our Lindsay Lohan in your redheaded ass!! LOL.

Twat 3: Am I Paris cus I am the tallest bitch in this crew. LOL.

(The whores will then inevitably tell you how them and their friends should have their own reality TV show)

Having "Meaningful" tatoos

I have fucking stupid tatoos. When I was in high school I got drunk and decided they were a good idea (they weren't). I will openly acknowledge how retarded my tatoos are. Whores however, despite being dumb as rocks, don't like to acknowledge their own stupidity. If they have a tatoo it is ALWAYS meaningful, despite the fact that the only people that see this meaningful statement imprinted on their body are dudes that bang them. They have Curious George tatooed right above their panties because that was their favorite book that daddy use to read them. Their Grandpa died, and he was Irish so a shamrock with the date above their ass seemed like a touching tribute. I'm sure your Grandpa's dying wishes went something like this:

"I really hope that my sweet little Cindy gets some ink on her lower back that pays tribute to me. That way when some guy is banging her from behind this weekend he can behold how much she loved GrandPappy. Otherwise I didn't help raise her right"

Religious tattoos are especially popular amongst whores, because they love to pretend they are religious even though they violate the rules of the gospel every weekend. They like...went to church three times this year, and heard one Bible quote that really resonated with how they should deal with adversity in life. Probably should get a tattoo of it on their hip. Their devout love of Jesus will peek out when they wear that slutty Catholic school girl outfit for Halloween.

Group Photos

Normal people like to take pictures on special occassions. Somebody got engaged. It's New Years. It's a birthday party. Hell, if it's been a long time since you've seen your friends from college who live in another state, yeah totally fine for you to take a dozen snapshots together. Whores however, take pictures of FUCKING EVERYTHING. We're at brunch. Group shot!! We're shopping. Group shot!! We're at the club, cocktails in hand. Group Shot!! How many fucking variations of the same picture do you need to have? I've seen this shit before. There's 8 of you. You are positioned next to your very best bestie who you're "engaged/married to" on Facebook (Seriously why do girls do this..? It's fucking stupid. Somebody out there might actually think you're a Lesbo/off the market). You all smile. CUUUUUUTE! This is especially infuriating at a bar. I am trying to get a fucking drink. Can you have your fucking reunion shot in front of the bar later? Also I don't want to do you a favor and take a picture of your crew of whores so you can IMMEDIATELY mobile upload this from your IPhone and show the world how much whore fun you're having. You know you have one token ugly friend who doesn't fit in the picture. Have her snap this shit for you. Stupid whores.

"It's just another Manic Monday :(.."

(This is actually Guest Post from a fellow angry old man. I however take full responsibility and credit for the hilarity that will now ensue.)

"Just another day at work. Coffee plzzzzzz!" "Head hurts. Must remember to it's happy hour, not hours..." Look familiar? These are just two riffs on the overly generic status messages that people post on Gchat every day. Today's guest post is essentially my "Fuck you and your dumb Gchat status" status message. I've reached my breaking point with the office dipshits, the bros, the emo girls, the even emo'er guys and all of you other dipshits who feel the need to emote your day to me through a Gchat status message.

Without anymore unnecessary lambasting of all things dumbfuckery, let's look at the typical classes of status message:

1. We'll call this one "My job sucks, and I will tell you about it every day in 160 characters or less"

Work sucks. Any schmuck with a college degree and a shred of sensibility has learned this lesson at their entry-level job. But there is a class of people who somehow think they are unique for showing up every day to a shitty job and dealing with shitty bosses and doing meaningless work. This would be all well and good if they didn't feel the need to broadcast their inadequacies to their entire circle of friends.

" 'Someone's got a case of the Mondays' isn't funny when you actually have them."
"The only thing worse than work today was staying late until 7 to do nothing."
"If I received a gunshot for every dumb question I've been asked today by my boss, Amadou Diallo would have been like 41 wasn't so bad."

We get it. We've been there. Your job sucks. You're overworked, underpaid and smarter than everyone else. You're also in your mid-20s, and maybe if you didn't spend half your fucking day coming up with an inane status message, you might have moved on to something less mind-numbing. But, that's not your style. Far better to spoil all of us with your creative talents in finding a new way every day to describe your awful job.

2. "Fuckin' Jagerbombs!"

You're such a fucking bro, bro. You drink? I know you do. How much? 8 nights a mother fuckin' week, bro! How do I know all of this? Because you see no problem broadcasting to the world every morning just how you spend your leisure time. Typically a variation on the 'So hungover' or the 'Now I know why it's called a fuzzy navel...' status, you wear your alcoholism like a badge of pride to be shared every morning. It's noble work you do, subsidizing local bartenders with your copious consumption of various beers and college shots. That said, I don't give a fuck. You're too old to think drinking is still cool. When you get to the point where drinking is just drinking and you can comfortably do it alone without telling me, post that shit. Until then, save the Text From Last Night that you copied because it was like, totally spot on for, like, what we did last night and shove it up your fartbox.

3. The Voyeur Status

The world is a crazy place. There's so many weird people doing fucked up things, like the guy on the subway eating a pickle sandwich at 9 AM. Or the woman who farted on the elevator. Or the creepy bum who calls you 'Sugar.' I understand your liberal arts education didn't include a class titled 'Shit you will see everyday that is normal to everyone else except you," but please spare us your bemusement about the "odd" thing you saw today. Strange people ride the subway, and yes they will occasionally look at your tits. He's not creepy, he's bored. I know it was strange to see a 60 year old guy rocking out in his car to Katy Perry, but why does this bother you so much to the point that you need the rest of us to chime in and go, 'Yeah, what a loser.' Is it our approval you seek with these petty observations? Our laughter? Joke's on you fuckface because I just think you're the moron for spending more than 10 seconds even thinking about these people.

4. "Check out this totally funny conversation I had that me and one other person find funny!"

We all chat with numerous people each day for a large amount of time.Sometimes, we even say funny things. Now, you might be new to, say, having friends, but this will happen from time to time where one of you speaks and the other will reply with something that makes the two of you laugh. It's called human interaction, it has happened before. Still, your conversation snippet was so funny, so unusually hilarious that it goes beyond the bounds of privacy. Everyone needs to know this RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND ALL FUCKING DAY even if they don't understand it or it has no context.

"Twatface: i always get hit on by creepy latino guys// it's like I'm made of taco. Friend of Twatface: I love chicks who smell like meat."

Yeah, this isn't funny. I know you ROFL'd and LMFAO'd and may have even pissed your self, but I'm not laughing. Again, I read between the lines and see a girl who is too dumb to realize that a) not all latinos eat tacos and b) a guy ordering a drink next to you at a bar is not a passive-aggressive attempt at future fornication. I also see someone with a friend who is retarded. That's what I got from your status message, that you and your friends are dumb cunts.

5. The Amateur Poet

I call this one amateur because it's basically plagiarism. You: shitty day, bad breakup, no return call from the slooze who gave you her number by accident on Saturday. Your status: Melodramatic lines from an obscure song, or possibly even a well known song to maximize the circle of people who will understand you are overly emotional today.

Wasted PAP Smear: But sometimes//We forget what we got//Who we are//Oh who are are not.

Aww, poor guy. I see your trap. I'm supposed to ask what's up and then you tell me how heartbroken you are because the one-night stand that turned into a torrid 2 month love affair ended when you found out the chick was banging some Norwegian MBA student named Olaf (true story by the way). I've learned not to fall for this gambit lest I get sucked into you emoting all over my screen like 12-year old me did when I got Compuserve.

6. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

"At da beach!" (Get off your fucking phone)
"NYC roadtrip to see my favorites!!!!! :-x" (So you're unreachable this weekend, didn't give a shit when you were around.)
"Sex & The City tonight!!" (I hope your Cosmo gets enough roofie to kill a pony)

If you're not online to chat, turn off your fucking computer or phone and go do whatever it is you say you're actually doing. That's a good way to keep people from interrupting. Not only that, but quit being such a self-aggrandizing asshole. You're not Lebron, no one gives a fuck where you're going.

Which brings us to the acceptable forms of gchat status:

1. A cool video or song clip. Maybe set the mood a bit with a "Fuckin' Friday!' and then a link to Paradise City or "Holy fuck this is cool" with a link to that hippo vs. giraffe youtube video. Give me something that will make my day a little better without any of your own fucking baggage and you will remain on always show status. For example, today's status celebrates the end of work with a link to Peanut Butter Jelly Time. No frills, no bullshit, just some good fucking internet meme humor.

2. A legitimately funny story or news item. For example, a bartender friend referenced serving the Rwandan ambassador and his cadre of 3 underaged girls. That is funny to me and something I wouldn't have known before. So, informative and hilarious. Bring it on. Similarly, I found out about that god-awful KFC sandwich that uses fried chicken as a bun through a status message. A tip of the cap to you, friend.

3. Self-promotion of various parties or other for-profit ventures. I like these because they are useful (I might find a place to go hang out on the cheap while still helping you, my friend) or ignoreable (seen the message once and can ignore it for the next several days, which you thankfully know since you don't change it). That's what the internet is for: porn and selling shit. I appreciate the people who recognize they can only offer one in a gchat status.

4. Nothing.

Just like the movies, silence is fucking golden.