Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Jesus Wasn't Good at Football Either

This Sunday in the National Football League was admittedly a bit uninteresting compared to some of the craziness seen during the first six weeks of the season. After all, six of the best teams in the league had bye weeks, and the NFL continued its run of shitbag primetime games (seriously when the hell does flex scheduling start?). Still, there were a number of interesting storylines worth covering by the pigskin talking heads even on this reasonably uneventful Sunday. The Falcons retastablished themselves as contenders with an impressive road win over the once unbeatable Lions. A rookie shattered an 18 year franchise record held by the NFL's all-time leading rusher in his first start. The Packers maintained their unblemished record. Really any of these stories could have passed for the "front page headline" at the end of week 7 in the NFL. Instead of course the story that analysts, reporters, and sportswriters couldn't get enough of involved winless team and a one win team engaging in a meaningless and alltogether horribly boring 18-15 shootout. Why you ask? Well because it involved everyone's favorite golden boy Jesus afficionado: Tim Tebow.

Pretty much everyone who , you know watches football regularly can unequivocally see that Tim fucking Tebow sucks total donkey dick when it comes to playing quarterback in the NFL. Unfortunately none of us average Joe football fanatics actually gets paid to analyze the NFL. The people that do have made it a point to blow him at every moment possible. It's absolutely ridiculous. Every headline today was "Tebowmania!" or "Tebow: the legend grows!" or some variation of the like. Yesterday endless amounts of time were spent analyzing every detail of the showdown between the 0-5 Dolphins and 1-4 Broncos that will ultimately mean nothing to this season's playoff picture. My question of course is..WHY? WHAT. THE. FUCK? What is it with the media and their desire to hype and praise this completely mediocre (more like completely shitty) football player? For starters, let's establish what LEGENDARY feats Tim Tebow accomplished yesterday. He "led" a valiant 15 point comeback that required a recovered onside kick, an amazing catch in the waning moments, a forced fumble by the defense, and a 52 yard game winning field goal. Other than that Tim Tebow pretty much singlehandedly pulled a miraculous comeback out of his asshole along with the usual unicorns and rainbows that exit his bunghole.

I have never seen so many people with such a raging hard-on for an athlete that has accomplished absolutely nothing at the professional level. I mean I've come to expect that once an athlete establishes themself at the top of their sport we will have to hear about their every move ad nauseum 24/7 (Brett Favre, LeBron James etc.). Never however, have I seen the national media so universally on a guy's jock before he has even established the ability to be competent. So what exactly fascinates everyone (the media) about this cocktaster? NBC's Bob Costas, who likes to wax poetic once a week at halftime of SNF about the bullshit Disney story of the day, offered this typically nauseating explanation:

"Tebow's appealing intangibles: His HEART, his SIZE, his ATHLETICISM, his PLAYMAKING KNACK...He is a distinctive and compelling player. Easy to root for."

Jesus fuck. Ok let's start by crossing off the obvious fallacies in this utterly idiotic statement. There is nothing special about his size or athleticism. He's an average sized QB with the strength to break tackles in short yardage situations. There is nothing inherently exciting or "distinctive" about his playing style. He's not juking the shit out of linebackers and taking off on 40 yard scrambles ala Michael Vick. His "playmaking knack" never seems to show itself during the first 50 plus minutes of games when he's air mailing throws over receiver's heads. Just because unique circumstances allowed him to score on a couple late game goalline touchdowns, doesn't make him John Elway.

So that leaves us with one intangible that makes Tebow so "easy to root for" His "heart." What exactly defines a player's "heart" you ask? Nothing. It's a totally bullshit adjective used to describe players that the media loves to laud for their ability to succeed under difficult circumstances. Yes, it can be seen as a sort of inherent desire to fight till the final whistle, ability to play through pain, and refusal to give up. Let's be honest though. Don't most successful NFL players possess this trait? I mean do most "superstar" (i.e. nobody on the Miami roster) players in this league just mail it in once they face a deficit. No. Somehow though, when Tim Tebow decides to play hard at the end of the game he shows such great "heart" and "grit" and "scrappyness" and any other number of words used to describe clean-cut all-American white guys that the NFL applauds. Especially ones that are polite, go on global Christian missions, swear off vagina till marriage, and do Pro-life Super Bowl ads with their moms. That is after all what this is about. If we really wanted to talk 24/7 about a compelling young quarterback with a distinctive blend of size, athleticism and playmaking knack taking the league by storm, we'd be talking about Cam Newton. Of course, Newton is black, dances after touchdowns, and probably slammed a coed or two during his brief time at Auburn. He's fun to watch, but certainly not somebody the NFL dreams of being the "face" of their sport.

That presumably is the main reason the NFL "needs" a superstar like Tebow. Football apparently needs a pure, untainted superstar that every kid can look up to when they're playing boring scrappy football and scoring touchdowns that aren't followed by crazy jive dances. A kid you'd hope your son shared a room with in college so they could engage in Friday night bible study, and abstain from promiscuity and binge drinking. A boy you'd welcome to your boring family Thanksgiving. Well I'm here to tell you that is complete bullshit, and I'm pretty sure I speak for most of the NFL's core audience when I say that Tim Tebow's success/failure will not impact my desire to watch football whatsoever. In fact we're totally fine with watching a league of foul mouthed, substance abusing assholes with crazy hair and tattoos, as long as those aforementioned assholes can jump high, run fast, and hit really hard. Or in Tim Tebow's case throw a pretty spiral. Until Tim Tebow can do anything of note on the field that makes football fans go WOW, none of his "intanglibles" will matter. So until that day comes, lets cut out the media slobbering of his virgin ballsack, and just accept that he sucks at playing football.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

As Usual Douchebags are 99% of the Problem.

Following the writing of my "Summer Movie Preview," I've been on a bit of a hiatus from the blogosphere (ok fine 5 months). A large reason for my absence from the world of angry internet ranting is the fact that soon after I incorrectly predicted "Cowboys & Aliens" would be good, I lost my job. Yes despite the fact that I was a model employee for an anonymous major oil corporation not named Shell, Texaco, or Exxon they canned me at a moment's notice. Such is the reality of modern America amidst the recession. Even if you've been working someplace for a while, under the impression that showing up at 915 and taking 30 minute poop breaks after lunch isn't gonna get you axed, your boss may be on the verge of firing just to cut some costs. Anyways once I was back out on the street without a source of income I decided to do what any rational, hard working American would do. I called up a couple of my friends who were also unemployed and suggested that we all road trip to New York City with the intention of taking down the man holding us down. We'd camp out in a park by Wall Street, with clever signs protesting corporate America and make sure our voices got heard by the 1% of Americans that control all the money and power in this country. Seemed like a fool proof plan to ensure this economy was fixed immediately.

Oh wait nevermind...actually I didn't follow that plan of attack since I'M NOT A FUCKING DICKHEAD. Unlike the people who are the subject of this week's Lawn rant: the "Occupy Wall Street" brigade. Jesus Christ these kids should have been aborted. What a bunch of attention starved, spoiled assholes. I can't believe anyone gives these people the time of day. We'll get to their "cause" later but before we address the actual issues supposedly being protested, I think it's important we take a look at the faces of these "victims." For the most part they are people like me. Twenty something children from middle class backgrounds struggling to find jobs in this wretched economy. There are few people actually struggling to put food on their table amongst the crowds of douchebags gathering in NYC parks protesting the "Evil 1%." At least, I assume they could buy some food if they sold their Ipods, Ipads, Macbook Pro or $45 Che Guevara t-shirt they bought online. They probably have savings accounts and credit cards to live off of, and a family member or two willing to give them a roof over their head while they make the effort to idk SEARCH FOR A JOB. You know, that crazy process that involves working on your resume, sending in applications to 500 different companies hoping for one interview, and taking the initiative to find work anywhere that'll pay you peanuts. Of course there is not really any time to do any of these things when you are busy making witty signs, dressing up like George Washington and organizing drum circles around a tent.

I'm sure a lot of people are probably like "Waaaah! But I HAVE tried to get a job and I can't! It's such a struggle! My degree should ensure me a job!" Yeah sorry not the case buddy. I saw one asshole with a sign that said "My sign would be better if my school hadn't cut our art funding." Umm...well there's one problem chief...you have a fucking ART degree. What exactly does that qualify you to do? Newsflash fuckface, no matter how much the corporate hierarchy changes, the ability to discern between Monet" paintings is never gonna have employers drooling at the prospect of bringing you on board. I know you thought your summer in Munich would really prepare you for the real world, but now it turns out that minor in German isn't a great resume bullet point. Shoulda taken Spanish so you could at least help run your uncle's landscaping firm. We are living in a world where experienced lawyers and business professionals can't keep their jobs. Do you really believe your shitbag liberal arts degree in Sub-Saharan anthropology means you're OWED a job? It doesn't.

Of course the real question is what exactly are these Generation Y asshats trying to accomplish with their protests? What is the "cause?" Better yet what is the "injustice" that you are raging against the machine in the name of? If you ask one of these Occupy revolutionaries, they will give you some rambling stoned answer about "Corporate Greed" and "Taking the power out of the hands of the 1%" and any other number of slogans ready for a Vespa bumper sticker. None of them actually know what the problem with our economy is any more than you or I do. They certainly don't have a "solution." Basically the gripe is "The rich are filthy rich and control all the wealth...and continue to be swimming in Scrooge McDuck piles of gold while the rest of us struggle." Yeah well....that's the way it's always been. Ain't gonna change any time soon. As I've mentioned before, protesting is an absolutely fruitless labor. No corporate CEOs wiping their ass with Ben Franklin's face are gonna go "oooooh look at all those angry kids with cardboard signs, better fix the way we do business ASAP." You're wasting your time. Protesting has never gotten one unemployed person hired in the history of the planet, and something tells me your efforts are gonna come up just as empty.

So what should you do? I don't know, maybe the same thing I did. You know me, an English major with an absolutely useless liberal arts degree who somehow found a way to get a job in this shit economy. Yeah it fucking took forever and yeah it pissed me off on a daily basis. Yeah I spent many nights crying into a bottle of Evan Williams while listening to Blues records (maybe should have left that part out). I dealt with it though . By doing everything within my power all day, every day to find SOMETHING I was qualified to do. You OWS shitheads should try doing the same. It may not be that dream job that "gives you a sense of fullfillment" or "challenges you" that you cockfaces these days long for. I guarantee however, there is some way you can make yourself a productive member of society, that doesn't involve making signs and yelling at rich people. Stop occupying city parks and corporate sidewalks, and go occupy a staffing agency. Pretty sure they have a better shot at landing you a job than your smelly bongo bandmate does anytime soon.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Lawn Summer Movie Preview

Today is Memorial Day so I hope that all of you took some time out from BBQing and drinking budweiser by the pool this weekend to remember our nation's brave war veterans. For most of the country , Memorial Day weekend means the official start of summer, as school is out and the weather is finally warm enough for shorts and flip flops. On a related note Memorial Day weekend is also the beginning of summer movie season. That time of year where Hollywood rolls out their best "popcorn flicks" (Movies that don't require thinking) in an effort to get you to fork over $10 to your local cineplex on a weekly basis. Of course, as is the case with all entertainment these days, 90% of what is released is bound to be complete garbage. This year looks no different, as a quick glance at the summer release schedule tells me there are only a few movies worth wasting two hours of my Saturday on. Without further ado I have decided to preview all the major upcoming releases in the Lawn's 2011 Summer Movie Preview.

1. The Hangover 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYL_T7f59o8

This is probably the first summer movie I will check out, solely because the first one was hilarious. I have to say however, that I have pretty low expectations for this one. This is based primarily on the proven fact that comedy sequels always suck, even when the entire cast returns. I mean even if they're not bad, they never live up to the standard of the original. The Hangover Part 2 basically looks like they made the same exact movie again, but switched the setting to Bangkok. Which is fine, but one of the things that made the Original Hangover so great was that it was an original ridiculous premise. How the fuck does the same exact thing happen again? After one bachelor party where the random weirdo roofied all our drinks with hallucinogenic drugs, wouldn't you NOT invite that asshole back for another go-around? Or at least monitor your cocktails closely? Obviously this is too much logic for a Bro comedy, so lets just move on.

2. The Tree of Life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXRYA1dxP_0

This wins the prize for "Summer film most likely to garner 12 Oscar nominations" come award season." It also wins the award for "completely bullshit movie I am least likely to watch." I love this trailer that tells me absolutely NOTHING about what the hell this movie is about. This looks like they took the bullshit indie art film that won "best original short" at SXSW and made it a two hour movie. Oh so we've got Brad Pitt...and he raises some kids in a suburb..and the skies are overcast. Oh and now we get to see some flames...and some ocean waves..and then HEY LOOK there's Sean Penn...running his fingers under a sink. Hey Brad Pitt, I didn't see "Babel" or "Benjamin Button" either and I'm not gonna see your latest abstract conceptual "masterpiece" either. Go back to making real movies you asshole.

3. Super 8: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCRQQCKS7go

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a film about a discount motel chain. Since M. Night Shyamalan stopped making decent movies like 10 years ago, J.J. Abrams (Star Trek, Lost) is in charge of giving geeks their sci-fi horror fix this summer. I don't really get into sci-fi flicks, mostly because I'm not really into putting thought into figuring out weird supernatural plot twists. This movie looks like "Final Destination" meets "The Happening" where a bunch of general chaos starts occuring in a town, with cars being flung around shit exploding. With Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights presumably in charge of stopping it all. Lame.

4. Green Lantern: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oazFv302DIM

Summer of course is also when all the comic super-hero flicks come out which can either be awesome (Batman/Spiderman 1 & 2) or horrible (Fantastic 4). I'm guessing this one fits in the latter category. I've never really liked Ryan Reynolds, he's always struck me as kind of a douche bro in the same vein as Ashton Kutcher. Also, never was enough of a comic book geek to even remember who Green Lantern was. So yeah based on that, not gonna see this.

5. Bad Teacher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VihlsPKMh4U

This actually looks like it has some potential. Apparently this movie follows the formula of Bad Santa, but substitutes Cameron Diaz as the immoral misfit boozehound working in a position that requires being nice to children. Justin Timberlake, and Jason Sigel are generally hilarious, and this movie's rated R so we can get some quality raunchy dialogue from them and Diaz hopefully. Also, in case nobody noticed Cameron Diaz has a sexy car wash scene. So yeah, I'm probably down.

6. Transformers: Dark of the Moon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHRf01Gjosk

The third installment in Michael Bay's series of shitty blockbuster robot warfare movies starring Shia LeDouche and Megan Fox's tits. Only this time around Megan Fox's tits didn't make the casting cut. So, there's officially no reason to see this glorified two hour toy commercial.

7. Zookeeper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu2zaUT6RQo

"Yeah we should definitely just make Dr. Dolittle again, except substitute Kevin James for Eddie Murphy."

God movie execs are fucking assholes.

8. Horrible Bosses: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDUpOXfwQUo

A movie about everyone's (except me of course) fantasy of killing off their douchebag supervisor. Sounds pretty Rad. Any trailer that involves Charlie from "Always Sunny" yelling "LETS KILL THIS BITCH!" generally has me at hello. Throw in Kevin Spacey as an asshole boss, Jason Bateman, and a premise that involves Colin Farrel being murdered and I'm sold.

9. Harry Potter part 27: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mObK5XD8udk

They've promised me this is the LAST installment of the stupid kiddie movie phenomenon that chicks love. If it's not, I say we dispatch Navy Seal Team 6 after that British bitch who writes this shit.

10. Friends with Benefits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34xfcoRceeU


Ok I know saying chick flicks are predictably formulaic is kinda like stating that Tyler Perry films are loud and sassy, but seriously this is ridiculous. They just made the same exact fucking movie like 3 months ago. Except substituting Timberlake and Mila Kunis for Kutcher and Natalie Portman, and changing the name. I assume around Christmas we'll get the third variation on the "Friends start banging casually then fall in love" formula. "Ugly Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached" starring Sarah Jessica Parker, coming soon to a theatre near you.

11. Cowboys and Aliens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJixNxFxhT4

I seriously got a full blown boner when I heard the concept of this movie, and had to double check that it was for real. Ok so....James Bond...Indiana Jones...in a western...involving intergalactic warfare/alien invasion. WHAT?? FUCKING SIGN ME UP. You also gotta love that for once the movie studios didn't get creative in titling a movie. "Yeah uh...there's Cowboys & Aliens...fighting each other. What else do you really need to know?" (We'll throw in Olivia Wilde standing around being hot for good measure). This movie looks like a complete overload of Rad. If you don't want to see this movie you have no penis and/or listen to Coldplay. If there's one movie I will definitely be forking over ten beans for, it's this cinematic gem.

Anyways that's it for the first Lawn Summer Movie Preview. Hopefully this will help you make the right decisions in picking and choosing what popcorn flicks you are gonna throw your hard earned paychecks at. More importantly, I hope it helps you decide what NOT to see, when you could be day drinking in the sun instead. At any rate, enjoy the summer movie season while it lasts, before it gets cold and we are forced to watch all the bullshit Oscar contender flicks to take our mind off the lack of NFL football.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rappers That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE

I was in high school around the time rock music REALLY started to suck balls, with the Limp Bizkits and Korns of the world taking over the airwaves. As reaction to all this garbage I, along with many other youths turned to gangster rap as our new rebellious music of choice. My friends and I cruised around the burbs blasting the latest hip hop shit, and jammed out to it in our headphones to get amped before basketball games. At the time most rap music was fucking rad, so we could compile a pretty massive collection of jams when we all shared and copied the CDs each of us had bought/downloaded off Napster. Our one friend however, was useless in that department because he only listened to horrendous Dirty South rap the rest of us had no interest in. "No dude I am not gonna lend you the latest Wu-Tang CD in exchange for the chance to burn your 5th Ward Weebie LP." By far his favorite rappers were the members of "Cash Money Records." For those of you who can't remember, Cash Money specialized in releasing 17 albums of year from their lineup of generic shitty rappers who all rapped about having bling, being rich, buying rims...and nothing else. We all assumed that this collection of shitbags would eventually fade out, and they pretty much did..except for one member who many years later, grew up to be the "greatest rapper alive." Zero idea what caused this phenomenon, and I wanted to address it in this week's edition of Bands (Rappers) That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE.

Just take a moment to soak in the above picture, for you are looking at Lil Wayne..King of the Ass Clowns. Whether you refer to him as Lil Wayne, Lil Weezy, Weezy F Baby or any other fucking retarded nickname he's bestowed upon himself, you are talking about a magna cum laude graduate of Bozo University. Seriously just look at this fucking dickhead. First of all he is keeping it mad real in a PINK camoflauge hoodie. Apparently borrowed from a female marine who will kick his ass if he doesn't return it. Of course his hoodie is unbuttoned with no shirt underneath so that we can witness his 117 stupid tattoos inked across his 140 pound frame. Walking around shirtless to flash your tats is only badass and intimidating if you're jacked like a jail homie. If you're skinny and walk around shirtless flashing your stupid tats...it's retarded. Take it from me, a skinny guy with stupid tattoos. Finally urban society finally progressed to the point that you don't have to sag your pants off your ass to look cool. Lil Wayne however, is trying to bring it back, by taking the fashion trend to an even more idiotic level, and sagging his pants..beneath his dick. Thanks you shithead the world really needed to see your rainbow polka dotted boxer briefs. Finally he has what appears to be the word "Rape" on his belt buckle, presumably to remind him what will happen on a daily basis if he ever goes to real prison.

I don't feel the need to attach clips of this imbecile's musical genius to reinforce my argument, because..who HASN'T hear what Lil Wayne sounds like. If you've turned on the radio, been to a bar or attended a frat party in the last five years, you've heard this fucktard's music blasting. I really don't care what anybody says, Lil Wayne is an awful rapper. First of all he has the WORST voice ever. He sounds like a ashtmatic frog croaking through one of those throat cancer patient voiceboxes. I don't care if his lyrics involve the most poetic analogies in the world, there's no way I can get past his voice to appreciate his "true appeal." Speaking of which..he has none. Rappers used to rap about Rad shit like selling coke, shooting people, and pouring champagne on bitches. Lil Wayne raps about complete bullshit like being an alien from another planet and other ridiculous statements that lend to him just bragging about how awesome he is through metaphor. Yes there is a skill to this, but still it's fucking boring and gets old quick. We get it, your shit's hotter than summer and you are colder than winter, lets move on. As for the actual musical aspect I don't really get the big deal either. It's not like his songs are particularly catchy, his beats are generic synthesized crap, and his hooks generally employ him auto-tune singing (maybe the worse vocal innovation in music history.) So yeah long story short, no possible reason to throw this on the Ipod.

What is even more infuriating about Weezy F FuckStick is that people actually believe he is an amazing "artist." I mean I'm not here to judge every douchebag that makes ignorant rap music, because generally nobody takes those guys seriously. I mean yeah Three Six Mafia won an Oscar, but I don't think anybody is arguing the creative merits of "Sipping on Some Syzzurp." Weezy however is a universally adored, and critically acclaimed musical artist. He is on the cover of legitimate music publications not called "The Source" or "XXL." He fucking started writing articles..FOR ESPN. WHY?? Why the FUCK do I care to hear some shitbag rapper rant about his predictions for the upcoming NFL season? (BTW Weezy's favorite sports teams are apparently the Boston Red Sox, Boston Bruins, Green Bay Packers, and LA Lakers...i.e. four random ass teams nowhere close to his native New Orleans..also idiotic). He fancies himself as some sort of hybrid musical/entertainment/cultural icon whose brilliance we should bow down to, as he emphasizes any time a reporter sits down with him. All this would be obnoxious enough if it's the only shit he bragged about, and he didn't you know, expect us to actually acknowledge he's an icon among..actual human beings in society. Of course Lil Wayne then sets the record straight with brilliant soundbites like this:

When asked about the perception he’s over-saturating the market with his music, Wayne responds,

“Darling, I don’t care what nobody think. Talk to me like you talk to Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. You’re not going to ask him about what he thinks about what somebody said about him. You ask him about his greatness, and his greatness only.”

WHAT?? Yeah I mean your fucking hot jam about getting sucked off like a lollipop is basically equivalent to the "I have a Dream" speech. If I remember correctly Malcolm X's led his followers by example, largely through wearing his trousers below his dick and getting teardrops tattoed on his face. What a self-righteous cock. Sadly people actually buy this up as evidenced by the fucking "Free Weezy" t-shirts (A new ironic hipster fad) you see every time he's serving hard time in jail as a celebrity for possessing high amounts of weed and codeine. WHY? Why the hell should we free this completely useless asshole with no redeeming qualities? He's not a messiah. Lock his midget ass up and throw away the key. Fuck freeing Weezy. Free us, the public, from having to listen to this batshit moron croak out any further nonsense every time a microphone is put in front of him.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Hater Mailbag Volume 3

When we last left the haters, they were making use of the All-Caps key to emphasize how sad and lonely I was, inquiring whether I had A.D.D., and questioning my lack of intellect and maturity, all while butchering the proper spelling of the term "you're" as usual. A couple weeks passed, and once again I came under the assumption that the haters had been subdued. Commentary from normal people who actually read blogs because they enjoy what's on the site, was on the rise again. All seemed well. Then of course as they always do, the haters came out of the woodwork in record numbers. Spewing their "logical arguments," questioning if I in fact liked any type of music, or just resorting to childish insults if they didn't have the time to jot down a coherent argument. Of course as I always do, I got a great chuckle out of all these losers with nothing better to do than angrily criticize an obscure blog, from the comfort of their laptops. I have once again compiled the lamest commentary on this side of the blogosphere, and will now address the haters in my Third Hater Mailbag. Without further ado, BRING ON THE HATE!

LukeGroundFlyer RE: "Deutschland"

"Look at that shit. Just fucking watch that shit. And when you're done with that shit, take a look at this shit." (Inserts THREE youtube clips of soccer goals.)

Wow a non-music snob hater. Ok first of all, I wrote my soccer rant during the World Cup, which last time I checked was...a year ago. The devotion of haters to their craft, never ceases to amaze me. Seriously you just NOW went back 150 posts in the archives to go off on me for hating soccer last year? Anyways just showing me Youtube clips of the sport you grew to love during your two months abroad in Madrid, is not really gonna change my opinion of it. Oh sweet 36 second clip of this awesome goal. What happened during the other 89 minutes and 24 seconds of the match? NOTHING? Cool that's what I thought. Continue to "Support" your favorite "Club" (Pretentious Soccer fact #37272 fans don't root/cheer for teams...they "Support Clubs") all you wish, but don't expect a few clips to change my opinion of your lame sport.

"G" re: TOOL

"this sounds like something the band would say themselves just to throw off their herd..how i even came across this i cant even remember..but i leave you with this: i heard what you said..you know nothing of their work!..You mean their whole fallacy is wrong..How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing...if you don't get this then..eh forget it..."

? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0

Huh? That folks literally was the worst written English paragraph I have ever seen. Just read this sentence again: "You mean their whole fallacy is wrong." Ok do you even know what "fallacy" means? Using fancy college boy words can be very effective in debate..if you know..used properly. You just said that I meant Tool's whole incorrect reasoning and misconceptions is wrong. Um. Yeah sure I guess. However the fuck that is a point is beyond me. Also, who told this guy about my secret life as a college professor. I don't remember including "Professional Music teacher" on my blogger profile anywhere, so...don't worry I haven't gotten to teach a course in anything. How you passed a course in anything, with writing is beyond amazing.

LUKE re: Neon Trees

As far as I'm concerned:
Shit: (Inserts Shitty "Neon Trees" clip)
Indie: (Inserts Shitty "The Pixies" clip)

Oh god. The old school hipster music snob. Somehow his positive commentary infuriated me more than most negative commentary. "Oh yeah I agree that Neon Trees sucks balls, now let me show you all what REAL indie rock is about with this noise rock classic from The Pixies." For the record, The Pixies suck just as much dick as Neon Trees. Just because some assfuck at Spin told you they have three of the greatest 90's rock records ever, and used some fancy language in doing so, doesn't mean they were actually any good. Anyways, whatever one noise rock indie band sounds just like the next one, maybe I just have an extremely shallow taste in music.

LUKE re: Vampire Weekend

"Been snooping around your blog for a bit, and I have to say, you sir, have an extremely shallow taste in music....And I don't mean that's necessarily bad, I just mean, like, don't you ever get tired of the pentatonic scale every once in a while?"

Ok I love the disclaimer on this one: "I don't mean that's necessarily bad." You just told me I was shallow, which is by definition an insult, but then said that's "not necessarily bad." That's like me saying "with all due respect...your girlfriend is kinda a bitch." The first disclaimer doesn't clear me of the second part. Also, I HATE the fucking pentatonic scale argument. "OHHH FANCY MUSIC TERMINOLOGY!!" From what I understand from my friends who play the guitar (layman's terms here obviously) the pentatonic scale is a sort of base blues rock scale that lots of great guitarists like your Stevie Ray Vaughans and Buddy Guy's of the world have always used. Basically a scale where there is a lack of dissonance, and notes don't clash in sound. I.E. melodic...sounding like actual music..etc. Gimme a break. Oh and this argument is made in defense of fucking "Vampire Weekend?" Yeah pretty sure the guitarist of every band I like can play whatever bullshit "scale" these hipster jangle rockers can play.

Echelon re: Neon Trees

"You can all go fuck yourselves. Neon Trees is a great band, the members are wonderful people and if you don't like it. don't fucking listen."

Great argument. Uh...I don't like Neon Trees...which is why I don't fucking listen to their music. I just write hater blog posts about their shitty band. Now that that's out of the way, "The members are wonderful people" is not a point. I could care less if a band's members are horribly immoral, drug-addled assholes..in fact I'd prefer it.

Jade re: Fleet Foxes

"I would be extremely interested to know what kind of music you DO like.The only thing I got out of this was that YOU suck balls."

Kevin re: Fleet Foxes

"Yeah dude, Jade's right. You're an idiot. Big time."

Wow Fleet Foxes fanbase is apparently made up of former debate team captians. "YOU suck balls"..."Yeah agreed..what she said." For all the criticism I get for not criticizing the actual merits of a shitty band's music, half of you hater commenters never actually argue FOR the merits of your favorite shitty band's music. "I don't know why Fleet Foxes are good..they just are...so..you're an idiot. Big time." Since no effort was made here, I'm not gonna bother reiterating what type of music I live and will just take the childish route. I like music that DOESN'T suck balls, unlike Fleet Foxes.

Adley re: R.E.M.

"Your convictions have no merit. I would imagine as you might be able to distinguish "rock," you certainly are unable to distinguish "art".

Congratulations to Adley for being the first hater in history to use "your" properly. Other than that, fuck him. I am unable to distinguish "art"..? Jesus christ. I write a blog that features Clint Eastwood holding a shotgun as its logo, and the term "sucks balls" in the title of its main weekly feature. Do you really thing I care at all about distinguishing "art?" The only music I am able to distinguish is in fact rock, so I could really give half a shit if you think I can't comprehend "art." To me "art" these days is just defined as anything abstract looking/sounding that can't be classified within a normal category. Which is why a painting of Kramer from "Seinfeld" isn't selling for millions of dollars, but a picture of a deformed purple frog with triangles for eyes does. Doesn't mean I would prefer the former hanging on my wall. Also why R.E.M. is considered "better" music with more "artistic merit" than say Def Leppard. One band can easily be classified as fun arena party rock, the other band fits into no genre other than "alternative," making it "art." Well if simplistic loud, fun music played on a pentatonic scale, isn't art then I have no interest in distiguishing if any of my favorite bands fit into your pretentious classification of what makes music "art."

Anyways, that's all for this edition of Hater Mailbag. Don't be shy haters, I welcome ridiculing your future childish insults, illogical arguments, and general poor grammar as they get posed on my little blog. Please keep the negative commentary coming. Haters make the world go round' and this irrationally angry site welcomes your irrational anger with open arms. Till next time KEEP HATIN'!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: DAUGHTRY

Due to technical difficulties with Google last week, there was no Bands That Suck Balls entry posted at it's regularly scheduled date. Wouldn't want anybody to think a week passed where I COULDN'T think of a bands that suck balls. Anyways, I wrote a Mother's day tribute post a few weeks ago and it occurred to me that I forgot to mention another distinct mom trait. Namely, the tendency to discuss subjects with their sons, that no man would generally have any interest in dicussing. Prime example: American Idol. More than any other demographic, moms fucking love them some American Idol. For some reason they believe that their sons also share a deep fondness for Karaoke renditions of Motown. It never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday my mom asked me if I knew that "the rocker guy" had been kicked off the show. No mom, in the middle of my busy day of drinking beer, watching sports and surfing heterosexual porn I did not get a chance to peruse the "AI" standings. At any rate, American Idol used to be a show aimed at finding the next shitty Billboard pop artist, but in recent years we've apparently seen the advent of "the rocker guy" showing up on the program each season. Some guy who wants to be a "rock star", but can't find any other pussies who share his affinity for the Goo Goo Dolls, and want to form a band. This trend can be largely attributed to the success of this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DAUGHTRY.

I have resisted the urge to do a "Daughtry" entry for a while because I wasn't even sure if they qualified as a "rock band." Well upon further research they do qualify, and I think I'm stating the obvious when I say they absolutely suck enormous quantities of balls. One peek at this entourage of fucksticks should tell you that. Whose mom fucking dressed the above set of dickheads? We've got homeless man's Richie Sambora on the right dressed a lot like I used to...when I was 10. Hey 1994 called, they want their chain wallet and airwalks back clown. Then we've got three other tools dressed in some variation of the "mid-life crisis bro" wardrobe. Form fitting jeans, v-neck t-shirt and jacket combo, boots, and a chain or dog tag as rad neck accessory to round things out. Second tard from the right kicked the badass up a notch with his sweet mohawk, so we're all aware that he downloaded a Ramones song off Itunes once. Of course king assfuck is Chris Daughtry himself, pictured second from the left. Sweet leather suit guy. Clearly this guy is business...but also here to party. Cue ball also rocks the pencil goatee and chin strap beard generally seen on Turkish businessmen who roofie girls at club. All these characteristics would lead one to believe there is absolutely no rocking out on the horizon when these guys step onstage. Lets confirm this assumption now:



Jesus fucking christ. These guys are basically the Michelob Ultra to Nickelback's Budweiser. What the shit. Every once in a while Nickelback drops some wannabe party rock jame between their many horrendous lumberjack arena power ballads. Even though we never actually believe that Chad Kroeger and the douche patrol are "GOING OUT TONIGHT!! DRINKING LOTS OF BEERS!! HANGING OUT WITH MODELS!!" etc. I guess you can give them a D for effort. Daughtry doesn't even try to sugar coat how lame they are. They exclusively sing weepy power ballads without a hint of balls. Daughtry does the grungy Nickelback snarl scream to a T on all his hooks, while gently crooning during the rest of the jam. In order to look like an authentic rock frontman, rather than Michael Bolton with a backing band, Daughtry occasionally straps on an acoustic guitar to strum and inaudibly compliment the band's otherwise electric sound. Just like....Taylor Swift does. Oh you're HOLDING a guitar? Well clearly you're a rock star in that case. I mean if you were rocking a mohawk with that acoustic ala your bassist, I would really hesitate on betting against you in a fight with Michelle Brance.

The rest of the band of course also gobbles giant bowls of dick. Which pretty much goes without saying. I mean...how shitty a set of rock musicians do you have to be to end up as the backing band of an American Idol winner? (Editor's note, just called mom and can now confirm Daughtry was actually just a finalist) You're in a "band" whose name acknowledges only the lead singer. I mean even Jimi Hendrix was nice enough to add the words "The Experience" to his name to emphasize the presence of a complete band. Cream wasn't just named "Clapton" (although they probably should have been). How embarrassing is it to just be the anonymous other members of Daughtry's band? Can you imagine telling people that's your job description? How do these guys show their faces at family Thanksgiving?

Douche Guitar Bro: Guess what guys? I got a new gig! I'm gonna be playing guitar for that guy who finished fourth on American Idol!"

Dad (with palm to face): "Thanks for sharing son, now can we wait till after dessert to discuss you blowing dudes in bathrooms, or did you wanna reveal that now too?"

Anyways, American Idol is still going stronger than ever, so I don't expect it's influence on popular music to waver anytime soon. Which is fine with me. You can ship up all the Carrie Underwoods and Kelly Clarksons in the world up to Clive Davis and let them record 100 breakup anthems for skanks to drunkenly sing at karaoke on gals night out. Just don't make any more contributions to the world of rock & roll please. Don't take the guy who stole America's heart with his edgy version of "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch," strap a guitar on him, put him in front of four douches with leather jackets and chain wallets, and call it a "rock band." I can distinguish the sight of true rock & roll from that of "The Clay Aiken Experience" any day of the week.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Death of the Rad Sitcom

Last week I was home "sick" (mental health day) and was reminded of one of the major reasons being unemployed sucked. Aside from the obvious fact that I was low on funds to buy alcohol and eat meals that didn't feature Ramen noodles, being unemployed sucked balls because of all the daytime tv I had to watch. During the day, between the time Sportscenter stops running and primetime television starts, there is nothing to watch on TV. I mean eventually you've seen every Law & Order SVU episode or at least want to maybe watch some lighter fare that doesn't involve child rape investigations. Your major daytime viewing option other than Judge Judy and Soap Operas, are modern sitcom re-runs. I think I'm stating the obvious when I say that modern sitcoms all pretty much blow. They all follow the same basic format. Either some fat average Joe and his disproportionately hot wife, deal with their daily domestic disputes, and annoying in-laws. Or some group of young adults face go through the rigors of living single in the city, and meet someplace daily (bar/coffee shop) to discuss white people problems. Booowring. There's a reason people are always nostalgic about sitcoms from the 80's and 90's. Old school sitcoms were fucking Rad. They all were based around some creatively ridiculous premise, and there was never a dull moment. If you don't believe me read on as I analyze my list of the top Rad old school sitcoms.

Mr. Belvedere: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IUSSrldd0U

Pretty logical premise to this one. Some middle class family in Pittsburgh randomly decides they need a smartass English butler. Already pretty ridiculous to all of us who grew up in a modest middle class family. Then we get to the specifics. The family breadwinner rakes in the dough as...a sportswriter, and his wife attends law school. Makes sense that the modest salary of your average Pittsburgh sportswriter, combined with hundreds of thousands of dollars of law school debt would add up to the ability to afford a fucking English butler. Also worth noting, there are three kids in the family, and two of them are in high school, with one child in elementary school. Why the hell do they need a butler/essentially a live-in nanny? Once I was about nine my mom could give a shit whether I was home alone. Do these kids really need to enjoy fine dining every evening? Hey moms in law school, times are tough. Just because she doesn't have time for home cooking anymore doesn't mean these brats can't warm up a fucking Hungry Man dinner or pick up a bucket of KFC during the week.

Perfect Strangers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vbnLYROCj8

Another sensible concept for a story. Larry is a single guy living in Chicago, makings ends meet living in a single bedroom apartment. One day completely out of the blue his "distant cousin" Balki from some obscure Eastern European country shows up on his doorsteps and insists on living with him. Ok what? Lets Ignore the obvious point that I would never let some distant relative I've never met before from a strange foreign country live with me in my bro pad. How exactly did Balki find Larry? We're talking pre-internet and pre-ancestry.com, yet somehow some rural bumpkin (Balki was a shephard) from a small island finds the name and address of his distant cousin in America. Also if he's such a "distant" cousin why the fuck did Balki pick him to live with? Is Larry the only guy in the family tree in America? Wouldn't Larry also know that his family lineage had roots in the Greek islands? Long story short, there's no way some smelly foreign cousin who looks like a cast member from River Dance randomly shows up, and tells me he's gonna be crashing on the couch and freeloading for a couple years while he "gets a feel for American culture."

Party of Five: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBsHfxhCxEU

I know what you're thinking. This post is supposed to be about comedy sitcoms, not drama series'. Well just listen to the premise of this show and tell me it isn't hiilarious. Some family of five kids in suburban San Francisco loses their parents when some Rad Dude..err I mean irresponsible drunk driver..crashes into them.So now the kids have to raise themselves and take over the daily operation of the family restaurants. What kind of asshole relatives do these kids have? Their fucking parents die in a car accident and NOBODY amongst their next of kin wants to help out? Hey grandma, I know we're asking a lot, but since mommy and daddy went flying off a bridge you think you could maybe take care of us for a bit? Uncle Jim? Aunt Meg? Yeah no, apparently this family of suburban white kids have the worst relatives ever and have to fend for themselves. Also an interesting age range among the kids, as the oldest is 24 year old Charlie and the youngest is a one year old baby. Responsible decision by the parents of four kids aged 24, 15, 16 and 11 respectively to have a baby. "Hey we have two kids heading to college soon, another one still living under our roof at 24 and a fifth grader, yeah we definitely can afford another kid." Jennifer Love Hewitt's rack and rebellious son Bailey's hilarious battle with alcoholism were easily the main highlights of this "serious family drama."

My Two Dads: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHXeo57xj3k

The only show on this list that also could have been the name of a Maury Povich episode. Just listen to the description and then feel free to read into what it really means.

"Nicole's mother dies. Two men who were competing for her mother's affections are awarded joint custody of the girl. The mixups of two single men raising a teenage daughter provide the weekly storyline."

Seriously just read that again without your head exploding. WHAT? So basically two guys were banging Nicole's slut of a mother at the same time and presumably one of them knocked her up. Courts in 1987 apparently couldn't go to great lengths and make use of oh I don't know...a paternity test..to find out who the dad is, so they just gave these two middle aged bros a daughter to raise (again no other family in sight to intervene). Also, seriously these guys don't even question whether the kid really was their own? I mean if the mom was hooking up with both of them at the same time, who's to say she didn't have a half dozen other "suitors" who were "fighting for her affections" (slamming her)? No this is all far too logical for the world of 80's sitcoms. Two guys that were both nailing some woman, that may or may not have been the father of her offspring, just drop everything to move in together and raise their former fling's daughter when she dies. Lets just gloss over the obvious detail that the girl's promiscuous mother just suddenly died of unknown causes in her early 30s. Might wanna take a trip and get your shit checked out at the clinic boys...

Charles in Charge: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLY05HtYP1g

Just like in Mr. Belvedere, we again have middle class Northeastern family in need of domestic help. Except this time substitute New Jersey for Pittsburgh. Oh, and instead of actually hiring a nanny/butler/housekeeper with experience in the field, they just randomly hire some 19 yr old college bro. Instead of a salary, they give him free room and board in exchange for his duties as glorified babysitter. Yeah that seems like a sound plan. I mean when I was a college sophomore you wouldn't want me watching your fucking hamster for a weekend, but I'm sure most other 19 year olds are definitely mature enough to handle that sort of responsibility. I mean yeah post afternoon gravity bong hit, I'm sure the kid did a great job remembering to pick the kids up from soccer practice. The best subplot of this show is the fact that original idiot family that hired Scott Baio to watch their kids only lived in the house for a year. So obviously after this, he had to find a new living/employment arrangement right? Nah. He got such a glowing review from the first family, that when they sublet their home and moved to Seattle, the new family allowed him to stay under the exact same terms. Oh btw the new family's daughter looked like this:


Yeah the chances of a statutory rape fiasco when you let a college junior bro babysit your hot blonde teenage daughter...zero percent. Way to really think that one through, new residents.

Full House: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fI_jdOrYPc

Pretty much the ridiculous sitcom to end all ridiculous sitcoms. Ok so once again somebody is killed by some asshole drunk driver (apparently the production of every 80's/90's sitcom was funded by M.A.D.D.), In this case Danny Tanner's wife. So Danny Tanner has the semi-reasonable idea to get his Rad brother-in-law and aspiring rock musician Jesse to help him raise his three young daughters. Ok that part I can get behind. Why Danny then decided to get his "quirky" comedian friend Joey Gladstone to move in and help out with taking care of the girls..that part I'm completely lost on. Joey Gladstone has got to be one of the creepiest characters in the history of television. Some 30 something single guy who does Popeye impersonations and loves to tickle little girls. Yeah definitely no red flags there. If "Full House" had lasted into Michelle's teen years, Uncle Joey would definitely have been guilty of buying Parrot Bay and wine coolers for all her friends as official "chaperone" of the weekend slumber party at the Tanner household. If he wasn't a perv, Uncle Joey was at the very least a closet homosexual.

As if this house wasn't crowded enough, Uncle Jesse then starts banging Danny's co-host on a hit morning show Becky, and she moves in. HUH? First of all why is Katie Couric dating an aspiring rock star without a record deal? Second...why are they not staying at her house? Then of course they get married..have twins...and still don't fucking leave. What the hell? Why wouldn't you get your own place? Not Danny's fault you can't afford a nursery on your tips from Open Mic night. Once two of the three girls were in high school, did Danny Tanner still need that much help in taking care of the kids? Couldn't D.J. just watch her little sisters. Couldn't creepball Uncle Joey with his "aspiring" comedy career have moved out at this point? Couldn't all domestic responsibilities have been handled by Danny and one English butler, or college sophomore? I don't know, anything to avoid this wave of freeloaders Danny had to support. Of course these ideas are all the product of "logic," and I think at this point we've firmly established that logic and reason have no place within the confines of the Rad old school sitcom.