Lawn Summer Movie Preview

Today is Memorial Day so I hope that all of you took some time out from BBQing and drinking budweiser by the pool this weekend to remember our nation's brave war veterans. For most of the country , Memorial Day weekend means the official start of summer, as school is out and the weather is finally warm enough for shorts and flip flops. On a related note Memorial Day weekend is also the beginning of summer movie season. That time of year where Hollywood rolls out their best "popcorn flicks" (Movies that don't require thinking) in an effort to get you to fork over $10 to your local cineplex on a weekly basis. Of course, as is the case with all entertainment these days, 90% of what is released is bound to be complete garbage. This year looks no different, as a quick glance at the summer release schedule tells me there are only a few movies worth wasting two hours of my Saturday on. Without further ado I have decided to preview all the major upcoming releases in the Lawn's 2011 Summer Movie Preview.

1. The Hangover 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYL_T7f59o8

This is probably the first summer movie I will check out, solely because the first one was hilarious. I have to say however, that I have pretty low expectations for this one. This is based primarily on the proven fact that comedy sequels always suck, even when the entire cast returns. I mean even if they're not bad, they never live up to the standard of the original. The Hangover Part 2 basically looks like they made the same exact movie again, but switched the setting to Bangkok. Which is fine, but one of the things that made the Original Hangover so great was that it was an original ridiculous premise. How the fuck does the same exact thing happen again? After one bachelor party where the random weirdo roofied all our drinks with hallucinogenic drugs, wouldn't you NOT invite that asshole back for another go-around? Or at least monitor your cocktails closely? Obviously this is too much logic for a Bro comedy, so lets just move on.

2. The Tree of Life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXRYA1dxP_0

This wins the prize for "Summer film most likely to garner 12 Oscar nominations" come award season." It also wins the award for "completely bullshit movie I am least likely to watch." I love this trailer that tells me absolutely NOTHING about what the hell this movie is about. This looks like they took the bullshit indie art film that won "best original short" at SXSW and made it a two hour movie. Oh so we've got Brad Pitt...and he raises some kids in a suburb..and the skies are overcast. Oh and now we get to see some flames...and some ocean waves..and then HEY LOOK there's Sean Penn...running his fingers under a sink. Hey Brad Pitt, I didn't see "Babel" or "Benjamin Button" either and I'm not gonna see your latest abstract conceptual "masterpiece" either. Go back to making real movies you asshole.

3. Super 8: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCRQQCKS7go

Contrary to popular belief, this is not a film about a discount motel chain. Since M. Night Shyamalan stopped making decent movies like 10 years ago, J.J. Abrams (Star Trek, Lost) is in charge of giving geeks their sci-fi horror fix this summer. I don't really get into sci-fi flicks, mostly because I'm not really into putting thought into figuring out weird supernatural plot twists. This movie looks like "Final Destination" meets "The Happening" where a bunch of general chaos starts occuring in a town, with cars being flung around shit exploding. With Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights presumably in charge of stopping it all. Lame.

4. Green Lantern: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oazFv302DIM

Summer of course is also when all the comic super-hero flicks come out which can either be awesome (Batman/Spiderman 1 & 2) or horrible (Fantastic 4). I'm guessing this one fits in the latter category. I've never really liked Ryan Reynolds, he's always struck me as kind of a douche bro in the same vein as Ashton Kutcher. Also, never was enough of a comic book geek to even remember who Green Lantern was. So yeah based on that, not gonna see this.

5. Bad Teacher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VihlsPKMh4U

This actually looks like it has some potential. Apparently this movie follows the formula of Bad Santa, but substitutes Cameron Diaz as the immoral misfit boozehound working in a position that requires being nice to children. Justin Timberlake, and Jason Sigel are generally hilarious, and this movie's rated R so we can get some quality raunchy dialogue from them and Diaz hopefully. Also, in case nobody noticed Cameron Diaz has a sexy car wash scene. So yeah, I'm probably down.

6. Transformers: Dark of the Moon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHRf01Gjosk

The third installment in Michael Bay's series of shitty blockbuster robot warfare movies starring Shia LeDouche and Megan Fox's tits. Only this time around Megan Fox's tits didn't make the casting cut. So, there's officially no reason to see this glorified two hour toy commercial.

7. Zookeeper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu2zaUT6RQo

"Yeah we should definitely just make Dr. Dolittle again, except substitute Kevin James for Eddie Murphy."

God movie execs are fucking assholes.

8. Horrible Bosses: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDUpOXfwQUo

A movie about everyone's (except me of course) fantasy of killing off their douchebag supervisor. Sounds pretty Rad. Any trailer that involves Charlie from "Always Sunny" yelling "LETS KILL THIS BITCH!" generally has me at hello. Throw in Kevin Spacey as an asshole boss, Jason Bateman, and a premise that involves Colin Farrel being murdered and I'm sold.

9. Harry Potter part 27: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mObK5XD8udk

They've promised me this is the LAST installment of the stupid kiddie movie phenomenon that chicks love. If it's not, I say we dispatch Navy Seal Team 6 after that British bitch who writes this shit.

10. Friends with Benefits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34xfcoRceeU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ubfcfs98MBw
...

Ok I know saying chick flicks are predictably formulaic is kinda like stating that Tyler Perry films are loud and sassy, but seriously this is ridiculous. They just made the same exact fucking movie like 3 months ago. Except substituting Timberlake and Mila Kunis for Kutcher and Natalie Portman, and changing the name. I assume around Christmas we'll get the third variation on the "Friends start banging casually then fall in love" formula. "Ugly Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached" starring Sarah Jessica Parker, coming soon to a theatre near you.

11. Cowboys and Aliens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJixNxFxhT4

I seriously got a full blown boner when I heard the concept of this movie, and had to double check that it was for real. Ok so....James Bond...Indiana Jones...in a western...involving intergalactic warfare/alien invasion. WHAT?? FUCKING SIGN ME UP. You also gotta love that for once the movie studios didn't get creative in titling a movie. "Yeah uh...there's Cowboys & Aliens...fighting each other. What else do you really need to know?" (We'll throw in Olivia Wilde standing around being hot for good measure). This movie looks like a complete overload of Rad. If you don't want to see this movie you have no penis and/or listen to Coldplay. If there's one movie I will definitely be forking over ten beans for, it's this cinematic gem.

Anyways that's it for the first Lawn Summer Movie Preview. Hopefully this will help you make the right decisions in picking and choosing what popcorn flicks you are gonna throw your hard earned paychecks at. More importantly, I hope it helps you decide what NOT to see, when you could be day drinking in the sun instead. At any rate, enjoy the summer movie season while it lasts, before it gets cold and we are forced to watch all the bullshit Oscar contender flicks to take our mind off the lack of NFL football.

And The Award For Biggest Dipshit Awards Show Goes To...

Tonight is Oscar night, and obviously whenever Hollywood dipshits are involved I have something to be angry about. We all know that just like music, any movie that is hip and critically acclaimed probably sucks in my eyes. The "Oscar Buzz" movie of each year almost always disappoints me or puts me to sleep. Movie about Bill Murray walking around Tokyo for 2 hours with Scarlett Johanssen where nothing happens...not my cup of tea. Movie about some ghetto Indian kids who go on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire." Lame. I am a movie buff however, so I do generally make the effort every year to try and watch the big buzz worthy flicks and keep up with who gets nominated for and wins what. Mostly so I can just get pissed off when the actors and films I love don't get the Academy love I feel they deserved. (Update: Rad dude Christian Bale won best supporting actor..I'm temporarily pleased). There are so many issues I have with the Oscars that it seems only fitting that I compile a list of things that piss me off about the awards, and angrily rant about them. Here we go.

1. The Bias Against Rad Flicks

Terminator 2. The Dark Knight. American Psycho. The Big Lebowski. Animal House. What do these films have in common? Well first of all, they are all classic Rad flicks that pretty much every dude with an actual DVD collection probably owns. Also...none of them were even Nominated for Best Picture the year they were eligible. They are all movie's that have stood the test of time as amazing movies that you can re-watch a billion times. Yet they weren't good enough to be considered ONE of the best movies the year they came out? Give me a fucking break. Clearly the Academy has a total bias against Rad flicks. One of the few recent exceptions would be "The Departed" which basically had to be awarded to make up for Marty being snubbed for so many years (more on this later). Otherwise you've gotta be a certain "type" of movie to get Best Picture recognition (More on this soon). For example this year two of the best movies I saw were "Shutter Island" and "The Town." Badass horror/psychological thriller and crime heist flick respectively. Apparently not amongst the 10 best movies this year. Toy Story 3 however...apparently is. What the fuck.

2. Being the right "type" of Movie..leads to awards

In order to get nominated for an Oscar (and especially to win), it seems like 90% of the time you have to be a certain "type" of movie. You've gotta be some sort of elaborate historical epic (Dances with Wolves, Schindler's List, Titanic). You''ve gotta be some sort of bio-pic about somebody who's dead (Ray, Milk, Walk The Line). You've gotta have some sort of social message (Crash, Philadelphia). Or you have to be about a retard (too many to name). Otherwise youre totally fucked when it comes to scoring Oscar gold. You know what movie "Dances With Wolves" beat out for Best Picture? Oh just a little movie called "Goodfellas." Yeah I mean clearly 20+ years later I can't count the number of lazy Sunday afternoons I've spent watching that five hour piece of shit about Kevin Costner hanging out with an Indian tribe. "Goodfellas" though..rarely re-watched, definitely remember very few scenes from that random mob flick. "The Fugitive" is a hall of fame Rad flick (with never nominated Rad acting icon Harrison Ford)...couldn't beat out a black and white movie about the holocaust. Titanic is just "The Notebook" on the Titanic. "Crash" is just a homeless man's American History X with a happier ending. All these movies though..best picture winners. Bullshit.

3. It's a Lifetime Achievement Award Show

The Oscars annually portray themselves as an award show that awards cinematic excellence for the individual year they take place in. The best movie that came out THIS YEAR. The best acting performance of THIS YEAR. Everybody knows this is a total crock of shit though. More often than not however, you get awarded by the Academy for your life's resume of work. Once the Oscars feels bad that you've been nominated..and lost..for so many movies/roles you deserved to be awarded for, they give you an Oscar. For example, the aforementioned Marty Scorcese's finest work came in "Goodfellas" and he was nominated a billion times and lost to lesser directors/films. So finally with "The Departed" (good flick...not his best work) he won best picture/director. Al Pacino put on an acting clinic in the 70s with four lead actor Oscar nominations in classic films. Couldn't win one Oscar. Most Notably in 1973 he was nominated for what I consider to be maybe the greatest individual acting performance ever in Godfather II. Clearly he lost to Art Carney's tour de force in the alltime classic "Harry and Tonto" (yes that was sarcasm). Then got awarded for screaming a lot in a Southern accent in "Scent of a Woman" (editor's note: I love and own this movie). Last year Jeff Bridges won his lifetime achievement Oscar by beating out Colin Firth. This year minutes ago, (taking nothing away from "The King's Speech") Colin Firth won best actor because he'd been nominated and lost before in the category. Duh. Moving on.

4. No Love for the Funny Men

Can somebody please explain to me why there are ZERO categories for comedy at The Oscars? Is comedy not considered acting? To me comedic acting is actually some of the hardest work in film to pull off. I'm sorry but I seriously doubt Sean Penn could nail the role of Lloyd Christmas in "Dumb and Dumber" as well as Jim Carrey did. 30 plus years later, yeah "The Deer Hunter" is a great five hour epic depressing Vietnam drama worth seeing once, but "Animal House" is the iconic film of 1978 that has stood the test of time. There are a billion dipshit categories like "Best Animated Short Film Documentary Editing" that nobody gives a shit about, but not ONE comedy category? Basicall a group of hipsters can make a 15 minute film where they tape themselves taking dumps, film it in black and white and win a fucking Oscar. However, if you were involved with the most hilarious movie of the year that made audiences nationwide piss their pants...no recognition for you. There is even a fucking category for "best song in a motion picture." Not best soundtrack. Just best random theme song to a movie that played while you're rolling through the credits. Hence why the current Oscar tally reads: Three Six Mafia: 1 Eddie Murphy/Steve Martin/John Candy/John Belushi: 0

5. It's an Epic Fart Sniffing Competition

Everyone knows nobody likes the smell of their own farts more than Hollywood celebrities, and their is no better self-indulgent forum to discuss what wonderful human beings you and your acting peers are than the Oscars. Just a second ago Sandra Bullock was introduced as a presenter who "is known as much for her acting as for her work as a human being" (paraphrasing). OMG. Look at this rich white woman who fucking adopted a BLACK baby! She is soooooo progressive and not racist! The acceptance speeches are the fucking WORST. You would think that Hollywood single-handedly created the Civil Rights movement, approved Gay marriage, and defeated the Nazis if you've ever heard an Oscar acceptance speech. A few years ago George Clooney made it seem like Hollywood giving Hattie McDaniel of "Gone With The Wind" an Oscar in 1939 basically ended segregation. Yeah nice work Hollywood, your great work really paid off 30 years later. If you win anything with a role/film connected to a social cause/historical injustic you have to rant about how much you loved "bringing light" to it with your work. Even though everyone knows you would give a fuck about civil rights/gay rights/AIDS etc. if you weren't filthy rich and famous with an image to uphold. They should just give an award at the end of the show to "Most self-indulgent flatulence smeller in an acceptance speech" once everything else has been handed out.

Sunday Evening Rad Flick

I'm gonna lay out a movie plotline for you. A young girl tragically loses her family. With nowhere else to go she turns to her neighbor who lives alone next door for a place to stay. He takes the child into his home and raises her like his own. She cooks, cleans and teaches her illiterate caretaker how to read in return. They develop a relationship akin to any single father and daughter. At this point you're like ok...stop right here. This sounds like the lamest movie ever and probably stars Miley Cyrus or Amanda Bynes as an abandoned teen girl beaing raised by Greg Kinnear. BOOOWRING. Why on earth are you recommending this shitty family drama? Well if you'd let me finish I was just about to mention that this movie involves badass mob hitmen, corrupt drug addled DEA agents, and some of the Raddest shootout scenes ever recorded on film. Sound a little more intriguing than you first thought huh? I give you this week's Sunday Evening Rad Flick: Leon The Professional.

Leon The Professional is a fucking Rad action flick. It's actually a French film (directed by Nikita's Luc Besson) that happens to feature English dialogue and an entire cast of badass (but relatively B-list) Hollywood actors. I think you can safely say this is the most badass movie with the words "French Film" attached to its description. The movie's main character is Frenchman Leon', a "Cleaner" (assassin) for the Italian mob in New York City. We find out pretty early that he is the best at what he does and there is no cleaning job too complex for him to handle. Unfortunately, Leon doesn't have much of a life outside of whacking guys named Vinny who owe his boss money, unless you consider tending to your houseplants and watching Gene Kelly flicks on TCM an active social lifestyle (i.e. you're a cat owner). That is until he meets his neighbor Matilda, a rebellious 5th grader that smokes cigs in the hallway, swears, skips school and generally hates her life. Matilda is played by a smoking hot 12 year old Natalie Portman (NBC's "To Catch a Predator"...I'm fucking joking), before her days of listening to The Shins and making shitty hipster romance flicks with Zach Braff. Leon and his young neighbor immediately hit it off as fellow loners.

Since Matilda's daddy is a deadbeat shithead, he is deeply in debt to people that are not to be fucked with. When he runs out of time on one debt in particular, a dirty DEA agents on the take show up to his front door to collect. By "collect" I mean they kick in the door and brutally murdering Matilda's entire fam in broad daylight as punishment for failing to make the payment. Luckily for Matilda she's out at the store during this ordeal and upon seeing police tape around her apartment seeks refuge at Leon the hitman's apartment across the hall. She tells him the story and he lets her temporarily (so he thinks) stay at his crib. After a few days they come to a compromise. She agrees to help around the house, do the grocery shopping etc. In exchange Leon' will let Matilda stay in the apt. and will train her to be a "cleaner" so that she can eventually avenge her family's murders. He starts to take her along on his jobs and teaches her to use each item in his arsenal of rad firearms, starting with small pistols and sniper rifles. Unfotunately this backfires when Matilda takes matters into her own hands a little early, complicating matters for her and Leon.' I won't give away any more.

Anyways, the key to any Rad action flick about the battle between good and evil is often a totally psychotic Rad villain. While people these days know Gary Oldman for his role as good guy Commissioner Gordon in the Batman flicks, generally you'd be hard pressed to find an actor that portrays a totally Rad bad guy as well as Gary Oldman. Think Dracula, True Romance, and most recently The Book of Eli to name a few. Oldman's evil tour de force however, is The Professional. In this flick he plays crackhead nutball Stansfield a dirty DEA agent that's gone way over the edge and is a total lunatic. Stansfield absolutely gives less than a fuck. He's in it for number 1 and will off anybody that crosses him or puts him in a bind, be they man, woman, child or grandma. Stansfield gets hyped for fucking people up by listening to...Beethoven. Yeah I know, most people got fired up for high school basketball by listening to DMX, so this seems like a curious choice. Somehow when you're bat-shit insane though, Ol' Ludwig Van B. does the trick in inspiring you to start spraying bullets every which way. Below is a clip that shows Stansfield at his diabolical best, jamming out to symphonies, firing shotguns, and then sitting down to a nice chat about how he picks his work jams. It's totally Rad.

If you're looking for your standard cookie cutter generic action flick go check out the newest 90 minutes of cinematic excrement from Nicolas Cage or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. If you want to watch a totally Rad and unique action drama however, check out Leon' The Professional. It fucking rocks. Trust me Stansfield in all his psychotic glory, and his Beethoven tapes makes it worth it alone.

Sunday Evening Rad Flick

I've made it very clear on this blog just how disgusted I am with the current state of music (or rather what passes for "music" these days. Rock and Roll however, is not the only entertainment industry that I have utter disdain for. I also have serious beefs with Hollywood and the film excrement they try to pass of as cinematic excellence. I used to be addicted to going to the movies and hitting up Blockbuster for the latest rental releases. Now I'm lucky if there is one movie a year that I am truly impressed with. A truly classic flick that above all is highly rewatchable. Any movie can be enjoyable once, but a Rad flick can be watched over and over again, and never gets old. Timeless flicks are a rarity these days, so I'm adding a new feature to The Lawn where I will showcase a Rad flick each week, while angrily shitting on other non-Rad films. This week's Sunday Evening Rad Flick: CARLITO'S WAY.

If I were to say to you, "Quick name me a super Rad movie directed by Brian De Palma, starring Al Pacino as a Latin-American drug kingpin," what would your first answer be? It would obviously be "Scarface" right? Wrong answer. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. If you were a true connoisseur of Rad flicks you would have quickly responded "Carlito's Way." I'm sorry but Scarface is one of the most overrated gangster flicks ever and certainly Al Pacino's most overhyped role as an actor. Just like every other dude in the world I obviously "like" Scarface. It's hilariously over the top 80's cheesedick entertainment, that rates about a 17 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale. It is not however, a "good movie." And Al Pacino's ridiculous Cuban accent and coked up machissmo is not "good acting." Saying Scarface is the greatest gangster movie ever is kinda like saying you consider Poison the greatest rock band in history. For truly Rad gangster entertainment featuring Pacino as a far more subtle badass you should turn to Carlito's Way.

Carlito's Way is such a fucking Rad flick. Most gangster flicks follow a familiar formula: Watch the badass main character as he rises from humble beginnings to a position of power in the crime world, and then watch his fall from the top that eventually leads to his incarceration/death. Carlito's Way however is one of the few flicks that focuses on a gangster that has already experienced all of the highs and lows of his illegal profession, and is now actually making an effort to get out of the game and get involved with legitimate business. Basically a retired Rad dude, that is now trying to get his shit together. In Carlito's Way we have newly released from prison Po-Rican drug kingpin Carlito Brigante ("The JP Morgan of the Smack business"), making a return to his old streets. Only now he's trying to go straight. Yeah well clearly that shit ain't happening. Not when you have a coked up scumbag attorney (A sleaztastic Senn Penn with totally Rad Jew fro) holding you in his debt for getting your ass out of the pen early. Not when you got District Attorneys with a hard-on for you, waiting for a slip-up. Not when you got chain-snatching, jive-ass maricon motherfuckers like Benny Blanco (From the Bronx) and Pachanga looking to make a name for themselves. Even as a legit club owner Charlie will have to look over his shoulder everytime he blows his nose. His plan for getting outta the game is completely fucked from the get-go.

Carlito's Way has all the essential elements needed for a classic Rad flick. First of all, it has totally badass dialogue. Remember all those awesome intros on the old school Jay-Z albums?

"OK I RELOADED! You Muthafuckas think you big time?? Fuckin wit me you gon' die big time! Here come da Pain!"

"Somebody's pulling me close to the ground...I ain't panicked.."

Yeah people generally assume these lines are from Scarface. They're not. They're from Carlito's Way. Carlito's Way also benefits from following the inner dialogue narration format (ala "Goodfellas"), where Carlito cracks eggs of knowledge all over your ass throughout the film, in talking about the pitfalls of the hustler's code and how hard it is to lose your gangster instincts. "He don't invite this shit..it comes to him..he runs, it runs after him.." This is another rad element of the flick. Our hero's constant inner-conflict. Rad flicks never have a boy scout for a hero. The main dude has gotta be flawed in some manner, walking the fine line between right and wrong. Brigante has to toe the line between staying out of trouble to avoid a return to incarceration, while also maintaining his rep as a badass amongst the mobsters, drug dealers and thugs. At every corner he's gotta pick between firing back and running away from the shootout. He's gotta decide which low-lifes he needs to kill and which ones just need to be sent a message by being hurled down a flight of stairs. He's gotta figure out how much he can truly pay back his cokehead lawyer David Kleinfeld, without putting his own ass on the line. After all, "A Favor gon' kill you faster than a bullet." These are the dilemmas that drive every moment of this Rad flick.

Perhaps the most important element of any Rad flick is "The Scene." I don't mean just a cool movie scene. I mean a moment in a flick that is truly memorable. You know where you're flipping through your TV and you land on that one scene in a movie that you HAVE to watch. I don't care what I'm doing, I am not leaving this couch till this scene is over. THAT scene. In "Carlito's Way" The Scene is the extended chase scene through Grand Central/Penn Station (check the IMDB goofs section on the film for further explanation). This scene is totally Rad. You are on the edge of your seat the entire time. How long can Carlito hide out behind that pillar? Can he get on this subway train and duck his pursuers? How many bad guys can he possibly take out with his one Baretta? Will he make the last Amtrak to Miami with his pregnant girlfriend in tow? Has he truly tied up ALL loose ends in his life, or is there one base he left uncovered? As Carlito himself tells you earlier, if you can't see all the angles...you're in trouble. Anyways I can't delve any deeper without spoiling this rad flick for you.

So just take an evening off from watching your limited edition platinum 20th Anniversary copy of Scarface for the zillionth time, and rent/Netflix a far better gangster pic. Carlito Brigante motherfucker to the max. Go along for the ride..the whole ride..all the way to the end of the line wherever that is.

Your Requisite Harry Potter Hater Post

As a general rule, if there is a popular Hollywood blockbuster movie franchise out there, I probably have zero interest in it. Think: The Matrix Trilogy, Lord of The Rings, and all of the post "Return of the Jedi" Star Wars flicks. Yeah I have not seen even ONE of these movies. There are of course obvious reasons for this. Crazy conceptual Sci-fi movies don't really do it for me, (i.e. If you're looking for the one guy who didn't like "Inception"...look no further..) so The Matrix doesn't hold much appeal to me. Star Wars minus Darth Vader and Han Solo...Meh. I don't have the attention span for anything that's 3 hours plus in length unless "Godfather" is attached to the title so Lord of The Rings will probably put me to sleep. Regardless, I understand that other people are interested in watching movies about fighting against machines, intergalactic space warfare, and epic medieval fantasy battles. One franchise I'm completely lost on however, releases its seventh (7TH!!) installment this week, and I will not be in the insane cineplex line Friday night forking over $10 to see it. Of course I'm talking about Harry Fucking Potter.

WTF is the deal with Harry Potter? People are OBSESSED with Harry Potter. Harry Potter is based upon a popular series of childrens books written by some British Twat named J.K. Rawlings. So you would think that the franchise's core audience would be you know...children. While children do make up a sizeable portion of the their fanbase, there are also a massive amount of young adult Harry Potter fanatics. Yes a large group of twenty-somethings are fascinated by movies about teenage wizard school students who fly around on broomsticks casting spells. Seriously I see no adult appeal for this shit. I was trying to think of another group of movies whose audience demographic is split down the middle between children and young adults. The only one I can think of is the Pirates of The Caribbean Disney franchise. That however, is after all a group of films about swashbuckling pirates that sail around raping and pillaging. It stars...adult movie stars (whoa let me re-phrase that ...it stars..."adults"). You are not watching two hours of kids in schoolboy outfits flying around.

Am I the only one that finds this all kinda creepy..? I mean if I told you I'd been heading down to the local middle school to watch little boys perform in a play..or play basketball..or compete in debate competitions..you'd probably peg me as a creepy weirdo. I mean unless you have kids in the school you probably shouldn't be hanging around Catholic middle school activities. Just like unless you have kids that like the Harry Potter children's novels...you probably shouldn't be going to see their movies. I'm sorry call me crazy, but I think going to watch a bunch of teenagers in schoolboy outfits do battle with each other seems straight out of a pedophile fetish fantasy search engine. That's just me. I mean if you throw the words..."wizards, spells, magic...schoolboys" together in some combination I'm just gonna assume we're talking about the local Dungeons and Dragons fanatic who lives in his mom's basement watching child porn. (aka my neighbor the single cat owner).

Of course the above paragraph is only really applicable to male Harry Potter fans. While there are a surprising amount of adult dudes that like Harry Potter (generally gays), most of the kiddie wizard fan brigade above the age of 17 are chicks. Of course. I say "of course" because as I've mentioned before chicks love stupid shit. I'm sorry ladies, but lets face it...Twilight, Top 40 radio, Glee...and now Harry Potter. You are responsible for the success of all of these entertainment abominations. It's not so much the fact that chicks like Harry Potter that annoys me so much as how often they openly express their love for this stupid ass franchise. Girls blow up facebook, g-chat, twitter whatever with their stupid ass Harry Potter status updates. They post every new trailer that comes out. They set up countdowns, posting the number of hours until the new Harry Potter installment comes out. They set up group movie dates to go see the new Harry Potter flick (FYI If you're a single dude that gets invited to Harry Potter Friday..you're officially in "The friend zone"). Not in the way normal people decide to go see a movie. No they actually make elaborate plans regarding their viewing experience. They have little Harry Potter pre-parties before going to see the movie. They watch all the previous Harry Potters in a row in the week leading up to that fateful Friday. The whole world must know about it.

Geeky Slutbag #1: Um 72 hours till the Deathly Hollows!!!! Super Psyched :)!!

Dorktastic Twatbox: ZOMG I. CAN'T. WAIT.

Geeky Slutbag #2: Um I'm baking the Pumpkin loaf for tomorrow's Prisoner of Azkaban watch party RIGHT NOW. LOL.

Geeky Slutbag #1: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY. HARRY + your Pumpkin loaf = : ) :)

Jesus christ. Nobody gives a fuck about your love of children's literature and the accompanying big screen adaptations. Shut up. When Rocky Balboa came out my bros and I didn't throw a pizza and keg watch party (dudes are not under any circumstances allowed to bake) for the first five Rocky flicks (which actually would be kinda awesome). Or post on each other's walls: "Brooo! Rocky IV @ my crib tonight I'll supply the booze!!" We just went and saw the fucking movie, knowing that nobody outside our social circle cared to know. Please do the same.

Anyways, as the magazine cover above indicates, the end is near. There are apparently only two Harry Potter flicks left to be released. After that this kiddie wizard fanatic nightmare will be over. Assuming Miss J.K. Rawlings doesn't write any more Goddamn bbooks that can be adapted to the big screen. Which I will personally make sure of. If she even hints at writing another fucking book, I will personally fly across the pond and slap her across the face with a tea kettle and beat her with a broomstick. There will be nothing magical about it.

We Need A MONTAGE

This week I was sitting around bored and Rocky IV happened to pop on Spike. Rocky IV is totally rad. For those of y'all that aren't Americans or history majors, it is a well known fact that Rocky Balboa's defeat of Ivan Drago in Moscow in 1985 singlehandedly ended the Cold War. After all if he could change, we all could change. If the final rounds of the epic Balboa-Drago clash is on tv I'm immediately gonna stop what I'm doing and take a seat. Anyways watching Rocky IV got me thinking, whatever happened to epic fighting movies?

Back in the day fight movies were all the rage. There was the Rocky series. There was "Kickboxer" and "Bloodsport," and "Lionheart." There was "Best of the Best." There was the Karate Kid trilogy (I don't acknowledge any Karate Kids without the Miyagi/Russo tandem). Then a bunch of asshole execs in Hollywood decided to stop making these brilliant films. WHY? These movies were awesome. Although all these movies didn't have the EXACT same plot, they were all pretty much based around the same basic themes. Since Hollywood has apparently forgotten the flawless formula to an epic fight movie, I will now present it.

1. Tragedy Strikes

The hero in every fight movie is a reluctant warrior. He needs some sort of motivation to get himself in the ring and pummel somebody. So generally somebody close to him has to die or at the very least get crippled at the beginning of the movie. Ideally this tragedy is caused by the very same asshole that he will meet in the ring for a final epic battle. Think Kurt Sloane's brother getting crippled in "Kickboxer." Balboa having to deal with the tragic deaths of Mickey and then Apollo in back to back Rocky flicks. I guess there wasn't really a tragedy in the Karate Kid series other than the fact that Elizabeth Shue was somehow dating Danny Russo. Whatever, moving on.

2. A Super Evil Villain

If you're gonna go out and fight somebody they might as well be a total dickhead. Somebody that fights dirty. Somebody with no morals whatsoever. Somebody that will stop at nothing to prevail in the ring, even if it means putting somebody in a wheelchair or a body bag. A complete fucking asshole. Remember what Ivan Drago says as Apollo is lying bloody and motionless on the canvas? "If he dies.....he dies." What a cock. You just killed a dude in an exhibition match you Commie bastard. The Cobra Kai in Karate Kid? Total pricks. Their DoJo instructor actually told his kids to snap people's legs in a youth karate tournament. That's like a little league coach telling his pitcher to bean members of the other team in the head. I never understood how every single douchebag kid in the valley managed to find the DoJo led by an asshole karate master in Karate Kid btw. Seemed like a pretty random coincidence.

3. An Older, Wiser Mentor/Trainer

Mr. Myagi is the most obvious example of this of course. A crazy old kook with unorthodox training methods is always needed in order for a fighter to succeed. What he's putting you through may not make sense now, but at some point it will assist you in the wrong. He's not making you scrub fences for the hell of it Daniel-San. He's teaching you how to block punches. Mickey didn't make Rocky chase chickens in the street for his own amusement. He was developing Balboa's quickness so he could stick and move with more athletic black dudes. Frank Dux in "Bloodsport" had a crazy old chinese dude who used to make him practice blindfolded. Well that seems pretty retarded. Yeah...until Chong Li fucking blinds you in the ring and you are forced to defeat him by maximizing your other senses. Without a looney old dude training you, or at least a veteran mentor (think Apollo in Rocky 3) you will not succeed in battle against a bigger, stronger, evil opponent.

4. A MONTAGE

An epic fight movie without a montage is like a Tyler Perry movie without a cookout. You HAVE to have a montage. If possible you should have multiple montages. Montages are key in a fight movie because they show the audience every stage of a fighter's development from unprepared amateur to pure human killing machine. Normally when you think of how a fighter prepares for a match, you think gym, weight lifting, punching bag. Yeah well when you're preparing to fight a 6-6 psycho on steroids you need to put a little extra into your training regimen. You have to go running somewhere in public for sure. Preferrably through the broken down back streets of your city. In the cold. With a hoodie on. If possible run through the snowy mountains of Siberia in sub zero temperatures. You also use primitive training equipment. You don't lift weights, you lift giant logs. You don't punch bags, you punch blocks of wood and bricks. A fight movie montage is always set to a totally Rad rock pump up jam about fighting to be the best, or fighting to survive, or having a fire burning inside you.

5. An EPIC Final Battle

You would think that after being inspired by tragedy, trained by an old man, and running through mountains and carrying wood you are actually overprepared for your matchup with the gigantic villainous asshole you're finally facing. Yeah right. The whole reason you needed every bit of your unorthodox training regimen was because this fight was going to be fucking EPIC. No hero in a fight movie just walks in and knocks out the asshole they're facing in the second round. Initially in the final battle of a fight movie, our warrior actually seems completely overmatched. He's totally getting his ass beat. He can't block any punches. Every blow he lands does nothing to his opponent. You can tell he has been secluded out in the mountains, punching bricks blindfolded rather than like...actually sparring with people.

Then however, he remembers why he is here. He thinks back to the tragedy this asshole caused. He hears his trainer/or fallen compadre cheering him on in his head. He realizes he didn't put in this much work to come up here and go out like a chump. So he gets up off the canvas and goes FUCKING BONKERS. He lands combo after combo. He dodges every punch. His opponent realizes that all the physical ability in the world can't defeat HEART. The crowd notices just how much heart this warrior has, and no matter who they initially put money on, now they are cheering for him. He knocks giant super asshole the fuck out and emerges victorious. The movie closes with him pumping his fist in the air in a still shot. Montage pump up jam comes on. Roll credits.

There you have it. Five easy steps to creating the perfect epic fight movie. Follow these directions Hollywood, and you will not fail. Now somebody get out there and make me a movie where fists and roundhouse kicks are flying in the ring. I don't wanna see a movie about rap battles. I don't want to watch a movie where rival gangs have dance-off showdowns. I want a fight movie. I want A FUCKING MONTAGE.

Dear Marty, Find These Geezers Some Decent Work

Today is Paul Newman day on AMC. As I've mentioned before Paul Newman totally kicked ass, no need to dwell on the various reasons why. One of the most amazing things about Paul Newman's career is how consistent he was well into his older years. Most good actors have maybe a 7 to 10 year peak where they do their finest work. Truly great actors however, can generally adapt to different roles in their older years and still do great work. Some of Paul Newman's most powerful roles came in his older years from his Oscar winning nod as a veteran pool shark in "The Color of Money" (Age 61) to his final Academy nominated role as an old mob boss in "The Road to Perdition" (Age 77). Today, Clint Eastwood (age 80) is still knocking them out of the park every time he makes a movie. Jack Nicholson (Age 63) even though he does a lot of paycheck comedies, still shines when he's cast in a real movie like "The Departed" or "About Schmidt." Not that I really watch many of her movies, but Merryl Streep upon hitting 60 has recently seen her career flourish with a series of critically acclaimed roles. You get the point. So WHAT I ask you...is the deal with the two geezers pictured to the left?

At one point there were perhaps no two actors in history that had more consistent Hollywood careers than Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. Obviously their careers peaked in the 70s and 80s, but no actor could expect to replicate their ridiculous run of great films in a row during those decades. From the first 2 Godfather flicks in the early 70s through about 1983, it seemed like every single film they appeared in was a classic. Then of course their careers tailed off a little bit, and they started to do some cheesy paycheck films and comedies. Generally however, every couple of years they would appear in a great (or at least good) movie and remind you they could still take charge of a powerful role and keep you glued to the big screen. De Niro countered every "Midnight Run" or "Mad Dog and Glory" with a powerful role in "Cape Fear" or "Casino." For every "Dick Tracy" or "Frankie and Johnny" Al Pacino got involved with there was a great role in "Carlito's Way" or "Donnie Brasco" to make up for it. They of course shared the screen together for the first time (Never seen together in Godfather 2) in 1995's "Heat" and that coffee shop scene is one of those movie moments you ALWAYS sit through whenever you catch it on tv.

Then the millenium hit and I have no fucking clue what happened. I don't know if Pacino and De Niro just randomly started picking shitty roles. I don't know if great directors randomly decided to stop casting them in movies. Who knows? The point is from 2000 onward their careers have pretty much been shit. Name me ONE memorable Pacino/De Niro movie or role from the last decade. One that will stick with you for years to come. The only one that will come to mind is De Niro's turn as asshole father-in-law in "Meet The Parents." Don't get me wrong, "Meet The Parents" was funny the first couple of times and De Niro pulls of subtle comedy really well. That however shouldn't be the ONLY thing a legendary actor is remembered for over the course of a decade. "The Score" is the last decent De Niro flick I remember. Pacino doesn't really dabble in comedy except when it's unintentional so he has had zero memorable roles after 2000. "Insomnia" was a halfway decent flick but that was at the very start of the decade. "The Recruit"..? "Two for the Money." WHAT THE HELL? Why did Al Pacino suddenly start having to share his screen with Colin Farrell and Matthew McConaughey? If there were a Hall of Fame for shitty acting, Farrell and McConaughey would have shrines devoted to them.

Things really hit rock bottom for Al and Bob in 2008 with "Righteous Kill." I was SO psyched for this movie. My two favorite actors acting together...in a cop flick...over the course of a WHOLE MOVIE? No way I am disappointed right. OMG. "Righteous Kill" is maybe the worst fucking movie ever made. Awful. Seriously Rocky 5 is basically "The Shawshank Redemption" compared to "Righteous Kill." I just didn't get it. After all these years, these two legendary actors decide to finally work together on a project, and they get some no-name director, horrible script, and a supporting cast of 50 Cent and the other Wahlberg brother? The thing that really blows my mind is that there seemingly isn't ONE decent director in Hollywood willing to cast Al or Bobby D in a decent movie. All of Scorsese's movies over the last decade featured prominent older male characters. He casts Jack Nicholson, Alec Baldwin...Martin Sheehan to fill these roles. Seriously ONE of these roles couldn't have gone to Pacino or De Niro? Martin Sheehan's turn in "The Departed" featured the WORST movie accent ever. I'm pretty sure Bob or Al could have pulled off saying "Caaaawp" 30 times in an exaggerated Boston Accent.

Despite the disaster that was "Righteous Kill" I'm still conident that these two geezers have some acting chops left. Pacino has garnered recognition for his work in HBO series/movies like "Angels in America" and "You don't Know Jack." De Niro still grabs you with his reserved but powerful on-screen presence, even if it's in a shitty movie like "The Good Shephard." So they just need a good director to take a good script and find a place for Bob or Al in their movie. Then they can get the chance to get on screen and remind us why we idolized them in the first place. So Marty. Or Sydney Lumet. Or Clint Eastwood. Or the Coen Brothers. SOMEBODY. Please find these guys some decent work. If I have to watch these guys trade one-liners with Donnie Wahlberg again I am gonna jump off a fucking bridge.

The Most Useless Fuck in the History of Uselessness

As I've mentioned before, one of the great things about America is the fact that if you have ANY talent, you can make it here. And the word "talent" is defined very loosely in America. Talent can just be the ability to be pretty and rich. Talent can be the ability to amuse people with your outlandish behavior on a reality show. Talent can be the ability to transcribe your daily exploits as an asshole. If you make the effort to go out of your way to do something that makes you interesting to a large audience, I guess you are "talented." That being said, if you are interesting to a large audience because of your ability to scribble on pictures you are not talented. You are a waste of human life that deserves to be hit by a Greyhound bus.

I don't like to share my political views on this blog, but Perez Hilton's mother is the reason I support abortion. He is an absolutely fucking useless human being with no talent whatsoever that got famous for his ability to do...nothing. Celebrity gossip media has steadily grown in this country over the last few decades, as more and more stupid girls longed to know on a daily basis what their favorite Hollywood role models and celebrity crushes were up to. So we got all these fucking media outlets like "US Weekly," "People," and "E!" to keep the estrogen brigade up to date on whether "Famous Whore A broke up with Famous Douchebag B,"or "Famous Slut C" got caught driving drunk with blow. Whatever. At least these various media outlets were all in the business of reporting "news" of some sort. Paparazzi were getting paid to be in the right place at the right time to catch a celebrity engaging in some controversial debauchery. Writers were getting paid to write about this aforementioned behavior and how it affected the grand scheme of things in the world of Tinseltown "whos banging who." These people had a skill, and were "good" at reporting "news" that people cared about.

Amidst this growing nationwide fascination with celebrity gossip, the fat useless shitbag pictured above came up with a "brilliant idea": Take the latest paparazzi shots of famous celebs...post them on the internet on his blog...and then scribble a humorous word bubble/label on the picture. Then briefly comment on the picture so you can call it a "blog post." WOW. You might think to yourself "What a a ridiculously stupid idea for a website." That is of course if "you" are not one of the millions of girls that logged onto his fascinating website and made him a national celebrity (and continue to do so today on a daily basis). UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. Are you kidding me?? What a useless shit. You don't take pictures of celebrities doing stupid shit. You don't uncover scandalous stories. You don't write articles about celebrity gossip. You just acquire other people's shit, post a picture..scribble on it...and then write a 2 sentence comment like "This is Lindsay clearly NOT drunk in New York. You stay classy girl!" That is not talent.

You will often hear me and other people utter the phrase "Seriously anybody could have done that" in reference to things. "Seriously I could have coached the 1996 Chicago Bulls to a championship." "Seriously I could have written that stupid rap song about phat asses." "Seriously I could have invented a blog mocking funny hipster pictures." You get the point. Generally when this phrase is uttered, you know deep down inside that while the accomplishment appeared pretty easy in principle, in reality simply "anybody" could not have done it. Well Perez Hilton is the giant exception to this rule. Stick a huge fucking asterisk next to his pink haired head in the world of "anybody could have done that" comments, because seriously "ANYBODY" can fucking acquire pictures of celebrities doing stupid shit, and scribble a word bubble on the picture followed by a two sentence comment/"joke." I have no doubt in my mind that the most absolutely retarded 11 year old child could do this.

I guess "Perez's" talent comes from the fact that he was the one asshole in the world that realized there would be a market for his "blog." That is where his credit is due. I'm gonna go ahead and agree to disagree. Credit is due to to the other 99.999999999% of the world's population that NEVER thought that scribbling on pics of drunk celebrities would be a logical road to fame and fortune. Nor should it be. Just because you realized there are a lot of fucking stupid girls with short attention spans out there in the world does not mean you are a visionary. I hope you get attacked by a pack of tigers, and somebody scribbles something cute on a picture of your mauled body to post for all the internet to see.

Cawwps Needed in the Areaahh.

Recently I went to the movies and saw the new trailer for the crime drama "The Town" set of course in the city of Boston, Massachusetts. Overall the movie looks very promising. Ben Affleck's directing impressed me in "Gone Baby Gone" and Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame is always badass. The trailer of course also grabbed my attention for it's standard Boston Crime flick trailer characteristics. There's your requisite random night shot of Fenway Park (Where FACKIN SAWKS NATION RESIDES). There's guys in Celtic t-shirts hanging at the local Irish dive bar. There's criminal bros screaming at each other in Boston accents as The heat inches closer to catching them ("THE CAWPS ARE GONNA FACKING GET US!!! WE GOTTA DRIVE OFF IN THE CAHHH NOW!!!"). Thankfully Jon Hamm didn't adopt a cheesedick Bawston accent for the movie because he plays a high ranking FBI official who one would assume wouldn't sound like a retarded 4th grader.

All joking aside I am excited to see this flick, but I'm left wondering...does crime in America ever occur outside of the cities of Boston and New York...? EVER? I think it is safe to say that 90% of all the crime dramas ever made are set in either Boston or New York (with the other 10% being inner city gang flicks set in LA). I mean does 90% of this country's crime occur in those cities? According to 2009 statistics Detroit is considered the most dangerous city in the nation. Really? I was under the assumption that Detroit is a wonderful place to visit where they settle all their scores with epic rap battles rather than firearms. I have NEVER seen a crime drama about Detroit. Baltimore is one of the most crime-riddled cities in America. Obviously there was a great crime-series about Baltimore on HBO called "The Wire" once. Nobody watched it. Of course not...crime in...Baltimore...wtf? That doesn't make sense. Meanwhile The NY Mafia drama the Sopranos became one of the highest rated TV series ever.

New York and Boston crime dramas all follow a formula. If there is crime in New York going down it's the Italian Mafia, and every character wears suits or track suits and speaks in their "Heyyy Bada-Bing fucking Jabroni" voice to each other all movie. In between committing crimes, everyone sits down to spaghetti and red wine. If there is crime going down in Boston it's Irish Homeboys who are more blue collar than their NY counterparts. They all wear wifebeaters, and red sox hats and scream at each in horrible urban accents where annunciation is not required. In between committing crimes they sit down to a pint at the local Irish Pub and get in fights constantly. If there was ever a movie made about Italian mobsters in Boston my head would explode.

Maybe that's why crime dramas work better in these two cities. The cities have personality, they have accents which are easy to concoct an exaggerated impersonation of. People have done movies in these places before, and a lot of actors are from the area, so it's easier to follow a formula. Lots of tourists have visited these two cities, so even outsiders can relate to the town's stereotypes. Do you know what city was second in the nation in murders last year..St. Louis Missouri. Could you imagine a crime drama set in St. Louis, Missouri? What do people even sound like out there? I assume it's just a bunch of the most generic white people ever walking around. You couldn't cast Dicaprio, DeNiro, or Matt Damon. You would have to give the starring roles to like Tobey Maguire and Topher Grace, with Zooey Deschanel playing the female lead. Jeff Daniels would have to play the role of town mob boss with Michael Cera playing his top henchman. Sign me up for that shit...

What about an ensemble crime drama in the South (where believe it or not LOTS of crime occurs)? Well after casting Tommy Lee Jones, and Billy Bob Thorton your pickings are pretty slim for the rest of the cast. IDK how I feel about Matthew McConaughey in a hardass crime drama ("alriiight, alriiight, alright, lets get to robbing some banks here gang"). "No Country for Old Men" (great movie) is the only Southern crime flick I can think of, and that only required one major actor besides Tommy Lee Jones to adopt a Texan accent (Josh Brolin). Nobody wants to risk getting another outsider to try and adopt a Texan accent ever again after James Van Der Beek's Oscar worthy performance in "Varsity Blues." I DON'T WANT...THAT MOVIE...

Anyways I own every one of the aforementioned "formulaic" Boston/NY crime dramas. And they are all generally great flicks. I'm just saying that it would be nice for once to try out setting a badass crime flick in a city outside the Northeast just once, and see how it turned out. Yeah seeing Wahlberg and Damon scream at each other and scuffle while screaming that the other's a "Bad Fackin Cawwp" or "No Fackin Statie" is cool. Joe Pesci calling guys "Muddafuckas" before stomping their face? Awesome. Lets just try something new. A crime flick where everyone's accent sounds like "SlingBlade"..? I don't reckon I got no reason to think it would be that bad...

Obvious Subject of a Hollywood bio-pic (To me only)

Yesterday in scanning the internets, I came across the news that there is a new Janis Joplin bio-pic in the works with Amy Adams being cast in the lead role. First of all, who was in charge of THAT casting? Amy Adams?? The cute girl next door from The Office, and the princess movie...? I don't really picture her being too believable as a Southern Comfort chugging, acid queen train wreck. Not to mention Janis Joplin was ugly as hell. Somebody decidedly more hideous looking probably would have worked better, such as say Sarah Jessica Parker (if she had acting talent).

Anyways, this is far from the first time a legendary dead musician's story has been taken to the big screen. Oliver Stone's "The Doors" was the first really famous one I remember. In recent times they've been all the rage ever since Jamie Foxx of "In Living Color" and "Booty Call" fame managed to win an Oscar after magically gettting thrown into the role of Ray Charles. Oscar darling "Walk the Line" followed bringing the story of Johnny Cash to theaters. Soon everybody was making bio-pics. There was "Notorious" about dead rapper Notorious B.I.G. There was "The Runaways" about....Joan Jett's all female punk group (who fucking green-lighted that one..?). Now there is talk that Kurt Cobain, Jerry Garcia, and the aforementioned Janis Joplin will all be getting their life stories put on the big screen. This all leaves me wondering WHERE THE FUCK IS THE JIMI HENDRIX BIO-PIC?!?

Seriously am I missing something here? Jimi Hendrix may have been the coolest rock star EVER. The guy defined "cool." Not to mention the fact that he was you know...the most influential guitarist ever and a musical genius. Hendrix definitely had a far greater impact on music during his brief stay on this earth, than ANY of the people getting bio-pic treatment that I just mentioned. His versatile catalog would make up an AWESOME movie soundtrack. Lets face it though, none of those aforementioned artists got movies made about their lives based on the merit of their music. Or their lasting influence. All these people's stories made it to the big screen because their LIVES were interesting. Namely they went through crazy circumstances to make it to the top and lived life to the fullest once they got there (Namely being drug addled trainwrecks that stumbled though life).

Well HELLO. Jimi Hendrix's story was MADE for the big screen. Jimi didn't mail in a demo or get discovered by a record exec at a club. No. How did he make it? The guy randomly decided to move to London in the late 60's without a cent to his name, just so he could meet and jam with the world's most renowned guitarist (Cream's Eric Clapton) in front of England's rock royalty and blow him out of the water onstage with his own mind-blowing skills. And then just like that he was an overnight superstar and changing the world of rock and roll forever. That is INSANE. That'd be like if some random kid from Europe nobody had ever heard of came to America, requested to play one on one against Lebron James and then destroyed him with an array of 360 between the legs dunks the likes of which nobody had ever seen. Pretty fucking cool story.

And I think Jimi had the whole rock and roll trainwreck requirement down. The guy was constantly on an excess of at least 4 substances, and partied so hard that his brilliant musical career lasted a whopping total of three years. Yeah I mean Ray Charles and Johnny Cash loved to get fucked up, but hey they lived to have grandkids. They didn't go balls to the wall and burn out at 27. Also Jimi Hendrix's persona was also tailor-made for Hollywood interpretation. The guy wore the most ridiculous rock outfits I have ever seen. "Uh yeah I think I will go with the purple pants, orange blouse, and green bandana for tonight's gig." Ok Jimi. He had an awesome laid back, smooth jive talking way about him that made ladies swoon for a guy whose appearance could only be described as "psychadelic hobo."

Long story short, this movie needs to be made. And not into some shitty made for tv picture (see above). No, I want a legitimate Hollywood director, and Hollywood cast to make a REAL bio-pic about this musical icon. He deserves it. I'm pretty sure've run out of other shitty dead rock "legends" to make movies about. Nobody wants to see a film about the lead singer of INXS folks. So give Jimi his due.

Use that $10 for Something Else you Sick Bastard.

Assuming you've turned on your TV in the last two weeks, you have probably seen about 700 ads for the new Disney Picture "The Sorceror's Apprentice" starring Nicolas Cage. This movie, just like every other Nic Cage vehicle looks utterly retarded. This movie, just like every other Nic Cage flic, is expected to do well at the box office. I read up on some box office result stuff on the interwebs that said that the movie was looking like a complete flop and was only supposed to bring in a "disappointing" 30-35 million dollars in the first five days of release. DISAPPOINTING?!? By my count dividing that number up at $10/ticket, that is approximately 3-3.5 million people in America that you can safely assume don't have a soul.

To be a Famous "A-List" Hollywood actor you have to be either (A) A good actor (B) Good Looking or (C) Funny. Nicolas Cage doesn't fit into any of these categories. So why in the fuck is he a star? Who funds his career? Is this some sort of sick Hollywood conspiracy? On that last note I did some research and found out that he is the nephew of director Francis Ford Coppola (of "Godfather" fame), so I guess that could be part of an explanation for how he rose to the top. For the record fuck the Coppolas at this point. After Francis, you gave careers to Nicolas Cage, and Sofia Coppola who became famous for directing that stupid fucking movie where Bill Murray spends 2 hours in Japan doing nothing humorous. Thanks for nothing. Assholes.

Family connections aside, it's fair to say Nicolas Cage became famous for his award winning portrayal of a loser alcoholic in "Leaving Las Vegas." This was the best Nicolas Cage movie ever. Not so much because he won an Oscar for it, but mostly because Nicolas Cage dies at the end. The concept of winning an award for "portraying" an alcoholic jackass is dumb. How hard was nailing that role? I'll be doing that "portrayal" tonight somewhere downtown. Send me a fucking golden statue. Post Oscar fame, Nicolas Cage then went an insanely succesful run, making a career out of making awful action flicks that all mysteriously rolled in the dough at the box office. There was "Face Off": quite possibly the stupidest movie ever made. There was "Con Air" aka "Forrest Gump" meets "Roadhouse"....ON A PLANE. There was "The Rock" which was somewhat decent but only because Sean Connery kicks ass.

After making a series of critically acclaimed serious films about nothing in particular ("Adaptation" "Matchstick Men") where Nicolas Cage played a quirky weirdo (aka himself), he returned to the shitty action flick scene. There is of course the insanely popular "National Treasure" franchise which is basically a homeless man's Indiana Jones. Nic Cage has also managed to make money off of "Ghost Rider," "Next" and "Bangkok Dangerous" which all could have been renamed "Nic Cage drives a bike...with a mullet." Seriously look at the name of that last one..."Bangkok Dangerous." Are you fucking kidding me?? The creative powers that be didn't even bother to go the extra mile and name it say..."Danger in Bangkok." Was the film named by a Thai hooker? Yet still at some point THAT movie was number 1 at the box office!

So there I just summarized Nicolas Cage's IMDB page for you. Can you name me ONE Nicolas Cage movie that was an absolute MUST-SEE? Or at least one movie that really NEEDED Nicolas Cage in it? NO. You can't. Yet for some reason there are assholes out there that have absolutely NOTHING better to do than to fork over $10 at the movies to fund this douchebag's career. Nicolas Cage is kind of like the Nickelback of Hollywood in that I have never met anyone that is a self-professed "Nic Cage fan" yet somehow he is a commercial cash cow. So whoever you people are that go see Nic Cage movies, a big hearty FUCK YOU. I have no choice but to stereotype you all as either child molesters or serial killers. Because nobody other than a sick soul-less bastard would go see one of his movies. Edward Norton can't get a decent role to save his life but Nicolas Cage is swimming in box office gold. Sign #1 that there is officially no God in Hollywood.

The Death of the Hardass Action Hero

Recently I saw the latest trailer for "Machete." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0985694/ God this movie looks fucking awesome. It stars Danny Trejo (The grungy mexican bad guy in every movie ever) as some sort of knife/gun wielding assassin that is out to take out anybody that is out out to take him out. That's pretty much the plot synopsis. There are also hot chicks involved, shit blows up, bad guys get their asses kicked, and Robert Deniro shows up at some point with a huge revolver. What more do you really need to know...?

I think the reason I am so psyched for this movie is because it reminds of the days of the old school action flick. Mostly it features a hero that is a throwback to the hardass action hero of yesteryear. You see back in the day heros were ugly. They didn't shave. They wore grungy, dirty clothing. They drank and smoked a lot. They used profanity while kicking your ass. Basically Average Joes like myself (Translation: Drunken chain-smoking trainwrecks) could relate to these guys which is what made them so awesome. A part of you believed that one day YOU could also roll out of bed hungover, stumble through your apartment's maze of empty beer cans, throw on a wife-beater and some jeans and go out and take out 40 bad guys with a barrage of bullets from your one gun.

Pictured to the left is Detective John McClane from the Die Hard trilogy (lets forget DH4 happened). He epitomizes the old school hardass action hero. He smoked 17 packs of cigs a day. He only owned one shirt which was technically an undershirt and has never been washed. If there was a crisis you went and found Detective McClane. He's probably passed out on the subway with his shoes off still wreaking of booze from the night before. Wake him up, give him a gun, light his cigarette and tell him of the situation. Detective McClane will wipe his eyes, shake himself off, and then proceed to go annihilate 86 terrorists who chose the wrong building/airport/entire city to fuck with today.

McClane wasn't the only Average Joe action hero running around in the 80's and 90's. There was Charles Bronson (who basically looked like your dad) going around laying down vengeance with one small pistol and a can of whoop-ass in the "Death Wish" flicks. There was pre-racist/insanity phase Mel Gibson in the "Lethal Weapon" flicks as deranged chain smoking, mullet-haired officer Martin Riggs. There was Sly Stallone and Kurt Russel teaming up to kick ass in "Tango and Cash." There was Nick Nolte in the "48 hours" flicks as hard drinking cop Jack Cates who kicked ass in between listening to Eddie Murphy babble one-liners. Shit I will even throw Steven Seagal in there although he was usually too busy beating the shit out of drug dealers with his bare hands to take time out for a drink or a smoke. There was CHUCK..FUCKING..NORRIS.

Nowadays action heros are all fancy looking and impossible to relate to. Jason Bourne kicks ass but cmon he is a trained agency assassin with all this weapons/fighting knowledge that none of us could possibly fathom having. He isn't an average guy from Brooklyn. Jason Statham is a pretty boy Brit who is always wearing a fancy suit while chasing down bad guys in expensive European sports cars in his movies. John McClane didn't drive a car. You know why? Probably cus his piece of shit 87' Cadillac wouldn't fucking start ever. Most cop action flick roles these days are given to comics like Chris Tucker or Martin Lawrence who couldn't kick your grandmother's ass. Give me a break.

I hope the bros of the world dish out some coin to go see "Machete" and badass mantown action flicks like it. If stuff like that does well at the box office than maybe we can finally have a return to the good old days when we could go see badasses on the screen that returned to their dirty one bedroom apartment with a hole in the door at the end of the day after spending all afternoon destroying bad guys. Somebody that says "hey dude if you put your mind to it, maybe you can fight some neighborhood crime today in a wifebeater with a marlboro dangling out of the side of your mouth."

I gotta leave work and catch the subway now. If I find detective McClane passed out under a seat I'll let you know.

Spare some change so we can win the award for Bestest Humans on the Planet

Pictured to the left are Bono and Sean Penn. Sean Penn is a famous actor known for picking roles based on what is most likely to net him an Oscar nod ("Well I played a retard last year, guess I will play a gay icon this year"). This picture is quite the rarity as Sean Penn has only smiled three times in public during his lifetime. Bono is frontman for the rock band U2, who haven't made a good album in 20 years yet maintain a place as the most popular rock act in the world. Bono is also known for wearing orange sunglasses at all times. It is a well known fact that the only people in the world that wear sunglasses indoors are blind people and assholes, and if you look closely at this picture you will note that Bono doesn't have a seeing eye dog with him on the red carpet.

When Sean Penn and Bono aren't securing Oscar Nods or making shitty songs for Apple commercials respectively, they are out saving the world. Despite their careers as entertainers, their true passion is promoting good causes. Whenever tragedy or a natural disaster strikes somewhere in the world, a familiar pattern ensues.

(1) Sean Penn goes on TV and screams at the government.

(2) A Celebrity Telethon fundraiser is organized to help victims of the cause.

(3) Bono/U2 close the telethon with a song. It is worth noting that rather than write a new song, Bono generally just re-works the lyrics of a classic U2 song to fit the cause. like...

"HAITI BLOOOOOODY HAITI!!"

"IN THE NAAAAAAAME OF KATRIIIINAAAAA!!!"

"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.....IN AAAAAAFRICA!!"

I'm all for donating to a good cause, but it appears more and more like these two assclowns (and many other celebs) just love any opportunity for self-promotion. There was a famous actor by the name of Paul Newman who died somewhat recently. He was a total badass. Anyways, when he died I found out (for the first time) that he had donated about $300 million to charitable causes during his lifetime. I never knew this because Paul Newman didn't go out in public and preach about causes close to his heart. He simply donated money out of his own pocket..quietly...and stuck to being known for being a great entertainer.

This relates to another reason these guys are such douchebags. They are in the business of telling YOU what to donate money to. I'm not saying they don't care about these causes they promote, but why don't these celebrities just donate their 5 million dollars of personal pocket change and NOT tell me about it? If I tell all my friends to lend me $5 so I can donate $50 to a local homeless shelter, does that really make ME a great person just because I brought attention to an obvious cause? The answer of course is that then they wouldn't be publically praised for their generosity. They couldn't win awards for being "the most charitable entertainer of the year." They couldn't go on tv and promote their personal political views. I'm sure Kanye felt bad for the victims of Katrina but getting a chance to say "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on TV certainly upped his passion for the cause.

Of course as long as these celebrities are publically praised and awarded by organizations and media outlets for their support of good causes (2005 Time Man of the Year: Bono...REALLY??), this incessant self promotion will continue. So I propose we stop praising and awarding these assholes for promoting good causes to donate money to. You're a celebrity, you're rich, fucking donate your money to whatever you want. If an international tragedy/natural disaster occurs, I will see it on the news and personally find a way to donate money to it if I so wish. I don't need you to tell me about it.

Breaking News: Sean Penn's next role....HOMOSEXUAL RETARD. Just hand him the golden statue now Academy!!

Tyler Perry's "Why did I make the same movie..again?" TOO

Pictured to the left is Tyler Perry. You know him as the director of “Tyler Perry’s: People Perpetuating horrible African-American Stereotypes at Some Form of Family Gathering” Parts 1-18. He is also the star of the popular “I’m dressed as a Sassy Grandma…again” series of films of which there are only about 5 volumes I believe. Unfortunately the picture to the left is just a movie poster, because it would be great if somebody would actually throw this insufferable douchebag in jail.

I’m stating the obvious when I say that Hollywood is a cookie cutter industry. You’ve got the new trend in chick flicks where they just throw 57 famous actors/actresses together in a movie with no semblance of a plot..and girls go see it. You’ve got “Dudes racing supped-up cars REALLY FAST” parts 1-10. There’s Adam Sandler making a shitty bro-comedy every time he realizes that Rob Schneider needs work. Even the great Bobby DeNiro is reprising his role as “Intimidating father-in-law gives Ben Stiller the evil eye for 2 hrs”: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0970866/ “I mean…his name’s FOCKER…which sounds like FUCKER.” That shit’s funny…

Anyways, I get it. If you’re an actor in Hollywood most of the movies you make are gonna be paycheck flicks. Scorsese only makes one film a year, and there are only a few supporting roles available for people not named DiCaprio. And if you’re a director, once you find a formula that always brings in the cheddar, stick to it. Note to Michael Bay “If you blow lots of shit up…they will come.”

That being said at least none of these aforementioned actors/directors is exploiting his culture and encouraging racial stereotyping just to make a buck. Every Tyler Perry movie is exactly the same. There is an African-American family. They get together for a family reunion…or a wedding…or a picnic. Every member of the family is packing mad attitude. They all get into it with each other and say “DAMN!” a lot. Mayhem ensues.

America is full of ignorant assholes that probably see the ad for the new Tyler Perry flick and think that is ACTUALLY what every black family is like. I mean it’s a black guy…directing black actors…in movies about black families. Clearly this is an accurate portrayal of black family life. What makes it worse is that if you’ve ever seen this Ass-clown in interviews, he is actually polished, intelligent and well spoken, and was clearly raised in an African-American household nothing like the retarded caricatures in his movies. We’re not talking about “Larry the Cable Guy” making movies about being a redneck and saying “Git R Done.” We KNOW that asshole is a redneck that likes embracing his umm..“culture.”

Tyler Perry’s films have apparently grossed $400 million dollars. In 2009 Forbes listed him as the 6th highest paid man in Hollywood. That is INSANE. And at least before his idiotic formulaic “comedies” were only put on the big screen where I could avoid it. Now he has brought his stupid blaxploitation humor to TV with not one, but two sitcoms (“House of Payne,” “Meet the Browns”) that my dog could have written the script for. The concept?? Two black families. Fighting like cats and dogs. Being sassy and saying DAMN a lot. Hilarity ensues.

(BTW quick side note.) Fuck you TBS. WTF is with the whole “TBS: Very Funny” ads? You show “Everybody Loves Raymond” re-runs, Tyler Perry sitcoms, the George Lopez show, and Nicolas Cage movies on the weekend. I find nothing “Very Funny” about your programming. Seriously, TBS Execs = child molesters and puppy killers. Fact.

Anyways, I digress. Long story short, as long as this jackass is reeling in the dollars at the box office he is going to make his shitty movies and perpetuate racial stereotypes. Hopefully some of the actors that take paychecks to be in his movies will at some point realize what they’re doing and say “No I’m not gonna act like a caricature of an ignorant black dude at a family picnic in your fucking shitty movie.” And hopefully some of the people that go to the theaters to see these movies, and fund his career will find some better way to spend their Friday night. Until then however, stay tuned for “Tyler Perry’s: My baby mama says DAMN for 2 hours and makes a scene…at a family picnic” coming to a theatre near you this fall.