Social Network DoucheBaggery Vol. 12

Well it's mid-December which means most of you are likely getting your end of the year break from whatever you do to occupy your time. Maybe you're HALFWAY DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL!! YAAAAAAYYY!! :). Maybe you're taking a holiday break from your uber important entry level position and accompanying RIDIC workload. Regardless, with your newfound free time you will undoubtedly have more time than ever to surf the social network scene and update the world on every mundane detail of your daily existence. So today I'm going to preemptively address all the general Facebook/G-Chat status/comment dipshitness that I will soon encounter on my newsfeed. Having already addressed the different classifications of shitbag people that I take note of on Facebook, I will now be addressing the specifically retarded social networking behavior that gives me the urge to roundhouse kick infants. Without further ado I give you your end of year list of Social Network douchebaggery that pisses me off.

1. LOL people

One of the first signs you're old is when you start to hate modern slang. Amongst the jive talk kids use these days, "LOL" is one of the ones that really grinds my gears. Let me start by saying that my friends and I are fucking hilarious. You may not realize it because you're boring or were born without a sense of humor, but everything we say is utterly hysterical and worth a hearty chuckle. That being said, we don't use the term "LOL" everytime something moderately humorous is said. Or everytime we note something amusing in our daily routine. Or everytime anything somewhat strange occurs. We're not jackoffs. This is not however, true of most of you dipshits out there on the interwebs.

Look it's ok to use "lol" every once in a while. Or once a day if you're a girl. Sometimes people say things that make us guffaw out loud and spit out our coffee. Not ALL THE FUCKING TIME though. Everytime you agree with somebody's status on Facebook you don't need to comment with an LOL!! There's now way you were laughing at an audible volume at some cunt's moderately amusing observation about your kooky criminal law professor. Now there are even people that apparently laugh out loud to themselves and post a status about it. "I guess all this time away from home has made me unable to cook anymore lol." That observation about your missteps in the kitchen was not worth a hearty laugh. Maybe if you actually had an appreciation for things that are legitimately funny you wouldn't be laughing audibly at so many curious daily occurences you stupid twat.

2. !!!!!!!!

In continuing with the theme of exaggerated reactions, at some point people decided they couldn't show their approval of something on the web without yelling it. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY!! HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!" Shut the fuck up. You have not talked to "Jenny" all fucking year other than a casual hello in the hallway once in March. You are not that excited about her birthday, and could in fact give less than two shits about how her day pans out. Of course the internet allows us to hide how we really feel about people, so why not be fake and exaggerate how much joy you feel for your common acquaintance's birthday? One that you would never remember without that handy Facebook reminder in the upper right corner of your screen. If people make a sarcastic or ironic comment about something, they also feel the need to use exclamation points to emphasize the fact that they are being facetious.

Twatbox 1: Having the best Friday evening with my two favorite people in the world :)

Whore Friend: That's not possible!! I'm not there with you!! LOL!! (Twatbox 1 "likes" this)

Jesus Christ. Have you ever heard of deadpan humor? You know...saying something funny without alerting the world you're trying to be witty? It's a lost art form, you should try it sometime.

3. (717): I did something moderately abnormal while intoxicated.

Since people long ago lost the ability to be clever and witty on their own, they had to resort to quoting other people to provide humor to their 7,743 "friends" on Facebook. Generally this was done by posting unfunny comments that their friends made during an average g-chat convo. Sometimes however, the whole day has passed and you and your shitbag friends have not discussed anything remotely funny. So what do you do to provide your hilarious post of the day to your social network. Texts From Last Night. TFLN came out and at first it was a hilarious concept. Everybody gets drunk and sends funny texts, or sends funny texts the morning after entailing what disastrous situation they'd awoken to. So these TFLN entries were a funny time wasting site at work/school. Then of course you assholes ruined it by posting a different TFLN entry as your status EVERY day. Ok we get it, this is totally you and your bro/whore trainwreck friends. LOL. Enough. TFLN also started to get less funny, with more entries describing pretty standard occurences, which of course didn't stop you asshats from posting them.

(717): So I just bought wine at 3 pm on a Tuesday in sweatpants and a Cubs jersey.

(540): You came home, made Easy Mac and fell asleep on the couch with the bowl in your lap.

CRAAAAAAZY!!! These are clearly chapters straight out of Motley Crue's life on the road book. Next you'll post that hilarious text re: the time you guys woke up...with a hangover..and couldn't find one of your shoes..LMAO!!

4. Dear Retard, Nobody fucking cares. Signed everyone.

People on facebook of course love to tell people about the horrendous obstacles they face at work, school or on public transportation each day. Simply telling people about your miserable experience (or idk..just telling your 2 BFFs that care..) is not the way Facebook fucktards roll though. Nobody wants to just post a status that reads "Today I had a tough day at work." That's not clever at all. Instead people write fucking hypothetical letters to people they have issues with, or often times to inanimate objects.

"Dear Partner, I need to get out of here by 6 to make my dinner reservation so if you could stop wasting time and finalize this brief so I can fle it and get the eff out of here that'd be great. Kthanks."

"Dear Houston weather, I don't appreciate you deciding to drop an impromptu thunderstorm on me AFTER I already came to work without my umbrella. Signed, Jason."

Dear dickhead,

If you have a problem with your boss wasting time on a project or your professor keeping you longer than usual in class, tell them in person. I'm sure they would be fucking thrilled to hear what you think. Or you could make the smart decision and keep your opinion to yourself and not share it to the world. And the weather is not gonna change to your convenience because of a letter you write unless you have God's address. So please shut your trap. Nobody cares.

Signed, The Lawn.

5. Just a rhetorical question for the masses. Talk amongst yourselves.

Another group of complete and utter cock gobblers whose existence I cure on a daily basis. Fucking rhetorical question people. These people like to attract attention to themselves on the ol' Fbook by posting some sort of idiotic rhetorical question to either start a comment thread discussion or a bunch of "likes" validating their shitbag opinion. These can either be news-related or regarding another one of the horrors they faced during their miserable day.

"Am I the only one who thinks Republicans just approved the worst tax plan ever?" (Huffington Post article attached).

"Is it me or does the subway only break down on Friday afternoons...?"

Yes it's only you. Why not send an e-mail to your closest liberal friends discussing the latest Senate goings on? Or text one of your fellow metro train riders who can relate to your experience? I'm sure they will be willing to either validate your opinion or tell you you're all alone on this one. The rest of us, give less than a fuck.

6. Emotional Soapbox

I have no problem with people bringing attention to a good cause. Post a "Race for the cure" link. Support cancer awareness. Say you're taking donations at a certain street corner Saturday. Whatever. Fine. Don't however, fucking write a rant about "a cause close to your heart." Or something that "is really disheartening." I don't need two paragraphs describing the debilitating disease you're trying to raise money to fight. You don't need to provide an essay about how many people are homeless in this country. I remember when the Ellen "It gets better" campaign came out about kids getting bullied. Yeah ok that's sad. Simply post the link and say "This is powerful." Instead people wrote a rambling rant (much like this one) about how disheartening and tragic bullying is and how everyone NEEDS to watch this clip or they're a horrible person. Shut up. Oh you watched a fucking episode of the Ellen DeGeneres show and grew a conscience. Im sure you were SOOO concerned about these tragic occurences last week. Stop trying to pull at my heart strings via Facebook, I'm perfectly content being a selfish immoral Scrooge who doesn't care about other people's misfortunes.

7. @ O'Malley's Pub and Grill

There is apparently this new feature on Facebook called "Four Square" where people can constantly update the world on where they are with a click on their blackberry. I'm not even gonna dignify this ridiculous trend with a paragraph. If you're telling the world where you are at all times, nobody in the world was interested enough to ask. Fuck off.

8. FML

Jesus Christ, these people need to have their nuts laid on a dresser and beaten with a spiked bat by Method Man. For those of you who have been living under a rock, or simply don't subscribe to kids and their stupid modern jargon, FML means "Fuck My Life." It's a quick way of saying that something that happened to you made you realize that you live a miserable existence. Of course, nobody uses the term FML in a proper context. If you're gonna say "FML" something horrific better have taken place. Like "My grandmother passed away one day before I got home to see her. FML" Or even to a lesser extent: "I was driving to my court hearing and got in a car accident. FML" If you however encounter a minor inconvenience, or have to deal with some sort of small criticism this is not FML worthy.

"I went to buy wine at the store and the clerk didn't even ID me. Guess law school has really aged me. FML"

"Staying late at work on the night of my best friend's birthday. FML."

BOO FUCKING HOO. Oh my god you don't get ID'd for booze anymore. What a fucking tragedy. Your youth has officially passed you by!!! :( Your job is making you work this evening rather than letting you go take SoCo and lime shots with your bestie? NO FUCKING WAY. What a crime against humanity!!! I thought those malnourished children in Ethiopia had fucked lives, but no you have a far more horrendous existence. Fuck YOUR life. If this is the only complaint you have about your life, you have got it pretty sweet. So please spare us the everyday FML commentary. Or take the term FML more literally and fucking kill yourself already. I'll provide the gun!! LOL. :)