I looked in the fridge and every cupboard this morning and realized that I had absolutely nothing to eat so I bit the bullet and made the dreaded once a month epic trip to the grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store. Parking is a fucking nightmare since there are six assholes trying to cram into the closest spot to the door. "Express" checkout lanes are 15 items or less so you have to stand in line behind three douchebags with ten plus items in their cart. None of the store employees know where anything's located. Anyways, my point is I only go to the grocery store when I'm out of my everything in my five essential food groups: Meat, Eggs, Milk, Cheese, and beer. These are the only items of sustinence I need in the world and I couldn't survive without any of them. So of course it appalls me that there are people in the world that CHOOSE to live without 80% of my aformentioned grocery list. I am talking of course about the demographic of condescending hippie pussies known as VEGANS.
Vegans absolutely suck donkey nuts. I understand that there are some people who lean towards a healthier diet than myself. People that perhaps don't appreciate the joy of devouring heart clogging American menu items like the one pictured above. Such people may abstain from eating red meat and stick to chicken and fish. I can understand that. Some people on the other hand stay away from meat alltogether and go through life eating salads and a cup of yogurt for every meal. Ok that is pretty weird but whatever, I guess if you want to be a boring vegetarian that's your decision. If you are a vegan however, I have no idea how you live with yourself. You mean to tell me you go through life without eating ANY animal products...EVER?! WTF is wrong with you? What the hell do you order at Waffle House if you're abstaining from eggs and milk? You can't enjoy a delicious milkshake or ice cream cone on a summer day (soy milk products suck so don't try to pull that card). How do you live without cheese? Vegatables only taste good if there is cheese melted on top of them. You can't even eat a plain slice of pizza. Who the fuck doesn't eat pizza??
Aside from the fact that I can't fathom how one could possibly live without scrambled eggs and cheese fries, vegans piss me off because their choice in diet is based on their desire to preach to people about their bogus beliefs. Some vegans will tell you they are making a healthy life choice but this is total bullshit. There is nothing healthy about abstaining from all animal products. There was a vegan that lived in our dorm sophomore year, and if you ever went in the bathroom after he unloaded his dinner, you would think somebody had lit a diaper of cow manure and toxic waste on fire in there. No way that smell indicated anything "healthy." No the only reason vegans make their dietary choice is to gain the chance to tell non-vegans what horrible, morally bankrupt people we are. As soon as you sit down to a meal with some vegan asshole, they will start to preach to you about the horrendous process that led to all those delicious animal products ending up on your plate. "Have you ever heard how cows are slaughtered? It's terrible. Oh did you know what type of conditions chickens are kept in on KFC's farms? It's absolutely disturbing and disgusting. I simply can't bring myself to support that sort of torture through my diet." Yeah well you know what..? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Who cares what conditions these animals are kept in or how they are slaughtered? They are gonna fucking die anyways! Chickens and farm-bred herbivores were put on this earth to be devoured by yours truly. So I don't care if my poultry was hung upside down and beaten with a chain to ensure it provided me the tastiest eggs and McNuggets possible. I don't care if my Filet Mignon came from a cow that was thrown off a roof and then decapitated with a chainsaw. Bessy's ass was gonna die anyways who cares how it happened? If you think I'm gonna stop eating delicious bacon because Wilbur was beat to death with a shovel, you're nuts.
My standard argument when debating with these obnoxious soy milk chugging PETA pansies is "Have you ever heard about Survival of the Fittest bitch?" We are the most powerful animals on the earth so we should be allowed to eat and kill whatever animals we want for nourishment. You know who else tortures animals before they eat them? Lions...when they fucking maul water buffalo and rip them limb from limb. I don't see you protesting and screaming your views outside the King of the Jungle's lair. This is obviously a neanderthal view that is quickly reputed by some dreaded smelly hippie telling me that this is a completely ignorant statement. "Ok that's totally different, we actually have the mental capacity to choose not to eat animals." Yeah well we also get to choose to eat delicious animal products. You know who doesn't get that choice? Some fucking starving African kid in Tanzania. You think little Ndugu Gbenga wouldn't trade his left nut to eat "Popeyes" instead of twigs and dirt, regardless of how the fowl on his plate was killed? How bout' you stop whining and appreciate the fact that you were born with the opportunity to eat egg topped chili cheese burgers?
Anyways since I graduated college and don't smoke pot, I don't really come into contact with many vegan hippie assholes these days. Which is a relief because I enjoy the occasional cheese omelette or jumbo slice of pepperoni pizza. And I don't need some uppity animal activist around to tell me why it's wrong. So get out of my country and go savor your cup of soy milk and hummus pita somewhere else. Preferrably somewhere out in the wild Serengeti where you can get mauled by a lion who has no moral dilemma when it comes to torturing his prey before he devours it.
Vegans absolutely suck donkey nuts. I understand that there are some people who lean towards a healthier diet than myself. People that perhaps don't appreciate the joy of devouring heart clogging American menu items like the one pictured above. Such people may abstain from eating red meat and stick to chicken and fish. I can understand that. Some people on the other hand stay away from meat alltogether and go through life eating salads and a cup of yogurt for every meal. Ok that is pretty weird but whatever, I guess if you want to be a boring vegetarian that's your decision. If you are a vegan however, I have no idea how you live with yourself. You mean to tell me you go through life without eating ANY animal products...EVER?! WTF is wrong with you? What the hell do you order at Waffle House if you're abstaining from eggs and milk? You can't enjoy a delicious milkshake or ice cream cone on a summer day (soy milk products suck so don't try to pull that card). How do you live without cheese? Vegatables only taste good if there is cheese melted on top of them. You can't even eat a plain slice of pizza. Who the fuck doesn't eat pizza??
Aside from the fact that I can't fathom how one could possibly live without scrambled eggs and cheese fries, vegans piss me off because their choice in diet is based on their desire to preach to people about their bogus beliefs. Some vegans will tell you they are making a healthy life choice but this is total bullshit. There is nothing healthy about abstaining from all animal products. There was a vegan that lived in our dorm sophomore year, and if you ever went in the bathroom after he unloaded his dinner, you would think somebody had lit a diaper of cow manure and toxic waste on fire in there. No way that smell indicated anything "healthy." No the only reason vegans make their dietary choice is to gain the chance to tell non-vegans what horrible, morally bankrupt people we are. As soon as you sit down to a meal with some vegan asshole, they will start to preach to you about the horrendous process that led to all those delicious animal products ending up on your plate. "Have you ever heard how cows are slaughtered? It's terrible. Oh did you know what type of conditions chickens are kept in on KFC's farms? It's absolutely disturbing and disgusting. I simply can't bring myself to support that sort of torture through my diet." Yeah well you know what..? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Who cares what conditions these animals are kept in or how they are slaughtered? They are gonna fucking die anyways! Chickens and farm-bred herbivores were put on this earth to be devoured by yours truly. So I don't care if my poultry was hung upside down and beaten with a chain to ensure it provided me the tastiest eggs and McNuggets possible. I don't care if my Filet Mignon came from a cow that was thrown off a roof and then decapitated with a chainsaw. Bessy's ass was gonna die anyways who cares how it happened? If you think I'm gonna stop eating delicious bacon because Wilbur was beat to death with a shovel, you're nuts.
My standard argument when debating with these obnoxious soy milk chugging PETA pansies is "Have you ever heard about Survival of the Fittest bitch?" We are the most powerful animals on the earth so we should be allowed to eat and kill whatever animals we want for nourishment. You know who else tortures animals before they eat them? Lions...when they fucking maul water buffalo and rip them limb from limb. I don't see you protesting and screaming your views outside the King of the Jungle's lair. This is obviously a neanderthal view that is quickly reputed by some dreaded smelly hippie telling me that this is a completely ignorant statement. "Ok that's totally different, we actually have the mental capacity to choose not to eat animals." Yeah well we also get to choose to eat delicious animal products. You know who doesn't get that choice? Some fucking starving African kid in Tanzania. You think little Ndugu Gbenga wouldn't trade his left nut to eat "Popeyes" instead of twigs and dirt, regardless of how the fowl on his plate was killed? How bout' you stop whining and appreciate the fact that you were born with the opportunity to eat egg topped chili cheese burgers?
Anyways since I graduated college and don't smoke pot, I don't really come into contact with many vegan hippie assholes these days. Which is a relief because I enjoy the occasional cheese omelette or jumbo slice of pepperoni pizza. And I don't need some uppity animal activist around to tell me why it's wrong. So get out of my country and go savor your cup of soy milk and hummus pita somewhere else. Preferrably somewhere out in the wild Serengeti where you can get mauled by a lion who has no moral dilemma when it comes to torturing his prey before he devours it.
