Hater Mailbag Volume 1

When I started this blog it was obviously something I did in the spirit of good fun. I know the idea of writing a hater blog on the internet is kinda self-serving, but hey whatever. I wasn't working or in school, and there's only so many episodes of Maury Povich and Houston Astros games you can watch to occupy your time over the summer. So out of boredom GOMLK was born. At first since only friends of mine read my blog, I obviously only got positive feedback. Which was fine, but I assume that if I made a website called "picturesof mydumps.com"my friends would compliment me on it's brilliance. The main feature on my blog was of course the weekly "Band That Sucks Balls," and in the beginning everybody agreed with the fact that Nickelback and Linken Park were horrendous. Then I started mocking shitty bands that were a little less mainstream that people actually admitted to liking. So some of my friends would say "hey like your blog but I think you were a little harsh on...(Insert shitty band here)." No problem there , I'm all about constructive criticism. If I were only friends with people who shared my refined taste in music I would have about three friends.

Then however, as my blog grew in popularity a little bit, I started getting random people commenting on my BTSB posts. At first these comments were mostly positive from people who agreed with my critiques of crap music. Then however, I gradually started getting more and more hater comments from random people who took my writing WAAY too seriously. People who not only disagreed with my criticism of modern rock, but felt the need to go out of the way to call me a loser, tell me my website was garbage etc. SWEET. Nothing a hater loves more than being thrown into battle with fellow haters. So, I decided to compile all of these hater comments and respond to all of them in my first ever Hater mailbag. Without further ado lets get to the dipshits!

"Dufflepud" re: The Decemberists

"I find it funny how you can hate on a band based upon an album cover. Please tell me this is a joke!"

I find it sad that your internet blogging alias is a "Chronicles of Narnia" character. Mewww Nerd alert!! You clearly have a beard and wear Buddy Holly glasses and read your favorite C.S. Lewis books while listening to soft indie rock and/or jazz. To answer your question, Yes Dufflepud actually this is a joke. Do you think somebody who fancies themself as a serious music critic would write an entire paragraph about how awesome this picture is...? https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjec2s6XOwzmi8U9qwjlB5QVy2urS6WC9VAjhCHvL4NlS1oW6NQm1ZRYzZTLJo7AynR3Hi_RNcomJjssaSiTMJMkc9mD3asvm1dT2B9nwRAW97NMemol5DMyB7euqxrQuhy9G_hTAc425_T/s400/journey+band.jpg

"Mikaela" re: Neon Trees

"You actually think anyone reads this crap? Neon Trees is amazing. Please get over your burning jealousy that you're not rich and famous like them. You're just a bitter, lonely old man."

This is why 15 year old girls shouldn't be given access to the internet. I mean who else but a teenybopper would laud the musical genius of a rock band that covers Justin Bieber songs? First of all sweetheart, you can't say nobody reads this crap when you in fact JUST read this "crap." Second, if you had above a 9th grade education you would know that plural band names that end in an s "ARE" amazing rather than "is."Third, I really think people no longer grasp the proper use of the term "amazing." Amazing is an adjective reserved for things that are actually epic, classic, or life-changing. Like say Led Zeppelin or seeing the sunset atop a mountain. No band that's been around for under three years can be defined as "amazing." For example If I were to refute the criticism of a modern band I like I would say "I disagree, Wolfmother is pretty cool." Not Wolfmother is "AMAZING."

"Bryan" re: Tool

"Tool is a good band."

See Mikaela? Bryan did not argue that his favorite crappy prog rock band is "amaaaazing." He just said that they were "good." Perfectly reasonable comment. With that being said Bryan gets zero points for his argument by just stating that Tool is good and giving no support for the point. Regardless, by hater standards Bryan's ok in my book.

"Codi" re: My Chemical Romance

"You basically have the worst opinions ever."

You basically have the worst parents ever. Who the fuck names their child "Codi"..? Even Cody with a Y sounds better, at least then you could be a cowboy or a stripper. I really hope that's your internet alias. Clearly you starred on the debate team in high school with powerful arguments like the one above. Don't even bother attempting to make any argument. "Tool is good" even if it has no support behind it, is still an argument. "YOU'RE MEAN!" would have been a better argument. Saying I have the worst opinions "EVER" is just a ridiculous blanket statement. I'd argue that Hitler probably had worse opinions than I do, but hey what do I know.

"Clement" re: Pink Floyd

Um...essay attached: http://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2010/11/bands-that-suck-balls-pink-floyd.html#comments

I will say that Pink Floyd is the band entry I got the most negative feedback on. I wanted to switch it up that week and make fun of an overrated classic rock band instead of a shitty modern band. They're not THAT bad by BTSB standards, but I happen to not enjoy them while I'm sober. Anyways, thanks for the dissertation on Pink Floyd, Clement. Jesus. I figured out you were an ADHD 15 year old about halfway through your fourth ranting paragraph. You need to lighten up. Clearly the fact that you're "sober since birth" has led you be a real Debbie Downer. It's time you drank a couple beers and listened to "Exile on Main Street" for a taste of a real "classic" rock album.

(Disclaimer: GOMLK does not approve of underage drinking....unless you have a really good fake id.)

"Jeremy" re: Radiohead

"I think u suck more balls than Radiohead. You obviously missed their good songs like "idioteque," "Jigsaw falling into place," and "Weird fishes." Are you bitter that there are no good metal bands left out there, other than Steel Panther..?"

Jeremy is a washed up hairy ball licker with horrendous taste in music. Apparently since he is a 13 year old girl on IM typing out "you" rather than "U" simply took too much effort. However, he is a friend of mine who can kick my ass. Also, I still owe him $20 so I shouldn't be too critical of his ridiculous opinion of Radiohead.

Well that was fun. So in conclusion, please continue to post hater comments on my amateur critiques of shitty bands. I embrace all the hatred of my crappy joke website that is probably far inferior in comparison to anything you could publish on the internets. I relish the chance to do this again sometime.

On a side note, I never paid tribute to the sad news that one of the few modern bands that is actually Rad recently broke up: The White Stripes. So in honor of the Grammys being tonight, and the onslaught of dipshits performances we will undoubtedly witness this evening, I give you a Sunday evening Grammy Performance Rad jam from the Stripes. R.I.P. Jack and Meg. Saddened to hear your Deathletter. A Seven Nation Army really couldn't ever hold back your Radness.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

When people name off their favorite bands, they generally do one of two things. They give you the generic/safe answer of The Beatles or The Rolling Stones that guarantees approval. Or, if they are wearing a scarf and retro t-shirt, they will name off some dipshit band whose name features four randomly selected words. In either case, people never truly reveal ALL of the bands they love. That's because every person has at least one "guilty pleasure" band. A band they rock out to in the privacy of their own living room/car/shower. This band rocks, but for some reason you're afraid to admit your love for them in public as it will indicate you have cheesy taste in music. This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam comes courtesy of the ultimate rockin' guilty pleasure band: JOURNEY.

I don't care what anyone says, Journey fucking rules. Science has proven that's physically impossible to refrain from pumping your fist upon hearing a Journey song come on the radio. Journey's entire catalog consists solely of Rad arena rock anthems tailor-made for epic fist pumping. Now, Journey's music is often classified as cheesy by people who simply have not grasped their radness for whatever reason. "Cheesy" I've discovered is basically code for "catchy 80's rock anthems from Rad band dressed in ridiculous attire." So apparently it's a synonym for "awesome." I mean..just look at the fucking Rad picture above. Clearly Journey is not here to impress anyone. They look like five registered sex offenders that randomly booked a gig at the Raddest 80's prom ever. There's no telling which guy's gonna spike your punch though I'd wager on the rad guitarist with the open shirt in the center. Anyways clearly when they woke up in the morning they didn't put too much thought into their look, because they were too busy focusing on the task at hand: rocking your balls off.

Goofy looking or not Journey will bring the rock upon you, and too often people ignore this fact. One of the reason's people don't take Journey's music seriously are the connotations of their biggest hit "Don't Stop Believing." Everyone totally "loves" this song that reminds them of Sigma Chi keggers sophomore year. The song is catchy, cliche', and simple to sing (or scream) along with no matter how many jello shots you've consumed. Therefore, the band's been pigeonholed as the cheesy one-hit wonder 80's band who produced an overplayed college anthem. Despite the fact that Journey is also responsible for many other epic 80's rock anthems that are way more Rad than don't stop believing. Song's like the exhibit A shown below: "Separate Ways (World's Apart)."

Seriously this song is just filled with Radness. You and your friends probably play air guitar along to rocking jams all the time. Well have you ever thought to have an entire band of people playing air instruments simultaneously? That would be a totally Rad idea. And an unoriginal one, as Journey already did it in this video with it's revolutionary 80's special effects. Whoa where'd that keyboard go?? Oh there it is! The band's most important instrument of course are the vocals of frontman Steve Perry, seen here rocking a totally rad mullet and sleeveless tee. Everytime you're not quite feeling the full effect of this song the camera cuts to a passionate close-up of Perry that draws you back in. And then they cut to a Rad profile shot of the entire band doing the barbershop quartet thing and emphasizing to that special lady that they still love her...though they've gone and went their separate ways. And if her new man ever hurts her..oh man the band will be there to bring the pain. Anyways enjoy your weekend folks and enjoy this totally Rad guilty pleasure jam. Spend the next few days breaking those chains that bind you.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

I haven't posted a Friday Afternoon Rad Jam in three weeks, and for this I apologize. In all fairness, the last two Fridays were Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. Aside from the obvious statement that these are busy days when people are preoccupied with their family and friends, Xmas Eve and NYE are two of the least Rad days of the year. On Xmas Eve you're running around picking up last minute grocery items for mom, and finishing up your present wrapping. On NYE you're double checking that you have that all-you-can-drink ticket for the overpriced event you're attending, where you'll be hanging out with a bunch of over dressed amateurs who think getting hammered on champagne is something that should occur only once a year. The music associated with these two days is also completely lame. I didn't really feel the need to post "Simply having a wonderful Christmas time" on Dec. 24 or that fucking annoying "Tonight's gonna be a gooooood night" song as a New Years Eve Rad jam. Anyways, now that all that's over I can return to consistently bringing you your weekly dose of Friday Afternoon Radness. Starting with this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam courtesy of: THE WHO.

When it comes to ranking the most legendary bands in classic rock history, there is generally an accepted holy trinity of rock royalty listed at the top of any list in some order. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin. Then everybody else is lumped together, and ranked by fans based on personal preference. The Who always seem to be kind of the forgotten top tier classic rock band that nobody lists among their personal favorites. Which blows my mind because the Who are so fucking Rad. Few rock bands can say that all of their members were completely essential to the group's sound, and The Who are one of them. Next to Robert Plant, frontman Roger Daltry has probably the best pure rock voice in history. He also personifies everything we think of when we think of a lead singer in rock and roll. Some Rad dude dressed like a 1980's WWF wrestler with long warrior locks pumping his fist and throwing his microphone around like a yo-yo to urge on the crowd's energy. Guitarist Pete Townshend was the group's mastermind who not only wrote all the band's killer riffs but also wrote most of The Who's lyrics. John Entswistle was the band's secret weapon laying down Rad basslines that made sure all of the Who's songs moved and grooved continuously. The heart and soul of The Who however, was obviously drummer Keith Moon, a Hall of Fame Rad Dude. There is no other band where you can legitimately say you notice the drumming before you notice any other element. I literally get a workout from air drumming along to Keith Moon's drum fills.

More than perhaps any other band before or since, The Who were all about the importance of the live performane. Before The Who, rock and roll was all about catchy singles, creatively produced albums, and having the right look. Then The Who came along and it was suddenly a must for fans to actually attend a rock concert and take in the live experience, in order to gain a full appreciation of a great band. The Who actually sounded better live than they did on record. You can't get a full understanding of how epic and badass The Who are, unless you listen to their live stuff. Their famous singles and concept albums just don't do the band's sound justice. I had to pick up "Live at Leeds" and "Live at the Isle of Wight" before I grasped how much pure rock power and adrenaline they brought to the table. Keith Moon and Pete Townshend would throw so much energy into their playing, sweat would literally drench their drum kit and guitar, and their perspiration would go flying up in the air off their respective instruments as they wailed away. (The fact that they you know...overindulged in their Rad consumption of booze and heroin may also have contributed to this of course). Townshend especially was a fucking madman on stage. Jumping up in the air, swinging his arms like a windmill, and playing every note as loud as possible. He also invented the patented rock and roll move of smashing his guitar to bits at the end of a show. RAD.

The Who today are unfortunately a shell of their former selves with Daltry and Townshend being the only surviving members. Once Keith Moon OD'd on Rad and passed away towards the end of The Who's prime the band was never really the same. However, even today you can still tell that when Pete and Roger get on stage they have a sense of the moment once they hear the first roar of the crowd. If nothing else, the spirit of a Who live show still lives on even if the drumming and bass work behind the two lead guys is pretty shitty nowadays. Which is to say I would still rather watch the theatrics of old man Daltry and old man Townshend swinging a mic and windmilling on a guitar at the Super Bowl halftime show, over a more "fresh" performance by some shitty modern band anyday. This week's Rad Jam is a Who b-side written by John Entswistle that the band always opened their shows with during their prime in the early 7os. "Heaven and Hell" like most classic Who songs is simple, raw and straight to the point. This song's about ending up in either heaven or hell. We all know where the Rad dudes are headed. End of story. Lets get to rocking. Enjoy your weekend folks.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam:

I'm heading out on the road this weekend so obviously I had to load up my car stereo with a Rad assortment of road trip jams to keep me occupied for a couple of days. This is quite the exhaustive process, especially if you're like me and you don't have an Ipod car dock to make a sweet highway playlist. No, I have to actually select 4-5 CDs that I know are packed with Rad jams from beginning to end that don't require hitting me the skip button while I'm cruising the interstates. When it comes to road trip jams you have to go with classic rock, and generally a selection of greatest hits CDs where you can literally sing along to every single track. In my opinion the best road trip music comes courtesy of the artist responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers over the course of the last 30 years or so, have probably been the most consistent Rad band in rock n' roll. I mean there were other bands with a more impressive prime. Or more classic albums. Few however, have sustained their careers quite like TP and the Heartbreakers. They've been putting out Rad jams for three decades now. Tom Petty may not release entire CDs of classic material on par with say an "Exile on Main St." or "Zeppelin IV," but every CD they have released has at least one or two totally classic Rad jams. So when you put together the very best of their discography onto one album, you have a whole string of Rad jams in a row. There is seriously not one bad song on the Tom Petty Greatest hits anthology. You can throw invest a couple bucks in the jukebox and play the album in its entirety, and nobody in the bar will complain. Everybody loves Tom Petty and knows all the words to each of his classic Rad jams. If you're a red blooded American and DON'T like Tom Petty, you might as well openly admit you hate BBQs, football and apple pie and support Al Qaueda.

Just like you can't NOT enjoy Tom Petty's greatest hits anthology, it is impossible to attend a Tom Petty and not have a good time. Tom Petty live shows to this day are totally fucking Rad. This is because Tom Petty live shows have a formula and they stick to it. They know the people want to hear their 12 best songs, with a couple cool covers sprinkled in, some jamming and maybe their new single. They don't try to play you a whole bunch of obscure material or try out random tracks from their new LP. The people came to see the hits and damn it that is what Tom Petty gonna give you.

I've seen Tom Petty live multiple times and I can't say that there is extensive variation in the setlists. I mean the order changes up, and there are different covers, and different new singles with each CD's tour. For the most part however, you're getting the same reliable rock show. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. You can't beat listening to an hour and a half of absolute classic American Rock anthems with 20,000 people all singing along to every word in unison. I will be attending Tom Petty concerts in the year 2027 when they're bringing him out in a wheelchair. Just because Phish has 178,292 different variations on their setlists doesn't mean I will be checking out Trey's 3 hour jam session over a Tom Petty set anytime soon.

This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Runnin' Down a Dream, is my favorite TP & the Heartbreakers jam, and arguably the best driving song ever. I mean the lyrics to this song are just everything that embodies the start of a road trip. A beautiful day, the sun beating down, you turn the radio up and hit cruise control. And you're off to run down your dreams going wherever the road trip leads you. Enjoy your weekend folks. There's something good waiting down this road, so pick up whatever's yours.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

Generally we've pretty much stuck to straight up rock anthems on the Friday Rad Jams segment, but this week we're taking in it in a different direction. Paying tribute to a collection of Rad dudes that could simultaneously make you shake your ass to dancefloor anthems while rocking your face off. These pioneers of all things funky were not only revolutionary in their own era, but also laid the foundation for some of the most classic hip-hop ever recorded. It's pretty safe to say Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg owe a huge debt of gratitude to these rad dudes for their own success. Unfortunately nowadays when we think of a modern "funk" band you think of just a grooving bassline with some dickhead whiteboy dropping some shitty rap rhymes over it. In other words, not Rad at all. Definitely not a giant fraternity of Rad dudes all jamming out on one stage together overdosing on awesomness. Not the band responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: FUNKADELIC.

Funkadelic, or Parliament Funkadelic, or P-Funk...whatever variation of the George Clinton led outfit we're discussing is completely fucking Rad. P-Funk played a genre of music that could best be described as "Psychadelic Space Funk Rock." Nowadays a band that describes their sound as a "fusion" of various genres is a group of untalented dickheads from different backgrounds that all suck balls at what they do. Like an Alt-rock country-jazz fusion indie outfit or something totally lame. Back in the day you could say that P-Funk's sound was a "fusion" of various types of music. Which is to say 20 Rad dudes got together in the studio, did a bunch of drugs and jammed out a bunch of crazy shit together until they found something that sounded awesome. Then they went out nd rocked arenas with their totally Rad live shows. In case you didn't believe P-Funks music was out of this world they did their best to change your mind every night by exiting a giant multi-colored spaceship before coming onstage (totally neccessary Rad set prop). The "Mothership" if you will. They were Rad aliens from another dimension here to preach their message of interplanetary funk to the masses.

One look at Funkadelic's crew of Rad dudes and it's not far fetched to think these guys actually were from a land far far away. I have no idea how they all decided on their Rad look, but hey I'm not complaining. The two most prominent members of the group of course are lead singer George Clinton and bassist Bootsy Collins. George Clinton is basically like if you took that crazy crackhead on your corner that screams about Jesus and his general insane views on society, threw some buckets of paint on his head, and gave him a pair of sunglasses...and then made him the frontman of a band. George Clinton is not really..good at anything..other than being Rad, but hey there's nothing wrong with that. I mean Sammy Hagar is probably a "better" singer than David Lee Roth, but I think we all know which version of Van Halen we prefer. There are no adjectives that can fully describe Bootsy Collins' look other than to say he is Rad personified. Generally he dresses head to toe in gold, silver or purple with diamonds or something shiney covering every inch of his body. Then throws on some platform shoes. Apparently at some point he decided he was a big fan of...stars. Hence the star sunglasses, star guitar, star top hat, and star rings. Whatever, when you're as Rad as Bootsy Collins you can come onstage dressed in a diaper and still be cool. (Wait...Funkadelic had another member of the band that already did that).

George Clinton and Bootsy Collins are obviously the Mick and Keith of Funkadelic, as the two most recognizable members of the group and the unquestioned engines that make this space funk train roll. Just like any other great band however, there are other unsung members of the band that are just as essential if not more important to the band's success. In the case of Funkadelic we are talking about their guitarists. Funkadelic's guitarists totally shred, which is not something you can say about many funk axe men. Eddie Hazel is their most well known guitarist, and for good reason. He was an original member and is responsible for the shred classic "Maggot Brain" which is basically the space funk version of "Eruption." Funkadelic's landmark 1978 album "One Nation Under a Groove" however, featured P-Funk replacing Hazel with a teenage prodigy named Michael Hampton who wasn't too bad on the six string himself. This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam is his showcase. Enjoy your weekend folks. If anybody tells you a funk band...can't rock...don't believe him.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

Generally my Friday Afternoon Rad Jam selections are throwback jams from back in the day. Songs from an era where Rock and Roll was actually Rad as opposed to totally lame. There are however, still occasionally bands that emerge in modern times that actually rock your balls off. Bands that are not content with the current stagnant state of the music world, where our airwaves are overrun with dipshits bands that label themselves "rock." Unfortunately, if a band is actually awesome they aren't generally going to be found on your major city's rock station. You won't find them selling out a nationwide arena rock tour. Instead they are relegated to playing bars and clubs, paying their dues until the day tarrives when rock music once again decides to return to its roots of being Rad. You see unlike the good ol' days, now if your band kicks ass they are probably simply too Rad for the mainstream to handle. Well this week I am going to give some exposure to a definitively Rad band that needs to make it to the big time. This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: COLOSSUS: KILL MORE BETTER.

Colossus is ridiculously Rad. First of all note their name. "COLOSSUS" One signature epic word. What a concept. Clearly this band was too focused on melting your face with their overload of shreddage to come up with some clever hipster name for their band like The Rainbow Eel Suitcases or some similar bullshit. No just keep it simple, just like their awesomely badass music. You know how if you look up the info on a modern band their is some elaborate description of their sound that is just a roundabout way of saying they suck balls? "We're an electro-drums alternative trio that combines hip-hop, jazz and acoustic funk into a fusion sound." Oh cool so you suck, good talk. Colossus on the other describes their band thusly:

"The Six mini-Colossoi are slaves to the power of the lord Poseidon, and must do his bidding. He commands us to rock unsuspecting youth in your bars and houses, drinking your beer and crushig your skulls with thundering beats, baroque polyphony, galloping basses, and soaring vocals. -- All of which testify to the awesome power of mighty Poseidon."

In other words: Totally Fucking Rad. A couple buddies and I discovered Colossus when we were down in North Carolina over the summer. The previous evening we had gotten a little too Rad at my friend's family beachhouse and nearly burned it to the ground, so we decided it was safer to go out in public and check out the beach town's bar scene. We logically decided that a bar named "The Whiskey" was the best option for cheap booze and general avoidance of frat douchebags. Upon walking into The Whiskey our eardrums were immediately shattered by the epic metal of the mighty Colossus. Who were these guys?? They had three LEAD guitarists shredding onstage. Power drums and thundering basslines. A singer that wails. Where did they get off being so fucking Rad? We were hooked on their sound instantly and have been super fans ever since. Whenever Colossus is in the area for a show we check them out and are never disappointed. Colossus is so cool, that even when you see them play after a number of months they recognize their Rad fans. "Oh yeah you're AC/DC guy and Van Halen shirt dude." (Rad dudes instantly recognize and acknowledge other Rad dudes at all times.)

Colossus' debut album "Colossus...And The Rift of The Pan-Dimensional Undergods" totally rocked. I would recommend checking out "Willow" and "Limit Break" as personal favorites on their first CD. This year they released their second EP "Drunk on Blood" which was even more Rad and even got them a well-deserved spot on Itunes. For this week's Rad Jam I have selected their smash hit Rad Jam: Kill More Better. I obviously have a personal appreciation for this track's subject matter since it is all about signing up for an army that combats ghouls during the zombie apocalypse. I often bitch about modern rock bands that have totally lame lyrical content that doesn't focus on Booze, Drugs, and hot chicks. Well you can avoid these subjects in your music if you're singing about totally epic topics like mythical creatures, medieval warfare, and the slaughtering of zombies. Aka stuff that is totally Rad. I assume Colossus is somewhere devouring giant turkey drumsticks with their bare hands, crushing beers, and planning the recording of their next Rad masterpiece as we speak. So do them a favor and spend the rest of your Thanksgiving weekend blasting this jam as loud as possible. Poseidon wouldn't want it any other way.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

Recording a truly classic Rad album is no easy task. I mean a lot of bands can come out with a couple of classic jams. Release a Rad single once every couple of years. Gain a following due to their badass live show. How many bands however, have recorded a truly timeless Rad album? You know one of those CDs you could throw in, and not have to skip a single track.Literally EVERY single song, from track 1 through track 13 is totally Rad. I mean what kinda band could possibly sustain 24/7 Radness throughout the entire recording process of an album? That doesn't seem feesible. That is of course, unless you are the band responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: GUNS N' ROSES.

There have been lots of classic albums recorded in rock history. Lots of albums that you could pretty much listen to in their entirety. Consult any "greatest ever" list from Rolling Stone or Vh1 and debate which one's your favorite. GNR's "Appetite For Destruction" however is by far and without question the Raddest CD of all time. There is zero debate. If there were a list compiled of the Raddest albums in music history Appetite would be ranked 1-5. The "worst" tracks on Appetite (Anything Goes and You're Crazy come to mind..) would easily be the best songs on a modern rock album/radio station today. This band and the recording of Appetite were an un unprecedented overload of Rad. Take every element possible you can think of that exemplifies true badass Rock and Roll music, multiply it by ten and throw it in a blender, and you might come close to summarizing the creation of Appetite.

If you were to think of Appetite and songs I might pick for a Friday afternoon Rad jam, the albums major hits would probably be the first come to mind. Welcome to the Jungle, Paradise City, Sweet Child O' Mine..you know your usual GNR jukebox classics. I have chosen instead to select the final track on Appetite, "Rocket Queen" as this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam. It is my personal favorite GNR song of all time, the best song on Appetite, and perhaps the song that truly showcases everything GNR represents. I don't know if there is another song that perfectly toes the line between being a totally dirty rock jam and a power ballad. I mean how do you really strike a perfect balance between writing a a rocking, raunchy Rad jam and recording a love song? Generally you gotta do one or the other. Rocket Queen somehow pulls this off by basically combining two separate songs into one classic Rad jam.

The first part of Rocket Queen is a dirty, angry letter to this girl that Axl and the rest of the band were infatuated with when they were coming up in the LA rock scene. A so called "queen of the underground scene," aka some totally hard partying rad groupie/aspiring singer. Part 1 of one kinda lets this girl know what's up and emphasizes that Axl and the boys aren't naive and generally won't take any shit from some stupid bimbo under any circumstances. Halfway through the song you hear what appear to be some sexual moaning from some woman. Yeah Axl decided that to drive his point home, he needed to record himself banging some chick on record and throw it into the mix. By "some chick" I mean...drummer Steven Adler's girlfriend. Yeah when you discuss the recording of Appetite you get ridiculous fact nuggets like this that are too crazy to make up. Suffice to say Adler wasn't particularly happy about this, but hey bands like GNR don't let disputes over women get in the way of their number 1 priority: Making Rad music.

Axl claimed he wanted to end this balls to the wall dirty rock record on a positive note, so that's where part 2 of Rocket Queen comes in. The band suddenly turns down their tendency to rock your fucking ass off..just a notch..and erupts into a totally Rad breakdown. Here Axl takes some time out to be like.."Look even though I just bitched you out, and we hate each other, and I like threw a lamp at you that one time...I still love you...so just know that if you ever need anything I'll be there." If that's not a rock and roll love affair summarized in a nutshell, I don't know what is. And then of course the entire band takes you out on a group jam session and Axl closes this Rad jam by wailing out his final caring sentiments. Boom. Perhaps the best (and only) "Rad Power Rock Jam/Anthem/Love Ballad" ever. Enjoy your weekend folks. Make sure people realize that while you might be a little young honey, you ain't naive.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

Generally when you are a Rad band, at some point you reach an expiration date. I mean being Rad is just hard to pull of once you reach a certain age. I mean lets face it, even the Rolling Stones are getting to become a caricature ofthemselves at this point and they are amongst the raddest dudes in history. There is however, one band that I am convinced will never stop being rad. Seriously these guys will still have an aura of rad surrounding their band when they are 95. Wherever they pull up to in their awesome customized Hot Rod truck, they are instantly the raddest dudes at the party. I am talking of course about the band responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: ZZ Top.

ZZ Top is a timeless Rad band. Like a fine wine they just get better with age. Seriously you were never..at any point as rad as these dudes are at 60+. When you look at ZZ Top you see a band that absolutely doesn't give a fuck. They may be the most uniquely rad band, as they don't follow anybody's example. They have long extended homeless man bands. They have furry guitars..that spin. They have truck exhaust microphone stands. They dress in boots and trench coats and always wear sunglasses no matter how dark the venue. ZZ Top along with Jack Nicholson dispel the myth that the only people who wear sunglasses indoors/at night are blind people and assholes. Make that blind people, assholes...and Rad dudes.

I wanted to go with a Rad 80s music video for ZZ Top's entry, but it was too hard to pick one since all of ZZ Top's videos are basically the same. ZZ Top shows up in their Rad ZZ Top Hot Rod pickup truck with a cavalry of hot chicks. They give the Hot Rod keys to some poor young schmuck. He has the time of his life with adorementioned cavalry of hot chicks. End of story. So I decided to go with a concert clip of ZZ Top to give you the full package of their Rad stage set. ZZ Top is from Texas (Raddest state in the union) so here is their live performance of "Legs" live from the Lone Star State. Pewww! Enjoy your weekend folks. Hopefully you are lucky enough to get scooped up by ZZ Top's babe filled Hot Rod truck on this Friday night.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

One of the things that made music Rad back in the day was the subject matter of the rock anthems you heard on your radio. You see back when music was awesome, songs got straight to the point with their titles and lyrics. You heard a song and actually knew what the song was about, and the topic was generally something totally Rad. You didn't have songs about everything being yellow or some bullshit about rising up towards the sunset or something. Generally, song topics were geared towards whatever subject would be most condusive to an accompanying Rad music video featuring a hot chick shaking her ass around like a stripper. Perhaps no song exemplifies these concepts as well as this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Van Halen: HOT FOR TEACHER.

Van Halen is so rad. When I was young Van Halen was fronted by Sammy Hagar so it wasn't until later that I discovered the brilliance of the David Lee Roth fronted version of the group from the 80s (Rad decade). Seriously it would be impossible to fit more Rad into one pair of spandex zebra pants than DLR did. DLR's finest moment as a song writer may have come during the recording of their landmark album "1984." He sat down and said "Hey, you know what's a subject that's never before been touched upon in rock and roll...every kid's in-class fantasy about their hot teacher." So he penned this masterpiece and came up with the creative title "Hot for Teacher." Everybody had at least ONE hot teacher at some point in their youth. Mine was our off and on substitute teacher in 8th grade "Miss Rachel." Great rack. Anyways, what song could possibly have more clever school related sexual innuendo lyrics than a song about your hot teacher fantasy? What song could have more insane possibilities for an awesome music video? NONE.

Everything about this song is fucking Rad. School blows. Everything about that 830-330 shift is a total drag. Everything except that one period you have with your hot teacher. DLR knew this. Kids don't wanna hear some fucking song that makes them MORE depressed about their daily existence. Something relating to their "angst." They wanna hear something that highlights a positive about their shitbag public education experience. Van Halen didn't just stop at writing an awesome song, they obviously had to pair it up with an equally amazing (and perplexing) music video. The video follows VH during their youth as the raddest kids in their local elementary obviously as they fantasize about their hot teacher dancing around on a runway in a bikini. That makes sense. Everything else about the video...not so much.

For instance why is the hot teacher writing math problems on the chalkboard...and then in the next frame wearing a "Phys Ed" teacher sashe? Everyone knows the Phys Ed teacher is a fat lesbian, so that's totally unrealistic. Also how exactly did DLR convince the band that a choreographed dance routine in orange Dumb and Dumber style tuxedos was a good idea? Fortunately all rad jams call for an epic guitar solo at some point so Eddie Van Halen is spared ruining the video's choreography for a minute to step out and shred. Also doesn't make sense how DLR plays multiple characters. Wait he is the kid that grew up to be a game show host...? I thought he was the bus driver. WTF? Clearly back in the day bands were far too preoccupied with being Rad to worry about things like making an artsy video that flowed in perfect logical fashion. You think Van Halen would ever think to make a video where the four guys danced on treadmills in unison? FUCK and NO. They just threw a bunch of Rad concepts on a wall and went with what stuck. And then threw a hot blonde into the mix for good measure. Then they returned to their tour bus and continued their daily routine of winning at life. So for those of you out on this Friday afternoon enjoy your weekend. Those you of still stuck at your mundane entry-level job or worse yet a classroom getting your learn on...enjoy this Rad jam...and make sure you've got your peeeeeencilllllllls....

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

It's Halloween weekend which means it's the one time all year you get to dress up as someone other than your boring self. You don't get to just throw on a polo shirt and some khakis and head out for a night on the town. No, you have got to put some effort into this evening's wardrobe. You've gotta dress up us something clever or hysterical. You gotta rock a costume that immediately sparks a convo when you step into a room and/or ensures you get laid. Cover every item that perfectly compliments your ensemble, paint your face, whatever it takes. Well what if you had to go through this routine 365 days a year? That would certainly be a pain in the ass. You would have to be the band responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam(s): KISS.

It's really a miracle that defies science that Kiss is still alive and well today. I mean you would just naturally assume that these guys would have overdosed on Rad by now. Today when you go to a concert, you pay $50 for some dickhead band to come on stage dressed in jeans and t-shirts, sleepwalk through their 10 most popular songs, and then you head home. This is NOT how Kiss rolls. Kiss does not fuck around when it comes to putting on a Show. The members of Kiss all paint their faces with awesome makeup. They throw on all black spandex outfits. They rock totally rad boots and wear spikes and studs. There are fucking FLAMES and fireworks bursting up all over the stage, and they fly over the audience spewing blood everywhere. Oh and btw they play some pretty badass rock and roll too. For Kiss it is Halloween year round, and dressing up Rad is essentially their full time job. Enjoy your weekend ghouls and goblins, you are the kings of the nightime world.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

You might think to yourself..if you're a member of a totally Rad band, life is always easy. You go out on the road and rock audiences nationwide. You do copious amounts of drugs, drink free booze, and bang groupies. You might say, "hey those guys never have a reason to feel down about life the way normal people do." Well that is total bullshit. Even if you're overdosing on awesome on a daily basis you still occasionally feel an emotion. Even people that win at life 99% of the time experience pain and heartbreak. Totally kickass rock n' roll bands however, don't deal with their breakup with that one special stripper they met on the road the way some modern band would. Which is to say they don't write some pussy emo acoustic ballad about their feelings and cry in their basement. No. A badass Rock N' Roll star drinks a bottle of Jack, picks himself up and writes an epic power ballad about how he's gonna survive without that ungrateul bitch. Something like this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Whitesnake's HERE I GO AGAIN.

This song is beyond Rad. The song starts off slow with an extended keyboard section for about a minute. (key element of an emotionall rad jam). Whitesnake wants you to feel the emotion of their suffering. Then however, BAM the band breaks into full rockout mode. At this point you have no choice but to do an air drum fill. You can tell these guys have quickly gotten themselves off the mat and are ready to take on the world again. First of all not only did lead singer David Coverdale get over the breakup that inspired this song, but he moved on...to banging Tawny Kitaen. Tawny Kitean was THE video vixen back in the 80's. She is The hot piece of ass in this video seen writhing all over cars in this video. What better way to get back at your ex than to write a totally Rad breakup power ballad and then make a video for it showcasing your new hottie lady friend?

You see back in the day you didn't have to make an artsy music video to get noticed on MTV. You didn't have to run on treadmills in unison or have puppies jumping over sets of cones to make a cool video. You just had performance shots + hot chicks = Rad video. Also notice that at no point in this song does Coverdale smile. Even if a sexy redhead is grinding all up on him in the car he is still gonna emphasize the pain and emotion he feels driving down the only road he's ever known. So despite any heartbreak you may be feeling currently, get out there and enjoy your weekend, because like drifters we were all born to walk alone.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

You might not think it, but sometimes there are certain pitfalls that come with being a totally rad band. Due to your loyal commitment to being totally badass at life 24/7 there is a high probability that somebody in your band might one day...die. One of your amazing party weekend benders might actually end with dire consequences. Worst case scenario...the band member that passes away from overdosing on awesomeness ends up being your lead singer. What do you do now?? Well if you are a total pussy band you say "waaaah. Our lead singer died. We can't go on. :(" If you are a totally RAD band however, you say "fuck this, we're gonna suck it up and come out of this. We will not only move on from this, but we will come out bigger and better than ever." In other words you are the band featured in this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: AC/DC - Have a Drink on Me.

In 1979 AC/DC had just emerged as one of the biggest hard rock bands in the world with their amazing album "Highway to Hell." They were led by epic singer Bon Scott who absolutely screamed every note like it was his last. Well one evening Bon partied a little "too hard" (I know..oxymoron) and ended up kicking the bucket. According to wikipedia his official cause of death was "death by misadventure." This is obviously a fancy technical term for "death from excessive ingestion of Radness." Anyways AC/DC could have taken the easy way out and hung it up right then. Instead they picked themselves up off the floor, hired a new totally badass lead singer and recorded another album. An album that ended up being their highest selling album ever and one of the greatest rock albums ever recorded. An album called "Back in Black."

"Back in Black" and AC/DC in general totally kicks ass. Have you ever tried to have a nice quiet evening listening to AC/DC? Yeah no, cus it's fucking impossible. Seriously the other weekend a couple friends and I were sitting around chilling out watching football. Then I threw AC/DC on the stereo. Next thing I knew we had crushed a liter of bourbon and were hurling objects off my balcony while screaming at the top of our lungs. We literally had no control over these events. AC/DC just has this effect on people. It's science. One of my favorite tracks on Back in Black is obviously "Have a Drink on Me," a totally Rad jam about...getting wasted. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to go out and have a drink on me this weekend. Don't worry about the check we;ll get hell to pay.

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

I spend a lot of my time on this site ranting about bands that suck balls and how shitty modern music is. So you might think to yourself..what exactly does this asshole consider to be "good music?" Well I have an answer for you. Music that kicks ass. Music with balls. Music that is totally RAD. Starting today I will be providing you with a weekly Rad Friday Afternoon Jam. This week's Rad Jam: Led Zeppelin: COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN.

Led Zeppelin is totally Rad. Seriously look at these rock gods. Look at Robert Plant. He goes on stage looking confused and then BAM! the music starts and he runs up and absolutely GRIPS the microphone. He takes control of the audience. THAT is a fucking frontman. Look at Jimmy Page. If you thought nobody could ever rock in a plaid sweater vest, think again. Communication Breakdown is basically the song that invented heavy metal. This is the first time a collection of guys said to themselves "hey lets get a long haired banshee to absolutely wail over the sound of power drumming, a thumping bassline and an absolutely dirty speedy guitar riff." THAT will be our "sound." None of this droning three chord garage rock bullshit with some pussy in a fedora singing about his feelings. Here's to you Led Zeppelin. I'm sure you will be a repeat entry on this feature. Have a RAD weekend folks.