Thursday, July 29, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: SANTANA

When you're a badass band...and you get old...sometimes you gotta sell out a little bit to remain relevant. If you're the Rolling Stones you put your lips logo on merchandise ranging from coffe mugs to bedroom slippers. If you're The Who you sell all your songs to CBS crime dramas. If you're Eric Clapton you write an acoustic ballad about your dead kid. Whatever. Do what you gotta do to put cash away for your retirement or keep your name out there. I mean IDK if Aerosmith REALLY needed to give Celine Dion a run for her money in the epic movie theme ballad department, but hey we pretty much assumed they were dead after "Get a Grip." Nobody however, has sold out to a ridiculous extent comparable to This Weeks Band That Sucks Balls: SANTANA.

Santana was once, many decades ago, a cool band. For all the "Black Magic Woman"/Woodstock hype, I think "Santana III" was their rock peak. Today however, "Santana" is just Carlos Santana and whatever random backing outfit he comes up with. Carlos Santana is a total pussy sellout bitch. Around the time the millenium hit, some asshole in the music industry (Clive Davis.. cough..) thought it would be a brilliant idea for Santana to make an album with all of modern music's brightest stars (Translation: billboard pop bullshit). Santana wouldn't actually do...ANYTHING on this album. Other people would write the songs. Other people would sing the songs. He would just play his generic guitar riffs in the background and eventually play a quick solo...but we'll still use the band name "Santana" to sell it. Boy did that shit sell. Santana's album "Supernatural" blew up on the charts. His hit single with Rob Thomas (Of nancy boy Matchbox 20 fame) was on the radio 24/7. Santana won 78 Grammys. Gold medal victory in the sellout olympics.

Well as is the case with all shitty music industry formulas, once it works once you might as well try it again...and again...and AGAIN. Till people are fucking sick of buying it up. So Santana continued to make shitty collabos one after the other. "Yeah uh I mean a song with Rob Thomas is pretty lame but what if we pair up Carlos with Michelle Branch this time?? Or NICKELBACK? That song would be so lame that it would completely dominate the Billboard 200 since America is a country of sheep consumers that EAT UP cookie cutter bullshit." Well after eventually running out of shitty pop singers to collaborate with, Santana took a break and then came up with THIS as the brilliant concept for his next album:

(Throws computer out the window)
(Sets desk on fire)
(punches baby)

OMG. FUCK YOU CARLOS. You can make all the shitty duet albums you want but you do NOT get to butcher classic rock anthems. Are you fucking kidding me with this album? First of all look at the title of the article: "Santana RECRUITS Nas and Daughtry." Do you really need to RECRUIT "Daughtry" for anything. Shouldn't that douchebag just be happy that people still urge him to release music? He wasn't "recruited," Clive Davis and Santana just threw darts at the Billboard 200 and hit on him for the choice to cover Def Leppard. There are a billion versions of "Little Wing." Did we really need ANOTHER cover...with Joe Cocker? "While my Guitar Gently Weeps" was originally recorded as a collaboration between The Beatles and Eric Clapton. So now it is obviously gonna be modernizeded as a collaboration between Santana, India Arie, and Yo Yo Ma. India Arie sucks. I just remember her singing a bunch of songs about being black and beautiful. Well you are not beautiful you are a fucking ugly twat. Take your African headdress off you are not from Tanzania. Yo Yo Ma plays the fucking cello and looks like last years Scripps Spelling bee champion. He doesn't belong on a rock album. George Harrison was pretty much a pansy and he would stab Carlos to death if he were alive to witness this.

This album also of course features Santana doing another collaboration with his boyfriend Rob Thomas (pictured above lost in each others eyes). Jesus Christ. How many more times do I need to hear fucking Rob Thomas on the radio? His music is shit. He sounds like the bastard lovechild of John Mayer and Nickelback. Why is he just Rob Thomas now instead of Matchbox Twenty? Did the other members of the band have a meeting and break up the crew due to creative differences? "Look guys our music is fucking pussy pop rock garbage, but the direction Rob wants to take us is simply too pussy for us to handle. We would have to literally sever our balls off to continue as a band."

Anyways I digress from the original target. The other thing that pisses me off is that Carlos talks about how he is attempting to make legitimate music. And people buy it because he talks in his smooth spiritual hippy voice and makes deep statements like this:

"Well you know I just want to connect all the beautiful peoples and peaceful formations of the rainbow as one with the sound of my music."

Fuck you. You don't have a message. You cover AC/DC with Nas for one reason and one reason only. $$$. Nobody collaborates with Rob Thomas to bring peace to the world. If anything hearing you and Rob Thomas on my radio makes me want to commit random acts of violence. So stop telling me this bullshit. You have enough money to retire now, or at least enough to just tour doing greatest hits gigs with a random band you label "Santana." So just stop releasing music, because when I hear Taylor Swift singing over that same guitar riff I am gonna be prone to drive my car off the road and hit innocent bystanders.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bands that don't suck: Taddy Porter

I spend a lot of my time on this blog bitching about the shitty bands that make up 98% of the current music industry. Every once in a while though, I stumble upon a band that actually brings a glimmer of hope to the world of Rock and Roll. A band that actually seems like they are out to kick the world's ass and take names without giving a fuck how they achieve this goal. You know...a band in the model of the Led Zeppelins, Aerosmiths, Guns N Roses and Van Halens of the world. Bands like Zep, GNR and VH didn't fall into classifications like "alternative," "electronic," or even standard genres like "blues." No, they just played what could only be classified as "Kickass motherfucking Jukebox Rock N' Roll." Shit that just provided a soundtrack to a good time. I hope this next band can stick to its formula and someday join the aforementioned pantheon of kickass rock bands. I give you this weeks Band that DOESN'T suck balls: Taddy Porter.

Taddy Porter fucking rocks. Their music follows the simple formula that leads to badass rock and roll. Les Paul axes? CHECK. Marshall Amps stacked to the sky? CHECK. Singer that can wail? CHECK. Lyrics regarding chicks, partying, and general awesomeness. CHECK. Done. Badass rock and roll band formula complete. Taddy Porter also had the novel idea that maybe they should include guitar solos in all their songs unlike most modern bands. Guitar solos are awesome, and yet nobody plays them anymore. I'm not even here to talk about skill, guitar solos are just awesome because they are the musical equivalent of a pissing contest. Even if you're a shitty guitarist at least you're making the effort to throw your balls on the table if you play a guitar solo and kick your leg out and eye fuck the crowd with your facial expressions.

The other thing about Taddy Porter is their look. Namely the fact that they don't have one. They are a couple of ugly, grungy looking guys from Stillwater, Oklahoma. There is nothing pretty about them. And that's what makes them awesome, they play kick-ass music that speaks for itself and don't need an image. Other bands myspace pages will tell you that their band plays "an eclectic sound that fuses elements of alternative rock, folk, and electronica into a unique fusion sound." This is code for saying they are not good at playing any particular genre of music, and decided to list their sound as "fusion" because "fucking terrible" is not a genre. Taddy Porter's Bio says "This is Taddy Porter, bred out of Stillwater, holding you at gunpoint and commanding you to shake your ass." AWESOME. Straight to the point. What more do you need to know? Chug a beer, turn the volume up to 11 on our record and fucking get out there and shake your ass. End of story.

Of course since Taddy Porter actually plays kick-ass music, this obviously means that they are currently not mainstream. I mean what sense would that make? Who wants to purchase an album of kick-ass party tunes when we can hear some whiney douchebag in a fedora and scarf sing about his feelings over a piano? If they want to make it to the big time they will inevitably be forced at some point to consider changing their look and sound to be more "marketable." You see a couple of years ago a badasss Southern rock band came out that gave me hope for music. They were a crew of ugly, grungy Tennesee boys. They played loud dirty Rock and Roll. They partied hard. These guys kicked ass. Then of course they released albums that didn't sell for shit. So record execs made them get makeovers. Now they all have cute short hipster haircuts and wear skinny jeans with boots and cute vest/scarf ensembles. And they decided to write power ballads about how they could UUUUUSSSSSE SOOOOMEBOOOOODY like you. BOOM. Platinum Success. Biggest band in the world. Congrats Kings of Leon.

I hope Taddy Porter can make it to the big time on the merit of their kick-ass music. If they can't I hope they stick to their guns and stay true to their rock and roll formula despite the urgings of their agents/execs/potential fans. I mean everyone wants to make it to the true "big-time" where they can sell out shows, bang prettier chicks, do better drugs, and make more money. It would still however, be nice to dream that a kick ass band with potential would show some integrity. We'll see. Just keep this in mind guys. Even if you do see the dollar signs, get makeovers, change your sound, and make it big...inevitably...pigeons will end up shitting on your head.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The De-Draperization of my Gender

AMC's "Mad Men" premieres tonight and I am fucking psyched. Mad Men kicks ass. If for some random reason you don't know about the premise of the show here it is. It's the 1960s. Don Draper and his cronies are Madison Avenue ad agency guys. They make lots of money. They drink and smoke at the office all day long. They screw their secretaries/clients/assistants while wifey takes care of the kids and makes dinner. What an awesome time that must have been. All this is done while looking sharp in various dapper suits and skinny ties.

Note that last part. You see back in the day, men HAD to get dressed up for things. They HAD to look sharp at all times. You had to maintain your appearance at all times or you were a nancy boy. This is no longer the case of course. Look at Exhibit A pictured here. You might be saying to yourself "who is that..? Your little brother in 7th grade?" NO. THIS guy ladies and gentleman, is an adult...and is in fucking law school. Yeah. The future of the legal profession looks like the posterchild for Warped Tour 2K10. What the shit has happened to my gender?

First of all, college is the cut-off point for wearing ridiculous shit. Once you've completed undergrad you are officially an adult and need to start looking like one. No more ridiculous haircuts. No more homeless person facial hair. No more oversized sunglasses. Yeah I once had a wannabe Art Garfunkel Jew fro and metal goatee. Then I fucking grew up. I'm not saying we should all go around dressed "Mad Men" characters 24/7, but there are three ways you are allowed to dress past the age of 22. Formal. Business Casual. Casual. The first two are self-explanatory if you've know...had a job. The last one is your weekend look. T-shirt + jeans ensemble. Fine. NEVER however, is Option D above acceptable if you want to be considered a legitimate member of my gender.

What pisses me off even more about the way guys dress these days, is that they seem to wear their ridiculous shit at the MOST inappropriate times. It's a family gathering, and you all haven't seen each other in a long time. Make SOME effort to look presentable so Grandpa doesn't completely lose faith in his legacy. I don't care if it is Christmas or a BBQ. Don't wear your fucking hipster Sanford and Son "You Big Dummy" t-shirt and trucker hat. Nobody is impressed by your clever pop culture reference dickhead. Throw on a polo and khakis at least. If you're at a grad school event look presentable to your future peers in your industry of choice. Courtrooms are another place where people's attire BLOWS MY MIND. You are here because you did something stupid. You're trying to convince the judge that you slipped up one time, and aren't committing to a lifetime of idiocy. SO FUCKING LOOK PRESENTABLE. A Judge is never gonna think to himself "Boy that chain and Red Air Force Ones really compliment those Sean John jeans hanging off that kid's ass. Maybe I should be a little lenient with his probation conditions." Also "I can't afford a suit" is not an excuse. I've worked in retail. I know those jeans cost $60. You can fucking afford a suit.

In recent times with shows like Mad Men and magazines like GQ and Esquire making a comeback in relevance, I have gained some confidence that my gender may still rise from the ashes. Looking dapper is occasionally being considered "cool" again. We may still see a time where dudes aspire to look like "The Rat Pack" rather than members of Fall Out Boy's entourage. I certainly hope so, because the next douchebag I see in a PBR-shirt and skinny jeans is getting a PBR bottle smashed on his head.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Obvious Subject of a Hollywood bio-pic (To me only)

Yesterday in scanning the internets, I came across the news that there is a new Janis Joplin bio-pic in the works with Amy Adams being cast in the lead role. First of all, who was in charge of THAT casting? Amy Adams?? The cute girl next door from The Office, and the princess movie...? I don't really picture her being too believable as a Southern Comfort chugging, acid queen train wreck. Not to mention Janis Joplin was ugly as hell. Somebody decidedly more hideous looking probably would have worked better, such as say Sarah Jessica Parker (if she had acting talent).

Anyways, this is far from the first time a legendary dead musician's story has been taken to the big screen. Oliver Stone's "The Doors" was the first really famous one I remember. In recent times they've been all the rage ever since Jamie Foxx of "In Living Color" and "Booty Call" fame managed to win an Oscar after magically gettting thrown into the role of Ray Charles. Oscar darling "Walk the Line" followed bringing the story of Johnny Cash to theaters. Soon everybody was making bio-pics. There was "Notorious" about dead rapper Notorious B.I.G. There was "The Runaways" about....Joan Jett's all female punk group (who fucking green-lighted that one..?). Now there is talk that Kurt Cobain, Jerry Garcia, and the aforementioned Janis Joplin will all be getting their life stories put on the big screen. This all leaves me wondering WHERE THE FUCK IS THE JIMI HENDRIX BIO-PIC?!?

Seriously am I missing something here? Jimi Hendrix may have been the coolest rock star EVER. The guy defined "cool." Not to mention the fact that he was you know...the most influential guitarist ever and a musical genius. Hendrix definitely had a far greater impact on music during his brief stay on this earth, than ANY of the people getting bio-pic treatment that I just mentioned. His versatile catalog would make up an AWESOME movie soundtrack. Lets face it though, none of those aforementioned artists got movies made about their lives based on the merit of their music. Or their lasting influence. All these people's stories made it to the big screen because their LIVES were interesting. Namely they went through crazy circumstances to make it to the top and lived life to the fullest once they got there (Namely being drug addled trainwrecks that stumbled though life).

Well HELLO. Jimi Hendrix's story was MADE for the big screen. Jimi didn't mail in a demo or get discovered by a record exec at a club. No. How did he make it? The guy randomly decided to move to London in the late 60's without a cent to his name, just so he could meet and jam with the world's most renowned guitarist (Cream's Eric Clapton) in front of England's rock royalty and blow him out of the water onstage with his own mind-blowing skills. And then just like that he was an overnight superstar and changing the world of rock and roll forever. That is INSANE. That'd be like if some random kid from Europe nobody had ever heard of came to America, requested to play one on one against Lebron James and then destroyed him with an array of 360 between the legs dunks the likes of which nobody had ever seen. Pretty fucking cool story.

And I think Jimi had the whole rock and roll trainwreck requirement down. The guy was constantly on an excess of at least 4 substances, and partied so hard that his brilliant musical career lasted a whopping total of three years. Yeah I mean Ray Charles and Johnny Cash loved to get fucked up, but hey they lived to have grandkids. They didn't go balls to the wall and burn out at 27. Also Jimi Hendrix's persona was also tailor-made for Hollywood interpretation. The guy wore the most ridiculous rock outfits I have ever seen. "Uh yeah I think I will go with the purple pants, orange blouse, and green bandana for tonight's gig." Ok Jimi. He had an awesome laid back, smooth jive talking way about him that made ladies swoon for a guy whose appearance could only be described as "psychadelic hobo."

Long story short, this movie needs to be made. And not into some shitty made for tv picture (see above). No, I want a legitimate Hollywood director, and Hollywood cast to make a REAL bio-pic about this musical icon. He deserves it. I'm pretty sure've run out of other shitty dead rock "legends" to make movies about. Nobody wants to see a film about the lead singer of INXS folks. So give Jimi his due.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Bands that Suck Balls: John Mayer

There are obviously a lot of shitty musicians out there. That however, doesn't mean that I openly despise all of them, because a lot of them stay off my radar. If you're a shitty musician and somewhere deep down you at least realize that you're a shitty musician that doesn't really bother me. You are just in the business to make money and get chicks. Fine. However, when you are a shitty musician and purport to be a badass, then THAT pisses me off. This week's Band (err person) that Sucks Balls: John Mayer.

John Mayer is a fucking douchebag. God I hate this asshole. John Mayer first came on my radar in college. His first "hit" that I remember was "Your Body is a Wonderland." This was the song that all sensitive losers used to get laid, and is the most awful slow jam ever written. Seriously if Marissa Miller told me she'd bang me on the condition that we listen to "Your Body is a Wonderland,"I'd at least debate the proposition for 2 minutes. There were these two "aspiring musician" clowns in our dorm that loved John Mayer, and would sit in the courtyard with their acoustic guitars and play John Mayer jams and comparable sensitive VH1 rock. It took everything in my power not to ever go "Animal House" guitar smash scene on them.

Anyways after that I didn't really encounter John Mayer too much, and didn't give much thought to his shitty acoustic chick rock. Then something happened. John Mayer became..."cool." First Rolling Stone did a "100 greatest rock artists" where every entry was written by a modern musician. For some reason the author of the Jimi Hendrix entry ends up being..JOHN MAYER?!? What the hell? So I read the article and it's actually halfway decent. John Mayer talks about how much influence Jimi's music had on him. Then he starts going around telling the public how at heart he is a blues guitarist. He starts jamming with Eric Clapton, B.B. King and Buddy Guy at blues festivals, because he wants to be recognized for his guitar chops. He gets proclaimed a modern "Guitar Hero." Of course when all this happened I was confused considering the fact that I just knew him from his "Wonderland" days. So how does John Mayer explain that "phase?" By telling everyone that he had to be a pawn in the music industry before he could make "true music." He HAD to write these shitty ballads to make it big before he could play stuff closer to his heart.

So at this point you'd think John Mayer know..actually start releasing cool music. NO. John Mayer comes out and is still playing his shitbag brand of sensitive chick rock. Except now people are actually recognizing him as an "artist" because he told people he was influenced by cool music. Fuck that. John Mayer's music is horrible. First of all he could jam out the most badass guitar solo ever in a song and I would still not be able to enjoy it because of his fucking vocals. John Mayer has THE WORST VOICE EVER. I have no idea who taught him to sing like that. His voice sounds like James Taylor whispering in a library. Occasionally his music now gets classified as "soul music." WHAT? WHY? Just because he hits high notes when singing the hooks of his lame ass songs? That makes him a 12 year old choir girl not Al Green.

Just when you think John Mayer can't be more of a douchebag he starts acting like a badass rockstar. He gets tatoos and starts showing them off with his totally rad wife beater. He walks around in shades at all times. He gives interviews and tries to be funny with random offensive comments like "I don't bang black chicks, my dicks sort of like a white supremacist." And somehow this leads to him dating all these hot hollywood starlets and models. Fuck that bullshit. I have had it with this asshole. Your music sucks. You are not badass AT ALL. You are a tool. END OF STORY.

Unfortunately the sensitive rock scene is obviously flourishing currently so there is no visible end in sight for this jackass' career. Which would be fine if he would just stop pretending he's cool. And telling people how cool he is. Just make your shitty VH1 rock, admit you are just in the music business to make money off of sensitive chicks, and then go back into your cave with your fucking acoustic guitar and write some more sensitive chick songs. Just don't portray yourself as a badass blues guitar hero. Stevie Ray Vaughan was a fucking blues guitar hero. You are a homeless man's Cat Stevens. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The 5 Corners of Wallet Rapeage

Times are tough in America. People are unemployed. Nobody has a dollar to their name. I'm not saying we're going through your Grandpa's real Great Depression, but hey by my generation's standard shit is rough. You would think that America's businesses would react to this and help you save a couple bucks here and there. NO. Instead America has come up more ways to rape your wallet than ever before. I give you now the 5 main corners of wallet rapeage in America that piss me off.

1. Movie Theatres: Going to the movies these days is fucking ridiculous. My dad was just telling me about how movies were $2/ticket in his day. Keep in mind that back then movies were shown at drive-in theaters, so a $4 invesment in a movie date meant catching a great flick while receiving some backseat pleasure during the boring scenes. AWESOME. Today it is fucking 10 dollars for one movie ticket. Even worse movie food is insanely priced, even though theater movie items are lower quality than fast food. "Nachos" = a small cup of cheese wiz and 12 chips. $7. What the hell? Also they strategically price things so you feel pressured to spend the most money. Oh a small popcorn is $7.50...but the jumbo fat kid tub is $8. Well fuck, what's the point of saving 50 cents to get a minimal amount of popcorn? Instead I might as well dish out the extra coin to now have a quantity of popcorn no human outside of Michael Moore could consume. Also movie theater register guys try to sell you extra shit you don't want these days. You're not a commission salesman, why the fuck are you trying to force me to buy twizzlers when I've already spent $30 this evening??

2. Itunes: I used to download music, movies, and other items that aren't porn for free in college. This was great. Then as you get older you realize doing illegal things is bad, and more importantly I can't afford a new computer after these sites contaminate my laptop with a thousand viruses. So I have to use ITunes now. Itunes started out being reasonable at aboout $1 a song. Then they realized this was TOO reasonable and commenced raping wallets. For any modern band that releases an album Itunes charges $1.25 a song. Even worse, modern bands suck and if you want to download the one decent song that song is invevitably "Album Only." Well shit I am not gonna pay $13 for the entire shitty Jay-Z album. If there is an old band you like all their songs are a buck, EXCEPT for the ones everyone likes. Random CCR b-side: $1. "Fortunate Son": $1.25. Fuck you ITunes.

3. Minimum Delivery Charges: It's Saturday morning, I'm hungover and there is no food in the house. I NEEED some greasy Kung Pao chicken. So I call Magic Wok. They have a TWELVE dollar pre-tax delivery charge. Goddamnit. How am I supposed to get to this magic number?? I want a meal, and maybe one appetizer, both of which are $5. I don't want another random egg drop soup with it. Yet I HAVE to order it to hit the minimum. Then they charge me tax. AND I have to tip. So I end up paying $15 when I only wanted $5 of greasy food. Which is not proportional to the amount of work you put into making my meal. You fried a stray cat, threw it in one of your 3 giant pots of chinese sauce and threw some peanuts on top. That is NOT worth $15.

4. Cash Only establishments: I never have cash on me, because if I have cash it gets spent. It's the 21st century, and you'd think everyone would take VISA but NOOO there are still "cash only" establishments. This is total bullshit. None of these places is so short on profits that they can't afford credit card machines. They just do it to add to the "old-fashioned mom and pops" aura of their establishment. With bars this is especially annoying because you get ripped off with tipping every time. See if you don't tip every time you will never get a drink in less than 20 minutes. So now every $4 beer is a $5 beer (yeah cash only places are never cheap). All the "cash only" restaurants are generally lunch places which sucks because during your 1 hour for lunch you don't have time to waste going to your personal bank ATM before hitting up a bite to eat. Don't worry though, even though these Nazi establishments can't afford credit card machines...they CAN afford ATMs. Speaking of which...

5. ATMS: The Granddaddy of all wallet rapeage. If you want to go to an ATM and take money out of your account..without being charged take out money, you have to actually go to your personal bank which is probably inconveniently located far from any place you want to spend your money. So if you go to a bar and randomly find out that it's a $5 cover because there is a shitty 80's cover band playing, you have to go to the random ATM next door and get charged $2.50 by the ATM and your bank ($5 total) to take out a minimum of $20 you didn't even need to withdraw. This is complete bullshit. The worst are "generic" bar ATMs. What the hell is with these things?? Generic bar ATMs charge an even more insane fee to withdraw money. I have to spend $27 so I can have $20 to spend...and I only needed 5 bucks. Left with a random $15 in cash my friends and I are now left with no choice but to go to the strip club at 1am.

Ok fine...strip clubs are the REAL king of wallet rapeage...but we have nobody to blame but ourselves for that...

Friday, July 16, 2010

Use that $10 for Something Else you Sick Bastard.

Assuming you've turned on your TV in the last two weeks, you have probably seen about 700 ads for the new Disney Picture "The Sorceror's Apprentice" starring Nicolas Cage. This movie, just like every other Nic Cage vehicle looks utterly retarded. This movie, just like every other Nic Cage flic, is expected to do well at the box office. I read up on some box office result stuff on the interwebs that said that the movie was looking like a complete flop and was only supposed to bring in a "disappointing" 30-35 million dollars in the first five days of release. DISAPPOINTING?!? By my count dividing that number up at $10/ticket, that is approximately 3-3.5 million people in America that you can safely assume don't have a soul.

To be a Famous "A-List" Hollywood actor you have to be either (A) A good actor (B) Good Looking or (C) Funny. Nicolas Cage doesn't fit into any of these categories. So why in the fuck is he a star? Who funds his career? Is this some sort of sick Hollywood conspiracy? On that last note I did some research and found out that he is the nephew of director Francis Ford Coppola (of "Godfather" fame), so I guess that could be part of an explanation for how he rose to the top. For the record fuck the Coppolas at this point. After Francis, you gave careers to Nicolas Cage, and Sofia Coppola who became famous for directing that stupid fucking movie where Bill Murray spends 2 hours in Japan doing nothing humorous. Thanks for nothing. Assholes.

Family connections aside, it's fair to say Nicolas Cage became famous for his award winning portrayal of a loser alcoholic in "Leaving Las Vegas." This was the best Nicolas Cage movie ever. Not so much because he won an Oscar for it, but mostly because Nicolas Cage dies at the end. The concept of winning an award for "portraying" an alcoholic jackass is dumb. How hard was nailing that role? I'll be doing that "portrayal" tonight somewhere downtown. Send me a fucking golden statue. Post Oscar fame, Nicolas Cage then went an insanely succesful run, making a career out of making awful action flicks that all mysteriously rolled in the dough at the box office. There was "Face Off": quite possibly the stupidest movie ever made. There was "Con Air" aka "Forrest Gump" meets "Roadhouse"....ON A PLANE. There was "The Rock" which was somewhat decent but only because Sean Connery kicks ass.

After making a series of critically acclaimed serious films about nothing in particular ("Adaptation" "Matchstick Men") where Nicolas Cage played a quirky weirdo (aka himself), he returned to the shitty action flick scene. There is of course the insanely popular "National Treasure" franchise which is basically a homeless man's Indiana Jones. Nic Cage has also managed to make money off of "Ghost Rider," "Next" and "Bangkok Dangerous" which all could have been renamed "Nic Cage drives a bike...with a mullet." Seriously look at the name of that last one..."Bangkok Dangerous." Are you fucking kidding me?? The creative powers that be didn't even bother to go the extra mile and name it say..."Danger in Bangkok." Was the film named by a Thai hooker? Yet still at some point THAT movie was number 1 at the box office!

So there I just summarized Nicolas Cage's IMDB page for you. Can you name me ONE Nicolas Cage movie that was an absolute MUST-SEE? Or at least one movie that really NEEDED Nicolas Cage in it? NO. You can't. Yet for some reason there are assholes out there that have absolutely NOTHING better to do than to fork over $10 at the movies to fund this douchebag's career. Nicolas Cage is kind of like the Nickelback of Hollywood in that I have never met anyone that is a self-professed "Nic Cage fan" yet somehow he is a commercial cash cow. So whoever you people are that go see Nic Cage movies, a big hearty FUCK YOU. I have no choice but to stereotype you all as either child molesters or serial killers. Because nobody other than a sick soul-less bastard would go see one of his movies. Edward Norton can't get a decent role to save his life but Nicolas Cage is swimming in box office gold. Sign #1 that there is officially no God in Hollywood.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

This week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE BLACK EYED PEAS

One common trait among most of the bands I identify for their shittiness, is that they are all commercially succesful. You see in today's world if your band actually kicks ass you will probably be relegated to playing at bars in or around your college town, catering to the audience requests of the other 10 people that never graduate/moved. If your band is mediocre, but is somewhat artsy or coveys some sort of pseudo-intellectual appeal they will at least gain a small underground following, be able to book small festivals and club gigs and perhaps gain some critical acclaim as a "smart indie group." To make it to the big time however, you have to truly go the extra mile to make sure that your music completely sucks and only appeals to the bottom 10% of the population IQ wise (aka people who still buy cds). These are lesson that this next band understood early on, and subsequently used to their full advantage to make it to the top of the charts. This weeks Band that Sucks Balls: THE BLACK EYED PEAS.

The Black Eyed Peas started out in the second of the three aforementioned categories. They were a mediocre indie rap group in the 90s with somewhat of an underground following. Nobody really hated the Black Eyed Peas. You either didn't have any idea who they were, or you owned one of their cds cus they put on a good show that one time you saw them opening for Erykah Badu and Jurassic 5 at that Hip-Hop festival to benefit forest conservation. Theywere just...a group. Well the Black Eyed Peas and their fearless leader William...sorry.."Will.I.Am," were not content to be just another indie backpack rap group. Oh No. They had bigger plans to make it to the top. So they took a few years off, spending every second watching MTV, studying the success of mainstream acts, figuring out a master plan to get them on the Billboard 200.

The conclusion William came up with was this. Hot Chick + Shitty dance songs + Hot chick shaking her ass to shitty dance songs in MTV videos = $$$. With this formula you can bring in all the major categories that make up the record buying public. Namely...Teenage girls...high school girls...and perverts who masterbate to MTV. So William brought in some random hot white girl named Fergie to join his rap group whose only talents were the moderate ability to carry a tune, and the above average ability to shake her ass. The Black Eyed Peas completely changed their music formula. They were no longer just a rap group. No now they would be an eclectic mix of all musical genres thrown into one super hybrid sound. Which is to say they threw every item on the McDonalds dollar menu, put it in a blender and then threw it in a pot and called it Gumbo.

They started out with their political pop hit "Where's the love?" which immediately caught the eye of both the public and the critics. After all, Will...(Fuck. Apparently I have to insert the periods in this stupid name or I will be sued). ahem...After all, "WILL.I.AM" rhymed the words "Equality" and "society" and that cute Fergie chick was singing about people dying and children crying (which also rhymes!) so clearly these guys really had a message. Once they roped the critics and liberal teenagers with this hit, they immediately roped in the rest of their target audience with a series of horrible dance songs where Fergie shakes her ass in the videos and sings nonsensical garbage on the hook (worth noting...the other two "members"don't actually do anything but fill the band's quotas for "Filipino hippies" and "short guys with mohawks"). This run included such musical masterpieces as "Shut Up," "My Humps" (a complex metaphor re: a woman's curves), "Don't Phunk with my Heart," and of course "Boom Boom Pow" (about making noises and jumping around). Bob Dylan said recently that he would feel better about his career song -writing catalog if he had written "Don't Phunk with my Heart."

Of course there are lots of shitty pop acts out there. I don't hate all of them. Most of them however, set out to be shitty pop acts. The Black Eyed Peas pretended to be some conscious indie group. Then they decided they should just blatantly sell out and make shitty pop music. Then now they are back to thinking they are a real group with "artistic value" and the ability to tell me who I should vote for and what issues to support. Look "WILL.I.AM" your fucking Buddy Holly glasses look stupid and fedoras only look good on mobsters and Tom Landry. You wrote "My Humps." I'm not gonna take your world views seriously. Make up your mind guys. Either make boring political rap with a message and enjoy selling 300,000 copies per album OR be a shitty dance-rap group that makes cheesy pop songs and shuts up about the issues. Just don't try to be both.

Also. Most importantly. If I have to see these assholes show up on another football pre-game event, I'm storming NFL headquarters.

The De-Gangstafication of Rap Music

When I was growing up "Gangsta Rap" ruled the charts. Yes I had to put that in quotes because today the genre no longer exists. Around the time Rock and Roll went to shit, these guys stepped in and filled the" musicians that kick ass" void. Gangsta Rap of course was of course created by real life inner-city thugs that found out that they could gain another form of income by glorifying their lifestyle. Their lifestyle and the music that glorified it was only comprised of three areas of subject matter. (1) Being hard and shooting fools. (2) Selling narcotics and smoking large amounts of marijuana. (3) Pimping Hos. Rappers would "beef" (have feuds) over who was the "realest" gangsta out. This of course all came to a head with the whole East-West coastal rap battle with Biggie and Pac (pictured left..looking gangsta) where everybody took the whole "being hard" thing to heart and the 2 best Gangsta rappers ended up actually getting shot. Oops. (When keeping it real goes..wrong)

Post Big/Pac however you still had awesome gangsta rappers, everybody just kinda chilled on the whole "actually shooting each other in drive-bys" aspect of the music. Gangsta rappers all still rapped about shootings/selling drugs/pimping hos even if they weren't necessarily FULLY going through with the whole lifestyle in reality. Which was fine. I still bought into it. Who cares? It's not like I've watched "Goodfellas" 8,000 times because I believe Joe Pesci and DeNiro ACTUALLY stomp dudes faces in public (though they probably have), I watch because I like buying into the story. Gangsta rappers of course all named themselves after either cool movie gangsters or real-life criminals to demonstrate how much they loved the "Thug Life." Rappers had awesome names like Mobb Deep, Scarface, and Capone N Noreaga. Capone and Noreaga were so hard, people ignored the fact that the concept of a 20's Chicago crime lord and 80's Panamanian dictator forming an alliance was utterly fucking ridiculous.

Then I don't know what happened. Gangsta Rap just STOPPED being popular. 50 Cent was probably the last guy that thought of himself as a "Gangsta" but cmon the guy sells Vitamin Water, how hard is he at this point? So what caused this? I personally point the finger at Rapper/Producer/Genius/Douchebag extraordinairre Kanye fucking West. Kanye West came out went platinum 80x and made it cool to NOT be a thug. You didn't even have to come up with a hard rap name you could use your lame birth name! And then record labels went out on a search for the next Kanye. And you got all these loser rappers from the burbs who defined being cool as wearing skinny jeans, urkel glasses and a suit jacket over a Miles Davis tee. What a bunch of douchebags. Now you no longer had to rap about the holy trinity of thug life elements. NO. Now you could rap about "skateboarding," or "politics" or.....(gasp)....being RESPECTFUL of women. WTF.

The worst part is that I now have things in common with the rappers ruling the charts. OH MAN. "Lupe Fiasco" wore airwalks and was once employed in retail?? ME TOO. "Times was hard growing up in the Burbs. One year I had to save up TWO Blockbuster paychecks to buy the new Jordans." Yeah lame. Why didn't you just flip a couple ounces real quick to get the dough. That's what Biggie woulda done. Worst of all the whole persona and aura of the cool rapper lifestyle is gone. People have nothing to live vicariously through in rap music. Lets examine this exchange that NEVER occurs in real life:

Me: What up shorty?

Shorty: Mmm. What up Daddy what you want?

Me: Say Ho, how bout we goes back to my crib so you can slob on my knob like corn on da cob?

Shorty: Daaamn Baby! You know I'm down! Lets go!

Me: Cool. Also paying for ya own drink. Good talk.

In the world of Gangsta Rap however, this conversation occurs quite regularly. That's what made Gangsta Rap so awesome. It provided us with an awesomely ridiculous fantasy lifestyle for us regular folks to idolize, but never actually aspire to. Nobody on my block is intimidated by my proficiency with a firearm (since I don't own one). I don't make a living selling narcotics. If I call a bit....err....beautiful young lady (sorry got too into character) a Ho a drink is getting poured on my head and I'm paying for it. Nobody should aspire to be me. That's why we need gangster rappers to idolize. So please somebody call Pac and tell him to come and throw Kanye down a flight of stairs and record a Thug Life record quick before I have to go purchase a gloc to shoot...myself with.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

R.I.P. The Boss - Salute to an Angry Old Man

George Steinbrenner the legendary owner of the New York Yankees died today. He was old. That's what old people do. George was often cast as a villain because you know...he was a crazy mean old man...that ran the Yankees...and everybody hates the fucking Yankees. Whatever your thoughts on George/The Yankees, Steinbrenner was really good at what he did. After acquiring the team he returned the most succesful franchise in US history to dominance from a period of mediocrity. He did this by doing things his way and not giving a shit what anybody thought of it.

George would fire you at the drop of the hat if you weren't doing your job to his satisfaction, whether you were a GM, the team's manager or the team's highest paid superstar. A lot of times his decisions seemed illogical to most, but hey "The Boss" doesn't care what you think. If "The Boss" thinks this is what it takes to bring a title to The Big Apple he's gonna do it. Steinbrenner was often criticized for throwing money at high-priced free agents, because this appeared "unfair" to other teams (especially in small markets) who couldn't afford to lure players with as much green as George.

Whatever. There are a lot of franchises with huge payrolls and rich owners that throw money at every big-name free agent they can that don't amount to shit (Ask a Washington Redskins fan). Shit is not that simple. You've got to make moves that fit a winning team model. You've got to build a winning business model in essence. Otherwise any rich asshole could purchase their favorite sports team and turn it into a dynasty...and there are a lot of rich assholes out there.

So on this, the day of his passing, I salute George as a fellow angry old man. Although wtf was he thinking trading Jay Buhner...? http://http//

Monday, July 12, 2010

Todays Headline: Lunatic calls other lunatic a racist for calling self-absorbed millionaire asshole a dick.

This morning I was going through my usual daily check on to see what was going on know...sports. In glancing over to the headlines out of the corner of my eye I saw "Rev. Jesse Jackson...something, something...Lebron." Oh jesus. Whenever I see a headline involving Rev. Jesse Jackson addressing anything these days, I immediately prepare myself for a new rant of batshit craziness, more off the wall than the last time this nutjob opened his mouth. Even with that being said, I still had absolutely no idea what insight Rev. Jackson could possibly have on the Lebron James situation (for the record I am also sick of referencing this as a "situation" like this is some sort of foreign conflict). Anyways I go ahead and click on the article...

(Palm to face).

Jesse Jackson's "job" as you all know is that of an outspoken Civil Rights activist. This is a totally commendable thing to do if you are..actually dealing with an unfortunate Civil Rights concern that needs attention and repair. There was once a time when Jesse Jackson used to do this during his early days marching with Martin Luther King in Birmingham, Alabama protesting segregation laws and attempting to spurn important social progress in this country. Even later on Rev. Jackson did lend his support to valid causes where there was racial discrimination going on in this country that needed attention brought to it. Today however, Jesse Jackson is just a crazy ass old man, that is no longer relevant and just likes to turn any event into a reason to jump on his soapbox and start spitting a sermon of looniness.

Just to recap (AGAIN) the Lebracle of last week. Lebron used a national tv forum to announce to the world that he was leaving Cleveland for sunny South Beach. That was a total dick move. Cleveland GM Dan Gilbert then went on a crazed rant about Lebron being selfish and cowardly, and even theorized that Lebron quit on the team in the playoffs. Also a total bitter dick move. So Ol' Reverend Looney Tunes decides to chime in with this gem...

"His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave. This is an owner employee relationship -- between business partners -- and LeBron honored his contract."

OK wait WTF?? Sadly the second part of this statement is reasonable. This is a business. Lebron honored his contract and sought employment elsewhere. No reason to cry about it Mr. Gilbert. The first part though overshadows it completely. Seriously??? "A runaway slave? Slave master mentality." You are off your fucking rocker Mr. Jackson. Most runaway slaves didn't get to go on tv and announce to the world that they were running away to seek $100 million at another plantation last time I checked. They actually had um...far more miserable lives than King James... Also Dan Gilbert was pissed off that his shitty city/franchise's one shining hope went on tv and effectively kicked Cleveland in the balls and barely acknowledged if they had meant anything to him. So he was bitter. I don't think he wakes up in the morning and says "I own Lebron James, he is my slave, he will not leave me to run off to rival slave master Pat Riley down South."

Of course there are still racial injustices that occur every day in this country. When Jesse goes on TV however, and throws out random insane analogies about racial issues that are non-existent, he loses all the credibility he could use in the future to fight real social battles. If kids aren't getting into schools or acquiring jobs because of their race, that is a disturbing social occurrence that needs to be addressed. If urban victims of a natural disaster aren't getting the help they need, bring attention to that. Just don't ask me to feel sorry for some millionaire asshole who plays basketball for a living, and scream "RACISM!" when his slightly nuts and bitter former employer calls him out for being kind of a dick. Since you have shown yourself to be incapable of doing this, you should probably go ahead and take a couple plays off Champ, and wait around until somebody sane brings a real issue to the table for you to jump in on.

(5 minutes pass. Jesse Jackson goes on TV and accuses my blog of racism. I counter with the fact that the site's acronym is actually GOMLK. Nice try Rev.)

Friday, July 9, 2010

The Death of the Hardass Action Hero

Recently I saw the latest trailer for "Machete." God this movie looks fucking awesome. It stars Danny Trejo (The grungy mexican bad guy in every movie ever) as some sort of knife/gun wielding assassin that is out to take out anybody that is out out to take him out. That's pretty much the plot synopsis. There are also hot chicks involved, shit blows up, bad guys get their asses kicked, and Robert Deniro shows up at some point with a huge revolver. What more do you really need to know...?

I think the reason I am so psyched for this movie is because it reminds of the days of the old school action flick. Mostly it features a hero that is a throwback to the hardass action hero of yesteryear. You see back in the day heros were ugly. They didn't shave. They wore grungy, dirty clothing. They drank and smoked a lot. They used profanity while kicking your ass. Basically Average Joes like myself (Translation: Drunken chain-smoking trainwrecks) could relate to these guys which is what made them so awesome. A part of you believed that one day YOU could also roll out of bed hungover, stumble through your apartment's maze of empty beer cans, throw on a wife-beater and some jeans and go out and take out 40 bad guys with a barrage of bullets from your one gun.

Pictured to the left is Detective John McClane from the Die Hard trilogy (lets forget DH4 happened). He epitomizes the old school hardass action hero. He smoked 17 packs of cigs a day. He only owned one shirt which was technically an undershirt and has never been washed. If there was a crisis you went and found Detective McClane. He's probably passed out on the subway with his shoes off still wreaking of booze from the night before. Wake him up, give him a gun, light his cigarette and tell him of the situation. Detective McClane will wipe his eyes, shake himself off, and then proceed to go annihilate 86 terrorists who chose the wrong building/airport/entire city to fuck with today.

McClane wasn't the only Average Joe action hero running around in the 80's and 90's. There was Charles Bronson (who basically looked like your dad) going around laying down vengeance with one small pistol and a can of whoop-ass in the "Death Wish" flicks. There was pre-racist/insanity phase Mel Gibson in the "Lethal Weapon" flicks as deranged chain smoking, mullet-haired officer Martin Riggs. There was Sly Stallone and Kurt Russel teaming up to kick ass in "Tango and Cash." There was Nick Nolte in the "48 hours" flicks as hard drinking cop Jack Cates who kicked ass in between listening to Eddie Murphy babble one-liners. Shit I will even throw Steven Seagal in there although he was usually too busy beating the shit out of drug dealers with his bare hands to take time out for a drink or a smoke. There was CHUCK..FUCKING..NORRIS.

Nowadays action heros are all fancy looking and impossible to relate to. Jason Bourne kicks ass but cmon he is a trained agency assassin with all this weapons/fighting knowledge that none of us could possibly fathom having. He isn't an average guy from Brooklyn. Jason Statham is a pretty boy Brit who is always wearing a fancy suit while chasing down bad guys in expensive European sports cars in his movies. John McClane didn't drive a car. You know why? Probably cus his piece of shit 87' Cadillac wouldn't fucking start ever. Most cop action flick roles these days are given to comics like Chris Tucker or Martin Lawrence who couldn't kick your grandmother's ass. Give me a break.

I hope the bros of the world dish out some coin to go see "Machete" and badass mantown action flicks like it. If stuff like that does well at the box office than maybe we can finally have a return to the good old days when we could go see badasses on the screen that returned to their dirty one bedroom apartment with a hole in the door at the end of the day after spending all afternoon destroying bad guys. Somebody that says "hey dude if you put your mind to it, maybe you can fight some neighborhood crime today in a wifebeater with a marlboro dangling out of the side of your mouth."

I gotta leave work and catch the subway now. If I find detective McClane passed out under a seat I'll let you know.

Thursday, July 8, 2010 once again...Cleveland.

Thankfully the Lebron James saga is over. Jesus christ. Did we really need a one hour ESPN special: "THE DECISION" for that? Last time I checked he was announcing where he was gonna play basketball next season, not his presidential candidacy in 2012. There are 8 billion sports bloggers out there with opinions on why Lebron is destroying his legacy, or a sellout or a general egomaniacal dickhead, so theres no reason for me to dwell on that. Instead I'm left thinking that none of these media d-bags are focusing on the real story here...Cleveland once again...being Cleveland.

Despite what Drew Carey's intro tells you Cleveland sucks balls. I would compare Cleveland to Beirut but I think at least one sports franchise in Beirut has won a title in the last 50-60 yrs. I saw a funny clip recently about Cleveland where they end by saying "at least we're not Detroit." Yeah you're not Detroit. Detroit has contributed SOMETHING to American society. Detroit has Motown records. The auto industry. White-boy rappers. What the hell can Cleveland lay claim to?

Everybody's first answer is Drew Carey? Um...Ok. That's not really something worth bragging about. He was an almost moderately funny comedian with a sitcom who later hosted a tv show. It's not like LA tells you they are the birthplace of George Lopez. You can't really say Drew Carey is famous for being from Cleveland, because Drew Carey is not famous for...anything. Yet Cleveland is famous for Drew Carey. Cleveland is famous for having the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which doesn't really make sense to me Rock and Roll hall of Famers are from Cleveland. Seriously the only famous musician from Cleveland I can think of is Bone Thugs N' Harmony. I thought at the very least Cleveland was named after former US president Grover Cleveland. NO. They were named after some general named "Moses Cleaveland." You read that right. They took some random general's name misspelled it and that's how they gave their city a name. Cleveland in a nutshell.

What about the city itself? It is an "industrial" city which is fancy talk for "dirty, run-down and smoggy." There are no famous tourist attractions. No beautiful parks to hang out in. No historical monuments. You can't even go to somewhere just outside of Cleveland to find something fun to do. Because after all you're still in Ohio and there is nothing there. It's cold. Its depressing. It's a barren wasteland. Neil Young once wrote a song called "Ohio." Have you ever listened to that song? Lets just say if you are ever doing heroin in your basement and wrestling with the idea of killing yourself, listening to "Ohio" for 3 minutes will make your decision for you. Pretty appropriate considering how depressing it is to be a resident of the state.

With Lebron in Cleveland for 6 years, Cleveland finally had something to la claim to. They had the best player in the world. They had an attraction. They had somebody from their city worth having skyscraper sized billboards for. Hell they had the BEST "something" for once in their life. Of course with this came the expectation that Lebron would make a Cleveland franchise "the best" for the first time since the leather helmet era of football.

Cleveland's sports misery is well documented with the obvious examples being the Browns choke jobs against Elway, Jordan's shot over Ehlo, and the Indians...being the Indians. To me however, the biggest dick punch that is never talked about is the fact that The Browns left town...became the Ravens...and then won the fucking Super Bowl two years later. Are you kidding me?!? We were the NFL's most devoted franchise...for a shitty team that didn't win anything f0r 40 years.... and you move them...and instantly they become great. WHAT THE HELL? Fuck you Red Sox nation at least you had the Celtics and Pats winning titles while your beloved Sawks choked year after year, and Boston is at least a cool city to live in.

Also...Cleveland is cold as the Midwest...and doesn't even have a hockey franchise. What the fuck? Carolina and San Jose have hockey teams...and Cleveland doesn't.

So Lebron James, if I were from Cleveland I would say this. "Fuck you Lebron. Thanks for that 6 year cocktease that made us believe we...Cleveland would finally amount to something. You are even from here, and have grown up for 26 years knowing our misery. You of all people should understand what a massive cockpunch this is. We are now back to being the old hopeless depressing Cleveland everyone else in the country points and laughs at. I can't say I fault you for leaving this miserable shithole. Especially since you took less money than we would have paid you to stay in this miserable shithole. Still it pisses me off that once again it sucks balls to live in Cleveland"

(Retires to basement. Turns on "Ohio") BANG!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bands that suck balls: LINKIN PARK

It always sucks when a shitty band gets famous and takes over your airwaves. It is however, even worse when an entire shitty GENRE gets big and begins to dominate your airwaves. Usually the genre eventually fades and is dismissed as a fad, but there is always one band from said shitty genre that refuses to let it die. I give you this weeks Band That Sucks Balls: LINKIN PARK.

In the early 90's a band called Rage Against The Machine burst onto the scene. They totally kicked ass. They combined the best elements of angry hip-hop with metal to create an awesomely killer sound. Unfortunately Rage Against the Machine was responsible for birthing the "Rap-Rock" genre which ended up being quite possibly the worst musical genre in history. You see a bunch of bands saw the model set by RATM and just decided to combine rap and rock, without being good at either, into one massively shitty musical mutant. And you know what...people ate it up.

Rap-rock frontman were generally some angry suburban white kid that obviously couldn't rap, but couldn't really sing either so they just alternated doing mediocre renditions of both in their song. They'll rap a verse and then kinda scream/yell the hook while the shitty backing band plays the same thrashing pseudo-metal riff on repeat. Linkin Park however, came up with a brilliant idea which is apparently the reason why they are still here while the Limp Bizkits and Korns of the world have dissapeared. Rather than have one shitty rap-singer, Linkin Park decided to make you feast your ears on the vocals of BOTH a shitty rapper AND a shitty rock singer. I mean why let just one untalented asshole bear the burden of being the frontman?

This is the format for every Linkin Park song:

(1) slow gloomy intro with piano chords

(2) Shitty rap verse

(3) Bridge: shitty rapping fades while quiet shitty singing sets in

(4) Hook: Singer screams hook and band breaks into sudden shitty thrash metal riff.

So for example lets say Linkin Park has a song called "Pain" (not far fetched). After the intro, the rapper would start rhyming the word "pain" with "rain" and "gain" in shitty rap couplets. Singer then starts to quietly whisper "so much pain..can't stand the rain" slowly building. Then the hook comes in, band thrashes into full force and the singer screams "IIIIIIIII'M IN SO MUCH PAAAAIN, I CAN FEEEEEEL THE RAAAAAIN, THERE IS NO GAAAAAAIN, I'M IN SO MUCH PAAAAAAAIN!!!"

There I just wrote Linkin Parks next hit and the theme song for Transformers 3. That took 30 seconds.

The actual band of course sucks at playing their instruments. That is why they are only allowed to contribute to the thrash of the hook. They are not allowed to play solos, or even drum fills, because that would be disastrous. No you guys get to thrash rock out for 30 seconds at a time during the hook and then sit back while the gloom sets back in and the shitty rapping resumes.

Unfortunately they might be here for good. Jay-Z decided to do a shitty rap/rock mashup album with these assholes (where they just..sang each others songs..mixed together) and lent the band undeserved credibility. Goddamit Jay-Z. Seriously Jay-Z could make a rap-rock song with the Jonas Brothers and they'd be bumping that shit all over hip-hop stations 24/7, BOOM number 1 on the urban charts. And Michael Bay decided they should do the soundtrack for all his shitty summer blockbusters because their jams go well with cartoonish explosions. And Michael Bay will make summer flicks with explosions FOREVER.

I think the only solution is for Rage Against the Machine to return, make awesome music and destroy the morale of Linkin Park and any other shitty copy-cat rap-rock bands still left that are an embarassment to the original model. Seriously guys you birthed this shitty genre, you can kill it. I can't take any more of Linkin Park's shitty music it does nothing but cause my ears...."SOOOOO MUCH PAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!"

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I Kan Hatez Yor Kittyz?

Lately my neighbor has been pissing me off. Specifically his stupid goddamn cat "Gus" has been pissing me off. He is always rolling over to my balcony annoying me and my dog that would love nothing better than to eat Gus for dinner with a nice Chianti. He just sits at the window and stares in with his stupid evil grin while my puppy flips his shit. There is nothing that can be done about this of course because stupid Gus is owned by his even stupider cat owner. Cats...and Cat People...PISS..ME..OFF.

First of all wtf is with Cat names? They are all given stupid pseudo-intellectual human names like "Gus" or "Miles" or "Tobey." These are not pet names they are the names of fucking Harvard professors. There are of course some exceptions to this rule with your extra retarded cat owners who name their Kitty anything cute with the word "Meow" in it such as "Princess Meowers" or "Captain Meow Meow." I would never think to name my Dog "Prince Woof Woof." Dogs are given cool badass names like "Rocky" or "Scrapper" or "Buster" because someday we will have human children and be forced to give them boring human names, (unless you're Gwyneth Paltrow) so this is your chance to still have fun with the naming process.

Also the idea of a pet is an animal that you own that stays in YOUR house. Animals that just wander around town are known as "strays." Unless of course you are a cat owner or specifically "outdoor cat owner." In this case your cat just wanders around annoying other people (like myself) all around town until he feels the need to be fed by his owner. WTF. That cat is not your pet just because you feed him when he comes back around. That's like saying "Oh yeah there is this pigeon that flys around and occassionally hangs out on my porch. I feed him bread crumbs. He is MY pet bird Sir Chirps a Lot."

As for cat owners these people are generally more annoying than their despicable feline companions. First, what the hell is with cat owners putting costumes on their little furballs? Cat owners love dressing their cats in hats and costumes. Cat owners made entire websites devoted to pictures of their pets in weird poses with some misspelled saying on it. Hey look! It's my kitty hanging from a fan "I CANZ HAZ GRAVATY???" Tee Hee. What a bunch of fucking weirdos.

Second of all, cat people have stupid arguments for why cats > dogs. Cats are better pets because they are "clean" and "independent." You don't have to take them outside to do their business. Yeah instead you keep a litter box in your house for the cat to do his business in. Your kitty may be "clean" but last time I checked one of the rooms in your house smells like cat urine and that is fucking disgusting. Also Cats are not "independent" they are just selfish, disloyal assholes. I was once nice enough to feed a stray cat on a daily basis that hung around my house for a couple weeks. He repaid me by crapping on my carpet, and running off to live with the Mexican family across the street. Hope you enjoyed your tuna Mr. Kitty. DICK.

Long story short, dogs are loyal obedient pets that will always love you as long as they get their puppy chow twice a day. That's all they ask for. You can beat your puppy with a spatula (PETA for the record I have never done this), and they will still come running up to you when you get home from work, tail wagging with a big smile. Cats are ungrateful assholes that use you at their convenience, show no affection, and wander around town annoying all the other people that don't technically "own" them. And their owners are creepballs. So fuck you guy in Apt. 3114. Your cat doesn't look cute in his bunny costume, and I will punt him off my balcony the next time he comes over uninvited.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Top 5 reasons America rocks.

Usually I devote my time on this blog to ranting about things that piss me off. Tomorrow however, is the 4th of July when we celebrate the birth of the finest nation on this planet. Despite what some foreigners may tell you America totally kicks ass. Sure we have our flaws to poke fun at but they are far outweighed by all the reasons America fucking rules. In honor of our country's independence day I give you my personal Top 5 Reasons America rocks.

Reason Number 1: Patriotism

Americans love nothing more than showing their love for America. We are the most patriotic country in the world...and it's not even close. Other countries have one national anthem. Lame. We have approximately 17. Yeah we have one "official" anthem but have you ever been to a major sporting event in this country? We'll kick things off by singing "America the Beautiful," then sing the national anthem, and then 6.5 innings later when the fans have briefly forgotten how much they love America, officer Sean O'Malley will come out and sing "God Bless America." We felt the need to designate a badass animal (The bald eagle) our national symbol and put him on every American logo possible looking tough. Do other countries even have national animals? I mean ok Australia you have the koala but I doubt people have bumper stickers with a tough looking koala bear on them that says "Don't fuck with Australia."

Reason Number 2: Invented Drinking Holidays

America is of course the ultimate cultural melting pot, and Americans have always loved exploiting other cultures for their own benefit. This is especially true of drinking holidays. America loves taking random traditional holidays from other cultures and celebrating them by getting wasted. "Cinco de Mayo" commemorates the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the battle of Puebla in 1862. So clearly we randomly decided we should celebrate this in our country by getting shitfaced on tequilla and eating tacos. Mardis Gras was an old catholic tradition that we turned into a reason to parade around in New Orleans with our bros bonging beers and throw beads at drunk sorority girls that flash their tits. We jacked Octoberfest from Germany too. The best one is St. Patrick's day. Even actual Irish-Americans don't know what the fuck this holiday celebrates but hey if it's March 17th we are all getting hammered on green beer and Irish Car bombs. Sometimes I think about how offensive the idea of naming a drink an "Irish Car Bomb" is, but then I remember that combining Jameson, Baileys and Guiness together is yummy and suck it up.

Reason Number 3: We love being fat

It is a well known fact that we are the fattest nation in the world. The reason it is well known is because we embrace being fat in America. You can't go 2 blocks without hitting a different greasy fast-food joint. And these fast-food joints are constantly trying to come up with new menu items that are unhealthier that their competitors, because the grosser the food, the more likely we are to flock to your establishment. KFC just came out with a "sandwich" that is just two pieces of fried chicken sandwiching cheese and bacon. Fuck having bread, bread is for pussies, lets just cut straight to the good stuff. Every 4th of July we have the Nathan's hot dog eating competition where 10 fat-asses and 1 random little Japanese guy COMPETE to see who can eat the most hot dogs. Kids in other countries must fucking hate seeing this competition. "Oh sweet I've eaten 4 crickets in the last week and you douchebags are being given 80 hot dogs and timed to see who can eat them the fastest on tv. I hope Madonna adopts me soon so I can get to that "competition" cus I would fucking dominate that shit."

Reason Number 4: Freedom of Speech

The First Amendment kicks ass. There are other countries that claim to advocate freedom of speech but no group of people abuses that privilege to its fullest potential quite like Americans. Eminem once made an album where he bashed homosexuals, beat up his mom and one song was just a 6 minute recording of him murdering his wife. Some people thought this, but of course the whole 1st Amendment defense prevailed. "WHOA. WHOA. WTF what do you mean I can't say "faggot" repeatedly and slit my wife's throat on record?!? FREE SPEECH. This is America damnit." You're right Eminem this is America, you and everyone else can say whatever you want and not face consequences. We have shock jocks on the radio who bring in homeless people and mentally retarded people in for competitions and broadcast them over the airwaves. We are the only country that assumes it's our right to shit on the President. If Korean Will Ferrell tried to dress up like the president on a sketch comedy show, Kim Jong Izzzill would have his ass executed before the skit was over. Common folk also apply the defense of Free Speech to everything. Take this common exchange:

Loser Parent at sports bar: "Um excuse me guys could you keep the profanity to a minimum there are kids here."

Me: "Hey suck my balls dude. Why is your kid at a bar? Fucking freedom of speech I can say what I want, this is America asshole."

Loser Parent at sports bar: "You're correct sir. This IS America. I apologize for bothering you."

Seriously, that's how that always goes down. God bless Free Speech.

Reason Number 5: ANYBODY can make it here.

At this point you probably assume I am gonna rant about how great it is that a minority can become president in this country. Yeah no. When I say "anybody" can make it in America I mean "Snooki" from Jersey Shore not Obama. Seriously the most untalented mental midget can make it here. Oh you only read at a 2nd grade level? Yeah whatever so does Flavor Flav. He made a career out of yelling YEAH BOYYY!! and wearing a fucking clock around his neck. Lil' Jon followed the same career path minus the clock. They own 50 cars. Are you only good at getting wasted, falling off barstools, and being confrontational? We'll put you on reality tv. Before you know it you'll have a fucking spinoff, and people will be paying to hear you speak at colleges like you're MLK. There are people on tv who get paid mad cash to sit in a room and briefy comment on clips from the 80s. ("Shit the terminator was a bad dude. He wasn't fucking around." CUT. Great job commenting here's a million dollars) We are the only country that has people that are famous..for being famous. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever, that's great for kids in America. They can NEVER be discouraged. Seriously kid Perez Hilton made it, there is SOMETHING you're "good" at.

Let Freedom Ring bitches.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Bands that suck balls: NICKELBACK

I was informed by a friend that today is "Canada Day." "Canada Day" is like the Fourth of July to our neighbors up north, except the Canadian creativity department was out the day they named their national holiday. Canada generally pisses me off, especially when they send us horrible musical imports that impose their will on our nation's airwaves. Such as this week's Band That Sucks Balls: NICKELBACK.

God Fuck NickelBack. These guys are horrible. First of all their lead singer is named Chad Kroeger. Guys named "Chad" are generally complete tools that shouldn't front rock bands and this tard is no exception. I would say that Chad rocks a "Mom Cut" but that would be an insult to my mom's hair. It's like he wanted to have badass long rockstar hair but then got scared at the last moment and stopped just short. This is a theme with Nickelback. They really want to be a badass rock and roll band but then realize that they are not quite cool enough to pull it off. Look at this picture. "Whoa check us out we look angry and badass! We have torn jeans and cool belt buckles! We...should probably tuck our t-shirts into our jeans now. Yeah good call lets not get too out of hand."

Nickelback only sings two types of songs, all of which sound exactly the same. They got famous with their unique brand of shitty power ballads that took over the radio early this millenium. Except they removed all the cool elements of the power ballad. Take Whitesnake lyrics, remove the guitar solo, and sing the whole song in a loud droning post-grunge grunt voice that sounds like Creed with less balls, and you have a Nickelback ballad. Generally the song's theme is Chad's girlfriend has just left him and he's sitting in his room, staring at a photo of her, crying about the breakup while he combs his mom perm. (BTW when I youtube "Photograph" 2 of the top 3 results that pop up are the shitty Nickelback ballad and not the totally kickass Def Leppard song. Another reason they piss me off.)

When Nickelback isn't singing teary ballads they are singing songs about.."BEING TOTALLY BADASS!! AND ROCKING HARD LIKE ROCKSTARS AND GOING TO PARTY TONIGHT AND DRINK LOTS OF BEERS TILL 5AM!! WOOOHOO!!" Wait wtf just happened? I thought you were just singing about sitting alone crying over a picture frame. When did you get friends who want to party with you? Oh you didn't. You just want to pretend to be cool. Well you're not cool Nickelback, nobody wants to party with you. You couldn't possibly drink till 5 am, that might lead to your tee-shirt getting untucked. There are no groupies flocking to you Chad, you look like the lovechild result of Nicolas Cage in "Con Air" banging a cocker spaniel.

Of course the most mysterious thing about Nickelback's success is that I'm not the only person that thinks they suck. NO supposedly everyone else also HATES Nickelback. Bring up Nickelback at a party and everybody will chime in about how they are an awful band. Wait...if everybody thinks they suck...why have are they a consistent multi-platinum selling rock band whose songs are on the radio all the time? Clearly SOMEBODY likes these assholes, and I want to know who those somebodys are so I can go on a nationwide arson tour burning their houses down.

Well I've discovered there are two groups of people that are responsible for that Canadian dogshit blaring on the radio 45 times a day.

(A) People don't know about music so they just "like"/purchase anything they hear on the radio.

(B) People who "hate" Nickelback...but "you know...own some Nickelback cds cus they were cool in high school and I didn't know better.

Group A: Whatever, you people are sheep. If you weren't raised on good music you might as well buy whatever's on "Now! Buzz Ballads volume 10." Group B: Fuck you. What the hell?? Nickelback was NEVER cool. Why did you ever purchase their album? You have NO right to talk shit about how awful their band is if you are directly responsible for their rise to the top. I have bought some shitty cds in my lifetime but hey at least Lil' Kim wasn't still polluting our airwaves 10 years after I bought her debut album.

Anyways I think (or hope) that this will soon be over. All the people who "accidentally" bought Nickelback cds now hate Nickelback and won't buy their cds anymore. The people who just know what's on the radio don't buy cds consistently enough to maintain Nickelback's success. So hopefully Chad's reign of terror has come to an end. If not I'm tying those lame fucks up in my trunk and driving them back to Canada myself.

(Ok I take back what I said earlier about Lil' Kim. "Hard Core" is a masterpiece. Totally get why I purchased that cd)