Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: 2010 Year in Review

With the year drawing to a close here, it's time to take a look back at the rock and roll that ruled the Billboard charts in 2010. Which is to say it's time to assess which completely shitty bands inexplicably achieved the most success this year. Which assholes had their wallets fattened the most by douchebag modern rock fans who don't know Aerosmith from Air Supply? This entry is not so much an indictment of the actual bands (many of whom I've already shat upon in this weekly feature), as it is a criticism of YOU: the irresponsible album buyers who continue to fund the careers of these untalented assclowns. If you didn't purchase any of the following albums this year, my hats off to you (Unless you're just a hipster douchebag who listens to Vampire Weekend). If you do own any of these albums, I consider you amongst the lowest forms of life on this planet, along with cockroaches, PETA activists and Tyler Perry. Seriously shame on you. In continuing to fork over your hard earned dollars (or in the case of Whores, your daddy's hard earned $$) to purchase CDs released by the fucktards listed below, you are personally responsible for furthering the current sad state of rock and roll. Until you stop bankrolling more new releases from these shitheads, we cannot hope to see cool music returning to our lives anytime in the near future. Anyways without further ado, I give you the assholes that profited the most from your poor taste in rock music this year. BANDS THAT SUCK BALLS: Billboard's Top 10 Highest Selling Rock Albums of 2010.

10. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Soundtrack)

(head explodes)

9. Daughtry: Leave This Town

The only more appropriate title for a new Daughtry album would have been "Leave This Planet." Jesus Christ, Daughtry fucking sucks. In the year 2010 the path to rock stardom apparently goes through competition in a weekly karaoke contest that only teenage girls and my mom watch. American Idol is totally fine for deciding who is gonna be the next Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber. It should stay away from rock and roll though. Just because Randy thinks someone totally rocked a killer rendition of a Goo Goo Dolls classic during 90's week on "AI" doesn't mean they belong on the rock airwaves. Daughtry also gets extra suckage points for being involved with the least Rad metal horns picture in history (see above) with Nickelback's Chad Kroeger. Seriously guys, I know you're psyched about getting to drink Captain and Colas past 9pm on a school night, but that doesn't give you the right to disgrace an iconic symbol of rock and roll.

8. Train: Save Me, San Francisco

Hopefully Train will stop with all the subtle innuendo, and just get straight to the point and name their next album "Seriously Everybody, We're Fucking Gay."

7. Linkin Park: A Thousand Suns

Linkin Park: Keeping the painfully outdated genres of Rap-Rock and Nu Metal alive since 2005. I don't remember hearing the new LP jam this year, I must not have been paying attention.




You mean to tell me those weren't they lyrics to Linkin Park's lead single this year? Meh, I doubt I was too far off.


WHAT. THE. FUCK. Okay that's it I've had it. The next time someone says "Omg I HAAATE Nickelback" to me, I'm kicking them in the dick and confiscating their Ipod and perusing their Itunes library to see if Nickelback is on there. SOMEBODY out there likes Nickelback. Otherwise these cocksuckers wouldn't have a 4x platinum album every fucking year. Closet Nickelback fans give Westboro Baptist Church members a run for their money in the "Completely Useless Human Beings that Should be Run Over by oncoming traffic" department.

5. Owl City: Ocean Eyes

? (Consults Google Search Engine/Wikipedia for description of why "Owl City" blows)

"Owl City is an American Synthpop musical project...Influences are disco and European Electronic Music."

So...techno meets the Bee Gee..?

(Consults Youtube, looks up Owl City's hit single "Fireflies")

Ah. so you meant "Some sad pussy sings about his feelings in autotune while playing a synth keyboard in his room" Why didn't you just say so?

4. Jack Johnson: To The Sea.

If you're looking for sensitive acoustic surfer jams to set the mood with that special hippie chick in your life, Jack Johnson is your man. If you're looking for rock however, search elsewhere. God, Jack Johnson sucks. I have a bitter personal hatred with this dickhead due to the fact that he got big right around the start of my college years. He was the go-to "chill background music" for every dorm room activity. Hearing that fucking "da da, da da,...da da" song or "upside down" again would probably cause me to go on a murderous rampage immediately. If I ever run into that surf-rock jackoff in public, our encounter will probaby go something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvR6d08L3nc

3. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Soundtrack)

Ok what in the shit is going on here? Have we really reached the point where two of the top 10 rock albums of the year are soundtracks to some stupid teenage vampire romance flick? The soundtrack to this fucking lame movie obviously reads like a who's who of the day 1 SXSW lineup. So a bunch of shitty emo-hipster bands strumming 3 chords and banging away on pianos till your ears bleed. Kill me please. I think we should start making our Guantanamo Bay prisoners lister to the Twilight soundtrack on loop. THAT would be a form of torture worthy of being deemed a human rights violation.

2. Norah Jones: The Fall

On the list of "most boring activities known to man," watching paint dry and knitting are a distant 2nd and 3rd respectively, to listening to a Norah Jones CD. Norah Jones is the mayor of Boringtown, USA. She's like Sarah McClachlan on Ambien. I have no idea how the hell she has a career. Her dad used to play sitar for The Beatles, and apparently because of this now the whole world has to listen to this lame jazz balladeer's shitty music. She fucking blows. Obviously since her music sounds like the soundtrack to an elevator ride she won like a billion Grammys at some point, and is critically acclaimed. So now Whole Foods shoppers who enjoy the smell of their own farts love blasting her jams at dinner parties while discussing art. All this is fine, but how the hell did she get on the "Rock" charts? Snoreah Jones is less rocking than a book club meeting. Send her back to the "Estrogen Piano Jazz" charts immediately.

1. John Mayer: Battle Studios

John fucking Mayer had the number one "Rock" album in 2010? Are you kidding me? He has a duet with Taylor Swift on this album. That is the only thing that could conceivably be less rocking than a Coldplay Christmas single. He also obviously has his requisite shitty cover of "Crossroads" on here to maintain his rock cred. "Look at me I'm John Mayer! I'm a blues guitarist! I make constipated faces while playing shitty guitar solos!" I can't wait for next year's album featuring a hit duet with Norah Jones, 12 other shitty ballads, and one random Stevie Ray Vaughan cover. What a dipshit. I don't care how many hot actresses he bangs, John Mayer will never be a rock star, and he needs to give up the act already. You people need to stop buying his CDs and funding this bullshit. If you're a chick and you buy John Mayer CDs, whatever. You have feelings and have no control over your natural disposition towards crappy music. No guy should own a fucking John Mayer CD though. If you're a dude with a John Mayer CD in your car however, just go ahead and neuter yourself at your earliest convenience. This fucktard passed his expiration date 3 shitty soft rock albums ago. Seriously John Mayer...that's enough.

Anyways, next week I'll be kicking off 2011 with a brand new set of Bands That Suck Balls. Hopefully next year I will eventually run out of candidates for the feature, and some new Rad bands will arise. That's wishful thinking though. Maybe the music biz should make it their New Years resolution to break ONE semi-Rad band into the mainstream in 2011. I don't think that's too much for an angry old man to ask for.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Rad Jam.

Christmas is nearly upon us, and few things are less in the spirt of Christmas than writing angry profane rants about how terrible a band's music is, and the fact that you openly wished they would perish in a plane crash. Christmas is about spreading glad tidings and cheer. Christmas is about overlooking the fact that you generally don't like someone or something, and learning to tolerate them for the month of December. During Christmas we sometimes have to take an introspective look at some of the harsh things we've said over the course of the year, and acknowledge that perhaps we made a mistake in making some of those statements. In the spirit of the holiday season, I decided to look back at a band that I once described as the worst band in all of rock music: COLDPLAY. I hope Coldplay and their loyal fans can also join me in this Xmas spirit in forgiving the mean things I once said about them. I took a closer look at their music and now realize that Coldplay is totally Rad. I am now willing to take back those harsh statements and give credit where credit is due to this Rad band and their indisputable talent. Starting with 2010'a official Rad Christmas Jam: Coldplay's CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.



Ok cmon guys. Did you really think I was serious? Can you think of anything in the entire world that is LESS Rad than a new Coldplay Christmas song? I mean don't get me wrong, lots of Rad dudes record Christmas singles. Clay Aiken, Michael Bolton, Josh Groban. You know, guys that are just the definition of Rock and Roll. Coldplay's 2010 holiday jam however, doesn't even live up to the standards of these yuletide badasses. If Celine Dion and Barry Manilow recorded a Christmas duet with Kenny G on the Alto sax, it would be more Rad than this song. This song is not even Rad enough to be the theme song to an ABC Family Xmas flick starring John Stamos, Melissa Joan-Hart, and the cast of "Touched by an Angel." Coldplay was nice enough to not only release this totally non-Rad Christmas jam, but also provide us with an accompanying music video that is drenched in lamesauce.

The song/video starts out in standard Coldplay fashion with a soft melodic piano intro that is jacked straight from the start of "Forrest Gump." Except there is nothing nearly as badass as a floating feather involved. Instead we see the four members of Coldplay lying on the floor next to each other staring up at the stars. This is basically a standard Rad Saturday evening in December for the boys of C-Play. The guys all snuggled up on the floor next to each other in their PJs and sleeping bags. The aroma of hot cocoa fills the air while the Coldplay boys bro it up and engage in heated argument over whether they're on Team Jacob or Team Edward in the Twilight debate. Next thing we know lead singer Chris Martin has floated up off the floor and taken his place at his piano while the curtain of a stage opens up on the rest of the band. The stage resembles the set of an elementary school holiday pageant. This is appropriate since this song features less talent and Radness than my December 1993 performance of "The Nutcracker" with the rest of Mrs. Boswell's 3rd grade class.

Once the curtain opens the jam session really takes full flight. All of a sudden we've got a lot more than C-Mart's droning Forrest Gump piano going on. Some acoustic guitar strumming kicks in courtesy of Coldplay's master of the six-string, who is wearing his trademark railroad conductor hat. I'm not entirely sure why he rocks this accessory, other than to emphasize the fact that after the show the other three members of Coldplay will be running a train on his butthole. The bassist just kinda dances around, while the drummer sits looking solemn and doing nothing other than to tap a cymbal once a minute. Since nobody else is really doing anything, Chris Martin than steps to the forefront and starts standing and waving his arms like a messiah as he usually does while Coldplay's trademark confetti starts to fall (yaaay!!). Then we cut to a boat where a bunch of people release multi-colored ballons from a boat (yaaaay!!). The fireworks start to go off in the night sky over the river in London town (yaaaay!!). Amidst all this obviously a string orchestra (dressed as Elvis..?) and Christmas choir jump in for maximum Radness factor. I'm not entirely sure what the deal is with Coldplay and all these theatrics? It's like they're always trying to turn each performance into the world's gayest New Years ball dropping ceremony (pun intended).

Thankfully after a little more than a four minute journey to Lametown, UK Coldplay's epic Christmas anthem ends with the curtain closing and turning to a view from a London bridge overlooking the city lights, while a few more fireworks go off. Awww. :) If you're left wondering if you just watched a rock music video or the closing credits of "Love Actually," you're not the only one. The only thing that you can be left certain of upon the conclusion of "Christmas Lights," is that Coldplay has closed out 2010 cementing their place as the least Rad rock band in the world. Thanks again guys. I can't wait for your rocking Valentines Day single in two months: "Hearts Aglow." Until then, enjoy these last couple days of hectic last minute Christmas shopping without murdering anyone in the mall. When you're sitting down to Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow night with all your relatives you pretend to tolerate, there will be an a actual Rad Yuletide jam waiting for you.

Monday, December 20, 2010

You're Like the John Wooden of Synchronized Swimming

Today, as I do every Monday, I spent the morning watching Sportscenter six times in a row to ensure I got the maximum amount of analysis regarding this Sunday's NFL action. In between showing highlights of DeSean Jackson's game winning punt return 1,024 times, and discussing all of the various playoff scenarios, ESPN briefly shifted their attention outside of the gridiron. Apparently yesterday the University of Connecticut rolled through Ohio St. to win their 88th consecutive game in some sport known as women's collegiate basketball. If you do some research you will find that women's NCAA basketball is kind of similar to men's NCAA basketball, except that nobody can dunk or dribble the ball between their legs. So basically it's like watching middle school hoops with sports bras. I didn't really pay too much attention to this brief digression from NFL football analysis, until they showed and analyzed the post-game conference commentary of the dipshit pictured to the left: UCONN women's head coach Geno Auriemma.

When the UCONN Lady Huskies won that 88th straight game last night they "tied" the mark set by the 1960s era UCLA Bruins coached by John Wooden (more on this later). Since this was considered a somewhat impressive achievement there was slightly more media coverage given to a regular season girls basketball game than usual. Being well aware of this, their fucktard coach Geno decided to hop on his soapbox and go on some incomprehensible rant about gender roles in sports in the post-game press conference. Highlights of his whinefest below.

"The reason everybody is having a heart attact the last four or five days is a bunch of women are threatening to break a men's record, and everybody is all up in arms about it."

"All the miserable bastards that follow men's basketball and don't want us to break the record are all here because they're pissed."

"Because we're breaking a men's record, we've got a lot of people paying attention. If we were breaking a women's record everybody would go: Aren't those girls nice, lets give them two paragraphs in USA Today, you know, give them one line on the bottom of ESP and then lets send them back where they belong...in the kitchen"

Jesus Christ. Are you kidding me? What the fuck is this lunatic talking about? I'm perfectly content with you leading a team of ladies to your cute little "milestones" Geno but if you're gonna offer a bunch of insane in-depth analysis of how gender affects our perception of sports records, you gonna just stick a cork in it.There are so many things wrong with this guys's crybaby rant, I could spend all day taking it apart. I will do my best however, to address each ridiculous statement as briefly as possible.

(A) "Everybody is having a heart attack over the past four or five days...."

Um What..? Where exactly are these masses of people having triple bypass procedures as a result of your team setting this record? I haven't had any recent conversations about sports with my buddies where somebody said "Dude if the UCONN women get to 88 straight wins I WILL LOSE MY SHIT!" I haven't seen any heated debates over the last couple weeks on "Around the Horn," "PTI," or any other sports debate forum re: what an outrage it will be if UCONN sets this "record." Nobody outside of Connecticut residents and butch 4th grade girls who still have WNBA aspirations pays any attention to you. You could not be more insignificant. Stop giving yourself so much credit Geno. I worry about what's going on in the world of women's college hoops about as often as I check in on who's been eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars."

(B) "All the miserable bastards that follow mens bball and don't want us to break the record are here because they're pissed.

No actually all those pissed off faces you see as you look into the crowd of this press conference belong to guys that are infuriated that they are being forced to cover women's basketball. Women's basketball fucking sucks balls. Being forced to watch an entire girls hoops game and then write an article where you pretend like you just witnessed the highest echelon of athletic competition is miserable. Sportswriters that get forced to cover lady hoops are guys that pissed off their editor, or are not yet high enough up on the newsroom totem pole to get assigned to cover real sports. Believe me I know. I used to work for my campus paper and was assigned to cover women's sports after bitching a few too many times to my editor about my lack of football assignments and/or showing up drunk and late to staff meetings. Even the guys working for major news outlets like ESPN in that room are their low-end guys that are just paying their dues till they get the chance to cover Mens hoops. Don't think major writers with a grudge are randomly making the effort to come cover regular season UCONN Lady Huskies games just to spite you.

(C) "Because we're breaking a MEN'S RECORD...we've got a lot of people paying attention"

Actually Geno you're not breaking a "men's record." That would require you coaching ..you know..."MEN'S BASKETBALL." Which you certainly don't. This is the most infuriating part of all this. Since when did the UCONN women "tie" a men's record for consecutive wins? We're talking two completely different levels/classifications of collegiate sports. If a Division I-AA football coach at Montana makes a run at Bear Bryant's record for national championships, would we start comparing the Grizzlies program to Alabama? NO. So why the fuck are we putting the modern UCONN women's program in the same sentence as the legendary UCLA men's program of the 1960s. I know what your rebuttal is to that statement. Well they're both the same LEVEL of competition. All Division I basketball programs should be judged by the same standard regardless of gender. That's retarded.

If one faction of a sport involves inferior athletes and a lower level of competition why should it not be judged by a separate standard from its superior counterpart? Coaching wiz Geno Auriemma happens to coach at one of the few schools that happens to give a shit about lady hoops, to the point that they fund it almost on par with a men's hoops program. I mean what programs does he really have to "compete" against on the court on a yearly basis? Maybe two..? (Tennessee and Stanford come to mind, that's about it). This applies in recruiting also, since any five star recruit women's hoopster pretty much has to go to UCONN. It's nothing like men's hoops where there are at least 20 consistently powerful college programs and 20 others barely on the outside clawing tooth and nail to grab this year's star freshman phenoms. Where there's a bunch of other programs with long-tenured legendary coaches to compete against. Completely different playing field that deserves to have its own separate group of records.

Anyways tonight UCONN will probably take down Florida St. for it's "Record 89th straight win." Then they'll prob reel of another 40 wins after that. Who cares? I don't. And no other self-respecting sports fan will either. No matter how many basketball records UCONN and Auriemma break, and no matter how large the margin between them and number two, I will never mention them in the same breath as a legendary men's hoops program/coach. So Geno should probably save his breath and stop bitching and moaning about who hates his success, and hates UCONN surpassing men's milestones. Because in order for somebody to hate UCONN"s success, they'd have to actually give their sport the time of day, which...newsflash..nobody does. So enjoy your lofty perch at the top of the lady hoops rankings Geno. Maybe after tomorrow your "legendary sports program" can move up from being relegated to ESPN 2 coverage with Rece Davis.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Saturday Night Rad Jam

Apologies are in order for withholding your standard Friday afternoon dose of Radness. The holidays are a hectic time in between Christmas shopping, shoveling snow, and staying drunk enough to tolerate your relatives. Sometimes your inconsiderate mother simply doesn't understand you can't clear the driveway right now because you have an obligation to give the masses their weekly Rad entertainment. Especially when you have been listening to nothing but shitty Christmas jams on your FM dial all week. So I guess I had to really do my part and give you an excess of awesomeness with my choice for this week's Rad jam entry, which I've tried my best to do. Without further ado, I give you a special Saturday Night Rad Jam courtesy of LYNYRD SKYNYRD.

Lynyrd Skynyrd personifies everything that is totally rad about America. Freedom, being ignorant, excess, a 24 hour party. Think of anything awesome associated with the 50 nifty United States (especially those located below the Mason Dixon line) and Skynyrd's got it covered. Lets start by placing emphasis on the excess factor. Most bands throughout history were content to have one guitarist in the group. Or maybe two guitarists with one designated the lead guitarist and one in charge of rhythm guitar duties. Yeah Lynyrd Skynyrd has four to five lead guitarists and approximately 27 guys on stage at any given time. This is fucking America chief where everything is super sized, and our rock and roll groups are no exception. I mean clearly you've got to maximize your potential for as many Rad guitar solos as possible. You might even need to layer 12 seperate solos into one massive super epic 7 minute Rad solo to close out a song, although that is a Rad jam for another day.

Lynyrd Skynyrd is known for being the band that created their own Rad genre of music: Southern Rock. Some might say that the Allman Brothers Band started Southern Rock, but they were basically a blues rock jam band that happened to be from Georgia. Lynyrd Skynyrd made rocking out in the name of Dixie a brand. Good ol' fashioned jukebox rock and roll about drinking whiskey, shooting guns, and getting into bar brawls over chicks. Lynyrd Skynyrd were the proudest rednecks you've ever met and didn't give two shits what your opinion was of their Confederate flag waving ways.

Lynyrd Skynyrd was fronted of course by legendary Rad redneck dude Ronnie Van Zandt. Ronnie is most well known for his feud with Neil Young over whether or not Southerners were ignorant assholes which of course birthed "Sweet Home Alabama" the most overplayed classic rock song in history along with Hotel California. "Sweet Home Alabama" isn't a bad song but too often it's the only Skynyrd song people know, which sucks because Ronnie wrote a billion Rad jams that are way better than it (like this week's jam). Of course since the music gods are total assholes, Ronnie perished in a plane crash at the height of the band's popularity, and the guys have never been the same. There are people that still go to see "Lynyrd Skynyrd" in concert today, but I'm not one of them. Skynyrd is not Skynyrd without RVZ behind the mic. I refuse to go support an imitation Skynyrd outfit fronted by some guy from 38 special that jams with that asshole Kid Rock. Modern Skynyrd totally tarnishes the Rad legacy that the true Skynyrd forged back in the day.

Anyways, just because Lynyrd Skynyrd were a bunch of Rad redneck dudes, didn't mean their music didn't occasionally have a message. Not some agenda like fucktard Bono would have about donating money to Africa or being eco-friendly. No, Skynyrd preached lessons that could actually be applied in the everyday lives of Rad Skynyrd fans. Like the one in this week's rad Jam: Saturday Night Special. This song is about the dangers of being an irresponsible owner of a firearm, namely getting too drunk on cheap bourbon and pointing your six shooter at someone or shooting yourself. Enjoy your Saturday night folks, and keep this song's message in the back of your head. If you're gonna booze tonight keep your firearm at home, cus that shit ain't good for nothin' cept' put a man six feet in a hole.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: TOOL

As I've mentioned before, there was once a time many moons ago when the key to becoming a great rock band was the ability to make good music. Nowadays of course that is not the case and bands must focus on other areas of their craft in order to make a name for themselves and attract a buzz in the industry. They could come up with some ambiguous dipshit hipster name for their band that sticks in your head. They could have some weird elaborate live show where their lead singer comes out in a bubble or rainbow colored confetti falls from the sky. Or they could write an annoyingly catch jingle that gets in a phone commercial. If your band however, is made up of a group of dark, brooding artsy farty weirdos, the above options are not really up your alley. You would likely have to turn to another forum to attract attention to your band and mask the fact that your music blows cock. Like say...the music video. If your band can make some abstract "conceptual" music video for your band's shitty single that gets people to debate how to properly interpret the clip, you can draw people to your music and make it big. Perhaps no band is a better example of this than this week's Band That Sucks Balls: TOOL.

I'm just gonna go ahead and get the world's most obvious punchlines out of the way and say that Tool are in fact a collection of Tools and if you listen to this shitbag band you are a Tool. Done. Now that we've taken care of that we can delve into deeper analysis of why Tool sucks balls. If you look above you will notice that this is the first time A BTSB entry has not featured an accompanying picture of the group of fucktards being shat upon. That is because few people could tell you what the members of Tool look like. Remember how back in the day bands all had some sort of unique "look" to them, that distinguised them from lesser rock gods? Top hats, crazy multi-colored kimono onesies, ruffled shirts, boots, leather pants etc? You know, a rad wardrobe that us common folk couldn't pull off at our cubicle even on Casual Friday? Yeah well not only does Tool not have a "look" to them, they make the effort to keep private what exactly they look like at all costs. They don't appear on the cover of their albums or in their music videos. Why do they do this? They want people to "appreciate their music" rather than just be drawn to the personalities of the band members.

WTF? Aren't rock stars supposed to have personalities? Isn't that part of what makes us idolize them? What a crock of self-righteous bullshit. Clearly these douchebags have no personality, and if people had to judge them based solely on the merit of watching them play their shitty music, they would never earn a dime. So they chose instead to gather a following by releasing uniquely creepy music videos featuring claymation animation or some form of dark abstract art. The imagery in their "groundbreaking" music video for the song "Sober" is literally described as "evil little men dwelling in a dungeon with meat coursing through pipes in the wall." Jesus Christ. Doesn't that clip just sound like a fucking Sunday afternoon at Six Flags? I can think of nothing less rock and roll than the term "sober" attached to a 10 minute visual jorney through a dark dungeon with clay monsters. If you're gonna make "concept" rock music videos that don't involve live performance shots or partying, at least make it a cool concept. Like say..renegades on the run driving through the desert, a bank robbery spree, or some sort of intergalactic warfare. Not the nightmare of a dying meth addict directed by Tim Burton.

I don't even know how to begin to describe the audio diarrhea that is Tool's music. I mean Nine Inch Nails is basically Motown compared to these gloomy jackoffs. Tool is kind of like the more depressing bastard son of grunge minus guitar solos. There's an ominous bassline on loop, some grinding guitar and some asshole repetitively banging a death march beat on the drums. Over all of this some nutcase that escaped from the asylum sings upbeat lyrics that cover standard rock and roll topics like transcendance, human psychology, and spirituaity. Like the wrist-slitting prose shown belowL

"I know the pieces fit...cause I watched them fall away...mildewed and smoldering"

"I will find a center in you..I will chew it up and leave..I will work to elevate you..just enough to bring you down."

"There's release in this sodomy..for I am your winess that...blood and flesh can be trusted."

Few things make me want to bang my head and pump my fist like songs about mildew covered pieces smoldering away, and chewing people's centers to bring them down. You might be asking yourself, "wait, was that last set of lyrics about sodomy..?" Well yes of course it is, didn't you recognize it from Tool's classic rock anthem "Prison Sex?" (Jail ass rape: more somewhat abnormal rock and roll subject matter..). Also does anybody else notice that Tool's lyrics don't actually rhyme? Isn't that kind of a prerequisite for songwriting? Not when you're the lead singer of Tool and don't actually..you know..."sing." Tool's singer just recites his depressingly angry poetry in a slow monotone voice until the "hook" where he screams like Hitler closing out a stirring public address.

Tool has a large cult following of people who claim that Tool is amazing live. I find that hard to believe. A Tool concert must be weird as shit. I kinda picture the audience looking like the masked ball scene pre-orgy in "Eyes Wide Shut." A bunch of weirdos stading solemnly in silence while Tool bangs out their ominous doom and gloom grunge jams. Does the band actually come out or does the crowd just get to watch a giant screen showing claymation people being tortured in a dungeon while Tool rocks out behind the curtain? Whatever, I don't plan to ever find out for myself. Tool's music sucks, and their videos blow, so it seems only logical that their live show would also be about as enjoyable as a colonoscopy. I long for the days when MTV actually showed music videos. However, if showing music videos means giving these dickheads a forum for their shittastic Alt-Prog-Grunge noise again, you can just keep showing Jersey Shore re-runs till hell freezes over.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Social Network DoucheBaggery Vol. 12

Well it's mid-December which means most of you are likely getting your end of the year break from whatever you do to occupy your time. Maybe you're HALFWAY DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL!! YAAAAAAYYY!! :). Maybe you're taking a holiday break from your uber important entry level position and accompanying RIDIC workload. Regardless, with your newfound free time you will undoubtedly have more time than ever to surf the social network scene and update the world on every mundane detail of your daily existence. So today I'm going to preemptively address all the general Facebook/G-Chat status/comment dipshitness that I will soon encounter on my newsfeed. Having already addressed the different classifications of shitbag people that I take note of on Facebook, I will now be addressing the specifically retarded social networking behavior that gives me the urge to roundhouse kick infants. Without further ado I give you your end of year list of Social Network douchebaggery that pisses me off.

1. LOL people
One of the first signs you're old is when you start to hate modern slang. Amongst the jive talk kids use these days, "LOL" is one of the ones that really grinds my gears. Let me start by saying that my friends and I are fucking hilarious. You may not realize it because you're boring or were born without a sense of humor, but everything we say is utterly hysterical and worth a hearty chuckle. That being said, we don't use the term "LOL" everytime something moderately humorous is said. Or everytime we note something amusing in our daily routine. Or everytime anything somewhat strange occurs. We're not jackoffs. This is not however, true of most of you dipshits out there on the interwebs.

Look it's ok to use "lol" every once in a while. Or once a day if you're a girl. Sometimes people say things that make us guffaw out loud and spit out our coffee. Not ALL THE FUCKING TIME though. Everytime you agree with somebody's status on Facebook you don't need to comment with an LOL!! There's now way you were laughing at an audible volume at some cunt's moderately amusing observation about your kooky criminal law professor. Now there are even people that apparently laugh out loud to themselves and post a status about it. "I guess all this time away from home has made me unable to cook anymore lol." That observation about your missteps in the kitchen was not worth a hearty laugh. Maybe if you actually had an appreciation for things that are legitimately funny you wouldn't be laughing audibly at so many curious daily occurences you stupid twat.

2. !!!!!!!!
In continuing with the theme of exaggerated reactions, at some point people decided they couldn't show their approval of something on the web without yelling it. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY!! HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!" Shut the fuck up. You have not talked to "Jenny" all fucking year other than a casual hello in the hallway once in March. You are not that excited about her birthday, and could in fact give less than two shits about how her day pans out. Of course the internet allows us to hide how we really feel about people, so why not be fake and exaggerate how much joy you feel for your common acquaintance's birthday? One that you would never remember without that handy Facebook reminder in the upper right corner of your screen. If people make a sarcastic or ironic comment about something, they also feel the need to use exclamation points to emphasize the fact that they are being facetious.

Twatbox 1: Having the best Friday evening with my two favorite people in the world :)

Whore Friend: That's not possible!! I'm not there with you!! LOL!! (Twatbox 1 "likes" this)

Jesus Christ. Have you ever heard of deadpan humor? You know...saying something funny without alerting the world you're trying to be witty? It's a lost art form, you should try it sometime.

3. (717): I did something moderately abnormal while intoxicated.
Since people long ago lost the ability to be clever and witty on their own, they had to resort to quoting other people to provide humor to their 7,743 "friends" on Facebook. Generally this was done by posting unfunny comments that their friends made during an average g-chat convo. Sometimes however, the whole day has passed and you and your shitbag friends have not discussed anything remotely funny. So what do you do to provide your hilarious post of the day to your social network. Texts From Last Night. TFLN came out and at first it was a hilarious concept. Everybody gets drunk and sends funny texts, or sends funny texts the morning after entailing what disastrous situation they'd awoken to. So these TFLN entries were a funny time wasting site at work/school. Then of course you assholes ruined it by posting a different TFLN entry as your status EVERY day. Ok we get it, this is totally you and your bro/whore trainwreck friends. LOL. Enough. TFLN also started to get less funny, with more entries describing pretty standard occurences, which of course didn't stop you asshats from posting them.

(717): So I just bought wine at 3 pm on a Tuesday in sweatpants and a Cubs jersey.

(540): You came home, made Easy Mac and fell asleep on the couch with the bowl in your lap.

CRAAAAAAZY!!! These are clearly chapters straight out of Motley Crue's life on the road book. Next you'll post that hilarious text re: the time you guys woke up...with a hangover..and couldn't find one of your shoes..LMAO!!

4. Dear Retard, Nobody fucking cares. Signed everyone.
People on facebook of course love to tell people about the horrendous obstacles they face at work, school or on public transportation each day. Simply telling people about your miserable experience (or idk..just telling your 2 BFFs that care..) is not the way Facebook fucktards roll though. Nobody wants to just post a status that reads "Today I had a tough day at work." That's not clever at all. Instead people write fucking hypothetical letters to people they have issues with, or often times to inanimate objects.

"Dear Partner, I need to get out of here by 6 to make my dinner reservation so if you could stop wasting time and finalize this brief so I can fle it and get the eff out of here that'd be great. Kthanks."

"Dear Houston weather, I don't appreciate you deciding to drop an impromptu thunderstorm on me AFTER I already came to work without my umbrella. Signed, Jason."

Dear dickhead,
If you have a problem with your boss wasting time on a project or your professor keeping you longer than usual in class, tell them in person. I'm sure they would be fucking thrilled to hear what you think. Or you could make the smart decision and keep your opinion to yourself and not share it to the world. And the weather is not gonna change to your convenience because of a letter you write unless you have God's address. So please shut your trap. Nobody cares.
Signed, The Lawn.

5. Just a rhetorical question for the masses. Talk amongst yourselves.
Another group of complete and utter cock gobblers whose existence I cure on a daily basis. Fucking rhetorical question people. These people like to attract attention to themselves on the ol' Fbook by posting some sort of idiotic rhetorical question to either start a comment thread discussion or a bunch of "likes" validating their shitbag opinion. These can either be news-related or regarding another one of the horrors they faced during their miserable day.

"Am I the only one who thinks Republicans just approved the worst tax plan ever?" (Huffington Post article attached).

"Is it me or does the subway only break down on Friday afternoons...?"

Yes it's only you. Why not send an e-mail to your closest liberal friends discussing the latest Senate goings on? Or text one of your fellow metro train riders who can relate to your experience? I'm sure they will be willing to either validate your opinion or tell you you're all alone on this one. The rest of us, give less than a fuck.

6. Emotional Soapbox
I have no problem with people bringing attention to a good cause. Post a "Race for the cure" link. Support cancer awareness. Say you're taking donations at a certain street corner Saturday. Whatever. Fine. Don't however, fucking write a rant about "a cause close to your heart." Or something that "is really disheartening." I don't need two paragraphs describing the debilitating disease you're trying to raise money to fight. You don't need to provide an essay about how many people are homeless in this country. I remember when the Ellen "It gets better" campaign came out about kids getting bullied. Yeah ok that's sad. Simply post the link and say "This is powerful." Instead people wrote a rambling rant (much like this one) about how disheartening and tragic bullying is and how everyone NEEDS to watch this clip or they're a horrible person. Shut up. Oh you watched a fucking episode of the Ellen DeGeneres show and grew a conscience. Im sure you were SOOO concerned about these tragic occurences last week. Stop trying to pull at my heart strings via Facebook, I'm perfectly content being a selfish immoral Scrooge who doesn't care about other people's misfortunes.

7. @ O'Malley's Pub and Grill
There is apparently this new feature on Facebook called "Four Square" where people can constantly update the world on where they are with a click on their blackberry. I'm not even gonna dignify this ridiculous trend with a paragraph. If you're telling the world where you are at all times, nobody in the world was interested enough to ask. Fuck off.

8. FML
Jesus Christ, these people need to have their nuts laid on a dresser and beaten with a spiked bat by Method Man. For those of you who have been living under a rock, or simply don't subscribe to kids and their stupid modern jargon, FML means "Fuck My Life." It's a quick way of saying that something that happened to you made you realize that you live a miserable existence. Of course, nobody uses the term FML in a proper context. If you're gonna say "FML" something horrific better have taken place. Like "My grandmother passed away one day before I got home to see her. FML" Or even to a lesser extent: "I was driving to my court hearing and got in a car accident. FML" If you however encounter a minor inconvenience, or have to deal with some sort of small criticism this is not FML worthy.

"I went to buy wine at the store and the clerk didn't even ID me. Guess law school has really aged me. FML"

"Staying late at work on the night of my best friend's birthday. FML."

BOO FUCKING HOO. Oh my god you don't get ID'd for booze anymore. What a fucking tragedy. Your youth has officially passed you by!!! :( Your job is making you work this evening rather than letting you go take SoCo and lime shots with your bestie? NO FUCKING WAY. What a crime against humanity!!! I thought those malnourished children in Ethiopia had fucked lives, but no you have a far more horrendous existence. Fuck YOUR life. If this is the only complaint you have about your life, you have got it pretty sweet. So please spare us the everyday FML commentary. Or take the term FML more literally and fucking kill yourself already. I'll provide the gun!! LOL. :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sunday Evening Rad Flick

I'm gonna lay out a movie plotline for you. A young girl tragically loses her family. With nowhere else to go she turns to her neighbor who lives alone next door for a place to stay. He takes the child into his home and raises her like his own. She cooks, cleans and teaches her illiterate caretaker how to read in return. They develop a relationship akin to any single father and daughter. At this point you're like ok...stop right here. This sounds like the lamest movie ever and probably stars Miley Cyrus or Amanda Bynes as an abandoned teen girl beaing raised by Greg Kinnear. BOOOWRING. Why on earth are you recommending this shitty family drama? Well if you'd let me finish I was just about to mention that this movie involves badass mob hitmen, corrupt drug addled DEA agents, and some of the Raddest shootout scenes ever recorded on film. Sound a little more intriguing than you first thought huh? I give you this week's Sunday Evening Rad Flick: Leon The Professional.

Leon The Professional is a fucking Rad action flick. It's actually a French film (directed by Nikita's Luc Besson) that happens to feature English dialogue and an entire cast of badass (but relatively B-list) Hollywood actors. I think you can safely say this is the most badass movie with the words "French Film" attached to its description. The movie's main character is Frenchman Leon', a "Cleaner" (assassin) for the Italian mob in New York City. We find out pretty early that he is the best at what he does and there is no cleaning job too complex for him to handle. Unfortunately, Leon doesn't have much of a life outside of whacking guys named Vinny who owe his boss money, unless you consider tending to your houseplants and watching Gene Kelly flicks on TCM an active social lifestyle (i.e. you're a cat owner). That is until he meets his neighbor Matilda, a rebellious 5th grader that smokes cigs in the hallway, swears, skips school and generally hates her life. Matilda is played by a smoking hot 12 year old Natalie Portman (NBC's "To Catch a Predator"...I'm fucking joking), before her days of listening to The Shins and making shitty hipster romance flicks with Zach Braff. Leon and his young neighbor immediately hit it off as fellow loners.

Since Matilda's daddy is a deadbeat shithead, he is deeply in debt to people that are not to be fucked with. When he runs out of time on one debt in particular, a dirty DEA agents on the take show up to his front door to collect. By "collect" I mean they kick in the door and brutally murdering Matilda's entire fam in broad daylight as punishment for failing to make the payment. Luckily for Matilda she's out at the store during this ordeal and upon seeing police tape around her apartment seeks refuge at Leon the hitman's apartment across the hall. She tells him the story and he lets her temporarily (so he thinks) stay at his crib. After a few days they come to a compromise. She agrees to help around the house, do the grocery shopping etc. In exchange Leon' will let Matilda stay in the apt. and will train her to be a "cleaner" so that she can eventually avenge her family's murders. He starts to take her along on his jobs and teaches her to use each item in his arsenal of rad firearms, starting with small pistols and sniper rifles. Unfotunately this backfires when Matilda takes matters into her own hands a little early, complicating matters for her and Leon.' I won't give away any more.

Anyways, the key to any Rad action flick about the battle between good and evil is often a totally psychotic Rad villain. While people these days know Gary Oldman for his role as good guy Commissioner Gordon in the Batman flicks, generally you'd be hard pressed to find an actor that portrays a totally Rad bad guy as well as Gary Oldman. Think Dracula, True Romance, and most recently The Book of Eli to name a few. Oldman's evil tour de force however, is The Professional. In this flick he plays crackhead nutball Stansfield a dirty DEA agent that's gone way over the edge and is a total lunatic. Stansfield absolutely gives less than a fuck. He's in it for number 1 and will off anybody that crosses him or puts him in a bind, be they man, woman, child or grandma. Stansfield gets hyped for fucking people up by listening to...Beethoven. Yeah I know, most people got fired up for high school basketball by listening to DMX, so this seems like a curious choice. Somehow when you're bat-shit insane though, Ol' Ludwig Van B. does the trick in inspiring you to start spraying bullets every which way. Below is a clip that shows Stansfield at his diabolical best, jamming out to symphonies, firing shotguns, and then sitting down to a nice chat about how he picks his work jams. It's totally Rad.

If you're looking for your standard cookie cutter generic action flick go check out the newest 90 minutes of cinematic excrement from Nicolas Cage or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. If you want to watch a totally Rad and unique action drama however, check out Leon' The Professional. It fucking rocks. Trust me Stansfield in all his psychotic glory, and his Beethoven tapes makes it worth it alone.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam:

I'm heading out on the road this weekend so obviously I had to load up my car stereo with a Rad assortment of road trip jams to keep me occupied for a couple of days. This is quite the exhaustive process, especially if you're like me and you don't have an Ipod car dock to make a sweet highway playlist. No, I have to actually select 4-5 CDs that I know are packed with Rad jams from beginning to end that don't require hitting me the skip button while I'm cruising the interstates. When it comes to road trip jams you have to go with classic rock, and generally a selection of greatest hits CDs where you can literally sing along to every single track. In my opinion the best road trip music comes courtesy of the artist responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers over the course of the last 30 years or so, have probably been the most consistent Rad band in rock n' roll. I mean there were other bands with a more impressive prime. Or more classic albums. Few however, have sustained their careers quite like TP and the Heartbreakers. They've been putting out Rad jams for three decades now. Tom Petty may not release entire CDs of classic material on par with say an "Exile on Main St." or "Zeppelin IV," but every CD they have released has at least one or two totally classic Rad jams. So when you put together the very best of their discography onto one album, you have a whole string of Rad jams in a row. There is seriously not one bad song on the Tom Petty Greatest hits anthology. You can throw invest a couple bucks in the jukebox and play the album in its entirety, and nobody in the bar will complain. Everybody loves Tom Petty and knows all the words to each of his classic Rad jams. If you're a red blooded American and DON'T like Tom Petty, you might as well openly admit you hate BBQs, football and apple pie and support Al Qaueda.

Just like you can't NOT enjoy Tom Petty's greatest hits anthology, it is impossible to attend a Tom Petty and not have a good time. Tom Petty live shows to this day are totally fucking Rad. This is because Tom Petty live shows have a formula and they stick to it. They know the people want to hear their 12 best songs, with a couple cool covers sprinkled in, some jamming and maybe their new single. They don't try to play you a whole bunch of obscure material or try out random tracks from their new LP. The people came to see the hits and damn it that is what Tom Petty gonna give you.

I've seen Tom Petty live multiple times and I can't say that there is extensive variation in the setlists. I mean the order changes up, and there are different covers, and different new singles with each CD's tour. For the most part however, you're getting the same reliable rock show. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. You can't beat listening to an hour and a half of absolute classic American Rock anthems with 20,000 people all singing along to every word in unison. I will be attending Tom Petty concerts in the year 2027 when they're bringing him out in a wheelchair. Just because Phish has 178,292 different variations on their setlists doesn't mean I will be checking out Trey's 3 hour jam session over a Tom Petty set anytime soon.

This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Runnin' Down a Dream, is my favorite TP & the Heartbreakers jam, and arguably the best driving song ever. I mean the lyrics to this song are just everything that embodies the start of a road trip. A beautiful day, the sun beating down, you turn the radio up and hit cruise control. And you're off to run down your dreams going wherever the road trip leads you. Enjoy your weekend folks. There's something good waiting down this road, so pick up whatever's yours.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: SLIPKNOT

Back in the day if you told people you listened to hard rock or specifically "metal," people knew you were a cool guy with great taste in music. Maybe you rocked out to AC/DC or Guns N' Roses and their Rad jams about partying and hot chicks. Or you listened to epic anthems from Iron Maiden about battles and fantasy. Or you rode the lightning with Metallica and pumped your fists to songs about obeying your master and being generally badass. Then of course music went to shit and became divided into two separate classifications, both of which were equally shittastic. You were either a totally pussified band that played soft rock jams that fired up nobody. Or you were a totally angry, dark, and gloomy band that played loud thrashing jams that gave you a migraine and would frighten away any females in earshot. The second classification was dubbed metal and more specifically "Nu Metal." Nu Metal is absolutely horrible, and if you listen to it I can only assume you molest kittens and have the severed heads of women in your freezer. Especially if you are among the masses that loyally follow this week's Band That Sucks Balls: SLIPKNOT.

Slipknot is an absolute piece of shit poor excuse for a metal band, in case you couldn't figure that out from the picture above. Jesus Christ. I'm all for dressing up your band in Rad apparel. Crazy makeup, shiny pants, spiked boots, do it up. However if your band's "look" is the world's creepiest group Halloween costume that is not Rad at all that is just frightening and fucking weird. There is nothing less rock and roll than looking like a homicidal maniac. If your rhythm section is comprised of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and the guy from "Saw" parts 1-17 chances are your music is not something I could throw on at a keg party. Rock and Roll is supposed to be fun. Rock stars are not supposed to look like people you would expect to see while being tortured in a dark rat infested basement and chained to a chair. Could you imagine taking a girl to a Slipknot concert? I seriously can think of no less female-friendly environment that a Slipknot show. Pretty sure just making the offer would make a chick run away screaming for help. Or this response:

You: "Hey I got us Slipknot tickets wanna go?"

Girl: "Umm no thanks. I'm not really in the mood to be bound and gagged in the trunk of a car. Nice knowing you."

Clearly a band that puts so much work into looking like creeptastic freak shows has no time in their schedule to actually record good music. After taking one look at these nutjobs, you can safely assume their music sucks monkey nuts. Amazingly, somehow their music is actually ten times worse than one could even imagine. There's no actual singing in a Slipknot song, the lead psycho just screams and growls incomprehensible lyrics into the microphone. Sometimes he talks in the scariest voice possible throughout the song and saves the screaming and growling for the hook. Either way it blows. There are apparently 93 members of Slipknot, and as is usually the case with shitty ensemble bands these days, more does not equal better. All the guitarists play some loud repetitive thrashing machine gun riff. The drummer just kind of bangs on two pieces of his drum kit continously. Everybody else just stands around headbanging and looking as creepy as possible.

Since I can't actually understand Slipknot's lyrics I had to do some research to find that their songs center around themes such as anger, darkness, disaffection, personal strife...and profanity. :(. Looks like a couple kids got stuffed in their lockers a few too many times and took up screaming cuss words about being all alone in this world while wearing masks. Waaah. Give me a fucking break. Who the fuck wants to listen to that? Um...apparently a lot of people. If I were to say to you "Who debuted at number 1 on the billboard 200 with their last album, and has sold 14 million records?" what would be your response. Taylor Swift? Rihanna? No. Fucking Slipknot. Are you kidding me?? These weirdballs actually have a fucking following? WTF. Who the hell listens to Slipknot and actually buys their shitty records? I mean at least other shitty bands have an obvious audience. Chicks, teenagers, frat douchebags, hipsters. Who the fuck openly likes Slipknot? Are there really millions of people out there jamming out to angry, disaffected thrash jams? That is a scary thought. We need to seriously maximize the full potential of the Patriot Act and start keeping track of purchasers of Slipknot CDs to prevent further school shootings.

Fortunately there aren't really any other psychotic thrash metal bands that have followed Slipknot's example and pursued dreams of mainstream success. So hopefully Slipknot's appeal will finally fade and we won't have to deal with many more loud angst-metal anthems. Maybe someday soon we can return to the days of metal and hard rock being associated with totally Rad party jams and epic arena anthems. Not weirdos in Halloween masks who provide the soundtrack to Rob Zombie horror flicks. Somebody get these psychotic assholes out of here and stuff them back in the high school lockers they came from.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sunday Evening Rad Flick

The College football regular season officially ended yesterday, and tonight all the bowl matchups will be finalized. There shouldn't be any surprises in the major bowl games and little controversy with Oregon and Auburn (thankfully) taking care of business and Boise St. choking on dick against Nevada. Anyways this got me thinking about my personal favorite football movies, and what the Raddest sports flick ever was. A film that really captures the highs and lows of a rollercoaster college football season, where every game could be the difference between making it to a January bowl game or playing in the Meineke Car Care bowl. A movie that doesn't sugar coat all the problems a team has to fight through each week when they're roster is overloaded with Rad dudes who are far from perfect. I give you this week's Sunday Evening Rad Flick: THE PROGRAM.

If you ask somebody what their favorite football movie is, or what the "best" football film is, you always get the same answers. "Rudy" or "Remember the Titans" is generally the standard response. Well these are the wrong answers. "Rudy" is not so much a great movie about college football as it is the story of a loser with no talent who makes people feel sorry for him and give him a spot on the Notre Dame roster. I'm pretty sure every member of The Fighting Irish that actually earned their spot on the team hated that guy. "Remember the Titans" is not really much of a football movie either. It's more a tale of bringing racial harmony to a school through the power of Motown sing-alongs. The football part of it is total bullshit. If you do your research you will find that the high school depicted in "Remember the Titans" actually won all their games by 30 point margins during the championship season they integrated their school. There were no crazy flea flickers and option passes needed to pull out hard fought victories as Disney would have you believe. These movies skim over the harsh realities of the gridiron. Off-the-field problems, steroid use, conflict in the locker room, crippling injuries. All the real obstacles that a team must face over the course of a season. These issues are brought to the forefront in The Program.

The fictional ESU Timberwolves have got to have the Raddest lineup of players ever assembled on film. It's like the directors tried to form some sort of super hybrid Rad team that was a mix of the 1990s Dallas Cowboys and 1980s Miami Hurricanes. There's hotshot freshman running back Darnell Jefferson (played by a young Omar Epps) fighting to win the starting job from preppy asshole Ray Griffen while also stealing his main squeeze Autumn (Halle Berry). There's unsung offensive lineman Bud-lite Kaminski doing the dirty work in the trenches while keeping the team loose with his goofball antics. The defense is totally badass. They are led by star linebacker Alvin Mac who strikes fear in the hearts of opponents by acting as bat-shit insane as possible while the offense is trying to get their play set up. Mac actually invents scenarios where the opposing backfield's players either raped his sister, shot his mother or sent his brother to jail so he can get in the right angry mind state to light motherfuckers up. His partner in crime is steroid freak nutjob Steve Lattimer at defensive end. Lattimer paints his face in scary warpaint for each game, and goes through life in a permanent state of roid rage (which gets him in trouble on and off the field). Mac and Lattimer's motto on defense is to "kill them all and let the paramedics sort them out."

ESU's field general in The Program is quarterback Joe Kane, a leading Heisman candidate with a chip on his shoulder. You would think life would be a fucking cakewalk for the star QB of a major college football program, but Kane has serious issues. He's got self-esteem issues thanks to coming from a family of assholes led by his shithead dad who never comes to watch him play. He hates the pressure of being a Heisman candidate. So logically he deals with all these issues as Rad dudes generally do, by hitting the Wild Turkey a little too hard. I mean honestly what team wouldn't want a hard partying boozehound behind center for them rather than some Jesus freak virgin like Tim TeBlow? That's a guy you want to go to war with. Lucky for the Timberwolves Joe Kane knows eventually when to lay off the booze and get down to business. Or as he says "Put the women and children to bed and go looking for fucking dinner." (The Program is full of Rad football quotes like this btw).

This rag tag team of Rad dudes is kept in line by Coach Sam Winters played by Sonny Corleone himself James Caan. Coach Winters is really the perfect college coach. He knows he's gotta maintain discipline and run a clean program. He also knows however, that he's gotta cut a few corners with his players in order to do whatever it takes to win. His football program is the school's leading money maker so he is gonna run his ship how he wants no matter what school officials tell him. As he tells one tightass at an academic cheating hearing "Who cares, when's the last time 70,000 people showed up to watch a kid do a damn chemistry experiment." Will this attitude lead the program to fall apart and get Coach Winters canned? Or will these head cases all get their shit together in time to make sure the team goes bowling in January? You have to check out this Rad flick yourself to find out. You won't be disappointed by the Radness of this Football film classic. If nothing else you should check out "The Program" just for the unintentional comedy factor of Epic Rad Dude Lattimer. Without giving away anymore and spoiling the flick, enjoy the attached clip of Lattimer celebrating his placement on the starting roster in his own..unique..manner.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Afternoon Rad Jam

Generally we've pretty much stuck to straight up rock anthems on the Friday Rad Jams segment, but this week we're taking in it in a different direction. Paying tribute to a collection of Rad dudes that could simultaneously make you shake your ass to dancefloor anthems while rocking your face off. These pioneers of all things funky were not only revolutionary in their own era, but also laid the foundation for some of the most classic hip-hop ever recorded. It's pretty safe to say Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg owe a huge debt of gratitude to these rad dudes for their own success. Unfortunately nowadays when we think of a modern "funk" band you think of just a grooving bassline with some dickhead whiteboy dropping some shitty rap rhymes over it. In other words, not Rad at all. Definitely not a giant fraternity of Rad dudes all jamming out on one stage together overdosing on awesomness. Not the band responsible for this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: FUNKADELIC.

Funkadelic, or Parliament Funkadelic, or P-Funk...whatever variation of the George Clinton led outfit we're discussing is completely fucking Rad. P-Funk played a genre of music that could best be described as "Psychadelic Space Funk Rock." Nowadays a band that describes their sound as a "fusion" of various genres is a group of untalented dickheads from different backgrounds that all suck balls at what they do. Like an Alt-rock country-jazz fusion indie outfit or something totally lame. Back in the day you could say that P-Funk's sound was a "fusion" of various types of music. Which is to say 20 Rad dudes got together in the studio, did a bunch of drugs and jammed out a bunch of crazy shit together until they found something that sounded awesome. Then they went out nd rocked arenas with their totally Rad live shows. In case you didn't believe P-Funks music was out of this world they did their best to change your mind every night by exiting a giant multi-colored spaceship before coming onstage (totally neccessary Rad set prop). The "Mothership" if you will. They were Rad aliens from another dimension here to preach their message of interplanetary funk to the masses.

One look at Funkadelic's crew of Rad dudes and it's not far fetched to think these guys actually were from a land far far away. I have no idea how they all decided on their Rad look, but hey I'm not complaining. The two most prominent members of the group of course are lead singer George Clinton and bassist Bootsy Collins. George Clinton is basically like if you took that crazy crackhead on your corner that screams about Jesus and his general insane views on society, threw some buckets of paint on his head, and gave him a pair of sunglasses...and then made him the frontman of a band. George Clinton is not really..good at anything..other than being Rad, but hey there's nothing wrong with that. I mean Sammy Hagar is probably a "better" singer than David Lee Roth, but I think we all know which version of Van Halen we prefer. There are no adjectives that can fully describe Bootsy Collins' look other than to say he is Rad personified. Generally he dresses head to toe in gold, silver or purple with diamonds or something shiney covering every inch of his body. Then throws on some platform shoes. Apparently at some point he decided he was a big fan of...stars. Hence the star sunglasses, star guitar, star top hat, and star rings. Whatever, when you're as Rad as Bootsy Collins you can come onstage dressed in a diaper and still be cool. (Wait...Funkadelic had another member of the band that already did that).

George Clinton and Bootsy Collins are obviously the Mick and Keith of Funkadelic, as the two most recognizable members of the group and the unquestioned engines that make this space funk train roll. Just like any other great band however, there are other unsung members of the band that are just as essential if not more important to the band's success. In the case of Funkadelic we are talking about their guitarists. Funkadelic's guitarists totally shred, which is not something you can say about many funk axe men. Eddie Hazel is their most well known guitarist, and for good reason. He was an original member and is responsible for the shred classic "Maggot Brain" which is basically the space funk version of "Eruption." Funkadelic's landmark 1978 album "One Nation Under a Groove" however, featured P-Funk replacing Hazel with a teenage prodigy named Michael Hampton who wasn't too bad on the six string himself. This week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam is his showcase. Enjoy your weekend folks. If anybody tells you a funk band...can't rock...don't believe him.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: VAMPIRE WEEKEND

On the recommendation of one of my readers, I am shifting back from the world of shitbag mainstream rock music to the world of shitbag indie rock music for this week's discussion of ball sucking bands. In a way, indie rock bands piss me off more than shitty mainstream bands, because being a fan of their music gives you credibility in a music conversation. I mean if you like Nickelback you are just openly admitting you wouldn't know good music from your own asshole. If you however, mention your fondness for some band that blew up on "Stereogum" people will at least give you the time of day, and allow you to elaborate on what type of music you're into. Even though the dickhead band you like is really no more talented than Daughtry or Linkin Park, and may in fact be even more intolerable. Like this Week's Band That Sucks Balls: VAMPIRE WEEKEND.

The fact that more than four people have paid money to purchase one of this band's albums absolutely infuriates me. If I recorded myself farting while simultaneously scratching my fingernails across a chalkboard for two and half minutes, it would sound better than any song these cock gobblers have ever released. As is usually the case with fuckhead indie rock bands, a quick analysis of their background and roots (aka perusing their Wiki page) tells you this band is awful before you've heard a single note of their music. The NY based indie band was apparently formed when these four losers met while studying at Columbia University, and named themselves after their lead singer's amateur film of the same name. Lets just say first of all, that no cool band in history was ever formed by an Ivy League film student. If "Columbia" and "Rock and Roll" are ever mentioned in the same sentence, somebody better be doing lines of Columbia's finest yayo off of some chick's ass. Second of all, I hate New Yorkers. Let me rephrase that. I love people from New York. I hate people who currently live in New York. At some point every hipster in the country decided to move to New York City (generally Williamsburg/Brooklyn) to pursue their dreams as an amateur filmmaker or art student. Hipsters love NYC because it is home to bands like Vampire Weekend and is cold enough for them to wear scarves and knit caps.

Anyways back to the subject at hand. One look at these assholes pictured above and you know you're in store for the antithesis of rocking as soon as you throw their LP on the stereo. One guy is wearing an ugly brown blazer with his retro "I Heart NY" and apparently hasn't combed his hair in three years. Then there is an asshole lying on his back in the least rocking photo pose in history. Then there is king dickhole on the right wearing a light green Mr. Roger's pullover sweater (Acually it's a Cardigan but thanks for noticing!), and smelling a fucking flower. Unbelievable. One would assume this was a picture of the head members of Columbia's young poets society club, rather than a photo of a prominent rock band. During live performances their lead singer wears colored sunglasses and...shorts. Like...pink or yellow shorts. It is legitamtely impossible to rock in shorts unless you are AC/DC's guitarist. Everyone else, gotta rock jeans or leather pants. No exceptions. Just like every indie band their sound is some made up genre: "Upper West Side Soweto" that blends African music influences with Western classical. In other words: "We make a random assortment of noise...it sucks dick...enjoy!"

Vampire Weekend features a guitarist, bassist, drummer and keyboardist (DUH), none of whom can play their instruments better than your average 12 year old band geek. It is apparently written into their contracts that no member can play more than three chords in a song and must strum in the most annoyingly quick repetitive manner possible. Like all indie bands their songs are all exactly 2.5 minutes long because any longer and somebody might need to idk play a guitar solo or bang out a drum fill, which we all know is an impossibility for the Columbia art-film posse. There is obviously no time to bang out a five minute rock anthem when you're busy deciding what scarf you're gonna wear to match your cardigan sweater and yellow shorts. All their songs are obviously total bullshit, with song names that give you less than a clue wtf the track's subject matter is. You might know some of their hits like "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" and "Mansfard Roof," or of course their rocking masterpiece "Oxford Comma." All these songs blow. Their latest piece of shit Non-Rad jam "Holiday" is featured in numerous Tommy Hilfiger and car commercials. Sign #172829292 that you are an asshat indie rock outfit: Your song is a jingle for some lame commercial. Can you imagine "Voodoo Chile" being featured in an ad for a Honda Civic? Yeah..me neither.

If you're currently a hipster attending an Ivy League university I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you're an upper-class white kid, who spends 70% of his time in the library and the other 30% in coffee shops discussing philosophy and art. In other words you are severely lacking in Rad and have no business in the world of rock and roll. Rock and Roll is for high school dropouts with substance abuse problems who couldn't color coordinate a stage outfit to save their ass. Not amateur filmmakers and art-history majors in colorful sweaters. So please don't let Vampire Weekend be an inspiration to you. They suck balls and your aspiring yuppie hipster band probably does too. Stick to debating Warhol paintings with your homies and hand your guitar to somebody that isn't a completely lame dipshit like yourself.