Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Christmas is nearly upon us, and few things are less in the spirt of Christmas than writing angry profane rants about how terrible a band's music is, and the fact that you openly wished they would perish in a plane crash. Christmas is about spreading glad tidings and cheer. Christmas is about overlooking the fact that you generally don't like someone or something, and learning to tolerate them for the month of December. During Christmas we sometimes have to take an introspective look at some of the harsh things we've said over the course of the year, and acknowledge that perhaps we made a mistake in making some of those statements. In the spirit of the holiday season, I decided to look back at a band that I once described as the worst band in all of rock music: COLDPLAY. I hope Coldplay and their loyal fans can also join me in this Xmas spirit in forgiving the mean things I once said about them. I took a closer look at their music and now realize that Coldplay is totally Rad. I am now willing to take back those harsh statements and give credit where credit is due to this Rad band and their indisputable talent. Starting with 2010'a official Rad Christmas Jam: Coldplay's CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.
Ok cmon guys. Did you really think I was serious? Can you think of anything in the entire world that is LESS Rad than a new Coldplay Christmas song? I mean don't get me wrong, lots of Rad dudes record Christmas singles. Clay Aiken, Michael Bolton, Josh Groban. You know, guys that are just the definition of Rock and Roll. Coldplay's 2010 holiday jam however, doesn't even live up to the standards of these yuletide badasses. If Celine Dion and Barry Manilow recorded a Christmas duet with Kenny G on the Alto sax, it would be more Rad than this song. This song is not even Rad enough to be the theme song to an ABC Family Xmas flick starring John Stamos, Melissa Joan-Hart, and the cast of "Touched by an Angel." Coldplay was nice enough to not only release this totally non-Rad Christmas jam, but also provide us with an accompanying music video that is drenched in lamesauce.
The song/video starts out in standard Coldplay fashion with a soft melodic piano intro that is jacked straight from the start of "Forrest Gump." Except there is nothing nearly as badass as a floating feather involved. Instead we see the four members of Coldplay lying on the floor next to each other staring up at the stars. This is basically a standard Rad Saturday evening in December for the boys of C-Play. The guys all snuggled up on the floor next to each other in their PJs and sleeping bags. The aroma of hot cocoa fills the air while the Coldplay boys bro it up and engage in heated argument over whether they're on Team Jacob or Team Edward in the Twilight debate. Next thing we know lead singer Chris Martin has floated up off the floor and taken his place at his piano while the curtain of a stage opens up on the rest of the band. The stage resembles the set of an elementary school holiday pageant. This is appropriate since this song features less talent and Radness than my December 1993 performance of "The Nutcracker" with the rest of Mrs. Boswell's 3rd grade class.
Once the curtain opens the jam session really takes full flight. All of a sudden we've got a lot more than C-Mart's droning Forrest Gump piano going on. Some acoustic guitar strumming kicks in courtesy of Coldplay's master of the six-string, who is wearing his trademark railroad conductor hat. I'm not entirely sure why he rocks this accessory, other than to emphasize the fact that after the show the other three members of Coldplay will be running a train on his butthole. The bassist just kinda dances around, while the drummer sits looking solemn and doing nothing other than to tap a cymbal once a minute. Since nobody else is really doing anything, Chris Martin than steps to the forefront and starts standing and waving his arms like a messiah as he usually does while Coldplay's trademark confetti starts to fall (yaaay!!). Then we cut to a boat where a bunch of people release multi-colored ballons from a boat (yaaaay!!). The fireworks start to go off in the night sky over the river in London town (yaaaay!!). Amidst all this obviously a string orchestra (dressed as Elvis..?) and Christmas choir jump in for maximum Radness factor. I'm not entirely sure what the deal is with Coldplay and all these theatrics? It's like they're always trying to turn each performance into the world's gayest New Years ball dropping ceremony (pun intended).Thankfully after a little more than a four minute journey to Lametown, UK Coldplay's epic Christmas anthem ends with the curtain closing and turning to a view from a London bridge overlooking the city lights, while a few more fireworks go off. Awww. :) If you're left wondering if you just watched a rock music video or the closing credits of "Love Actually," you're not the only one. The only thing that you can be left certain of upon the conclusion of "Christmas Lights," is that Coldplay has closed out 2010 cementing their place as the least Rad rock band in the world. Thanks again guys. I can't wait for your rocking Valentines Day single in two months: "Hearts Aglow." Until then, enjoy these last couple days of hectic last minute Christmas shopping without murdering anyone in the mall. When you're sitting down to Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow night with all your relatives you pretend to tolerate, there will be an a actual Rad Yuletide jam waiting for you.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I don't even know how to begin to describe the audio diarrhea that is Tool's music. I mean Nine Inch Nails is basically Motown compared to these gloomy jackoffs. Tool is kind of like the more depressing bastard son of grunge minus guitar solos. There's an ominous bassline on loop, some grinding guitar and some asshole repetitively banging a death march beat on the drums. Over all of this some nutcase that escaped from the asylum sings upbeat lyrics that cover standard rock and roll topics like transcendance, human psychology, and spirituaity. Like the wrist-slitting prose shown belowL
"There's release in this sodomy..for I am your winess that...blood and flesh can be trusted."
Few things make me want to bang my head and pump my fist like songs about mildew covered pieces smoldering away, and chewing people's centers to bring them down. You might be asking yourself, "wait, was that last set of lyrics about sodomy..?" Well yes of course it is, didn't you recognize it from Tool's classic rock anthem "Prison Sex?" (Jail ass rape: more somewhat abnormal rock and roll subject matter..). Also does anybody else notice that Tool's lyrics don't actually rhyme? Isn't that kind of a prerequisite for songwriting? Not when you're the lead singer of Tool and don't actually..you know..."sing." Tool's singer just recites his depressingly angry poetry in a slow monotone voice until the "hook" where he screams like Hitler closing out a stirring public address.
Tool has a large cult following of people who claim that Tool is amazing live. I find that hard to believe. A Tool concert must be weird as shit. I kinda picture the audience looking like the masked ball scene pre-orgy in "Eyes Wide Shut." A bunch of weirdos stading solemnly in silence while Tool bangs out their ominous doom and gloom grunge jams. Does the band actually come out or does the crowd just get to watch a giant screen showing claymation people being tortured in a dungeon while Tool rocks out behind the curtain? Whatever, I don't plan to ever find out for myself. Tool's music sucks, and their videos blow, so it seems only logical that their live show would also be about as enjoyable as a colonoscopy. I long for the days when MTV actually showed music videos. However, if showing music videos means giving these dickheads a forum for their shittastic Alt-Prog-Grunge noise again, you can just keep showing Jersey Shore re-runs till hell freezes over.