Bands That Suck Balls: DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

Yesterday the NFL season kicked off (finally) with a pretty boring and uneventful 14-9 game between the Saints and Vikings. The only bad thing about the NFL season kicking off is that every year the NFL feels the need to put football fans through an NFL Kickoff concert. This concert is inevitably comprised of bands that completely suck balls. You would think they qould select bands that..I don't know..appealed to actual football fans. NO. They just pick random ass popular acts that no self respecting football fan has ever cranked on his radio. I guess they do this to appeal to non-football fans, but who cares what those people want to see. They are lame, and can change the channel if they want, the NFL is not exactly dying for better ratings. This year I unfortunately missed this musical shitxtravaganza that featured Country pop twat Taylor Swift and this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DAVE MATTHEW'S BAND.

Dave Matthews Band is better known in their wide fan circle as "DMB," "Dave," or "Dave Bro." This is because they have the single lamest band name in history so changing it to something that sounds a little cooler and more hip is definitely a necessity. Seriously Dave Matthews you are a lazy fuck. There have been plenty of bands throughout history (that actually rocked) that had a main frontman that masterminded their music but they at least gave some credit to their backing band with a cool name. Tom Petty...and The Heartbreakers. Bruce Springsteen...and The E Street Band. Shit even Bob Dylan had "The Band." You however are just Dave Matthews Band. Well why didn't you just call your piece of shit outfit Dave Matthews and just completely disregard the rest of the group?

Despite the band being named after him, Dave Matthews is by all accounts (even amongst his fans) the least talented member of "DMB." He writes the songs I guess (which suck balls). He plays shitty acoustic guitar. He sings in an annoying nasally whisper with the token voice crack thrown in once every couple of lyrics. Dave Matthews Band music is kind of like taking an entire album of acoustic Pearl Jam numbers and adding a horn section to the tracks. AKA fucking awful. Imagine listening to Eddie Vedder's "Into the Wild Soundtrack" with a saxophone solo in each song. Also horn sections are only cool if you are a funk band. If you are an acoustic rock jam band take the fucking horns out of your show.

Perhaps more annoying than "DMB" themselves are their annoying fanbase. I went to college in Virginia (Where DMB was birthed) so I was exposed to the super-douches more than most. Dave fans, like their closely related Buffet parrothead species are just there for "the scene." None of them actually have entire albums from Dave Matthews catalog memorized. They may not even have one favorite song. All their bros however are going to the show and they've always "heard" that Dave live shows are amazing. So they fork over $6o to check out "the scene." Chick DMB fans can at least answer that they have two favorite Dave songs: "Saaaaateliiiiite" and the equally shittastic "Craaaash into me." Thanks a lot for profiting off these awesome ballads DMB. You inspired John Mayer to think he could have a career.

Tonight Dave Matthews Band comes to my town. I obviously am not attending because I would rather have my testicles stabbed with a corkscrew than listen to a rocking live rendition of "Saaaaateliiiiite." Instead I will be going to law school trivia night. Yes you read that correctly...I would rather participate in trivia night with law students than go to a fucking Dave Matthews Band show. I hope while I am dominating at naming 80s movies and obscure rock albums, for all our sakes somebody grants DMB's wish to have someone "Craaaash into me." Preferably somebody with a very large airplane to take out Dave and his entire losertown usa audience.