Hater Mailbag Volume 2

When we left the anonymous haters of The Lawn they were mocking me for judging bands by their album cover, asking me if I thought anybody actually read this crap, and keeping their critiques of my blog polite with broad statements like "You basically have the worst opinions ever." Even though I named that post "Hater Mailbag Volume 1," and supporters of my warped views requested that I do it again, I have to say I really didn't think there would be a second edition of the Hater Mailbag. I mean how many more haters could possibly come out of the woodwork to voice their negative feedback through anonymous angry commentary? After all my taste in music is impeccable, and I basically have the most logical opinions ever so how many more people could possibly disagree with my brilliant writing? Alas not only did more haters join the parade, they came out in droves. So here I am once again addressing the citizens of hater nation. Without further ado..LETS GET TO THE HATE!

"Atheist Extraordinaire" re: Wilco

"Completely No-Sense Post, really Sucks."

You hate God. I hate Wilco. Two things that aren't gonna change anytime soon. I don't know if you've noticed this but I make fun of all bands in the same manner. They look stupid. Their Music is boring. Their singer is lame. They have no musical talent. End of Rant. Not exactly the most elaborately complicated formula. If I use this method to mock a popular mainstream band or new band nobody's heard of, there are no complaints. If I mock the hip, mainstream but not quite mainstream band everyone respects (for reasons they don't even remember) the feedback is always "this makes no sense" with no further argument. Also, this is not an English sentence. Next time please tell me why my opinion of a shitty band makes no sense writing a sentence that sounds like it was typed by Chief Big Bear from a John Wayne movie. (No-Sense, really Sucks, Make Fire, Bad).

"Ernesto" re: The Strokes

"BY THE TITLES OF YOUR LABELS YOUR A SAD, LONELY, PISSED MOTHERFUCKER. YOU INSOLENT PIG!!!!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCVHpnixj88

MAYBE IF I TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND USE EXCLAMATION POINTS I CAN REALLY HAMMER HOME MY OPINION AND EMPHASIZE JUST HOW MUCH I DISAGREE WITH YOUR STUPID FUCKING OPINION. Oh btw did you see what I just did..? I used the word "your" properly. A skill that you and apparently 90% of the people on the internet don't possess. I think standardized testing of basic 5th grade grammar should be a mandatory requirement of anybody that chooses to express their opinions over the web. Also I'm sorry your parents named you "Ernesto." They apparently assumed you would either grow up to be the tyrannical dictator of a South American country or a plumber with a rape van.

"Andreas Carlbom" re: Pink Floyd

"Hello. I read and liked this blog until you decided to hate on Pink Floyd, likely because you have attention deficit disorder and can't handle anything with more than two chords with a solo sandviched between them. You are free to have your opinions, but please do the world a favor and keep them to yourself. They are of absolutely no value to anybody else. Kisses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VePxbFQ-qfw

Um..ok. That was quite the drastic change of heart. "I really liked your blog but then you made fun of ONE band I like and now I want you to do the world a favor and shut the fuck up." Jesus. I don't think a bipolar nutjob should be making fun of my A.D.D. symptoms. Also thanks for saying I'm "free to have my opinions" but then telling me I should keep them to myself Stalin. That's certainly what the first amendment is all about. Also who the fuck ends a comment with "kisses" besides my mother? Also I don't know what your definition of music "with more than two chords is," but considering I hate The Strokes I think it's safe to say I like music that isn't "minimalist" garbage. Look people I get that everybody who's ever done mushrooms disagrees with my Pink Floyd post. Feel free to have your opinion, but keep them to yourself and your lava lamp.

"giveemhellkid240" re: My Chemical Romance

"You spend the entire time whining about what they title their music, not about the actual music they make. You can't seem to critique this band with respect or intellect. You never show an ounce of maturity or experience in music, and your article was a complete bore. You fail."

Funny enough "Give Em Hell Kid 240" actually sounds like the name of a shitty hipster punk band that would open for My Chemical Romance on The Warped Tour. Coincidence? This douchebags idea of "giving em hell" is probably wearing a Sex Pistols t-shirt to family Thanksgiving. Also I show a complete lack of "maturity," "respect" and "intellect"..? Um...have you ever read ANYTHING else on this blog? If so you would never associate these words with this site. I'm currently writing angry hater comments in response to anonymous internet critics for fun. Real "mature." I call girls who take group pictures on vacation and post them on facebook "whores." Very "respectful." Every other sentence involves me using the adjective "Rad." Quite the sign of "intellect." Finally, MCR's "actual music" is so horrible it is really beyond elaborate description. They're a goth punk band that makes rock operas. Their singer screams a lot. They suck. What else really needs to be said?

"Matt" re: Phish

I'm curious to what bands Bagzzz listens to? Probably some shitty metal band or Tool. haha...

For the record, since I kinda retired the "Rad Jam" feature, I listen to anything that falls under the genres "Classic ROCK, Party/Jukebox ROCK, Southern ROCK, Blues ROCK" or the general musical classification: Rad. Hippie rock does not fall under any of these categories so sorry I don't like Phish. Also considering you went all the way back through all of my BTSB entries to the very FIRST one you should have noticed that I mocked Tool, so no I don't like them either. And yes I would rather listen to some "shitty metal band" blow out my eardrums with Marshall amps stacked to the sky then take in 17 hrs of noodling and extended keyboard solos from Trey and the boys while dropping acid in 99 degree heat amongst a crowd of people who smell bad.

"balleyterrey" re: Nirvana

"but they did kill shitti poser white boy bands like Guns N' Roses so hats off to them"

Considering this guy comments on everything I write with positive feedback (but apparently missed some of my Non-BTSB posts..notably: http://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2010/11/friday-afternoon-rad-jam_19.html)

I will give him the kiddy gloves treatment. However, you can't really insult GNR on my blog and remain free from ridicule. I mean...if we lived in a perfect world and I were a music mogul, every rock band today would follow the blueprint of Guns N' Roses. Guns N' Roses is one of those bands that no matter what your taste in rock music...nobody really questions as being completely fucking Rad. I have no idea what a "shitty poser white boy band" is but if that means "Totally badass Bro Rock about sex, drugs, partying, and evading the cops." then that is a totally appropriate label. I don't know that Nirvana "killed them off" considering their blockbuster 2nd album "Use Your Illusion" was still going strong when "Nevermind" came out. I think Axl being a d-bag and excessive substance abuse "killed them off." Which is at least a cooler way for a band to break up than via their sad lead singer shooting himself. Anyways I digress. If you don't think "Appetite for Destruction" is the Raddest album ever made you need to take a second listen ASAP or get your ears checked. End of story.

Well so ends the Volume 2 Hater Mailbag. Once again I thoroughly enjoyed responding to the gallons of Haterade sent my way. Once again if you completely despise me and everything I stand for...don't read my blog. If you disagree with one or two things I say, try to give me the benefit of the doubt in the spirit of good fun, and I assure you, I will probably get back to ranting about bands you hate soon enough. If you support my every statement and are a loyal fan of ALL of my work: You, like me have impeccable taste in music, incontrovertible opinions, and are amongst the remaining top 2% of the population that is still trying to maintain a set of beliefs according to the book of Rad. Until next time, haters: keep hating, Followers: keep following. Being a sad, lonely, pissed motherfucker with A.D.D. who makes no sense, and doesn't show an ounce of maturity or intellect I'll keep relishing all the publicity I can get.

Bands That Suck Balls: COLD CAVE

Last week I returned briefly to skewering a relatively popular mainstream band that happened to suck balls. I mean Wilco isn't exactly mainstream pop radio status like Nickelback, but still most people seem to know who they are, and hold a neutral opinion of them. Since bands like Wilco that have already gotten critical recognition, and headlining spots at lame festivals, hating on them at this point can be somewhat of an exercise in futility. Sometimes it's more fun and a more worthwhile cause to prevent people from listening to new, up and coming shitty bands. Especially since it generally involves hating on hipsters who are a plague on Rad society. So I'm returning to the world of dipshit indie noise rock this week ("The Killers" BTSB entry coming soon enough) with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: COLD CAVE.

I discovered this awesomely non-Rad collection of douchetards courtesy of course of a certain publication that share it's name with a Muddy Waters song. This month's "Band to Watch" apparently. As usual I didn't need to hear a note of their music to come to the conclusion that this band totally gobbled nuts. What kind of name for a band is "Cold Cave." Band names are supposed to reference or imply something totally epic and badass. Nothing could be less epic than spending a day in a frigid cave with three hipsters. I mean one glance at the picture above and you instantly know you're not in store for any awesomeness when you throw on their cd. First, without fail we have our required ingredient for every shitty indie hipster band: an ugly bitch with bangs. Never fails. If you're a hipster band on the cusp of making it, and can't figure out how to round out your lineup...run down to Whole Foods and ask some ugly bitch with bangs if she'll join your band after she's done buying $60 worth of organic products. You'll be on stage 3 in SXSW in no time.

Unlike most hipster chicks Cold Cave's lady member did make the effort to sexify herself with stockings, a mini skirt and big hat. Still doesn't cover up the fact that she has stupid bangs, and a face like Wilbur from "Charlotte's Web." Guy on the right is going with the standard deep, introspective pose for photo look, common amongst bands that take themselves too seriously. He looks like he joined the band after failing to get a gig as an extra in "Inception." Finally we have their assfuck lead singer in the center. I'm not sure if he's going for the early Beatles look with his sweet bowl cut and black/white suit ensemble. Combined with his brooding face, and assfuck retro sunglasses you can tell he is most definitely a hipster who was probably really into Depeche Mode, INXS and other shitty 80s dance pop for white people with no rhythm on lots of coke. Lets take a listen to what these undoubtedtly shittastic outfit sounds like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF3DYO-v1WE

Ok a minute of that just gave me a migraine, lets try again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fzku_5WB5yE

(Watches super lame wet dream of an art student for 2 1/2 minutes before having enough)

Ok well of course that sucked. How do people describe Cold Cave's sound? "Dark synthpop meets punk." How do I describe it? "shitty 80s dance rock with more noise, less melody, and a more depressing feel." Basically something that would be played in the background of a hypothetical coming of age 80's teen drama when Judd Nelson's character dies of a drug overdose. What a piece of shit. First of all, lets get one thing out of they way. "Synthpop" is not a real fucking genre. It's a made up label for rock bands that can't play real instruments and just combine weird keyboard tones and synthesizers with a drum machine to make music for hipsters to dance to in a dark hip club venue where bottle service and a dress code are foreign concepts. I guess the "punk" influence label comes from the first song I played where the band played loud obnoxiously repetitive fuzz guitar in addition to their electronic noise blips. I'm not the biggest punk advocate, but real punk is as melodic as Motown compared to that noisy shit. What is the deal with the lead singer? He just moans in his deep British accent for four minutes about some bullshit he's torn up about.

(Does some quick research...the band is not British..they're from NYC. OBVIOUSLY).

Ok that just makes it worse. This loser just TRIES to sound British? Who the fuck tries to have a British accent (other than that useless cunt Madonna)? British singers don't even try to sound British. Not even a cool Russell Brand Lymie accent where you say "I Fink so" and "tosser" a lot. This guy sounds like he is reading an Oxford professor's lecture over electro synth noise. What a clown. Cold Cave also wins the award for least Rad song titles in history. "The Great Pan is Dead?" Huh? "Love Comes Close..?" Yeah love came close until you scared the bitch away by dimming the lights and throwing on your downer synthpop rock. Oh and the fucking shittastic rock song title to end all shittastic song titles: "The Trees Grew Emotions and Died"

...

WHAT

Are you absolutely kidding me? WTF kind of song title is that for a rock song? That sounds like the title of a poem written by a 2nd grader with a learning disorder. How do trees grow emotions? Who cares if a tree dies? Last time I checked IT'S A FUCKING TREE. Why is that the subject of a rock song. Rock songs are supposed to be about riding upon highways to hell. Being welcomed to the jungle and politely informed that you are gonna die. Sympathizing with the devil. Not about dying trees with feelings. I hope the next time you decide to grow emotions, a tree fucking falls on you, you asshole.

Anyways, these shitheads are not huge (yet) and lets try to keep it that way. If your "quirky" friend encourages you to join them in checking out a cool new band called Cold Cave at the local hipster music venue DON'T GO. You'll be in for one and a half hours of synth rock hell and will get a sudden insatiable urge to murder everyone in sight with an art school haircut nodding and swaying in approval to keep the hair out of their eyes. It's not worth the risk. Don't get suckered into downloading that song of theirs that inevitably gets put in a commercial you see 77 times a day. Keep these assholes out of the world of rock & roll and banish them back to the cold, sad little cave they came from where they are free to grow emotions about trees and die.

I HAVE A JOB! I'M SO BUSY! WOE IS ME!

Those of you outside of my close social circle may not have known that until about two months ago my professional occupation aside from angry blogging was: Living The Dream. For those of you not privy to common folk talk I was what the world technically labels "unemployed." I know this probably comes as a shock to most of you. I mean you would assume from my writing that I was a succesful member of the US workforce who easily balanced my six figure 9-5 with a side career as a prolific angry blogger. Or perhaps from my rants on law students, Facebook, and law students on facebook, you thought: "This is certainly a world class multi-tasker who hits the books and writes 10 page legal memos by day, while writing rants about shitty rock bands at night." Alas, both of you were wrong. I was actually a casualty of this economic recession that is either entirely George W. Bush's fault or entirely Barack Obama's fault depending on which party's rhetoric you are blindly overzealous about.

Now however, I am thankfully back to being a productive member of society who works in an office five days a week and collects paychecks to cover the bills. Which means of course that it's time I do the logical thing and bitch about how much it sucks to return to a life in the professional world. I now present to you the Lawn's Top Five Reasons Working Sucks.

1. Waking up Early

Lets get the most obvious perk of unemployed life out of the way. You know what rules about your mornings as a jobless bum? They don't exist. Mornings? The only motivation I had to even get out of bed each "morning" was the fact the sportscenter marathon each day ended at 1pm. So as long as I got up by 1145am, giving me enough time to stand up, put my sweatpants on, take the dog out, and boil ramen noodles for "brunch" my day was on schedule. Now of course this is not the case. Not only do I have to wake up before 1145, I have to wake up at an ungodly hour that allows me to reach the office by Seven O'clock. Jesus fucking Christ. I haven't had to wake up to regularly do something at 7am since...never. I mean in college I had one semester of 8am classes, but that entailed rolling out of bed, throwing on a hoodie and walking five minutes to go sleep off my hangover in the back of an auditorium. I didn't have to actually shower, look presentable and then drive in Texas traffic to go sit in the same place and be productive for eight consecutive hours. I have no idea what asshole in a corporate office setting thinks that the workday should start at 7am. The only people who should have to be working at 7am are day-laborers like construction workers and those employed by landscaping businesses. (You thought I was gonna say "Mexicans" didn't you? Fucking racist.)

2. Drinking is now limited to the weekends.

Those of you who know me well "LOLed" at the ridiculous claim I just made above. Ok ok. Lets not exaggerate here. Clearly a stressful job at a lower level corporate support position didn't lead me to magically curtail my weekly drinking days from seven to two. Then again my definition of "drinking" is not the same as yours. If I go out to dinner and drink a bottle of wine, I can muster the strength to get up the next morning to face the workday without too much of a struggle. If I go out to happy hour with a bunch of hard partying law students who think happy hour should literally last...an hour...those three to four moderately paced Miller Lites are not gonna give me a massive AM migraine. If I want to actually "drink" though...by my definition, life the next day is eight hours of hell. Going to work hungover is absolutely miserable.

Those of you who just need your morning coffee to overcome a hangover must drink like pussies. Anybody who actually drinks knows coffee just dehydrates you further, so if one AM Cup O' Joe makes you chipper for the rest of the day you didn't have a real hangover. Generally a job like mine doesn't involve too much physical movement, but for some reason anytime you are hungover, your asshole supervisor will make you do some sort of manual labor. Put up these boxes. Take these carts away. Carry these 500 folders somewhere. Climb a ladder. Goddamnit. Every other day of the week you made me sit at my desk for eight straight hours mindlessly staring at a computer why clicking my mouse. Today I'm the office box carrying serf randomly? What a load of shit. Go to any office workroom on a Friday morning to witness Rad Bro abuse at its worst.

3. Small Talk

Ideally we would all go to work each day and only be forced to verbally interact with people when work projects needed to be discussed. "What should I do today boss man?" followed by prompt response of "You should do this." End of convo. Resume jamming out to Rad jams on Ipod while slowly completing neverending pointless, mundane project. We do not however, live in a perfect world of worker bees. Of course being an outgoing individual who doesn't lack for social skills, I don't have a problem talking to co-workers about subjects other than the job at hand. We all need a couple breaks a day to bullshit about sports, send funny e-mail links, and discuss how awesome Charlie Sheen is. What I hate however, is small talk. You know those mindless conversations where people make small talk and feign interest in how your life outside of work is going? These convos can never end soon enough.

Usually small talk takes place in the break room/office pantry with some socially awkward individual outside of your section that you somehow run into on a daily basis. He usually has a go-to convo starter like "is it Friday yet?" or "Surviving another day of fun?," or "Am I the only one ready for lunch already?" These at least can be brushed off with a brief response and quiet chuckle before quickly exiting. God forbid you get asked "How was your weekend?" though. You are now stuck for at least 10 minutes. Since I am fucking Rad I obviously can't give an honest answer as to what I did over the weekend. So I answer "Good...yours?" I really could give a fuck about their weekend but the "yours?" part is common courtesy that leads you down the road to the most boring story ever. They'll tell you about taking their kids to a museum, their dog, their visiting family and tell some endless story about how much fun they had from Friday through Sunday. God. Just once I'd like to scare the shit out of these people with a long-winded overexaggerated account of how fun my weekend was:

Office Dork: "Heyyy! How was your weekend buddy?"

Me: "Pretty fucking crazy. Had some college buddies come into town so naturally we were pretty much blacked out on a coke bender for 48 straight hours. Saturday night was really a disaster. We had to leave the bar early cus one of my bros was wasted on tequilla and started loudly yelling racial slurs at the bartender who cut him off. So we headed back to my place and ended up partying there for the rest of the evening. Naturally neighbors called the cops at 3am on a noise violation after they'd heard enough of Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" on repeat at max volume. Suffice to say when that knock at the door came, cleaning up all the blow, and hiding the passed out hooker in the closet was no easy task!"

(Responds with blank stare..never talks to me in pantry again)

4. "Hello?..Nah it's cool I'm at work but I can talk..what's up?"

It's about 1pm. I've gotten through the morning hangover by crushing two gatorades and eating a jumbo burrito for lunch. The boss has given me a break from doing laps around the workroom hauling boxes like some glorified post office worker in a suit. I managed to survive pantry small talk guy's story about his barbeque with the in-laws. Even the workroom radio's easy listening station has ceased to annoy me (Though if I hear Bryan Adams "Everything I do..I do it for You" one more time tomorrow I may go batshit). I've settled into a nice afternoon of relaxed database entry, while g-chatting and perusing an ESPN article. Then...the phone rings. Not an office phone mind you. No...a cell phone. One that most likely has a loud obnoxious ring tone of the latest club jam. Completely ignoring the company's "no personal phone calls during work hours" policy, some stupid bitch answers their phone. Then they proceed to talk LOUDLY on the phone to the point where everyone in the office can hear every detail of their ear-splitting convo. I HATE these people.

What the hell is wrong with you? First of all, the conversation never seems like an emergency that needed immediate attention. Either you're chit-chatting with your gal-pal about the latest neighborhood/family gossip or you're bitching about some annoying relationship drama that half the time doesn't even involve you directly. We know you "Told your girl that fool was no good." No reason to reiterate it to the rest of us who give less than a fuck. We actually live in a very advanced technological age where you can discuss your personal bullshit over a variety of mediums that don't involve loudly sharing your business with the world. E-mail. IM. Text. Whatever. Anything that doesn't involve us hearing your Jay Sean ringtone and your loud debate over whether some ho deserves better. Shut the fuck up.

5. Hearing people bitch about work

Funny enough, my number one complaint about work..is hearing people complain about work. I mean yeah I just spent eight paragraphs ranting about things that piss me off about my work day. In reality however, these things are really minor everyday obstacles that every person encounters in their weekly quest to survive another 40 hours of minimal stress that pays the bills and makes you appreciate the weekend. Assuming you're not a member of the secret service is not really THAT stressful. Some people however, make their lives in an office seem SOOOO hard. They tell you how unreasonable their boss's request is. Yeah well he graduated law school. You're a paper pusher. You get paid to ask "how high" when he fucking says jump. They whine about working late. OH NO. Are you gonna miss an episode of "Modern Family?" What a fucking tragedy :(. They bitch about getting a project RIGHT when they're about to go to lunch. Pretty sure you can survive another 30 minutes without your double cheeseburger, fries, apple pie...and diet soda. Might actually do you some good you fat bitch.

With the advent of the aforementioned age of technology and social networks/internet forums this is even worse. You get to not only hear the complaints of the co-workers in your cubicle section, you get to SEE the complaints of every person you know across the nation that works in an equally low stress career. I've of course covered this ad nauseum in my facebook posts, but now that i have an easy 9-5 (err..7-4) job again it's become even more annoying to see people complain about their easy jobs. Yeah working at a job sucks in comparison to slamming SoCo and lime shots at the club and tanning at the beach. In comparison to being...unemployed however, trust me it's pretty fucking Rad. So stop crying about how miserable it is to get paid to surf the web and chat on the phone while doing 3 hours of work everyday. Work sucks...suck it up.

Bands That Suck Balls: WILCO

With Rad rock bands rendered pretty much an extinct species, there are basically three types of bands in the world. Bands that suck...bands that reaaally suck...and bands that I am neutral towards. There are a couple of reasons that third category exists. Usually this band is not really "popular" in the general sense of the word (i.e. nobody buys their albums), but is mainstream enough that everyone at least knows of them. Nobody however, LOVES this band or really argues that they are "AMAZING." Everyone just kinda acknowledges that they're solid or "pretty decent" and has seen them at a festival where they were moderately impressed by them. Since I've never been forced to listen to one of their cds, or gotten in a heated argument over their musical merit, I kinda just ignore the band. I assume that they are definitely not Rad, but tolerable enough that I shouldn't go out of my way to despise them. I mean everyone seems to like them, without going out of their way to sing their praises and convince me I should check them out. This band is kinda like that friend of a friend that you've never had more than a 2 minute convo with at a party. You assume he's probably not the coolest person in the world to hang with, but hey he's nice enough and hasn't openly done anything to piss you off. So for the sake of being civil, you're nice to him and never utter a negative opinion about him. Then one day you are forced to actually hang out with him and realize..holy shit...this dude is a complete fucking tool. Why does he have ANY friends? This neutral friend who turns out to be a total loser is This Week's Band That Sucks Balls: WILCO.

Well right off the bat you can tell that this band is definitely not Rad. I mean this photo wins them the award for "The six last people on earth I would want to have my back in a bar brawl. " What's with the loser with the weirdo combover haircut rocking a aqua blue shirt with a dress vest and jeans? He looks he can't decide if he wants to be a waiter, host of a Bravo fashion show or Beck. Then there's the lead singer on the right with his Denim Dan Canadian tuxedo rocking a mini cowboy hat. Definitely doesn't exactly strike me as a badass. For the most part however, I'm nitpicking. This band has a completely neutral appearance. They're not badass by any stretch, but for the most part their look doesn't completely infuriate me. They don't look like a group of insufferable hipster douchebangs or anything. Which is probably why when I've seen them in magazines or briefly on TV I never thought much of them before. Meh. There's that Wilco band a couple of my friends like. They're probably tolerable, not really worth buying a cd of or anything. Heard they put on a solid rock show. Maybe they have a couple songs worth downloading. This is the part of the story where I reach my breaking point and actually (gulp) check out some of the band's stuff online to see what I like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBhj73WtiZU

....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-oimbtVdf4

....

Yeah there is nothing solid about this band. They are not "pretty decent." They don't put on a "good live show." No this band is just a Great Dane sized pile of dog shit. This "rock" band is SO...FUCKING..BORING. I would rather listen to James Lipton read me a book on tape about the habitat of the African dung beetle, then throw a Wilco album on the stereo. This band is like Coldplay on Ambien. Why is this even called a "band?" It's just one guy humming and whining quietly while half the other members softly play their instruments at a barel audible level. I swear there is never a point in a Wilco song where all the band members are simultaneously jamming. Occasionally if one of the band members whose instrument isn't featured on the Wilco track wants to remind you he's there he'll tap a maraca or symbol or click some electronic noise in the background. They are that classic shitty modern band whose sound is just 4 minutes of slowly, quietly building up to...nothing. How in the fuck does this band play at any venue that holds more than 20 people? With my tv muted and nobody in the house, they barely hit ambient noise level. Pretty much the only purpose this band could ever serve would be to provide the soundtrack to a Wes Anderson directed romantic comedy about a love triangle involving Jason Schwartzman, Zooey Deschanel and Ryan Gossling.

(Sidenote. If Norah Jones covers one of your songs...your rock band officially resides in SnoozeVille, USA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvkxPdnsSck&feature=related)

To dig deeper into the roots of the most boring group of douchebags ever, lets see how this band was formed courtesy of Wiki.

"Wilco was formed after the breakup of the popular Alt-country band Uncle Tupelo"

Ok as usual the band is associated with some sort of made up genre of music that sucks dick. WTF is "Alt-Country"..? I assume one guy strummed steel guitar and played harmonica while some singer screeched and somebody in the background tapped a cymbal. So who inspired this band's rocking sound..?

"Wilco draws influence primarily from music created between 1966 and 1974. John Cale's "Paris 1919" was credited by the band as providing a musical parallel."

WTF? So definitely only music from that random eight year period. Anything from 1965 or 1975..Wilco wasn't really feeling. Also of course some random ass album by a founding member of noise rock pioneers Velvet Underground is credited as "providing a musical parallel." Everyone who credits the Velvet Underground as an inspiration can never really explain in plain English why their music is so inspiring. Lets give Wilco a shot:

"It was eye-opening that I wasn't the only one who felt these worlds had a lot in common...That experimentation and avant-garde theory wasn't directly opposed to beauty. Y'know?"

No actually I don't know. That might as well have been fucking Japanese. Also I couldn't hear most of what you were saying over the sound of you loudly snorting your own fart. Can we get a behind the scenes view of the creative process behind a Wilco song?

"The lyrical structure of Wilco's songs was dictated by classic literature and cadavre exquis - an exercise where band members take turns typing lines on a typewriter, but are only allowed to see the previous written line."

(Head explodes)

Remember when the structure of a rock song was dictated by an exercise where band members take turns blowing lines off the ass of a stripper? Yeah..that was cool.

Anyways, Wilco totally sucks balls and it seriously hurts my brain to think about their shittastic alt-country snooze rock any longer. So lets move on to discussing something way cooler..aka tomorrow, which may be the Raddest day of the year. St. Patrick's day...combined with first day of the NCAA tourney. Overload of awesomeness and double the reason to be hammered by 2 pm. Celebrate accordingly. If you're looking to get fired up for a day of slamming whiskey and Guinness, sports gambling, and general rioting don't throw on any Wilco. Instead throw on this brand new Rad jam courtesy of the Dropkick Murphys. You have my word that after listening to this you'll be chugging car bombs, breaking beer bottles and pissing in the streets almost instantaneously. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7g3RuoreRc

Ease Up on the Madness guy

Today is known in the world of sports as "Selection Sunday" when the NCAA announces it's field of 64 teams that will play in a tournament to decide this year's college basketball champion. Basically if you consider yourself an American, this is one of the most important days of the year. I don't know anybody that doesn't appreciate the yearly phenomenon known as March Madness. First of all, it is by far the best playoff system of any major sport (pro or college). A bunch of teams actually decide a sports champion without the use of computer rankings and seven game series'. Second of all, it is fueled by one of America's favorite pastimes: Sports gambling. Whether or not you give two shits about basketball, everyone throws down money to join a March Madness pool. Finally, it is an all day event that runs from noon till late in the evening. So it gives people across America a reason to skip school or work (or take a 3 hour lunch break at a bar) to watch 20 different crazy competitive games and get drunk all day. Of course, as is the case with all Rad activities, there are a group of lame people that ruin March Madness. Since this blog is more in the spirit of bitching about things, rather than focusing on life's positives I will now stop dwelling on the positives of the NCAA tournament. Instead I now give you the top 5 annoying groups of college basketball fans:

1. Fans with ZERO connection to the team they root for

You know the type. At some point in their life these people picked a random ass school to root for. Generally this happened when you were a kid and needed a cool Starter jacket to rock to school, and a group of players to emulate on the playground court. So you picked a college squad to follow. Totally fine. For example when I was a kid everybody and their brother liked Michigan because of the whole "Fab 5" phenomenon or North Carolina because they always had some Rad ballers that could dunk on everybody. Then of course, these kids grew up and ended up not attending their favorite hoops school. And ended up never setting foot in the state of their favorite hoops school. Yet somehow they maintained their manic loyalty to the college hoops squad they cheered on their whole life. Generally their argument is that they love the "tradition" of this team. Which is a bullshit way of saying they decided to stick with a college that is always succesful, rather than suffer with the fans of their own shitty college that didn't make it to the dance. The worst culprits in this category are Duke fans who couldn't find Durham, North Carolina on the map. They generally argue that they like Duke because "they play the game the right way." Which is a fancy way of saying "I like cheering for a bunch of white guys and non-threatening black guys without tattoos."

2. Fans with the in-state connection.

If you are an unaplogetic homer who jumps on the bandwagon for the college squad in your city of residence, that's cool. For instance, this year the St. Johns University program has experienced a resurgence. So if they make a deep run through the tournament, people in the city of New York have every right to get excited about it. I used to live in the DC area and go to Georgetown games every week. When they went to the Final Four a couple years ago, I rioted and celebrated in the streets like a black person or hippie did when Obama won the election. However, if you went to a smaller public institution two hours away from your state's major college powerhouse, you are not allowed to root for them. I don't give a shit if you "Got in there...but just decided not to go there." You went to Eastern Carolina? Yeah, well don't fucking root for Duke or UNC. You went to Central Florida? You can't live and die with every moment of Florida Gator hoops. I basically could have re-named this category "Ohio St. Fans." Ohio has approximately 7,000 random ass smaller state schools. Miami of Ohio, Ohio U, Dayton, Cincinatti, the list goes on and on. All of these fucking people root for Ohio State. Even though all these places have Division I programs of their own. This is total bullshit. People from one of these schools that do the "O-H...I-O" or "We don't give a damn about Michigan" chants at bars during a Buckeye game deserve to be kicked in the dick.

3. Family connection fans

There are many smart people in the world who attend good major colleges, enter a lucrative career and settle down in high-income areas. When these people have children, there is no guarantee no matter how hard they try to steer them in the right direction, that their kids will follow in their footsteps. In fact there is definitely a chance that your child will be a complete and utter fuck-up. You wanted them to attend your alma mater, but unfortunately they smoked too much pot in high school or got drunk the night before the SATs and couldn't quite meet your school's high (or average) admittance standards. Once these kids have established themselves as a total disappointment, they still want to maintain a good relationship with daddy so they go out of their way to cheer on their father's college in sports. "Oh I didn't go to school at (insert state powerhouse here) but I mean my dad went there and we used to watch games together all the time." Yeah well who the fuck cares? You didn't go to daddy's school and therefore have no right to be their number 1 obnoxious super fan. These are almost ALWAYS the craziest fans of their school of choice. They scream obsceneties and stomp their feet at every instance of frustration the team experiences. They talk shit to rival alumni about how "WE" beat them this season. This is total bullshit. Just because daddy went to your favorite hoops school doesn't change the fact that you never took bong hits with their star point guard in a dorm room. So drop the whole "WE" act and root for your own shitty program with lower academic standards.

4. Bracket pool super fan

This species of douchebag cares less than a fuck about college basketball during the other 11 months of the year. However, they don't want to be alienated from their college social circle or office when everybody else is engrossed in March Madness. So they join the NCAA tournament bracket pool with everybody else, hang on the edge of their seat with every upset or buzzer beater, and go absolutely batshit every time one of their picks is wrong. You would think they wagered their child's college education on their bracket rather than $5-$10 . They also get upset by games that have little to no impact on their bracket picks. They flip out because they lost one random ass first round matchup, rather than one of the teams they picked for the Final Four. They generally try to act like they understand basketball, so they can join in the water cooler conversation. They question why the team they picked to win kept "making fouls" and yell about the team's inability to cover the 5-10 white guy that hit the game winning 3, when they were double teaming the future NBA superstar driving to the basket. They just want to be accepted and make up for the fact that they never learned how to shoot a jump shot because they were too busy playing "Goldeneye" with their nerd friends in the basement.

5. Bandwagon Alumni

Having ripped apart every psychotic basketball fan that DIDN'T attend their favorite hoops squad's university, I might as well skewer all those dipshits that carry a snobby attitude about the fact that they did attend a school that made it to the big dance. These people rarely went to basketball games while in college, and make no effort to follow their alma mater's sports program. Once March Madness comes around however, if their college made it to the big dance, they are suddenly a devoted hoops fanatic. They overdo it, and cover themselves head to toe with team apparel. They regale you with stories about how they used to run into players at the library (total bullshit...why would an athlete be at the library?). They brag about how crazy the atmosphere is for the annual clash with their arch rival, even though they never camped out for tickets or rushed the court after a big upset. They look down on anyone who didn't attend a big hoops school, especially if they are rooting for a team that kicked their squad's ass. "Dude who is this loud asshole..? He didn't even go to UNC." is a common bitter statement they make as their team chokes away a lead. Yeah they didn't go to school there, but at least they're not just jumping on a bandwagon and pretending to be super invested in a team's fortunes. They've probably actually kept up with their team's recruiting, watched 10x the number of games you have, and can name more than two players on the team from the last five years. So don't act too high and mighty about your alumni status. You're not that much less annoying than the other four groups of aforementioned assholes

Anyways having offended every class of NCAA basketball fan, I will close by saying I hope you enjoy this totally awesome next two weeks of hoops action. Enjoy the day drinking (This year day 1 is on St. Pattys day..double dose of Rad), the class skipping, the gambling, and the homer bandwagon jumping to the fullest. Embrace this overload of America all over your ass, and don't let any of these five groups of dickheads ruin your March Madness experience.

Rappers That Suck Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA

Yesterday marked the 14th anniversary of the death of The Notorious B.I.G. If you don't know...now you know..he was arguably the most Rad rapper ever. Biggie was a fucking badass. He started hustling (for you white people "selling drugs) in Brooklyn when he was 12, and did a bid ("jail sentence") before he reached the age of 20. After getting jail he became an "indie" rapper which is to say he was an unsigned homeboy who rapped on the corner in the hood, and recorded demo tapes with money from his lucrative career in crack sales. Once he was signed he made two classic Rad rap albums that detailed his life as a crack dealer, gangster and all around fucking valedictorian from the School of Hard Knocks with a masters degree in keeping it real. Unfortunately, as is wont to happen to those who keep it mad real...his realness went mad wrong and he ended his career as most gangster rappers do..by getting capped ("getting murdered in a drive-by shooting"). So goes life when you're living by the strict gospel of The Ten Crack Commandments.

After Biggie passed gangster rappers and the whole keeping it mad real persona stuck around for a while, but then slowly, just like rock music, rap started to move in a lame direction. Rappers no longer needed to wear giant baggy jeans with timberland boots and rap about shooting people over drug deals gone wrong. Rappers no longer needed to be from "the streets." The "gangsta" in gangsta rap vanished completely and our crack slanging, glock busting heros were replaced by a bunch of retarded party hip hop and hipster backpack rappers. Culminating in the final step in the devolution of the Rad rapper seen in this week's Rapper That Sucks Balls: WHIZ KHALIFA.

God just take a look at Krusty the AssClown. What in all hell is going on with this dipshit? First of all sweet Urkel glasses. Nothing says keeping it real like a prescription from lens crafters that makes you look like a library assistant. Not seen in clear view, he is also rocking a rad winter cap with one of those fuzzy balls on top like your little sister wears while helping shovel the driveway. You would think that the hottest new rapper in the game would have some Rad iced out ("diamond studded") rolex on his wrist that you couldn't buy with two months salary. This fucktard is wearing some weird Casio kid style bright blue watch (or some sort of bracelet). I'm also lost on why he is wearing a two sizes too small Nike Sweatshirt from 1985 like my dad rocks while mowing the lawn. At least when pops wears the retro swoosh hoodie, he doesn't wear skinny jeans that he sags to flash his midriff and undies. You can't sag your tight jeans to show off the Hanes and wear a XS top unless you're parading in San Francisco. Finally he has a backpack on to show he is intelligent, educated and...not hard at all. The backpack is probably filled with...actual textbooks..as opposed to bricks ("Kilos") of cocaine and firearms. BOWWWWRING.

Lets take a listen to some of this fucktards killer rhymes and accompanying Rad rap video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj3DxJcQAIg&feature=related

Well that sucked a hearty bowl of dick. Before we address the actual shitty jam, can we talk about the lamest rap video ever? WTF? Rap videos are only to come in one of three formats.

(A) Video featuring lots of shiny things, expensive automobiles, money being thrown in the air and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Being rich as fuck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK-KFfYA2Vk

(B) Video depicting a Rad ghetto house party (or occasionally BBQ) featuring fridge filled with malt liquor beverages, row of low riders parked in driveway, homies in basketball jerseys or wifebeaters, and big booty hos shaking their ass. Subject Matter: Grindin' and getting wasted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6TUhx2wX0M

(C) Video about keeping it Mad Real in the hood featuring lots of close up head shots and Rad pointing hand motions, 78 dudes wearing head stomping boots and bandanas, filmed in front of a project building, on top of a project building, or in a project hallway. Subject Matter: Being hard as fuck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP0wsET8__Y

(Note: above 3 options can be replaced with Rad ridiculously high budget video about Killa Beez swarming the city if 78 dudes looking mad real are involved.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isumZjs3dKA

Well I guess "Whiz" (lame rap name) is attempting option B and fails miserably. Really? Coolers of Miller and Coors Light? Where is the fucking malt liquor? This house/pool party looks like it is taking place in your average high-income suburban residence in. What the fuck is with all the WHITE PEOPLE in this video? Why is a rapper hanging out with a bunch of dude bros at a pool party with some average looking white girls named Becky and Candace? Where the hell is the hot Mami' that looks like this?: http://www.celebs101.com/gallery/Gloria_Velez/227892/Gloria_Velez_9.jpg

As for the song itself, Whiz Khalifa decided to be the first rapper in history to pen an ode to smoking weed. The whole hook is just about laying "in the cut" and "rolling doobies up" (repeated 88x). Ok only your uncle the Deadhead talks about rolling "doobies." He also talks about getting "hella baked up" since he's evidently been spending a lot of time at SoCal skate parks. Also the rapping is in some super slow flow where Whiz actually anunciates all his rhymes so you can understand them (lame). The song is really about nothing as far as the verses, as Khalifa just puts together a bunch of random thoughts in couplets that don't rhyme. Long story short this is shitty suburban pool party music with no redeeming qualities. Might as well be listening to 311.

None of this should come as a surprise when you read that Whiz was born in fucking North Dakota, (where there are more moose than black people) and hails from Pittsburgh, PA. Hence his other hit "black and yellow" about the Steelers (Really? A rapper who likes The Steelers?)where he just..yup you guessed it: repeats that "black and yellow" on the hook 88x. I'm not even gonna bother attaching a clip to that 4 minutes of shit you've surely heard blared at a house party/club. Anyways since the Whiz Kid was named "hip-hop rookie of the year" by numerous publications, I'm sure we're in store for a whole summer of Rad rap jams about smoking doobies and crushing coors light at a moderate pace while dressing like a skater hipster Urkel. Just don't expect to hear that bullshit at my house party. I'll be busy keeping it mad real pissing off the neighbors bumping some N-O..T-O..R-I..O US..U just lay down slow: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDLlI5b55bk

#Winning

Well unless you've been living in a cave with Osama Bin Laden this week, you've heard a thing or two about a Mr. Charlie Sheen causing quite a nationwide stir. If there were a Rad Dude Hall of Fame, that recognized career achievement in life victories, Sheen would be the founder, inaugural inductee, and have the damn building named after him. Charlie Sheen fucking rules at life. Whether he's jet-setting around the world with hookers, slamming down 7 gram rocks of coke, or making classic Bro flicks, Charlie is always doing something to add to his legendary resume of Rad. This year however, just when we thought his career of awesomness had peaked he has gone on an unprecedented streak of life wins. Basically for you baseball nerds out there, we are witnessing the Rad equivalent of Joe DiMaggio's 1941 season. Sheen has managed to get fired from TV's #1 family sitcom, banned from Warner Bros studios, and created a whirlwind of media criticism regarding his "outlandish" behavior. He has also however, inspired a legion of followers to voice their support for this Rad dude, through social networks, radio call-ins, blogs, t-shirts and pretty much any other way possible. The people of Sheen Nation understand we are witnessing a once in a lifetime Rad pioneer at work, and we're not gonna let assfucks like Dr. Drew bring him down.

When you are an Ambassador of Awesome, you may be prone to inventing your own Rad dialect and Rad mannerisms that only you and your fellow life winners can comprehend. Charlie Sheen is no different as this week he has had his every quote deconstructed and taken out of context in order to paint the man as a crazed maniac. Simply because critics have been unable to make sense of his brilliant "Sheenisms." Well I'm here to analyze and translate the man's statements of genius for the masses. Without further ado, I give you the top 10 Sheenisms broken down and converted to layman's terms that anyone can understand and appreciate.

1. "Lets talk about something exciting: ME"

Self-explanatory. "Normal" people (losers and trolls) have to go out of their way to find something in life that excites them. Exciting to most people is usually defined as something fucking lame like rock climbing, travelling to third world countries or participating in a charity fundraiser.When you are a Rad dude however, "exciting" is the adjective that describes every waking minute of your life. You shit thunderbolts and piss excellence while reading the morning paper. You know that all the excitement you need in life is staring right back at you in the mirror. Long story short, nothing another person makes the effort to seek out can compare to the excitement Charlie Sheen simply strolls right into each day.

2. "It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view"

Rad dudes are by nature, loners. Sure they've got friends, lovers, and legions of loyal fans, but for the most part they know they're on their own. In any walk of life, you can't get to the top of the mountain without stepping over people, making enemies, and generally pissing off anyone who tries to de-rail your train to WinsVille, USA. Once you're there sitting on your throne of Rad looking down upon all the envious people that wish they were you, jealousy sets in amongst the masses who weren't able to make it to your perch atop the world. So they distance themselves from association with you and say you are "arrogant" and "self-centered." So you're left to enjoy your awesome life on your own. Whatever, you're better than everyone else. Who needs "friends" when you're doing coke off porn stars' asses in a fucking jet? Answer..nobody.

3. "I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy."

Throughout history the only people that really get recognition for historic lifetime achievement are people who "helped people" or "built things" or "created a form of government." Pioneers in the field of Rad never get any love. Every one of the assholes that signed the Declaration of Independence has a school named after them somewhere. Meanwhile Dennis Hopper has never even had a tree planted in his honor. Well fuck that. Charlie Sheen doesn't want to b be judged by the moral standards of other so called "great historical figures." Just because you never drafted a constitution doesn't mean your contribution to society should be overlooked. I'm pretty sure nowhere on Thomas Jefferson's Wikipedia page is there a section regarding his ability to film segments for a highly profitable movie/sitcom after a 72 hour bender in Vegas.

(Side Note: Thomas Jefferson founded UVA, the lamest collection of blazer/tie wearing prepster dipshits ever assembled at a public institution. Thanks a lot TJ.)

4. "I'm on a drug..it's called CHARLIE SHEEN. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

This can be taken one of two ways. (A) Charlie Sheen is on such a ridiculous amount/combination of chemical substances, it can only be described as "Charlie Sheen." (B) Charlie Sheen's everyday persona/attitude and approach to life, with or without drugs can only be defined as "being on Charlie Sheen." Either way Charlie Sheen is way bettter than you at what he does, and anybody trying to live their life in the same manner would probably spontaneously combust at a moment's notice, leaving their children to weep over their exploded body. Cause of death: overdose of Rad.

5. "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."

When most people are pushed into a corner upon having their behavior questioned, they shy away from the criticism. They try to hide from it by either lying about it, or pretending like they don't understand why they're receiving criticism and crying about it. Not Rad dudes like Charlie Sheen though. He fucking embraces the haterade. He doesn't have to pretend to be anything he's not. He's a total bitchin' rock star from another planet, so why should he hide it? Fuck you for trying to turn him into something he's not. Let the man bask in his intergalactic glow of Rad.

6. "It's been a Tsunami. And I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard." (in reference to the media)

Like I said. Charlie hasn't shied away from all this negative media feedback. He's embraced it. Oh so everyone wants to do a special on me and how much of a nutjob I am? Good. I'm gonna get on my fucking mercury surfboard and ride out this wave of negative publicity for all it's worth. Last time I checked negative publicity is still publicity. Instead of searching for shelter from the storm and accepting defeat Charlie Sheen knows he can instead surf right through these crashing waves of haterism into history. He know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to become larger than life. Basically Charlie is Brody to the media's Johnny Utah. Vaya Con Fucking Dios. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78s7DO5eehQ

7. "Rock Bottom? That's a fishing term."

What many people define as "rock bottom" experiences, Rad dudes just chalk up as life victories. Partying too hard for the rest of the world isn't a crime, it's an achievement. "Oh I just got a little too awesome for everyone else's liking. Waaah :(. Sorry I have a gift and natural tendency towards winning that can't be tied down. I have an insatiable appetite for life and I eat that shit up and spit it out everyday." He hasn't died yet, so how could Charlie Sheen have possibly hit "rock bottom?" Pretty sure nobody that lives in an LA mansion with multiple hot blondes and makes $2million/30min of work is anywhere close to the end of the road. When Charlie Sheen is blowing dudes under the highway for a hit off the pipe and sleeping in a bed of his own urine, then you can start talking "rock bottom."

8. "Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way."

There seems to be a widespread belief that Charlie's behavior indicates that he has "lost control" of his life. That he is "imprisoned by his disease." Like he's some sort of zombie doing a massive media tour and creating an elaborate marketing plan for his personal brand. Give me a break. Did you ever think that maybe Sheen actually knows EXACTLY what he's doing? He knows what the people want. They want him to continue his standard bitchin' behavior. You think he'd have two million Twitter followers if he issued a half-assed teary eyed apology to everyone and said he'd found Christ and embraced a life of morality? Fuck No. The only apology you're getting outta him is a "sorry you're a loser who wishes he had my life. I made this shit happen on purpose."

9. "AA was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know Adonis DNA."

This is the Sheenism that people most often point to when they're making the "Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy" argument. Oh NOOO. He's making fun of AA! He's talking about tiger blood and Adonis DNA! WTF. This dude is off his rocker! This is Sheen at his most brilliant. Ever been to a court ordered AA meeting..? (yeah me neither). Anyways they're fucking lame. Basically it's a cult where a bunch of losers sit around reciting passages from some book written in 1950 by some super Jesus freak who thinks "faith" and "trust in the lord" will keep you off the Johnnie Walker. Then at the end they all hold hands and basically sing Kumbaya. What a joke. No rad dude of a different breed, with tiger blood and the DNA of a Greek god is gonna buy into this bullshit. Oh you want me to quit drinking because some pussy loser who still can't see his kids and still works in construction says it's the right thing to do? Makes a lot of sense. Maybe those people are just addicted to stupidity. Rad dudes like Charlie Sheen get their lives in order because they pull themselves up by their boot straps, slap themselves and say to the face in the mirror "I gotta get my shit together...because I'm good enough..I'm smart enough...and doggone it people fucking like me" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DIETlxquzY

10. "#Winning."

What really needs to be said here? "Winning" is just a way of life for Rad dudes like Charlie Sheen. It's a philosophy. It's a religion. Most of all it's just an attitude that people everywhere should soak in and embrace. If you're a fucking winner..hey guess what...keep winning. Don't pull an 07' Patriots and let that undefeated record in life slip away at the last second. Fucking close the deal. Live your life by the rules you wrote. Do whatever the hell YOU think is "normal." If you've made it this far at your chosen pace no reason to start going the speed limit for no reason. Just accept that you're better than everyone else and victory will always be within your grasp. That's what Charlie Sheen does. You should start following his example and stick to..DUH...Winning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsIKexb5DM8

Bands That Suck Balls:TV ON THE RADIO

A couple weeks ago I wrote this angry post about how much I hate the modern social networking application known as Twitter: tp://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2011/02/yall-bitchez-iiz-goin-down-tonite-lol.html. I ranted and raved about how self-indulgent it is to "tweet" your thoughts in 140 characters or less so that your "followers" could hang on your every word and action. I stated..and I quote that Twitter "serves absolutely no purpose and contributes nothing to the daily improvment of our society. Well due to the fact that I am somebody with strong convictions who always stands by their opinions, The Lawn joined Twitter this week, and you can now "follow" short, daily blurbs of my angry opinions if you so wish. Just follow @OFFmyLAWNkid on Twitter. Whatever, It's less time consuming for when I don't have time to write massive rants and you don't have time to read them. And more importantly, it enables me to follow the everyday life victories of Hall of Fame Rad dude Charlie Sheen (more on him soon). Now that I'm done sniffing my own farts, back to the usual purpose of this blog with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: TV ON THE RADIO.

God, this band is permanently at an all you can eat buffet at the cock cafe. What the fuck is this shit? First of all sweet name guys. "TV On The Radio..?" Is this a rock band or the title of a George Orwell novel? As usual in judging a book by its cover, we can easily tell just by a brief glance at the appearance of this band that there is zero chance they rock. Lets just get the obvious statement out of the way with what's going on with um..the right side of this picture. Namely how exactly Rivers Cuomo from Weezer accidentally ended up pledging the black fraternity at NYU. I guess to be fair he does share a love for ironic 50s style glasses with some of his bandmates so they've got that. The guy too his immediate left usually rocks a Cornell West fro and hobo beard and is definitely the member of the bend most likely to be plotting a bombing of a government building. What the hell is the deal with the guy in a Hawaiian shirt? He looks like some Kenyan cab driver they picked up off a corner to play synths. Sweet dress sock/sneakers look clown. Rats nest hair bro on the left seems harmless enough, unless you're worried about him selling your little sister bad acid at Bonaroo before the Ziggy Marley set. In front their lead singer looks like Lebron James modeling Kanye West's summer clothing line for GQ. Of course none of the guys are smiling because they're still all VERY pissed at how we're handling the situation in Darfur.

To get some idea of what sort of audio shit storm we're in for once we pop these guys in the tape deck, lets analyze how they are described.

"TV on The Radio is an American experimental (Noise) rock band formed in 2001 in Brooklyn, New York (birthed in a hipster cafe at def poetry night), whose music spans numerous diverse genres (Random assorment of sounds) From post-punk (Never got that) to electro (Synthesizers and computer blurps) and soul music (Black lead singer)."

Well now lets take a listen to what exactly that jungle of bullshit paragraph actually meant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6FUTNa6WJk

...

WHAT. THE FUCK. WAS THAT? They've got your standard shitty band multi jangling guitar attack. A couple of losers including token white guy just amp up the distortion and wail away on one repetitive guitar chord with a rising noise that never builds into anything. Second of all their lead singer has got to have the worst voice of any black vocalist in music history. MY GOD. That was worse than listening to Fran Drescher laugh while somebody simultaneously scratches their nails on a chalkboard. He starts of with some sort of weird pseudo Prince crooning thing going before he just YELPING like a coyote in random intervals. Not singing, not growling with a metal grunt, not wailing...yelping. Then he intermittently screams and sounds like some kid whose voice is cracking in 7th grade PE class. Then since all shitty hipster bands involve multi-vocal harmonizing in some shitty format Radical Terrorist Afro guy starts screaming in falsetto to add to this mess. The drummer while all this is going on just taps a quick jazz beat while never actually banging out a power drum fill. You would think that a rock band featuring four black members would have some sort of funky soul vibe going for them. Not these guys though. They make Radiohead look like Parliament Funkadelic.

Of course TV on the Radio has already recorded an album of the year winner in the eyes of "Spin," been praised by David Bowie and had their songs featured in countless tv soundtracks and commercials. So...these assfucks are here to stay. I'm sure their soon to be released new album of sounds will feature more yelping and jangling distortion than ever. So get psyched. In the meantime I'll be hurling a tv at the radio the next time I'm forced to listen to these fucktards jam out their newest electro alt rock masterpiece anywhere.