Bands That Suck Balls: LCD SOUNDSYSTEM

The new year is upon us, but unfortunately the first week of 2011 has not seen the world of rock and roll magically undergo a transformation back to its previous state of Radness. Music still sucks balls, and there are still a great many shittastic "rock" bands out there playing horrendously lame music, and not getting called out for it. Last week to close out 2010 we examined all the bands that ruled the Billboard charts, thanks to ignorant assholes across the country who thought their awful records were worth forking over 14 pesos for. As I've said before however, mainstream music fans are like the kids who ride the short bus. They've always listened to shitty music and are not gonna change anytime soon. You can't teach a retard to do equations for NASA, just as you can't make a Nickelback fan suddenly gain an appreciation for Led Zeppelin. This week however we turn our attention away from commercially succesful bands and back to the critical darlings of the rock industry. Bands who..when you name drop them, indicate you have a sense of what's cool and hip, show off your refined taste in tunes. Even though these bands are also complete audio diarrhea. One band that was consistently the hip, barely under the radar band on every dipshit music critic's top 10 list for 2010 is this week's Band That Sucks Balls: LCD SOUNDSYSTEM.

If you got past looking at the attached picture of these cock gobblers above without getting the sudden urge to bury a shelter's worth of puppies in a mine shaft, you sir are a stronger soul than I. Just examine the complete lack of Rad in this fucking picture. Back in the day, when you were in a badass rock band your pictures featured you actually looking at the camera, striking a Rad pose and such. Not today. No the boys and girl of LCD Soundsystem would rather sit on a bench and look over yonder with their ironic 80's retro shades and appear introspective. The lead singer James Murphy, is the douchebag on the left in the suit, white sneaks, and t-shirt. He looks like the offspring of an orchestra maestro that got raped by a hipster. Then look at his sidekick Pat Mahoney (most un-Rad rockname ever) on the right. He's rocking a sweet flannel from Urban Outfitters, skinny jeans, hipster beard, and fucking blue sperrys. Is he going sailing after the show? Oh and he's obviously pounding a bottle of Schweppes Ginger Ale (bottom right) in true rock and roll fashion. In the center we have Nancy Whang (giggle..pronounced..WANG) who is an Asian woman. Does anything else really need to be said? I think Yoko Ono set your race/gender combo back a thousand years and pretty much blacklisted you from entering the world of rock and roll forever. Go pick up a violin honey.

(I take that last bit back. "Kassandra" from Waynes World...exception. Totally Rad hot Asian rock chick.)

LCD Soundsystem's music is actually quite a bit worse than you could even imagine based on their appearance. Their band leader Mr. Murphy is credited as playing among other things: percussion, claps, organ, programming (?), drum machine, synths, effects, clavinet, snaps, omnichord, and vocoder. Jesus Christ. So basically he plays 80 million random ass shitty instruments that have no place in rock and roll. Are you serious? Fucking "PROGRAMMING" and "EFFECTS" are considered instruments? Oh sweet he fucking wails on the drum machine. Just because you are over qualified to be a production engineer doesn't mean you should be fronting a rock band fucktard. Pat Mahoney and Ms. Whang (hahahaha...her name's WANG!!) apparently don't do shit when the band's in the studio recording one of their piece of shit albums, but provide support during the live shows. Onstage the frontman can't possibly play THREE synths at the same time (completely essential to a rock band: multiple synths) so that's where redbeard Mahoney and Ms. Shaft (excuse me..Ms. Whang) come into play. Basically their sound is the musical equivalent of throwing 14 variations of feces at a wall and referring to whatever sticks as "art."

This is the part where some hipster who's attended the last five SXSW festivals is slamming down his PBR, throwing his scarf in disgust and yelling "Fuck you angry old man music snob! LCD Soundsystem RULES! Have you ever seen them live??" Um, actually my bearded, "Johnny Ramone for President" t-shirt wearing friend...I have. They SUCK. A couple years ago when I still had a little faith in music and attended festivals, a co-worker told me I HAD to check out LCD Soundsystem if I got a chance. So I actually left the Beastie Boys set early (Rad dance party) to go see what all the fuss was about re: these clowns. I get to the stage there's some asshole screaming in a random rhythm, interjecting weird falsetto yelps into the jam every 30 seconds. Some banging, repetitive piano playing of maximum four keys. Some asshat continuously tapping one piece of his drum kit. And an emo Asian chick intermittently pressing buttons on some sort of effects keyboard. FRIGGIN SWEET! It was like a bunch of songs from a "Flight of The Conchords" episode except sadly this band wasn't making an attempt at humor.

LCD Soundsystem is Exhibit A to my presentation for "Why I no longer attend festivals." You can't go to a festival and simply enjoy the few fun, halfway decent, old groups that are playing. No you have to go see the uniquely hip modern band that either your friends want to check out, or you've been told to see by your music snob buddy. That band ends up being LCD Soundsystem and you end up sitting in 100 degree heat, drinking stale beer, surrounded by hipsters, wanting to bash your brains out with a Louisville Slugger 10 minutes into the set. Count me out of that adventure. I hope LCD Soundsystem dies in a tragic electrical fire caused by the miswiring of their 77 synths and drum machines. If they don't I still don't plan on blasting the musical excrement of these assholes on any soundsystem of mine in the near or distant future.

(BTW....the chick in the band is named...WANG)