Friday, April 1, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: THE BEATLES


Generally on this weekly feature I avoid shitting on bands that one would categorize as "classic rock." People will gladly accept criticism of some shitty modern band, but if you criticize a band that happens to be classified as "classic rock" people will really lose their cool. Look at what happened when I mocked Pink Floyd, making completely ridiculous and unfounded statements like "Most people who enjoy Pink Floyd take drugs." I was crucified by both people with attention deficit disorder, and people who felt not liking Pink Floyd indicated I had attention deficit disorder. This is because when it comes to classic rock, you have no choice but to respect and love these bands. You've been told over the years that they're "pioneers," and that they "changed the face of rock music forever" by historians and of course mom and dad. Because of this you are not allowed to express anything but admiration for these bands. One band in particular is the worst example of this syndrome. A band that is not allowed to finish number 2 on any list of the greatest bands, musicians, artists, whatever in rock history. A band tha,t according to music critics, created at least half of the top 10 greatest rock albums of ALL TIME. A band that, no matter what the discussion, is free from ridicule. I am talking of course, about this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE BEATLES.


God these guys suck so many bowls of nuts. What the fuck is the big deal with The Beatles? They are SO overrated. First of all, lets examine their career, which can basically be split into two separate phases. The first phase of their career was their heartthrob phase when they made teenage girls across the world swoon with a bunch of retarded two and a half minute pop rock songs that I could have written in five minutes. Songs with brilliant lyrics that rhymed "I think you'll understand" with "I wanna hold your hand." Or about loving you "EIGHT days a week" (WTF). Basically a bunch of shitty generic pop songs for kids in the 60s to do the twist to at Spring formal while swinging their hips at least two feet apart from their partner. So nothing in this phase can be associated with rock & roll. During this phase the Beatles were basically N'Sync with bowl cuts and guitars they barely had to strum.


The second phase of their phase of course, was their "innovative" phase. As I've said before "innovative" is often just code for "weird." So it makes logical sense that the Beatles musical "innovation" came after they discovered LSD, expanded their mind and started recording a bunch of nonsensical songs while tripping balls in the studio 24/7. All of these albums are universally considered the most groundbreaking, and revolutionary rock albums ever. Even they often involved songs with stupid kiddie chorus' about walrus,' racoons, and yellow submarines. And their albums used weird production techniques, sound engineering and random instruments the band didn't play like royal trumpets and horns. Since at the time, nobody before them had ever recorded songs about talking animals, and brightly colored sea vessels, or recorded entire "albums" in the traditional sense (with 10 or more tracks on a record, rather than just a pop single with a B side) this was considered grand "innovation." Songs like this stupid jam straight out of a Disney cartoon written by Dr. Seuss were apparently "groundbreaking":




The Beatles are often referred to as "The Fab Four." As if to imply that each member brought something unique and amazing to the table, even though in actuality they all pretty much sucked as rock musicians. To the far and distant left we have George Harrison, the lead guitarist who is often known as "The Quiet Beatle." Which is a nice way of saying he was the biggest pussy in the band. George Harrison spent most of his time as a Beatle being the deep, introspective one who learned about Hinduism while meditating with Ravi Shankar, and writing boring songs like "Here comes the sun." His wife Patti spent most of her time fucking Eric Clapton. To the far right we have good old Ringo Starr who doesn't really have a nickname since "The Useless Beatle" or "The Ugly Beatle" aren't really great monikers to have. His only contribution to the band other than shitty drumming and occasional backup vocals was this retarded song straight out of Spongebob Squarepants:




The two most famous Beatles pictured in the center, were of course Paul McCartney and John Lennon. Outside of his gig as frontman for the most overrated band ever, John Lennon is mostly known for being a stupid whiney hippie accused by the US government of being a Communist party member, who married an ugly Japanese bitch who broke up the band. Seriously how the fuck were you head of the biggest band band in the world and you ended up marrying this disheveled looking beast from the Far East (rather than one of any number of hot Asian slampieces lining up at the docks of Okinawa)? Not to mention she had the voice of a dying ostritch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzKEix4PXBU&feature=related


Paul was the pretty boy of the bunch that all the chicks loved, and widely considered the mastermind of the Beatles since he was the only one that demonstrated ANY musical talent. I mean at least he went onto a fruitful solo career once The Beatles broke up, with his badass band "Wings" featuring his wife Linda (who wasn't an ugly Japanese woman who sounded like a banshee) and Rad hits like "Maybe I'm Amazed." He did however, write the single most annoying Christmas song ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o8-eLZhrOA


Regardless, Paul at least wrote the few halfway decent Beatles songs, and the band broke up because he didn't get along with Hippie boy Lennon and his ugly ass wife, which I can get behind. So I'll give him some due, although he should have left The Beatles to shine on his own way earlier.


I'm sure I will get plenty of hate mail for this entry since I have never met a person in history that wasn't brainwashed into thinking The Beatles were awesome, or at the very least thought that "you have to respect them." People will probably say they liked my blog, but once I shit on the greatest band ever they lost respect for my writing. They will probably tell me I disrespected a group of rock pioneers and clearly only listen to loud, noisy rock music of no substance. They will also probably stop reading halfway through, ignore the fact that the whole point of my blog is to be funny, and not look at the date of this post and the tags at the end of it, to pick up on what was going on.

9 comments:

  1. Amen! Thank you for slamming the Beatles. So overrated, and yes too many of their songs were written for 5 year-olds. How rock and roll is that???? You did forget to mention the Hello Hello song as one of the most annoying piece of shit songs ever written, although Life Goes On was pretty gaytastic. To the contrary keep up the good work dissing some of these old guys. Next up... Bob Dylan. I insist! Being able to write lyrics and poetry for people high on LSD doesn't make you a musician. You have to be able to sing and play your instruments, which he sort of forgot to learn how to do. Also, amen on Pink Floyd. Overrated garbage.

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  2. you guys are fucking dumb and dont know what music is. go back to listening to your screamo bullshit ya fags

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  3. Very clever, I love the beatles and I laughed the whole way through

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  4. I mean you're so wrong on so many levels but I respect you for having the balls. Very well written. The Beatles are the greatest band of all time and I'm not someone who was forced to listen to them as a kid so I'm not the brainwashed type. Any band that can write a song like Michelle AND a song like Helter Skelter probably doesn't suck but to each his own.

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  5. Some good points sir. The Beatles are perhaps the most overrated of the "classic rock" bands, though I daresay their influence on other bands is undeniable. I don't think they are the "greatest band of all time" as one person commented, but they were one of the first bands I listened to growing up. I do enjoy several songs in their catalog, in particular from the "weird" phase. But cheers for having what is certainly a unpopular opinion and standing your ground. I shall stay off thy lawn while jamming the Beatles.

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  6. I'm sure you're so accomplished yourself.. Enjoy your lonely plunge to the bowels of society :)

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  7. Can any of you fucking read? He said it was an April Fool's joke...

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  9. HAHAHA... this will never be old trash.

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