Bands That Suck Balls: THE DECEMBERISTS

Since I don't really make the effort to go out of my way to listen to modern shitty music, It's not easy for me to instantly think up every band that sucks balls of the top of my head. So sometimes I have to do some research. Maybe I skim the SXSW lineup headliners. Check out the week's late night performers. Throw back a couple PBRs with some bearded dudes in Buddy Holly bifocals at the local pool hall and see what they throw on the jukebox (Just kidding I would never do that). Sometimes however, I can just stumble into the week's BTSB entry without too much effort. Like this week for instance. I opened up Rolling Stone's review section and noted that they had just given this band's new album a four star rating. Then I found out that this very same rock band debuted at number 1 this week on the billboard charts and sold 100,000 copies. Whoa. A band that got a great review in Rolling Stone AND is the highest selling album in America..? Wait..and they have a stupid name that refers to some obscure cultural event they learned about during their liberal arts college experience? Well that was easy. This band undoubtedly blows. I give you this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE DECEMBERISTS.

These guys are right out of a "5 hipsters walk into a bar" joke. If you're putting together your stereotypical hipster entourage, what do you need? Fedoras, fat guys, beards, retro frame glasses, and an ugly bitch. In some combination. Well lets see here. We've got three fedoras. Two sets of retro framed glasses, two fat guys, one beard and an ugly bitch with bangs. Done. Including one super-douche with a beard, retro glasses, a fedora AND an ironic bow tie to boot. Man these guys are just chomping at the bit to rock our balls off with their unique brand of um..lets see...

"Upbeat pop, instrumentally lush ballads...employing instruments like the accordian, organs, andd upright bass...eschewing angst and introspection in favor of a storytelling approach..Critics compare them to Neutral Milk Hotel"

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Decemberists#Musical_style)

So to translate that incoherent sentence of bullshit for you...BOOOOOOWRING. Why does every fucking hipster band have to employ an accordian and an upright bass? It's like the musical pioneer that inspired all future generations of indie hipster bands was an Italian jazz restaurant owner in Williamsburg NY. Also just to clarify, "Neutral Milk Hotel" is not to be confused with their alt-folk-pop counterparts "Negative Heavy Cream Inn."

Delving further into their background I found that The Decemberists are from Portland, Oregon which explains so much more. Portland, Oregon is like Austin if UT didn't exist, SXSW were held year round in a rain storm, and they didn't have the term "Texas" attached to their name. They even have a comedy-short based show coming out on IFC to up their indie cred (http://www.ifc.com/portlandia/). Anyways, I digress. I was also curious as to how they came up with their stupid name. The Decemberists? Is this because they are dark and solemn like the month of December at all times? Nah that'd be too obvious. Clearly they were named after an 1800's Russian uprising and acccompanying unfinished Tolstoy novel based upon it's events. Clearly the band hit it off studying Soviet Literature 200 during their life-changing study abroad experience in Moscow. What a bunch of douchebags. "Ohhh we're so cultured. We used to read Tolstoy and buy beer for 20 Rubles at the local KIOSK..it's like a corner store street vendor, they have them everywhere in MOSKVA." Kill yourselves.

The Decemberists' Tolstoy-inspired brand of communist indie rock can best be described as alt-folk ensemble storyteller rock. Take the worst Neil Young song you can think of, except picture four Neil Youngs singing in unison, and add an accordian solo to compliment the harmonica and depressing lyrics. At least Neil Young sang about doing heroin and protesting the Vietnam war. That's KIND OF an intriguing story being told over the snorefest that is your acoustic guitar and harmonica. Well the Decemberists claim their drug of choice is "Orangina" (I'm not making this up) and their rocking jams tell stories about the most boring and mundane fictional characters ever. Depressed housewives, Turkish gypsies, architects, the pharmacist at your CVS. Totally lame. Not only that, they up the pretentious art-rock douche factor by naming their storytale rock in the most complex, unrevealing manner possible. I can only imagine the awesomeness encompassed in the listening experience of their 2009 classic: "The Hazards of Love 1 (The Prettiest Whistles Won't Wrestle the Thistles Undone)." God how do you assholes ever get a chance to breath in the studio amidst inhalling the smell of your own farts 24/7?

The only positive aspect about most hipster indie-rock is generally the fact that it just that..Indie. Not mainstream. Not often exposed to my eardrums. I get pissed off enough hearing about "rock" bands like The Decemberists. I would hate actually being forced to listen to their shitty accordian organ folk rock dog excrement on a daily basis. So please stop assholes like this from starting a movement and invading our mainstream with an influx of horrendous ensemble noise rock. Basically, if you see a crowd of bearded guys in fedoras and an ugly bitch with bangs about to purchase an accordion and upright bass in an antique shop this weekend, knock them unconscious and tie them up in the nearest alley immediately. You'll be doing our nation's airwaves a great favor.