Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: NEON TREES


Back in the day, when SNL was still funny, Conan was still on network television, and George Lopez was still languishing away in night clubs doing unfunny stand up about Mexican stereotypes, late night television was pretty badass. Aside from the obvious draw of the comedy bits, people actually tuned into late night shows and stayed up till the end to catch the performance of the night's musical guest. There was a natural progression in a band's road to mainstream relevance. If a trendy band started gathering some indie rock buzz they played on Conan past midnight where only stoned college kids were awake to see them perform. Then once they released an album and solid single they moved up an hour earlier and performed on Letterman/Leno (generally Letterman). Then once the band was officially a cool band with "mainstream credibility" (yes those two terms were once synonomous) they played a gig on SNL. Today of course since 99.9% of all rock music is total poop, staying up to watch the musical guest on any of the aforementioned late night forums, just means infuriating myself right before I hit the sack. This week we cover a shitty band that is currently moving up the ranks of late night TV gigs. Soon they'll surely be the mainstream hip band that everyone likes. Before that happens I might as well preemptively skewer these dickheads. Lets hope the four people who read my blog will alert the masses to stop supporting this shiitastic band before they take over our airwaves for good. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: NEON TREES.

Is this fucking band for real? I mean..are they actually trying to be taken seriously as a rock and roll band? They can't be. This has gotta be some sort of fucking joke. Take a long look at the complete asshats pictured above. Ohhh sweet retro shades guys. You look so damn cool staring off into the distance in opposite directions while posing in front of a scenic desert rock. What's with the twat on the far left with her butch haircut, silver boots and spandex pants? Looks like Star Trek is missing their hipster chick. Then we've got James Dean Jr. in his "faux hawk" (possibly the most douchetastic haircut in history) rocking his rolled up Levis and leather jacket. Dude, "The Outsiders" called to say that even Pony Boy could kick your ass. Far right we have some art school fucktard that is apparently working at a drive up diner to help pay his way through school. Finally we have the lead singer stepping to the forefront amidst this bashing of his bandmates saying "whoa whoa..easy there..a little respect..for I am Costanza...king of the douchebags." Sweet comb down hawk. Are you starring in a remake of "The 5th Element"..? Who told you rocking a baby blue bow tie with a pea coat and skinny jeans was badass? Oh, your art school boyfriend to the right. Fair enough.

Since Neon Trees hail from the totally Un-Rad streets of Provo, Utah you'd assume they don't have a totally unique rock sound that blows out your speakers. You'd be right. Neon Trees have that standard shitty indie rock sound built around four assfucks who can't play their instruments banging 3 notes repetitively while hipster dancing in unison. "Ughhh..well maybe if we all stand in one place, swaying our head back and forth with solemn looks on our faces, people will be distracted from the fact that this song sucks monkey dong."Good thinking guys, but I'm onto your plan. Their lead singer of follows the vocal model of every other horrendous rock frontman. Sing in a slowly building whispering whine for a while until you hit the standard hook built around some variation of an annoying "oh ohhhhhhhh" or "whoaaaaaaaa" chorus that fucking blows. Seriously if I wrote an album for a band where every track's chorus was just a slightly different arrangement of the words "ohhhhhh, soooooo, whoaaaaa and goooooo" sung by some weepy pussy I guarantee it goes triple platinum.

Whatever, maybe I'm being too harsh on these kids. Maybe they're one of those shitty bands that is actually into really cool music but is just paying their dues with some craptastic poppy singles. Or just marketing a certain "look" that the record label knows will gather a buzz. I bet they'd love to show us that deep down they've got some real rock and roll chops. Lets watch Neon Trees take us by surprise and impress us with a totally Rad cover..


Ok nevermind. Throw these guys in a Russian prison cell with a pack of bears and throw away the key. I've seen it all and I'm done.

31 comments:

  1. You actually think anyone reads this crap? Neon Trees is amazing. Please get over your burning jealousy that you are not rich and famous like them, you're just a bitter, lonely old man.

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    1. You're joking right? They are seriously horrible. That everybody talks song is fucking horrendous, i think it it the dumbest song I have ever heard.... You write a song about people talking and gossiping? Cool bro... Ugh pop music

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    2. agree there lead singer is gay and overall songs suck balls!

      who likes this crap, must be the kiddies?

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    3. What's wrong with being gay? You do realise the lead singer is actually Homosexual?

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  3. Who the hell are Neon Trees and what the hell is up with the creepy dude looking like he's about to unzip his pants ? Well done on this one, props to you.

    And for comment #1 , if they are that rich they could definitely afford to get some help in the styling department because wtf is going on with them.. go back to Utah

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  4. That looks like Arches Utah! What a great place for campfire stories, chapped lips, and scorpion stings! I bet some extremely great rock bands come from that atmosphere with all the life experiences that are possible there...

    I just went to a minor league hockey game, so this came to mind.

    Mikaaaaela... Mikaaaaela... Mikaaaaela... YOU SUCK!!!!

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  5. Todd - Great website. Keep it up

    My only question is, where the hell do you find these bands? I wasn't going to comment on this, but then I saw that Mikaela, obviously some German whore, spoke so passionately about them, I had to add my two cents in. Well, without even listening to a note, this band looks like a 2011 version of the Culture Club, i.e. huge pussies. Granted, Motley Crue (who should be featured as a rad band by the way), whore make-up, but they probably fucked your mom, while shooting up some heroin and your dad crying in the corner of the room, but I digress.

    Next, this band is from Utah. What good has come out of Utah? The only thing I can think of is Keith Van Horn, and that's not saying much.

    I actually clicked on the link you posted and realized that they did a cover of Justin Bieber, seriously? You want to be a fucking rock band and you are doing a cover of a 13 yr old song? Rock bands belt out their own shit to make 13 yr olds want to copy their style, nice vice versa? Think about it, what college student thinks, wow that middle school kid is cool, I want to be like him? No. You really sure turn in your dicks just for having the thought cross your brain.

    Also, rich and famous? Having a fan page on Facebook doesn't make you famous. Rich? Since they are from Utah, they probably only got a $10k advance, no rights to their masters, need to reimburse the record company for paying the radio station for airplay, reimbursing the radio station for gay clothing and then after taxes, they might have been better off working at McDonalds.

    All in all, good job picking these no talent ass clowns for Bands that Suck"

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  6. Somehow they found another art school fucktard to play with them in the cover song video. How many are necessary to do a Justin Bieber cover? Thanks for profiling this band that sucks.

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  7. Every time I turn on the radio, even on the decent stations, this fucking tripe is playing. "Oh ohhhhh I want some moooo, Oh ohhhh what are you waiting foooo" ad infinitum.

    Who the fuck decided that this was better than countless other worthy bands who are struggling to get a name for themselves? I hope they sleep easy on their beds of the cash from the pockets of stupid hipster rich kids.

    I may be overreacting, but this shit happens all the time. The stations insist on promoting tuneless, flash-in-the-pan, novelty, style-over-substance bollocks, then they all fizzle into nothing.

    Neon Trees can fuck off, even if it is in a fashionably ironic manner.

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  8. dude you need to do a review of the killers asap

    MORMON pretentious lead singer whose last name is flowers and likes to diss kurt cobain whose last song was

    are we human or dancer (insert wtf for sticking it to the makers of the English language)

    that should be nuff reason

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  9. This band is terrible and song is worse, this tune plays on the radio 5 times a day. They are attempting to look indie but their music is not indie music, it is repetitive, pop and in no sense rhythmic. their chorus doesn't even have rhythm and is just a catchy mainstream piece of shit to get teenagers with bad choice of music to sing along.

    sorry for the rant, I could go on longer. This song plays on the radio over 5 times a day at work, we're not allowed to change the station, and it ruins my day.

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  10. You can all go fuck yourselves. Neon Trees is a great band, the members are wonderful people and if you don't like it, don't fucking listen.

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    1. You obviously just don't know what good music is, let alone music itself. Also, I can agree with rapsac when it comes to the hearing that fucking song at least 5 times while at work. I also can not change the station at work so it's not really my decision to hear that farting noise in the first place. I think it is you who needs to stop coming on to websites to stick up for that shitty band you like when the majority of the page clearly does not like the strokes.. I mean... wait. This "original" band can't possibly sound EXACTLY like another band! fuck you

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    2. you must be a 12 year old girl or gaypride?

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  11. Awesome post. Made me laugh my ass off! Neon Trees blows big time. Judging by that gem of a picture that you posted above it almost looks as if each band member is trying to outdouche the other in terms of flamboyancy and suckery. Cover of Justin Bieber??? Good god, that just proves how bad these guys suck.

    Echelon, you sound like a little peewee who likes crappy music and wouldn't know what real rock was if it hit him in the balls. It isn't a question of not listening, I can't help but hear these dickasses everywhere I turn. Listen to real rock, not a bunch of posers.

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  12. Neon Trees is one of the worst poser bands in history. Their music sucks so bad and then when you think it can't get worse - their personalities suck even harder. They were the opening act for a concert I saw yesterday. Luckily never heard of them until then but now that I have, I will hate them forever. The lead singer is a total moron and encourages fighting and trampling in the crowd. So that pretty much guarantees they'll never have any fans if they try to kill off any possible ones first... smart move & a great way to make a first impression. Oh and the Bieber cover must top it... I'm not even going to attempt to listen to that. Hearing/seeing them live is bad enough - excuse me while I thoroughly disinfect my eardrums & eyeballs. It's a band of wanna-be's who probably would be homeless if some retard didn't give them the chance they didn't deserve. there has to be way better bands out there who aren't getting recognized and deserve it much more than this cruel joke to music & humanity - hope they disappear from the music scene really soon.
    PS: I enjoyed your review! :)

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  13. As far as I'm concerned:

    Shit:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM7Hlg75Mlo

    Indie:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P3lhrwio-M

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  14. Sorry Luke, you are right about Neon Trees being shit, but your Indie band, The Pixies, are also shit. They suck just as bad as the Neon Trees.

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  15. I concur, Neon Trees suck. I'm a music major and I'm sure everyone else who really knows music can agree that this band is painful to listen to.

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  17. Whoever said "Neon Trees is amazing" needs to be kicked in the balls, except I think it was a chick and she has to be mormon. They're from fucking Provo, the bubble city where BYU is. I stayed there a few weeks and now the reason Neon Trees sucks so much makes perfect sense to me.

    Brandon Flowers is anything but pretensious. He's trying to balance figuring out if he should be mormon with being in the rock scene, which as a former mormon I have a lot of respect for.

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  18. I was really wondering if anybody else thought the neon trees sucked ass. I just saw them on David Letterman and oh gosh what a crappy song. The performance was awful as well. Even the choir kids they had looked fucking stupid. Why these morrons have 11,000,000 hits on youtube is way beyond me.

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  19. Isn't this that one-hit-wonder band with that popsong about doing harddrugs? I'd say that song is pretty decent... catchy, doesn't take itself too seriously, has the balls to be about harddrugs in today's kid-friendly pop-environment.

    (here we go agaaaiiin,
    I feel the chemicals kickin' iiiiiin)

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    1. The song is actually far from being about hard drugs. I would like to think that it is about him doing a lot of cocaine, but it just isn't. It's about him being ascared of a girl or something along those lines. Unfortunately, I can agree with that song being catchy, but after hearing it 4,845,729 times... it starts to hit you after the 10th time that it's not so catchy anymore. In fact, this band is just plain annoying. So this is still a kidi-friendly pop cultured loving environment. The music on the radio only seems to get worse, and far too simply stupid.

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  20. That fucking Ohhh hooooo shit is on the radio all the time. If I had any choice I would not listen to them, ever.

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    1. Really. I never hear them on the radio. What station did you hear them on?

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  21. Somebody, please! Tell me you think this shit band neon trees sounds, to a T, like the strokes. A friend of mine used to love the strokes, so after hearing that song that sounds like it's about the guy having a heart attack from doing too much cocaine, I actually thought it was the strokes. But it was not. Just another god awful band that is going to be playing on the radio constantly. And this stupid neon trees song wasn't even about cocaine, or any drugs!! What a disappointment this cruel fucked up world can be :[

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    1. this sounds nothing like neon trees.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXkm6h6uq0k&ob=av2n

      why so much hate for the strokes? they're an old band recently come to popularity because of their latest album which was (in my honest opinion) not very good. there old stuff is great though.

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  22. Ummmm alot of people listen to them they are good......thats your thought, they are not the best but they are deffenitly not the worst

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