Sunday, May 22, 2011

Hater Mailbag Volume 3


When we last left the haters, they were making use of the All-Caps key to emphasize how sad and lonely I was, inquiring whether I had A.D.D., and questioning my lack of intellect and maturity, all while butchering the proper spelling of the term "you're" as usual. A couple weeks passed, and once again I came under the assumption that the haters had been subdued. Commentary from normal people who actually read blogs because they enjoy what's on the site, was on the rise again. All seemed well. Then of course as they always do, the haters came out of the woodwork in record numbers. Spewing their "logical arguments," questioning if I in fact liked any type of music, or just resorting to childish insults if they didn't have the time to jot down a coherent argument. Of course as I always do, I got a great chuckle out of all these losers with nothing better to do than angrily criticize an obscure blog, from the comfort of their laptops. I have once again compiled the lamest commentary on this side of the blogosphere, and will now address the haters in my Third Hater Mailbag. Without further ado, BRING ON THE HATE!

LukeGroundFlyer RE: "Deutschland"

"Look at that shit. Just fucking watch that shit. And when you're done with that shit, take a look at this shit." (Inserts THREE youtube clips of soccer goals.)

Wow a non-music snob hater. Ok first of all, I wrote my soccer rant during the World Cup, which last time I checked was...a year ago. The devotion of haters to their craft, never ceases to amaze me. Seriously you just NOW went back 150 posts in the archives to go off on me for hating soccer last year? Anyways just showing me Youtube clips of the sport you grew to love during your two months abroad in Madrid, is not really gonna change my opinion of it. Oh sweet 36 second clip of this awesome goal. What happened during the other 89 minutes and 24 seconds of the match? NOTHING? Cool that's what I thought. Continue to "Support" your favorite "Club" (Pretentious Soccer fact #37272 fans don't root/cheer for teams...they "Support Clubs") all you wish, but don't expect a few clips to change my opinion of your lame sport.

"G" re: TOOL

"this sounds like something the band would say themselves just to throw off their herd..how i even came across this i cant even remember..but i leave you with this: i heard what you said..you know nothing of their work!..You mean their whole fallacy is wrong..How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing...if you don't get this then..eh forget it..."

? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0

Huh? That folks literally was the worst written English paragraph I have ever seen. Just read this sentence again: "You mean their whole fallacy is wrong." Ok do you even know what "fallacy" means? Using fancy college boy words can be very effective in debate..if you know..used properly. You just said that I meant Tool's whole incorrect reasoning and misconceptions is wrong. Um. Yeah sure I guess. However the fuck that is a point is beyond me. Also, who told this guy about my secret life as a college professor. I don't remember including "Professional Music teacher" on my blogger profile anywhere, so...don't worry I haven't gotten to teach a course in anything. How you passed a course in anything, with writing is beyond amazing.

LUKE re: Neon Trees

As far as I'm concerned:
Shit: (Inserts Shitty "Neon Trees" clip)
Indie: (Inserts Shitty "The Pixies" clip)

Oh god. The old school hipster music snob. Somehow his positive commentary infuriated me more than most negative commentary. "Oh yeah I agree that Neon Trees sucks balls, now let me show you all what REAL indie rock is about with this noise rock classic from The Pixies." For the record, The Pixies suck just as much dick as Neon Trees. Just because some assfuck at Spin told you they have three of the greatest 90's rock records ever, and used some fancy language in doing so, doesn't mean they were actually any good. Anyways, whatever one noise rock indie band sounds just like the next one, maybe I just have an extremely shallow taste in music.

LUKE re: Vampire Weekend

"Been snooping around your blog for a bit, and I have to say, you sir, have an extremely shallow taste in music....And I don't mean that's necessarily bad, I just mean, like, don't you ever get tired of the pentatonic scale every once in a while?"

Ok I love the disclaimer on this one: "I don't mean that's necessarily bad." You just told me I was shallow, which is by definition an insult, but then said that's "not necessarily bad." That's like me saying "with all due respect...your girlfriend is kinda a bitch." The first disclaimer doesn't clear me of the second part. Also, I HATE the fucking pentatonic scale argument. "OHHH FANCY MUSIC TERMINOLOGY!!" From what I understand from my friends who play the guitar (layman's terms here obviously) the pentatonic scale is a sort of base blues rock scale that lots of great guitarists like your Stevie Ray Vaughans and Buddy Guy's of the world have always used. Basically a scale where there is a lack of dissonance, and notes don't clash in sound. I.E. melodic...sounding like actual music..etc. Gimme a break. Oh and this argument is made in defense of fucking "Vampire Weekend?" Yeah pretty sure the guitarist of every band I like can play whatever bullshit "scale" these hipster jangle rockers can play.

Echelon re: Neon Trees

"You can all go fuck yourselves. Neon Trees is a great band, the members are wonderful people and if you don't like it. don't fucking listen."

Great argument. Uh...I don't like Neon Trees...which is why I don't fucking listen to their music. I just write hater blog posts about their shitty band. Now that that's out of the way, "The members are wonderful people" is not a point. I could care less if a band's members are horribly immoral, drug-addled assholes..in fact I'd prefer it.

Jade re: Fleet Foxes

"I would be extremely interested to know what kind of music you DO like.The only thing I got out of this was that YOU suck balls."

Kevin re: Fleet Foxes

"Yeah dude, Jade's right. You're an idiot. Big time."

Wow Fleet Foxes fanbase is apparently made up of former debate team captians. "YOU suck balls"..."Yeah agreed..what she said." For all the criticism I get for not criticizing the actual merits of a shitty band's music, half of you hater commenters never actually argue FOR the merits of your favorite shitty band's music. "I don't know why Fleet Foxes are good..they just are...so..you're an idiot. Big time." Since no effort was made here, I'm not gonna bother reiterating what type of music I live and will just take the childish route. I like music that DOESN'T suck balls, unlike Fleet Foxes.

Adley re: R.E.M.

"Your convictions have no merit. I would imagine as you might be able to distinguish "rock," you certainly are unable to distinguish "art".

Congratulations to Adley for being the first hater in history to use "your" properly. Other than that, fuck him. I am unable to distinguish "art"..? Jesus christ. I write a blog that features Clint Eastwood holding a shotgun as its logo, and the term "sucks balls" in the title of its main weekly feature. Do you really thing I care at all about distinguishing "art?" The only music I am able to distinguish is in fact rock, so I could really give half a shit if you think I can't comprehend "art." To me "art" these days is just defined as anything abstract looking/sounding that can't be classified within a normal category. Which is why a painting of Kramer from "Seinfeld" isn't selling for millions of dollars, but a picture of a deformed purple frog with triangles for eyes does. Doesn't mean I would prefer the former hanging on my wall. Also why R.E.M. is considered "better" music with more "artistic merit" than say Def Leppard. One band can easily be classified as fun arena party rock, the other band fits into no genre other than "alternative," making it "art." Well if simplistic loud, fun music played on a pentatonic scale, isn't art then I have no interest in distiguishing if any of my favorite bands fit into your pretentious classification of what makes music "art."

Anyways, that's all for this edition of Hater Mailbag. Don't be shy haters, I welcome ridiculing your future childish insults, illogical arguments, and general poor grammar as they get posed on my little blog. Please keep the negative commentary coming. Haters make the world go round' and this irrationally angry site welcomes your irrational anger with open arms. Till next time KEEP HATIN'!

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