Thursday, May 19, 2011
Bands That Suck Balls: DAUGHTRY
Due to technical difficulties with Google last week, there was no Bands That Suck Balls entry posted at it's regularly scheduled date. Wouldn't want anybody to think a week passed where I COULDN'T think of a bands that suck balls. Anyways, I wrote a Mother's day tribute post a few weeks ago and it occurred to me that I forgot to mention another distinct mom trait. Namely, the tendency to discuss subjects with their sons, that no man would generally have any interest in dicussing. Prime example: American Idol. More than any other demographic, moms fucking love them some American Idol. For some reason they believe that their sons also share a deep fondness for Karaoke renditions of Motown. It never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday my mom asked me if I knew that "the rocker guy" had been kicked off the show. No mom, in the middle of my busy day of drinking beer, watching sports and surfing heterosexual porn I did not get a chance to peruse the "AI" standings. At any rate, American Idol used to be a show aimed at finding the next shitty Billboard pop artist, but in recent years we've apparently seen the advent of "the rocker guy" showing up on the program each season. Some guy who wants to be a "rock star", but can't find any other pussies who share his affinity for the Goo Goo Dolls, and want to form a band. This trend can be largely attributed to the success of this week's Band That Sucks Balls: DAUGHTRY.
I have resisted the urge to do a "Daughtry" entry for a while because I wasn't even sure if they qualified as a "rock band." Well upon further research they do qualify, and I think I'm stating the obvious when I say they absolutely suck enormous quantities of balls. One peek at this entourage of fucksticks should tell you that. Whose mom fucking dressed the above set of dickheads? We've got homeless man's Richie Sambora on the right dressed a lot like I used to...when I was 10. Hey 1994 called, they want their chain wallet and airwalks back clown. Then we've got three other tools dressed in some variation of the "mid-life crisis bro" wardrobe. Form fitting jeans, v-neck t-shirt and jacket combo, boots, and a chain or dog tag as rad neck accessory to round things out. Second tard from the right kicked the badass up a notch with his sweet mohawk, so we're all aware that he downloaded a Ramones song off Itunes once. Of course king assfuck is Chris Daughtry himself, pictured second from the left. Sweet leather suit guy. Clearly this guy is business...but also here to party. Cue ball also rocks the pencil goatee and chin strap beard generally seen on Turkish businessmen who roofie girls at club. All these characteristics would lead one to believe there is absolutely no rocking out on the horizon when these guys step onstage. Lets confirm this assumption now:
Jesus fucking christ. These guys are basically the Michelob Ultra to Nickelback's Budweiser. What the shit. Every once in a while Nickelback drops some wannabe party rock jame between their many horrendous lumberjack arena power ballads. Even though we never actually believe that Chad Kroeger and the douche patrol are "GOING OUT TONIGHT!! DRINKING LOTS OF BEERS!! HANGING OUT WITH MODELS!!" etc. I guess you can give them a D for effort. Daughtry doesn't even try to sugar coat how lame they are. They exclusively sing weepy power ballads without a hint of balls. Daughtry does the grungy Nickelback snarl scream to a T on all his hooks, while gently crooning during the rest of the jam. In order to look like an authentic rock frontman, rather than Michael Bolton with a backing band, Daughtry occasionally straps on an acoustic guitar to strum and inaudibly compliment the band's otherwise electric sound. Just like....Taylor Swift does. Oh you're HOLDING a guitar? Well clearly you're a rock star in that case. I mean if you were rocking a mohawk with that acoustic ala your bassist, I would really hesitate on betting against you in a fight with Michelle Brance.
The rest of the band of course also gobbles giant bowls of dick. Which pretty much goes without saying. I mean...how shitty a set of rock musicians do you have to be to end up as the backing band of an American Idol winner? (Editor's note, just called mom and can now confirm Daughtry was actually just a finalist) You're in a "band" whose name acknowledges only the lead singer. I mean even Jimi Hendrix was nice enough to add the words "The Experience" to his name to emphasize the presence of a complete band. Cream wasn't just named "Clapton" (although they probably should have been). How embarrassing is it to just be the anonymous other members of Daughtry's band? Can you imagine telling people that's your job description? How do these guys show their faces at family Thanksgiving?
Douche Guitar Bro: Guess what guys? I got a new gig! I'm gonna be playing guitar for that guy who finished fourth on American Idol!"
Dad (with palm to face): "Thanks for sharing son, now can we wait till after dessert to discuss you blowing dudes in bathrooms, or did you wanna reveal that now too?"
Anyways, American Idol is still going stronger than ever, so I don't expect it's influence on popular music to waver anytime soon. Which is fine with me. You can ship up all the Carrie Underwoods and Kelly Clarksons in the world up to Clive Davis and let them record 100 breakup anthems for skanks to drunkenly sing at karaoke on gals night out. Just don't make any more contributions to the world of rock & roll please. Don't take the guy who stole America's heart with his edgy version of "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch," strap a guitar on him, put him in front of four douches with leather jackets and chain wallets, and call it a "rock band." I can distinguish the sight of true rock & roll from that of "The Clay Aiken Experience" any day of the week.