Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Rappers That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE
I was in high school around the time rock music REALLY started to suck balls, with the Limp Bizkits and Korns of the world taking over the airwaves. As reaction to all this garbage I, along with many other youths turned to gangster rap as our new rebellious music of choice. My friends and I cruised around the burbs blasting the latest hip hop shit, and jammed out to it in our headphones to get amped before basketball games. At the time most rap music was fucking rad, so we could compile a pretty massive collection of jams when we all shared and copied the CDs each of us had bought/downloaded off Napster. Our one friend however, was useless in that department because he only listened to horrendous Dirty South rap the rest of us had no interest in. "No dude I am not gonna lend you the latest Wu-Tang CD in exchange for the chance to burn your 5th Ward Weebie LP." By far his favorite rappers were the members of "Cash Money Records." For those of you who can't remember, Cash Money specialized in releasing 17 albums of year from their lineup of generic shitty rappers who all rapped about having bling, being rich, buying rims...and nothing else. We all assumed that this collection of shitbags would eventually fade out, and they pretty much did..except for one member who many years later, grew up to be the "greatest rapper alive." Zero idea what caused this phenomenon, and I wanted to address it in this week's edition of Bands (Rappers) That Suck Balls: LIL WAYNE.
Just take a moment to soak in the above picture, for you are looking at Lil Wayne..King of the Ass Clowns. Whether you refer to him as Lil Wayne, Lil Weezy, Weezy F Baby or any other fucking retarded nickname he's bestowed upon himself, you are talking about a magna cum laude graduate of Bozo University. Seriously just look at this fucking dickhead. First of all he is keeping it mad real in a PINK camoflauge hoodie. Apparently borrowed from a female marine who will kick his ass if he doesn't return it. Of course his hoodie is unbuttoned with no shirt underneath so that we can witness his 117 stupid tattoos inked across his 140 pound frame. Walking around shirtless to flash your tats is only badass and intimidating if you're jacked like a jail homie. If you're skinny and walk around shirtless flashing your stupid tats...it's retarded. Take it from me, a skinny guy with stupid tattoos. Finally urban society finally progressed to the point that you don't have to sag your pants off your ass to look cool. Lil Wayne however, is trying to bring it back, by taking the fashion trend to an even more idiotic level, and sagging his pants..beneath his dick. Thanks you shithead the world really needed to see your rainbow polka dotted boxer briefs. Finally he has what appears to be the word "Rape" on his belt buckle, presumably to remind him what will happen on a daily basis if he ever goes to real prison.
I don't feel the need to attach clips of this imbecile's musical genius to reinforce my argument, because..who HASN'T hear what Lil Wayne sounds like. If you've turned on the radio, been to a bar or attended a frat party in the last five years, you've heard this fucktard's music blasting. I really don't care what anybody says, Lil Wayne is an awful rapper. First of all he has the WORST voice ever. He sounds like a ashtmatic frog croaking through one of those throat cancer patient voiceboxes. I don't care if his lyrics involve the most poetic analogies in the world, there's no way I can get past his voice to appreciate his "true appeal." Speaking of which..he has none. Rappers used to rap about Rad shit like selling coke, shooting people, and pouring champagne on bitches. Lil Wayne raps about complete bullshit like being an alien from another planet and other ridiculous statements that lend to him just bragging about how awesome he is through metaphor. Yes there is a skill to this, but still it's fucking boring and gets old quick. We get it, your shit's hotter than summer and you are colder than winter, lets move on. As for the actual musical aspect I don't really get the big deal either. It's not like his songs are particularly catchy, his beats are generic synthesized crap, and his hooks generally employ him auto-tune singing (maybe the worse vocal innovation in music history.) So yeah long story short, no possible reason to throw this on the Ipod.
What is even more infuriating about Weezy F FuckStick is that people actually believe he is an amazing "artist." I mean I'm not here to judge every douchebag that makes ignorant rap music, because generally nobody takes those guys seriously. I mean yeah Three Six Mafia won an Oscar, but I don't think anybody is arguing the creative merits of "Sipping on Some Syzzurp." Weezy however is a universally adored, and critically acclaimed musical artist. He is on the cover of legitimate music publications not called "The Source" or "XXL." He fucking started writing articles..FOR ESPN. WHY?? Why the FUCK do I care to hear some shitbag rapper rant about his predictions for the upcoming NFL season? (BTW Weezy's favorite sports teams are apparently the Boston Red Sox, Boston Bruins, Green Bay Packers, and LA Lakers...i.e. four random ass teams nowhere close to his native New Orleans..also idiotic). He fancies himself as some sort of hybrid musical/entertainment/cultural icon whose brilliance we should bow down to, as he emphasizes any time a reporter sits down with him. All this would be obnoxious enough if it's the only shit he bragged about, and he didn't you know, expect us to actually acknowledge he's an icon among..actual human beings in society. Of course Lil Wayne then sets the record straight with brilliant soundbites like this:
When asked about the perception he’s over-saturating the market with his music, Wayne responds,
“Darling, I don’t care what nobody think. Talk to me like you talk to Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. You’re not going to ask him about what he thinks about what somebody said about him. You ask him about his greatness, and his greatness only.”
WHAT?? Yeah I mean your fucking hot jam about getting sucked off like a lollipop is basically equivalent to the "I have a Dream" speech. If I remember correctly Malcolm X's led his followers by example, largely through wearing his trousers below his dick and getting teardrops tattoed on his face. What a self-righteous cock. Sadly people actually buy this up as evidenced by the fucking "Free Weezy" t-shirts (A new ironic hipster fad) you see every time he's serving hard time in jail as a celebrity for possessing high amounts of weed and codeine. WHY? Why the hell should we free this completely useless asshole with no redeeming qualities? He's not a messiah. Lock his midget ass up and throw away the key. Fuck freeing Weezy. Free us, the public, from having to listen to this batshit moron croak out any further nonsense every time a microphone is put in front of him.