Monday, May 30, 2011
Lawn Summer Movie Preview
Today is Memorial Day so I hope that all of you took some time out from BBQing and drinking budweiser by the pool this weekend to remember our nation's brave war veterans. For most of the country , Memorial Day weekend means the official start of summer, as school is out and the weather is finally warm enough for shorts and flip flops. On a related note Memorial Day weekend is also the beginning of summer movie season. That time of year where Hollywood rolls out their best "popcorn flicks" (Movies that don't require thinking) in an effort to get you to fork over $10 to your local cineplex on a weekly basis. Of course, as is the case with all entertainment these days, 90% of what is released is bound to be complete garbage. This year looks no different, as a quick glance at the summer release schedule tells me there are only a few movies worth wasting two hours of my Saturday on. Without further ado I have decided to preview all the major upcoming releases in the Lawn's 2011 Summer Movie Preview.
1. The Hangover 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYL_T7f59o8
This is probably the first summer movie I will check out, solely because the first one was hilarious. I have to say however, that I have pretty low expectations for this one. This is based primarily on the proven fact that comedy sequels always suck, even when the entire cast returns. I mean even if they're not bad, they never live up to the standard of the original. The Hangover Part 2 basically looks like they made the same exact movie again, but switched the setting to Bangkok. Which is fine, but one of the things that made the Original Hangover so great was that it was an original ridiculous premise. How the fuck does the same exact thing happen again? After one bachelor party where the random weirdo roofied all our drinks with hallucinogenic drugs, wouldn't you NOT invite that asshole back for another go-around? Or at least monitor your cocktails closely? Obviously this is too much logic for a Bro comedy, so lets just move on.
2. The Tree of Life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXRYA1dxP_0
This wins the prize for "Summer film most likely to garner 12 Oscar nominations" come award season." It also wins the award for "completely bullshit movie I am least likely to watch." I love this trailer that tells me absolutely NOTHING about what the hell this movie is about. This looks like they took the bullshit indie art film that won "best original short" at SXSW and made it a two hour movie. Oh so we've got Brad Pitt...and he raises some kids in a suburb..and the skies are overcast. Oh and now we get to see some flames...and some ocean waves..and then HEY LOOK there's Sean Penn...running his fingers under a sink. Hey Brad Pitt, I didn't see "Babel" or "Benjamin Button" either and I'm not gonna see your latest abstract conceptual "masterpiece" either. Go back to making real movies you asshole.
3. Super 8: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCRQQCKS7go
Contrary to popular belief, this is not a film about a discount motel chain. Since M. Night Shyamalan stopped making decent movies like 10 years ago, J.J. Abrams (Star Trek, Lost) is in charge of giving geeks their sci-fi horror fix this summer. I don't really get into sci-fi flicks, mostly because I'm not really into putting thought into figuring out weird supernatural plot twists. This movie looks like "Final Destination" meets "The Happening" where a bunch of general chaos starts occuring in a town, with cars being flung around shit exploding. With Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights presumably in charge of stopping it all. Lame.
4. Green Lantern: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oazFv302DIM
Summer of course is also when all the comic super-hero flicks come out which can either be awesome (Batman/Spiderman 1 & 2) or horrible (Fantastic 4). I'm guessing this one fits in the latter category. I've never really liked Ryan Reynolds, he's always struck me as kind of a douche bro in the same vein as Ashton Kutcher. Also, never was enough of a comic book geek to even remember who Green Lantern was. So yeah based on that, not gonna see this.
5. Bad Teacher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VihlsPKMh4U
This actually looks like it has some potential. Apparently this movie follows the formula of Bad Santa, but substitutes Cameron Diaz as the immoral misfit boozehound working in a position that requires being nice to children. Justin Timberlake, and Jason Sigel are generally hilarious, and this movie's rated R so we can get some quality raunchy dialogue from them and Diaz hopefully. Also, in case nobody noticed Cameron Diaz has a sexy car wash scene. So yeah, I'm probably down.
6. Transformers: Dark of the Moon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHRf01Gjosk
The third installment in Michael Bay's series of shitty blockbuster robot warfare movies starring Shia LeDouche and Megan Fox's tits. Only this time around Megan Fox's tits didn't make the casting cut. So, there's officially no reason to see this glorified two hour toy commercial.
7. Zookeeper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu2zaUT6RQo
"Yeah we should definitely just make Dr. Dolittle again, except substitute Kevin James for Eddie Murphy."
God movie execs are fucking assholes.
8. Horrible Bosses: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDUpOXfwQUo
A movie about everyone's (except me of course) fantasy of killing off their douchebag supervisor. Sounds pretty Rad. Any trailer that involves Charlie from "Always Sunny" yelling "LETS KILL THIS BITCH!" generally has me at hello. Throw in Kevin Spacey as an asshole boss, Jason Bateman, and a premise that involves Colin Farrel being murdered and I'm sold.
9. Harry Potter part 27: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mObK5XD8udk
They've promised me this is the LAST installment of the stupid kiddie movie phenomenon that chicks love. If it's not, I say we dispatch Navy Seal Team 6 after that British bitch who writes this shit.
10. Friends with Benefits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34xfcoRceeU
Ok I know saying chick flicks are predictably formulaic is kinda like stating that Tyler Perry films are loud and sassy, but seriously this is ridiculous. They just made the same exact fucking movie like 3 months ago. Except substituting Timberlake and Mila Kunis for Kutcher and Natalie Portman, and changing the name. I assume around Christmas we'll get the third variation on the "Friends start banging casually then fall in love" formula. "Ugly Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached" starring Sarah Jessica Parker, coming soon to a theatre near you.
11. Cowboys and Aliens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJixNxFxhT4
I seriously got a full blown boner when I heard the concept of this movie, and had to double check that it was for real. Ok so....James Bond...Indiana Jones...in a western...involving intergalactic warfare/alien invasion. WHAT?? FUCKING SIGN ME UP. You also gotta love that for once the movie studios didn't get creative in titling a movie. "Yeah uh...there's Cowboys & Aliens...fighting each other. What else do you really need to know?" (We'll throw in Olivia Wilde standing around being hot for good measure). This movie looks like a complete overload of Rad. If you don't want to see this movie you have no penis and/or listen to Coldplay. If there's one movie I will definitely be forking over ten beans for, it's this cinematic gem.
Anyways that's it for the first Lawn Summer Movie Preview. Hopefully this will help you make the right decisions in picking and choosing what popcorn flicks you are gonna throw your hard earned paychecks at. More importantly, I hope it helps you decide what NOT to see, when you could be day drinking in the sun instead. At any rate, enjoy the summer movie season while it lasts, before it gets cold and we are forced to watch all the bullshit Oscar contender flicks to take our mind off the lack of NFL football.