DEUTSCHLAND

Tomorrow the U.S. plays Ghana in World Cup soccer. Ghana is a country located in West Africa. The country’s name means “Warrior King” and they are the world’s second largest producer of cocoa in the world. They are ranked 12th on Bono’s list of “My Favorite countries to donate America’s money to.” I hope America kicks some serious Ghanese (Ghanesian?) ass tomorrow, because America totally rules and I’m all for us demonstrating our superiority over the rest of the world whenever possible. USA!! USA!! USA!! FREEEEEDOM!!!!

That being said, my patriotic duty to support America is about the only thing that can get me excited about the World Cup because the fact is, soccer is fucking lame. Once the World Cup started, ESPN dropped in my rankings of “Channel I flip to the most” from No. 1 to No. 48. “Oh sweet. Six straight hours of Group C coverage on ESPN today. I guess will check out what exciting shit is going on over on CSPAN.”

First of all soccer has “draws.” Draws are a funny soccer word for “it’s tied, times up, let’s go home.” Draws are stupid. Could you imagine the Steelers and Ravens going up to each other at midfield to shake hands after a tie? “Well it’s 10-10 guys, I’m kinda bored of beating the shit of each other let’s just call this one even.” That would NEVER happen. Ray Lewis would organize a post-game knife fight in the parking lot to settle the outcome.

Soccer fans will point out that in later round games there are no draws because we have…PENALTY KICK SHOOTOUTS!! Yeah well Penalty Kicks are stupid. The goal is like 80 feet wide. The goalie just randomly guesses which side the kick is going and if he’s wrong he has no shot to recover. Eventually one retard screws it up and shanks a kick over the goal, awarding victory to the other side. Said retard will then start looking for someplace new to live, knowing that crazed fans in his home country have already burned his house down.

People think I don’t like soccer because of the lack of scoring. No. I don’t like soccer because of the lack of ANYTHING happening. Seriously, something actually happens in soccer like 3-4 times per game. Scoring chances actually happen so rarely that ESPN’s bottom line actually lists all the times something happened in their soccer box score recaps. I.E. “77th minute, Ronadino kicked the ball 3 feet wide of the goal.” In hockey you can have an epic 0-0 game you probably have 2 amazing goalies flying all over the place making 86 diving saves each. Low scoring football games involve crazy hard hitting defenses, sacks, turnovers etc. A 0-0 baseball game indicates two amazing pitchers at the top of their game putting on a clinic. A “Nil-Nil” soccer game? Both teams just kicked the ball backwards for 90 minutes.

Also, “Nil” is not a fucking number. When a hobo asks if I can spare some cash, I don’t say “sorry buddy I have NIL money.” If I can’t pick up a tab it’s because I have ZERO dollars, not NIL dollars. Dear Chris Fowler. You’re American. You host College Football gameday. Tell me the game ended One to Zero, not One to NIL.

Most American soccer fans just like the idea of being into soccer. Some people (Like my friend “B” who is fuming right now) are actually big soccer fans who play the sport, watch it all year etc. Most fans however, embrace soccer for the opportunity to discuss foreign culture and their study abroad experience.

Me: So uh..what’s with the Germany jersey?

Soccer Douche: Ha well I studied abroad in Frankfurt sophomore year during the 06’ Cup and just really got into DEUTSCHLAND football. It was crazy over there. God I miss drinking Warsteiner Pilsner. Amazing brew, totally puts this St. Pauli girl shit to shame. Also Jan Beckenbauer plays for Liverpool, my favorite Premier league football club.

WTF is wrong with you? Do you think people from Germany come visit America and then wear USA Lebron James basketball jerseys? NO. They don’t. Also, DEUTSCHLAND?? Really?? I don’t care if your great, great, great grandfather Franz Von Wraussberger rolled over to Ellis Island from the old country. YOU have lived in Maryland your whole life. You’re an American. YOU do not get to root for “DEUTSCHLAND.”

Finally, most red-blooded Americans want the athletes they idolize to be somebody they can relate to. A grizzled old school tough guy. We call NFL quarterbacks “field generals” because we can literally envision them leading a military unit into battle. Somebody you’d want to go to war with, and then sit down and have a couple beers with. Look at the picture above. Those guys look like members of the cast of “Zoolander.” If I sat down at a bar with “Christiano Ronaldo” he would order 2 diet crantinis and then head home by 10 so he was fresh for Pilates in the morning. WTF kind of name is “Christiano” anyways? Did his parents think he was a girl initially and name him Christina then do some creative last minute re-spelling on the hospital name card? If my team ever drafts a quarterback named “Christiano” I will riot.

Anyways, I’m still psyched to root on the Red White and “AZUL” tomorrow. Mostly because it gives me a reason to drink at a bar at 11am and scream at a television until real football comes back in September. Just don’t expect me to stick around for the DEUTSCHLAND “match.”