Spare some change so we can win the award for Bestest Humans on the Planet

Pictured to the left are Bono and Sean Penn. Sean Penn is a famous actor known for picking roles based on what is most likely to net him an Oscar nod ("Well I played a retard last year, guess I will play a gay icon this year"). This picture is quite the rarity as Sean Penn has only smiled three times in public during his lifetime. Bono is frontman for the rock band U2, who haven't made a good album in 20 years yet maintain a place as the most popular rock act in the world. Bono is also known for wearing orange sunglasses at all times. It is a well known fact that the only people in the world that wear sunglasses indoors are blind people and assholes, and if you look closely at this picture you will note that Bono doesn't have a seeing eye dog with him on the red carpet.

When Sean Penn and Bono aren't securing Oscar Nods or making shitty songs for Apple commercials respectively, they are out saving the world. Despite their careers as entertainers, their true passion is promoting good causes. Whenever tragedy or a natural disaster strikes somewhere in the world, a familiar pattern ensues.

(1) Sean Penn goes on TV and screams at the government.

(2) A Celebrity Telethon fundraiser is organized to help victims of the cause.

(3) Bono/U2 close the telethon with a song. It is worth noting that rather than write a new song, Bono generally just re-works the lyrics of a classic U2 song to fit the cause. like...

"HAITI BLOOOOOODY HAITI!!"

"IN THE NAAAAAAAME OF KATRIIIINAAAAA!!!"

"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.....IN AAAAAAFRICA!!"

I'm all for donating to a good cause, but it appears more and more like these two assclowns (and many other celebs) just love any opportunity for self-promotion. There was a famous actor by the name of Paul Newman who died somewhat recently. He was a total badass. Anyways, when he died I found out (for the first time) that he had donated about $300 million to charitable causes during his lifetime. I never knew this because Paul Newman didn't go out in public and preach about causes close to his heart. He simply donated money out of his own pocket..quietly...and stuck to being known for being a great entertainer.

This relates to another reason these guys are such douchebags. They are in the business of telling YOU what to donate money to. I'm not saying they don't care about these causes they promote, but why don't these celebrities just donate their 5 million dollars of personal pocket change and NOT tell me about it? If I tell all my friends to lend me $5 so I can donate $50 to a local homeless shelter, does that really make ME a great person just because I brought attention to an obvious cause? The answer of course is that then they wouldn't be publically praised for their generosity. They couldn't win awards for being "the most charitable entertainer of the year." They couldn't go on tv and promote their personal political views. I'm sure Kanye felt bad for the victims of Katrina but getting a chance to say "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on TV certainly upped his passion for the cause.

Of course as long as these celebrities are publically praised and awarded by organizations and media outlets for their support of good causes (2005 Time Man of the Year: Bono...REALLY??), this incessant self promotion will continue. So I propose we stop praising and awarding these assholes for promoting good causes to donate money to. You're a celebrity, you're rich, fucking donate your money to whatever you want. If an international tragedy/natural disaster occurs, I will see it on the news and personally find a way to donate money to it if I so wish. I don't need you to tell me about it.

Breaking News: Sean Penn's next role....HOMOSEXUAL RETARD. Just hand him the golden statue now Academy!!