Wednesday, June 23, 2010
There was a time a long, long time ago when people bought concert tickets because they were fans of a band’s music. I know it sounds crazy, but let me summarize how this went. A band came out, you realized their music totally kicked ass, and you would go out and buy their album. Then you would listen to their album all the way through 800 times memorizing all the kick ass songs. Then they announced a tour that included stopping in your town and you bought tickets. You and your friends would then go to the concert and totally rock out in the crowd, singing along the whole concert to all the songs you loved. Those were the days.
Then of course music started to blow so there were no longer “cool bands” that came out with “more than one great song.” This however, has not stopped kids from buying tickets to concerts. It’s just that kids nowadays go to concerts for “The Scene.” See you no longer need to be a fan of an artist’s music anymore to go see a show. Really you are only required to know maybe one hit. Going to concerts is no longer about going to enjoy great music, but rather to enjoy the environment of a concert. Exhibit A of course is Jimmy…Fucking…Buffet.
Jimmy Buffet totally sucks balls. I hate that a lot of people are richer than me, but Jimmy Buffet is higher up on that list than most. Perhaps what pisses me off the most is that people ASSUME that I like Jimmy Buffet and would want to attend one of his shitty concerts. A typical conversation that happens annually:
BRO: “Dude so btw we have to get Buffet tix soon. We should get a big group to go so we can get the package discount.”
ME: “Dude I fucking hate Jimmy Buffet.”
BRO: “WHAAAAAAT??? Dude how can you hate Jimmy Buffet?!? His concerts ROCK!!”
ME: “No I’m sure they don’t ROCK. Do you even know any Jimmy Buffet songs besides Margaritaville and Cheeseburger in Paradise?”
BRO: “Well I mean…” (awkward confused pause)
ME: “Exactly I’m not paying $80 to go to a 2 hour show where I know one song…which sucks.”
BRO: “Dude you don’t like go to a Buffet show for all the random songs, you go for THE SCENE! It’s a total party!! Dude of all people I would assume that YOU would love Buffet. All his songs are about Happy Hour and getting drunk!!”
No reason to transcribe the rest of the conversation other than to note that this is the point where I lose it. Look I’ll admit, I’ve always enjoyed going to Happy Hour. I’ve always enjoyed getting drunk as much as anyone (probably more). You know what I never did though? Write a fucking retarded song about how much I enjoy getting drunk at happy hour. Also his songs aren’t even really about getting hammered in a cool way, they are about drinking margaritas and Pina’ Coladas while sitting on the beach. Thanks douchebag, so basically you are my grandma.
Now we get to the major issue of “The Scene,” which is apparently the prime reason you go to a Buffet show. Well for the record, the scene is made up of the “Parrotheads” who are comprised of two distinct groups.
GROUP A: BROS who like dressing up in Hawaiian shirts and beach hats while wearing flower leis around their neck, and their girlfriends who they drag to the show and force to wear coconut bikinis.
GROUP B: 40+ former BROS who are still hanging on to their college glory days and like dressing up in Hawaiian shirts and beach hats while wearing flower leis around their neck. These guys also drag their girlfriend/wife to the show, although the whole coconut bikini look kinda fails when your tits are currently at knee level.
WOW. I mean why wouldn’t I want to go to a Buffet show to hang out with THAT crowd?? That tailgate sounds like a blast. Depending on which group I gravitate towards we can have awesome convos quoting either “Old School” or “Animal House,” complimenting each other’s choice of ridiculous Hawaiian shirt, and taking 879594 pictures of ourselves in group poses holding drinks to post on Facebook. (Also, I’m not a 12 year old girl. There is no amount of Pina’ Coladas/Margaritas that could get me drunk enough to enjoy listening to even one Jimmy Buffet song much less a whole concert).
So for the record, I will NEVER attend a Jimmy Buffet show. His music BLOWS. “The Scene” BLOWS. I don’t need to be tagged on Facebook in 7929201 pictures wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Waste away in Margaritaville without me you clowns.