Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: 2010 Year in Review


With the year drawing to a close here, it's time to take a look back at the rock and roll that ruled the Billboard charts in 2010. Which is to say it's time to assess which completely shitty bands inexplicably achieved the most success this year. Which assholes had their wallets fattened the most by douchebag modern rock fans who don't know Aerosmith from Air Supply? This entry is not so much an indictment of the actual bands (many of whom I've already shat upon in this weekly feature), as it is a criticism of YOU: the irresponsible album buyers who continue to fund the careers of these untalented assclowns. If you didn't purchase any of the following albums this year, my hats off to you (Unless you're just a hipster douchebag who listens to Vampire Weekend). If you do own any of these albums, I consider you amongst the lowest forms of life on this planet, along with cockroaches, PETA activists and Tyler Perry. Seriously shame on you. In continuing to fork over your hard earned dollars (or in the case of Whores, your daddy's hard earned $$) to purchase CDs released by the fucktards listed below, you are personally responsible for furthering the current sad state of rock and roll. Until you stop bankrolling more new releases from these shitheads, we cannot hope to see cool music returning to our lives anytime in the near future. Anyways without further ado, I give you the assholes that profited the most from your poor taste in rock music this year. BANDS THAT SUCK BALLS: Billboard's Top 10 Highest Selling Rock Albums of 2010.

10. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Soundtrack)

(head explodes)

9. Daughtry: Leave This Town

The only more appropriate title for a new Daughtry album would have been "Leave This Planet." Jesus Christ, Daughtry fucking sucks. In the year 2010 the path to rock stardom apparently goes through competition in a weekly karaoke contest that only teenage girls and my mom watch. American Idol is totally fine for deciding who is gonna be the next Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber. It should stay away from rock and roll though. Just because Randy thinks someone totally rocked a killer rendition of a Goo Goo Dolls classic during 90's week on "AI" doesn't mean they belong on the rock airwaves. Daughtry also gets extra suckage points for being involved with the least Rad metal horns picture in history (see above) with Nickelback's Chad Kroeger. Seriously guys, I know you're psyched about getting to drink Captain and Colas past 9pm on a school night, but that doesn't give you the right to disgrace an iconic symbol of rock and roll.

8. Train: Save Me, San Francisco

Hopefully Train will stop with all the subtle innuendo, and just get straight to the point and name their next album "Seriously Everybody, We're Fucking Gay."

7. Linkin Park: A Thousand Suns

Linkin Park: Keeping the painfully outdated genres of Rap-Rock and Nu Metal alive since 2005. I don't remember hearing the new LP jam this year, I must not have been paying attention.

THERE'S.....A THOUSAND SUNS!!
NOWHERE TOOOO RUNNNNN!!

WE'VE COME UNDONE!!!

UNDER...A THOUSAND...SUNNNNNS!!!

You mean to tell me those weren't they lyrics to Linkin Park's lead single this year? Meh, I doubt I was too far off.

6. NICKELBACK: DARK HORSE

WHAT. THE. FUCK. Okay that's it I've had it. The next time someone says "Omg I HAAATE Nickelback" to me, I'm kicking them in the dick and confiscating their Ipod and perusing their Itunes library to see if Nickelback is on there. SOMEBODY out there likes Nickelback. Otherwise these cocksuckers wouldn't have a 4x platinum album every fucking year. Closet Nickelback fans give Westboro Baptist Church members a run for their money in the "Completely Useless Human Beings that Should be Run Over by oncoming traffic" department.

5. Owl City: Ocean Eyes

? (Consults Google Search Engine/Wikipedia for description of why "Owl City" blows)

"Owl City is an American Synthpop musical project...Influences are disco and European Electronic Music."

So...techno meets the Bee Gee..?

(Consults Youtube, looks up Owl City's hit single "Fireflies")


Ah. so you meant "Some sad pussy sings about his feelings in autotune while playing a synth keyboard in his room" Why didn't you just say so?

4. Jack Johnson: To The Sea.

If you're looking for sensitive acoustic surfer jams to set the mood with that special hippie chick in your life, Jack Johnson is your man. If you're looking for rock however, search elsewhere. God, Jack Johnson sucks. I have a bitter personal hatred with this dickhead due to the fact that he got big right around the start of my college years. He was the go-to "chill background music" for every dorm room activity. Hearing that fucking "da da, da da,...da da" song or "upside down" again would probably cause me to go on a murderous rampage immediately. If I ever run into that surf-rock jackoff in public, our encounter will probaby go something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvR6d08L3nc

3. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Soundtrack)

Ok what in the shit is going on here? Have we really reached the point where two of the top 10 rock albums of the year are soundtracks to some stupid teenage vampire romance flick? The soundtrack to this fucking lame movie obviously reads like a who's who of the day 1 SXSW lineup. So a bunch of shitty emo-hipster bands strumming 3 chords and banging away on pianos till your ears bleed. Kill me please. I think we should start making our Guantanamo Bay prisoners lister to the Twilight soundtrack on loop. THAT would be a form of torture worthy of being deemed a human rights violation.

2. Norah Jones: The Fall

On the list of "most boring activities known to man," watching paint dry and knitting are a distant 2nd and 3rd respectively, to listening to a Norah Jones CD. Norah Jones is the mayor of Boringtown, USA. She's like Sarah McClachlan on Ambien. I have no idea how the hell she has a career. Her dad used to play sitar for The Beatles, and apparently because of this now the whole world has to listen to this lame jazz balladeer's shitty music. She fucking blows. Obviously since her music sounds like the soundtrack to an elevator ride she won like a billion Grammys at some point, and is critically acclaimed. So now Whole Foods shoppers who enjoy the smell of their own farts love blasting her jams at dinner parties while discussing art. All this is fine, but how the hell did she get on the "Rock" charts? Snoreah Jones is less rocking than a book club meeting. Send her back to the "Estrogen Piano Jazz" charts immediately.

1. John Mayer: Battle Studios

John fucking Mayer had the number one "Rock" album in 2010? Are you kidding me? He has a duet with Taylor Swift on this album. That is the only thing that could conceivably be less rocking than a Coldplay Christmas single. He also obviously has his requisite shitty cover of "Crossroads" on here to maintain his rock cred. "Look at me I'm John Mayer! I'm a blues guitarist! I make constipated faces while playing shitty guitar solos!" I can't wait for next year's album featuring a hit duet with Norah Jones, 12 other shitty ballads, and one random Stevie Ray Vaughan cover. What a dipshit. I don't care how many hot actresses he bangs, John Mayer will never be a rock star, and he needs to give up the act already. You people need to stop buying his CDs and funding this bullshit. If you're a chick and you buy John Mayer CDs, whatever. You have feelings and have no control over your natural disposition towards crappy music. No guy should own a fucking John Mayer CD though. If you're a dude with a John Mayer CD in your car however, just go ahead and neuter yourself at your earliest convenience. This fucktard passed his expiration date 3 shitty soft rock albums ago. Seriously John Mayer...that's enough.

Anyways, next week I'll be kicking off 2011 with a brand new set of Bands That Suck Balls. Hopefully next year I will eventually run out of candidates for the feature, and some new Rad bands will arise. That's wishful thinking though. Maybe the music biz should make it their New Years resolution to break ONE semi-Rad band into the mainstream in 2011. I don't think that's too much for an angry old man to ask for.



2 comments:

  1. I went to Guitar Center the other day and in front of the store they have these 10 foot tall posters of famous guitar gods... Jimmy Page, Jimi Hendrix, John Mayer... John Mayer!!! What the Fuck!?! Who the fuck is responsible for this shit???... probably some pussy corporate manager that thinks grouping John Mayer in the same league with Jimi Hendrix and Jimmy Page will help Guitar Center sell more guitars... Jimi Hendrix should rise from his grave and strangle this ass-hat with a guitar string. The nerve of these people!!!

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