I don't even know how to begin to describe the audio diarrhea that is Tool's music. I mean Nine Inch Nails is basically Motown compared to these gloomy jackoffs. Tool is kind of like the more depressing bastard son of grunge minus guitar solos. There's an ominous bassline on loop, some grinding guitar and some asshole repetitively banging a death march beat on the drums. Over all of this some nutcase that escaped from the asylum sings upbeat lyrics that cover standard rock and roll topics like transcendance, human psychology, and spirituaity. Like the wrist-slitting prose shown belowL
"There's release in this sodomy..for I am your winess that...blood and flesh can be trusted."
Few things make me want to bang my head and pump my fist like songs about mildew covered pieces smoldering away, and chewing people's centers to bring them down. You might be asking yourself, "wait, was that last set of lyrics about sodomy..?" Well yes of course it is, didn't you recognize it from Tool's classic rock anthem "Prison Sex?" (Jail ass rape: more somewhat abnormal rock and roll subject matter..). Also does anybody else notice that Tool's lyrics don't actually rhyme? Isn't that kind of a prerequisite for songwriting? Not when you're the lead singer of Tool and don't actually..you know..."sing." Tool's singer just recites his depressingly angry poetry in a slow monotone voice until the "hook" where he screams like Hitler closing out a stirring public address.
Tool has a large cult following of people who claim that Tool is amazing live. I find that hard to believe. A Tool concert must be weird as shit. I kinda picture the audience looking like the masked ball scene pre-orgy in "Eyes Wide Shut." A bunch of weirdos stading solemnly in silence while Tool bangs out their ominous doom and gloom grunge jams. Does the band actually come out or does the crowd just get to watch a giant screen showing claymation people being tortured in a dungeon while Tool rocks out behind the curtain? Whatever, I don't plan to ever find out for myself. Tool's music sucks, and their videos blow, so it seems only logical that their live show would also be about as enjoyable as a colonoscopy. I long for the days when MTV actually showed music videos. However, if showing music videos means giving these dickheads a forum for their shittastic Alt-Prog-Grunge noise again, you can just keep showing Jersey Shore re-runs till hell freezes over.