Bands That Suck Balls: TOOL

As I've mentioned before, there was once a time many moons ago when the key to becoming a great rock band was the ability to make good music. Nowadays of course that is not the case and bands must focus on other areas of their craft in order to make a name for themselves and attract a buzz in the industry. They could come up with some ambiguous dipshit hipster name for their band that sticks in your head. They could have some weird elaborate live show where their lead singer comes out in a bubble or rainbow colored confetti falls from the sky. Or they could write an annoyingly catch jingle that gets in a phone commercial. If your band however, is made up of a group of dark, brooding artsy farty weirdos, the above options are not really up your alley. You would likely have to turn to another forum to attract attention to your band and mask the fact that your music blows cock. Like say...the music video. If your band can make some abstract "conceptual" music video for your band's shitty single that gets people to debate how to properly interpret the clip, you can draw people to your music and make it big. Perhaps no band is a better example of this than this week's Band That Sucks Balls: TOOL.

I'm just gonna go ahead and get the world's most obvious punchlines out of the way and say that Tool are in fact a collection of Tools and if you listen to this shitbag band you are a Tool. Done. Now that we've taken care of that we can delve into deeper analysis of why Tool sucks balls. If you look above you will notice that this is the first time A BTSB entry has not featured an accompanying picture of the group of fucktards being shat upon. That is because few people could tell you what the members of Tool look like. Remember how back in the day bands all had some sort of unique "look" to them, that distinguised them from lesser rock gods? Top hats, crazy multi-colored kimono onesies, ruffled shirts, boots, leather pants etc? You know, a rad wardrobe that us common folk couldn't pull off at our cubicle even on Casual Friday? Yeah well not only does Tool not have a "look" to them, they make the effort to keep private what exactly they look like at all costs. They don't appear on the cover of their albums or in their music videos. Why do they do this? They want people to "appreciate their music" rather than just be drawn to the personalities of the band members.

WTF? Aren't rock stars supposed to have personalities? Isn't that part of what makes us idolize them? What a crock of self-righteous bullshit. Clearly these douchebags have no personality, and if people had to judge them based solely on the merit of watching them play their shitty music, they would never earn a dime. So they chose instead to gather a following by releasing uniquely creepy music videos featuring claymation animation or some form of dark abstract art. The imagery in their "groundbreaking" music video for the song "Sober" is literally described as "evil little men dwelling in a dungeon with meat coursing through pipes in the wall." Jesus Christ. Doesn't that clip just sound like a fucking Sunday afternoon at Six Flags? I can think of nothing less rock and roll than the term "sober" attached to a 10 minute visual jorney through a dark dungeon with clay monsters. If you're gonna make "concept" rock music videos that don't involve live performance shots or partying, at least make it a cool concept. Like say..renegades on the run driving through the desert, a bank robbery spree, or some sort of intergalactic warfare. Not the nightmare of a dying meth addict directed by Tim Burton.

I don't even know how to begin to describe the audio diarrhea that is Tool's music. I mean Nine Inch Nails is basically Motown compared to these gloomy jackoffs. Tool is kind of like the more depressing bastard son of grunge minus guitar solos. There's an ominous bassline on loop, some grinding guitar and some asshole repetitively banging a death march beat on the drums. Over all of this some nutcase that escaped from the asylum sings upbeat lyrics that cover standard rock and roll topics like transcendance, human psychology, and spirituaity. Like the wrist-slitting prose shown belowL

"I know the pieces fit...cause I watched them fall away...mildewed and smoldering"

"I will find a center in you..I will chew it up and leave..I will work to elevate you..just enough to bring you down."

"There's release in this sodomy..for I am your winess that...blood and flesh can be trusted."

Few things make me want to bang my head and pump my fist like songs about mildew covered pieces smoldering away, and chewing people's centers to bring them down. You might be asking yourself, "wait, was that last set of lyrics about sodomy..?" Well yes of course it is, didn't you recognize it from Tool's classic rock anthem "Prison Sex?" (Jail ass rape: more somewhat abnormal rock and roll subject matter..). Also does anybody else notice that Tool's lyrics don't actually rhyme? Isn't that kind of a prerequisite for songwriting? Not when you're the lead singer of Tool and don't actually..you know..."sing." Tool's singer just recites his depressingly angry poetry in a slow monotone voice until the "hook" where he screams like Hitler closing out a stirring public address.

Tool has a large cult following of people who claim that Tool is amazing live. I find that hard to believe. A Tool concert must be weird as shit. I kinda picture the audience looking like the masked ball scene pre-orgy in "Eyes Wide Shut." A bunch of weirdos stading solemnly in silence while Tool bangs out their ominous doom and gloom grunge jams. Does the band actually come out or does the crowd just get to watch a giant screen showing claymation people being tortured in a dungeon while Tool rocks out behind the curtain? Whatever, I don't plan to ever find out for myself. Tool's music sucks, and their videos blow, so it seems only logical that their live show would also be about as enjoyable as a colonoscopy. I long for the days when MTV actually showed music videos. However, if showing music videos means giving these dickheads a forum for their shittastic Alt-Prog-Grunge noise again, you can just keep showing Jersey Shore re-runs till hell freezes over.