Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: VAMPIRE WEEKEND


On the recommendation of one of my readers, I am shifting back from the world of shitbag mainstream rock music to the world of shitbag indie rock music for this week's discussion of ball sucking bands. In a way, indie rock bands piss me off more than shitty mainstream bands, because being a fan of their music gives you credibility in a music conversation. I mean if you like Nickelback you are just openly admitting you wouldn't know good music from your own asshole. If you however, mention your fondness for some band that blew up on "Stereogum" people will at least give you the time of day, and allow you to elaborate on what type of music you're into. Even though the dickhead band you like is really no more talented than Daughtry or Linkin Park, and may in fact be even more intolerable. Like this Week's Band That Sucks Balls: VAMPIRE WEEKEND.

The fact that more than four people have paid money to purchase one of this band's albums absolutely infuriates me. If I recorded myself farting while simultaneously scratching my fingernails across a chalkboard for two and half minutes, it would sound better than any song these cock gobblers have ever released. As is usually the case with fuckhead indie rock bands, a quick analysis of their background and roots (aka perusing their Wiki page) tells you this band is awful before you've heard a single note of their music. The NY based indie band was apparently formed when these four losers met while studying at Columbia University, and named themselves after their lead singer's amateur film of the same name. Lets just say first of all, that no cool band in history was ever formed by an Ivy League film student. If "Columbia" and "Rock and Roll" are ever mentioned in the same sentence, somebody better be doing lines of Columbia's finest yayo off of some chick's ass. Second of all, I hate New Yorkers. Let me rephrase that. I love people from New York. I hate people who currently live in New York. At some point every hipster in the country decided to move to New York City (generally Williamsburg/Brooklyn) to pursue their dreams as an amateur filmmaker or art student. Hipsters love NYC because it is home to bands like Vampire Weekend and is cold enough for them to wear scarves and knit caps.

Anyways back to the subject at hand. One look at these assholes pictured above and you know you're in store for the antithesis of rocking as soon as you throw their LP on the stereo. One guy is wearing an ugly brown blazer with his retro "I Heart NY" and apparently hasn't combed his hair in three years. Then there is an asshole lying on his back in the least rocking photo pose in history. Then there is king dickhole on the right wearing a light green Mr. Roger's pullover sweater (Acually it's a Cardigan but thanks for noticing!), and smelling a fucking flower. Unbelievable. One would assume this was a picture of the head members of Columbia's young poets society club, rather than a photo of a prominent rock band. During live performances their lead singer wears colored sunglasses and...shorts. Like...pink or yellow shorts. It is legitamtely impossible to rock in shorts unless you are AC/DC's guitarist. Everyone else, gotta rock jeans or leather pants. No exceptions. Just like every indie band their sound is some made up genre: "Upper West Side Soweto" that blends African music influences with Western classical. In other words: "We make a random assortment of noise...it sucks dick...enjoy!"

Vampire Weekend features a guitarist, bassist, drummer and keyboardist (DUH), none of whom can play their instruments better than your average 12 year old band geek. It is apparently written into their contracts that no member can play more than three chords in a song and must strum in the most annoyingly quick repetitive manner possible. Like all indie bands their songs are all exactly 2.5 minutes long because any longer and somebody might need to idk play a guitar solo or bang out a drum fill, which we all know is an impossibility for the Columbia art-film posse. There is obviously no time to bang out a five minute rock anthem when you're busy deciding what scarf you're gonna wear to match your cardigan sweater and yellow shorts. All their songs are obviously total bullshit, with song names that give you less than a clue wtf the track's subject matter is. You might know some of their hits like "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" and "Mansfard Roof," or of course their rocking masterpiece "Oxford Comma." All these songs blow. Their latest piece of shit Non-Rad jam "Holiday" is featured in numerous Tommy Hilfiger and car commercials. Sign #172829292 that you are an asshat indie rock outfit: Your song is a jingle for some lame commercial. Can you imagine "Voodoo Chile" being featured in an ad for a Honda Civic? Yeah..me neither.

If you're currently a hipster attending an Ivy League university I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you're an upper-class white kid, who spends 70% of his time in the library and the other 30% in coffee shops discussing philosophy and art. In other words you are severely lacking in Rad and have no business in the world of rock and roll. Rock and Roll is for high school dropouts with substance abuse problems who couldn't color coordinate a stage outfit to save their ass. Not amateur filmmakers and art-history majors in colorful sweaters. So please don't let Vampire Weekend be an inspiration to you. They suck balls and your aspiring yuppie hipster band probably does too. Stick to debating Warhol paintings with your homies and hand your guitar to somebody that isn't a completely lame dipshit like yourself.

19 comments:

  1. Been snooping around your blog for a bit, and I have to say, you, sir, have an extremely shallow taste in music... And I don't mean that that's necessarily bad, I just mean, like, don't you ever get tired of the pentatonic scale every once in a while?

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    1. u obviously cant play blues to save ur life. iv heard one dimensional players like u. theres so much u can do with the pentatonic scale. your question is stupid from the roots. do u get tired of the minor scale? its how u use the scale that matters indie boy

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    2. What the fuck is the pentatonic scale ? Sorry I'm not a band geek.

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  2. I am sitting here at work laughing to myself while reading your review...oh, and I could not agree more...

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  3. Word. Their song Cousins hurts my brain. The good part about the song, if there could be a good part, is that my eight year old cousin can do a pretty good cover of it and he doesn't even know how to play.

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  4. Theirs a severe disconnect between rock audience n rock radio n labels. Theyve been trying to throw rap. Cock rock. happy gay rock n now country folk music at us since the death of grunge in mid 90s.

    In the 60 years of rock only about 10 have kicked asss. Rest have been about corporations throwing crap mislabeled as rock

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  5. I'll listen to you when you have substantial evidence for anything you say.
    Until then, you're just a guy who likes to make fun of other people.

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  6. In 1987, Paul Simon put out an album inspired by African music called Graceland, and rich white liberals ate it up because they could pat themselves on the back for being so culturally open minded. In their mind, liking "Call Me Al" was proof they were into other cultures and stuff.
    Included in that group of preppy pretentious A-holes were Vampire Weekend's parents. VW's entire schtick is inspired not by African rhythms, but by a Paul Simon album that was insipired by African rhythms, which I'm sure the trust fund kids of today are eating up and patting themselves on the back for liking, being so open minded to world beat music and all.

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  7. I can't agree with you more. Unbearable, pretentious, and vomit inducing. Vomit Weekend at Outside Lands.

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  8. I agree with every word. Their musical influences are at least two steps removed from anything original.

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  9. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mIk69mH1Q

    "Sign #172829292 that you are an asshat indie rock outfit: Your song is a jingle for some lame commercial. Can you imagine "Voodoo Chile" being featured in an ad for a Honda Civic? Yeah..me neither."

    *ahem* Yes, I can imagine that.

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  11. This is hilarious. Vampire Weekend has some of the most intelligently written and composed music in the industry today. They aren't like everything else on the radio that has to have a four-to-the-floor beat in order to keep an average listener's attention. You probably heard a handful of songs and just flat out decided that you don't like them. Which is fine, everyone has his or her own opinion, but just because you think that they "suck balls" doesn't mean that they do in reality. You sound like some 15-year-old kid who is convinced that music would be better if Hendrix were still alive and if everything got back to the roots of blues and good ol' rock 'n roll, man! No. It wouldn't be. That horse has been beaten and dragged around the circumference of the earth a million times. VW is just one band, and they've opened doors for new music to come about, which is the whole point of music, to progress as people progress. And I don't know what your problem is with people from New York or with your generalized idea of bands from New York, but you've obviously never heard of The Strokes, and they're the best band to come about since 2000. No one cares about the opinion of some guy who appears to have the mindset of a young teenager. So to you they might "suck balls", a very mature and well-supported claim might I add, but they've been more successful in the past 7 years than you probably will be in your next 50 years. Have a great day.

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    1. He has heard of The Strokes. He made an entry on why he hates them as well.

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    2. "you've obviously never heard of The Strokes, and they're the best band to come about since 2000."

      Vampire Weekend aspire to suck balls like Strokes and they're pretty close.

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  12. By your definition, Taylor Swift and One Direction are better than Vampire Weekend, you tool ZoSoCrow94

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  13. Wow, great review. Never mind that the entire image of "rock n roll" you hold so dear was cooked up by label suits to sell the idea of "rebellion" to disenfranchised youth who were willing to pay. Excuse the new generation for throwing off outdated ideas of what music "should" be and doing their own thing. Sound familiar? LOL, seeya later gramps.

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  15. I enjoy a wide range of popular music from the past 50 years including hard bop, Beatles, power pop, country, jazz fusion, metal and yes, for whatever it's worth, "indie" rock. I even thought the Graceland album by Paul Simon was very good and didn't like it not because I'm "trying to be multicultural" as one commenter said but just because I thought the songs were good. I actually wished it had been more of a rock album but I digress. Anyway, people, the author is just plain right: Vampire Weekend's songs are awful. There's just nothing there. The melodies are forgettable, the beats are leaden, the chords are unimaginative and certainly not compelling or satisfying in any way. They're horrible. What do I like? Well as one jazz band leader said, there are only two kinds of music: Good ....and bad. Vampire Weekend is bad. And mediocre. What would I rather hear? Anything better than this. "Remain in Light" by Talking Heads. "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC. "The Sidewinder" by Lee Morgan. "Electric Ladyland" by Hendrix. "Barry White's Greatest Hits." "Penthouse" by Luna. "ChangesOneBowie" by David Bowie (his first hits collection). "Thank You" by Stone Temple Pilots. "Comes a Time" by Neil Young. "Songs from the Big Chair" by Tears for Fears. "Revolver" by the Beatles. "The Royal Scam" by Steely Dan. "Uncle Jam Wants You" by Funkadelic. "Maiden Voyage" by Herbie Hancock. "The Best of Dionne Warwick", "Foolish" by Superchunk, "Innervisions" by Stevie Wonder. The list goes on and on. But Vampire Weekend? It's crap, just totally insipid, second-rate self-important crap. It's not because they're Ivy League, or bring in world influences, or any other reason except this: It's BAD MUSIC.

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