Sunday, February 13, 2011

Hater Mailbag Volume 1


When I started this blog it was obviously something I did in the spirit of good fun. I know the idea of writing a hater blog on the internet is kinda self-serving, but hey whatever. I wasn't working or in school, and there's only so many episodes of Maury Povich and Houston Astros games you can watch to occupy your time over the summer. So out of boredom GOMLK was born. At first since only friends of mine read my blog, I obviously only got positive feedback. Which was fine, but I assume that if I made a website called "picturesof mydumps.com"my friends would compliment me on it's brilliance. The main feature on my blog was of course the weekly "Band That Sucks Balls," and in the beginning everybody agreed with the fact that Nickelback and Linken Park were horrendous. Then I started mocking shitty bands that were a little less mainstream that people actually admitted to liking. So some of my friends would say "hey like your blog but I think you were a little harsh on...(Insert shitty band here)." No problem there , I'm all about constructive criticism. If I were only friends with people who shared my refined taste in music I would have about three friends.

Then however, as my blog grew in popularity a little bit, I started getting random people commenting on my BTSB posts. At first these comments were mostly positive from people who agreed with my critiques of crap music. Then however, I gradually started getting more and more hater comments from random people who took my writing WAAY too seriously. People who not only disagreed with my criticism of modern rock, but felt the need to go out of the way to call me a loser, tell me my website was garbage etc. SWEET. Nothing a hater loves more than being thrown into battle with fellow haters. So, I decided to compile all of these hater comments and respond to all of them in my first ever Hater mailbag. Without further ado lets get to the dipshits!

"Dufflepud" re: The Decemberists
"I find it funny how you can hate on a band based upon an album cover. Please tell me this is a joke!"

I find it sad that your internet blogging alias is a "Chronicles of Narnia" character. Mewww Nerd alert!! You clearly have a beard and wear Buddy Holly glasses and read your favorite C.S. Lewis books while listening to soft indie rock and/or jazz. To answer your question, Yes Dufflepud actually this is a joke. Do you think somebody who fancies themself as a serious music critic would write an entire paragraph about how awesome this picture is...? http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Zs9nNlwuDUI/SGHskzia8YI/AAAAAAAABxM/Zuc6l0v7mNs/s400/journey+band.jpg

"Mikaela" re: Neon Trees
"You actually think anyone reads this crap? Neon Trees is amazing. Please get over your burning jealousy that you're not rich and famous like them. You're just a bitter, lonely old man."

This is why 15 year old girls shouldn't be given access to the internet. I mean who else but a teenybopper would laud the musical genius of a rock band that covers Justin Bieber songs? First of all sweetheart, you can't say nobody reads this crap when you in fact JUST read this "crap." Second, if you had above a 9th grade education you would know that plural band names that end in an s "ARE" amazing rather than "is."Third, I really think people no longer grasp the proper use of the term "amazing." Amazing is an adjective reserved for things that are actually epic, classic, or life-changing. Like say Led Zeppelin or seeing the sunset atop a mountain. No band that's been around for under three years can be defined as "amazing." For example If I were to refute the criticism of a modern band I like I would say "I disagree, Wolfmother is pretty cool." Not Wolfmother is "AMAZING."

"Bryan" re: Tool
"Tool is a good band."

See Mikaela? Bryan did not argue that his favorite crappy prog rock band is "amaaaazing." He just said that they were "good." Perfectly reasonable comment. With that being said Bryan gets zero points for his argument by just stating that Tool is good and giving no support for the point. Regardless, by hater standards Bryan's ok in my book.

"Codi" re: My Chemical Romance
"You basically have the worst opinions ever."

You basically have the worst parents ever. Who the fuck names their child "Codi"..? Even Cody with a Y sounds better, at least then you could be a cowboy or a stripper. I really hope that's your internet alias. Clearly you starred on the debate team in high school with powerful arguments like the one above. Don't even bother attempting to make any argument. "Tool is good" even if it has no support behind it, is still an argument. "YOU'RE MEAN!" would have been a better argument. Saying I have the worst opinions "EVER" is just a ridiculous blanket statement. I'd argue that Hitler probably had worse opinions than I do, but hey what do I know.

"Clement" re: Pink Floyd

I will say that Pink Floyd is the band entry I got the most negative feedback on. I wanted to switch it up that week and make fun of an overrated classic rock band instead of a shitty modern band. They're not THAT bad by BTSB standards, but I happen to not enjoy them while I'm sober. Anyways, thanks for the dissertation on Pink Floyd, Clement. Jesus. I figured out you were an ADHD 15 year old about halfway through your fourth ranting paragraph. You need to lighten up. Clearly the fact that you're "sober since birth" has led you be a real Debbie Downer. It's time you drank a couple beers and listened to "Exile on Main Street" for a taste of a real "classic" rock album.

(Disclaimer: GOMLK does not approve of underage drinking....unless you have a really good fake id.)

"Jeremy" re: Radiohead
"I think u suck more balls than Radiohead. You obviously missed their good songs like "idioteque," "Jigsaw falling into place," and "Weird fishes." Are you bitter that there are no good metal bands left out there, other than Steel Panther..?"

Jeremy is a washed up hairy ball licker with horrendous taste in music. Apparently since he is a 13 year old girl on IM typing out "you" rather than "U" simply took too much effort. However, he is a friend of mine who can kick my ass. Also, I still owe him $20 so I shouldn't be too critical of his ridiculous opinion of Radiohead.

Well that was fun. So in conclusion, please continue to post hater comments on my amateur critiques of shitty bands. I embrace all the hatred of my crappy joke website that is probably far inferior in comparison to anything you could publish on the internets. I relish the chance to do this again sometime.

On a side note, I never paid tribute to the sad news that one of the few modern bands that is actually Rad recently broke up: The White Stripes. So in honor of the Grammys being tonight, and the onslaught of dipshits performances we will undoubtedly witness this evening, I give you a Sunday evening Grammy Performance Rad jam from the Stripes. R.I.P. Jack and Meg. Saddened to hear your Deathletter. A Seven Nation Army really couldn't ever hold back your Radness.

7 comments:

  1. this was hilarious. and steel panther is AMAZING.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bravo, young man. I agree we need more hater mailbags.

    So with this in mind I think you should start targeting more teeny boppers on BTSB. Think about it, not only does their music suck balls, but they (unfortunately) have an army of fans with internet access and the stupidity to defend their idols. Also, most of their young lives are already spiraling out of control because of their adderall addictions and/or racy phone pictures.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your blog is very impressive!!Nice post. This post is different from what I read on most blog. And it has so many valuable things to learn. Thank you for your sharing!
    ltc-travel

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete