One of the things that made music Rad back in the day was the subject matter of the rock anthems you heard on your radio. You see back when music was awesome, songs got straight to the point with their titles and lyrics. You heard a song and actually knew what the song was about, and the topic was generally something totally Rad. You didn't have songs about everything being yellow or some bullshit about rising up towards the sunset or something. Generally, song topics were geared towards whatever subject would be most condusive to an accompanying Rad music video featuring a hot chick shaking her ass around like a stripper. Perhaps no song exemplifies these concepts as well as this week's Friday Afternoon Rad Jam: Van Halen: HOT FOR TEACHER.
Van Halen is so rad. When I was young Van Halen was fronted by Sammy Hagar so it wasn't until later that I discovered the brilliance of the David Lee Roth fronted version of the group from the 80s (Rad decade). Seriously it would be impossible to fit more Rad into one pair of spandex zebra pants than DLR did. DLR's finest moment as a song writer may have come during the recording of their landmark album "1984." He sat down and said "Hey, you know what's a subject that's never before been touched upon in rock and roll...every kid's in-class fantasy about their hot teacher." So he penned this masterpiece and came up with the creative title "Hot for Teacher." Everybody had at least ONE hot teacher at some point in their youth. Mine was our off and on substitute teacher in 8th grade "Miss Rachel." Great rack. Anyways, what song could possibly have more clever school related sexual innuendo lyrics than a song about your hot teacher fantasy? What song could have more insane possibilities for an awesome music video? NONE.
Everything about this song is fucking Rad. School blows. Everything about that 830-330 shift is a total drag. Everything except that one period you have with your hot teacher. DLR knew this. Kids don't wanna hear some fucking song that makes them MORE depressed about their daily existence. Something relating to their "angst." They wanna hear something that highlights a positive about their shitbag public education experience. Van Halen didn't just stop at writing an awesome song, they obviously had to pair it up with an equally amazing (and perplexing) music video. The video follows VH during their youth as the raddest kids in their local elementary obviously as they fantasize about their hot teacher dancing around on a runway in a bikini. That makes sense. Everything else about the video...not so much.
For instance why is the hot teacher writing math problems on the chalkboard...and then in the next frame wearing a "Phys Ed" teacher sashe? Everyone knows the Phys Ed teacher is a fat lesbian, so that's totally unrealistic. Also how exactly did DLR convince the band that a choreographed dance routine in orange Dumb and Dumber style tuxedos was a good idea? Fortunately all rad jams call for an epic guitar solo at some point so Eddie Van Halen is spared ruining the video's choreography for a minute to step out and shred. Also doesn't make sense how DLR plays multiple characters. Wait he is the kid that grew up to be a game show host...? I thought he was the bus driver. WTF? Clearly back in the day bands were far too preoccupied with being Rad to worry about things like making an artsy video that flowed in perfect logical fashion. You think Van Halen would ever think to make a video where the four guys danced on treadmills in unison? FUCK and NO. They just threw a bunch of Rad concepts on a wall and went with what stuck. And then threw a hot blonde into the mix for good measure. Then they returned to their tour bus and continued their daily routine of winning at life. So for those of you out on this Friday afternoon enjoy your weekend. Those you of still stuck at your mundane entry-level job or worse yet a classroom getting your learn on...enjoy this Rad jam...and make sure you've got your peeeeeencilllllllls....