Thursday, July 1, 2010

Bands that suck balls: NICKELBACK


I was informed by a friend that today is "Canada Day." "Canada Day" is like the Fourth of July to our neighbors up north, except the Canadian creativity department was out the day they named their national holiday. Canada generally pisses me off, especially when they send us horrible musical imports that impose their will on our nation's airwaves. Such as this week's Band That Sucks Balls: NICKELBACK.


God Fuck NickelBack. These guys are horrible. First of all their lead singer is named Chad Kroeger. Guys named "Chad" are generally complete tools that shouldn't front rock bands and this tard is no exception. I would say that Chad rocks a "Mom Cut" but that would be an insult to my mom's hair. It's like he wanted to have badass long rockstar hair but then got scared at the last moment and stopped just short. This is a theme with Nickelback. They really want to be a badass rock and roll band but then realize that they are not quite cool enough to pull it off. Look at this picture. "Whoa check us out we look angry and badass! We have torn jeans and cool belt buckles! We...should probably tuck our t-shirts into our jeans now. Yeah good call lets not get too out of hand."


Nickelback only sings two types of songs, all of which sound exactly the same. They got famous with their unique brand of shitty power ballads that took over the radio early this millenium. Except they removed all the cool elements of the power ballad. Take Whitesnake lyrics, remove the guitar solo, and sing the whole song in a loud droning post-grunge grunt voice that sounds like Creed with less balls, and you have a Nickelback ballad. Generally the song's theme is Chad's girlfriend has just left him and he's sitting in his room, staring at a photo of her, crying about the breakup while he combs his mom perm. (BTW when I youtube "Photograph" 2 of the top 3 results that pop up are the shitty Nickelback ballad and not the totally kickass Def Leppard song. Another reason they piss me off.)


When Nickelback isn't singing teary ballads they are singing songs about.."BEING TOTALLY BADASS!! AND ROCKING HARD LIKE ROCKSTARS AND GOING TO PARTY TONIGHT AND DRINK LOTS OF BEERS TILL 5AM!! WOOOHOO!!" Wait wtf just happened? I thought you were just singing about sitting alone crying over a picture frame. When did you get friends who want to party with you? Oh you didn't. You just want to pretend to be cool. Well you're not cool Nickelback, nobody wants to party with you. You couldn't possibly drink till 5 am, that might lead to your tee-shirt getting untucked. There are no groupies flocking to you Chad, you look like the lovechild result of Nicolas Cage in "Con Air" banging a cocker spaniel.


Of course the most mysterious thing about Nickelback's success is that I'm not the only person that thinks they suck. NO supposedly everyone else also HATES Nickelback. Bring up Nickelback at a party and everybody will chime in about how they are an awful band. Wait...if everybody thinks they suck...why have are they a consistent multi-platinum selling rock band whose songs are on the radio all the time? Clearly SOMEBODY likes these assholes, and I want to know who those somebodys are so I can go on a nationwide arson tour burning their houses down.


Well I've discovered there are two groups of people that are responsible for that Canadian dogshit blaring on the radio 45 times a day.


(A) People don't know about music so they just "like"/purchase anything they hear on the radio.

(B) People who "hate" Nickelback...but "you know...own some Nickelback cds cus they were cool in high school and I didn't know better.


Group A: Whatever, you people are sheep. If you weren't raised on good music you might as well buy whatever's on "Now! Buzz Ballads volume 10." Group B: Fuck you. What the hell?? Nickelback was NEVER cool. Why did you ever purchase their album? You have NO right to talk shit about how awful their band is if you are directly responsible for their rise to the top. I have bought some shitty cds in my lifetime but hey at least Lil' Kim wasn't still polluting our airwaves 10 years after I bought her debut album.


Anyways I think (or hope) that this will soon be over. All the people who "accidentally" bought Nickelback cds now hate Nickelback and won't buy their cds anymore. The people who just know what's on the radio don't buy cds consistently enough to maintain Nickelback's success. So hopefully Chad's reign of terror has come to an end. If not I'm tying those lame fucks up in my trunk and driving them back to Canada myself.


(Ok I take back what I said earlier about Lil' Kim. "Hard Core" is a masterpiece. Totally get why I purchased that cd)

3 comments:

  1. I think you're being a little harsh to cocker spaniels.

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  2. country folk rock

    allways sucks allways will

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