Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: NIRVANA


There are numerous ways by which you can cement your place in rock history as an all-time great legendary band. You do this by actually recording a bunch of totally kick-ass albums and memorable rock anthems. Or you can do this by being an innovator and doing stuff musically that hadn't been done before. The quickest path however, to historical rock legend status is death. It is a well known fact in life generally that people gain a greater appreciation for you when you die. This is true of presidents, actors and especially of musicians. If you're a band and your lead singer dies this theory is applied tenfold. No band better exemplifies the dead rock star theory than this week's Band That Sucks Balls: NIRVANA.


Look I know you like Nirvana. Everybody that grew up as a child of the 90's liked Nirvana at some point. Nirvana burst onto the scene from the Seatlle underground scene in 1991 with their sophomore album "Nevermind" and the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit." At the time people had grown tired of "cheesy" bands with big hair and leather pants that only sang about sex, drugs, and having a good time (aka bands that were totally Rad). So the public wanted to hear something different. Nirvana stepped up to the plate and gave the people that different rock sound they were looking for. They mixed distortion, punk rock, and angry emotional lyrics and birthed a "genre" known as Grunge. And everybody loved it. Kids stopped wanting to wear leather jackets, metal bracelets and torn jeans. Now they all wanted to wear flannel, corduroy pants, and skater shoes. Nobody wanted to form bands in their garage that sang about chicks and partying it up anymore. Now they wanted to sing about how angry they were, and how much they despised their daily existence.

You see Nirvana capitalized on a fact that people had known for years: Kids are pissed off. No matter how comfortable their lives might be, kids are going to be unhappy about something. Especially around the time they are heading to middle school. They hate school. They hate that they're hitting puberty. They fucking HATE their parents. Mark my words when your kids turn 12 they will despise you for one reason or another. Back in the day kids used to deal with their anger and hatred for their parents by losing themselves in the sounds of awesome rock and roll. Kids loved rock and roll because it took them away to a fantasy world they could never fathom being a part of. Then Nirvana came along and decided rock and roll should be music that kids COULD relate to. Music about being misunderstood, underappreciated and solemn. Music about "angst." Music that is not fun...at all.

Nirvana was huge during the early 90's but it wasn't until one fateful day in April of 1994, that they established their place among rock legends. Kurt Cobain who loved doing heroin and was bi-polar, went on a bender and got super depressed about either the realization that he was married to Courtney Love or the fact that he had run out of heroin. So he did what any logical depressed individual would do and stuck a shotgun in his mouth and blew his brains out. As soon as this happened Kurt Cobain was no longer just an angry rock frontman for a popular band. Now he was AN ICON. He was a misunderstood genius that nobody appreciated. He was that rare rock star that DIDN'T want to be rich and popular. Nirvana and the music they created wasn't just a trend that the kids were into. They were pioneers that had revolutionized rock and roll forever. Today over 16 years after Kurt Cobain's suicide people still classify Nirvana as an iconic band of innovators that changed the face of music, and completely overlook the fact that Nirvana actually totally sucks balls.

Have you actually listened to a Nirvana CD recently? There is nothing impressive about their music. Kurt Cobain couldn't really sing so he just kinda snarled and growled throughout Nirvana songs except during the hook when he would start screaming. His lyrics were total bullshit that coincidentally sounded like the crazed rambling of a heroin addict. He fucking SUCKED at playing guitar. Kurt Cobain actually appears high on lists of revolutionary rock guitarists. WHY? A Nirvana guitar solo is just a bunch of distortion noise that sounds like Kurt was just dragging his axe across the stage and intermittently kicking it. The only member of Nirvana with any musical chops was Dave Grohl whose talents obviously weren't discovered until after Kurt Cobain shot himself and he was allowed to actually play music that was fun and be happy occasionally.

Even if you own any Nirvana CDs from your days of teenage angst..admit it...you are never "in the mood" to listen to Nirvana. Who the fuck just sits around and says to themself "You know what? I could really go for a song called RAPE ME right about now." Who wants to jam out to lyrics like "I wish I could eat your cancer?"The most universally acclaimed Nirvana CD is their MTV Unplugged album obviously since it was the last music the recorded before Kurt Cobain's death and the band's first posthumous release. Nirvana Unplugged fucking blows. It's like Nirvana said "hey our music isn't depressing enough, how bout' we strip our songs down to a slow acoustic pace, add a standup bass and really encourage our listeners to slit their wrists." Basically listening to Nirvana unplugged is like entering the world's gloomiest coffee shop on a rainy day. If I ever call you and say that I'm spending an evening by myself listening to Nirvana's unplugged album, you can safely assume it is the last convo you will ever share with me as I will be hurling myself off my balcony halfway through track 6.

The thing that sucks about Nirvana is that Kurt Cobain died before the band got a chance to experience the backlash of people realizing that their music sucked. That their "sound" was nothing more than a trend or a fad. Once a musician dies you can no longer be critical of them because that would be insensitive. So Nirvana's "legacy" will remain intact. A legacy present today in the form of countless shitty bands that can't play their instruments for dick and sing about being miserable. A legacy safe in the hands of a generation that would rather sit in a corner and cry about their problems, than go out and forget about their misfortune by having a good time. Thanks a lot Kurt Cobain, you stupid asshole, now rock and roll is no longer allowed to be fun. Thanks to you the party's over.

29 comments:

  1. "Thanks a lot Kurt Cobain, you stupid asshole, now rock and roll is no longer allowed to be fun. Thanks to you the party's over"

    That pretty much sums it up.
    :) I enjoyed this BTW.

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  3. but they did kill shitti poser white boy bands like guns n roses so hats off to them

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  4. Lol you actually think that Nirvana's fame was even remotely enhanced by Cobain's suicide. I doubt you actually even hate these guys; I think you are a closet fan that is a hipster.

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  5. THAAAAAAAANK YOOOOOOOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!

    SOMEBODY WHO GETS IT!!!!

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  6. It's about time someone had the balls to finally say Nirvana sucks <3

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    1. Did you know that Nirvana inspired Breaking Benjamin? It's amazing how Breaking Benjamin is far better than Nirvana.

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  7. NAILED IT.

    Nirvana's legacy was never about the music. The generation of bands spawned by Nirvana's influence didn't realize that they loved Nirvana for what they represented, not what they played. We're still suffering through the remnants of post-grunge (maybe the worst mainstream era since disco) to this day.

    Nirvana's albums were mediocre-at-best. Nevermind and In Utero now sound ridiculously dated and unlike The Pixies or even Pearl Jam, they didn't have the musical chops to be anything more than a cultural icon.

    Thanks for speaking the truth about this 'classic' band.

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  8. Fuuuuuuccccccckkkkk you maybe you should kill yourself you retarded little diaper wearing Alzheimer patient you suck dick and 80s metal sucked. And Michael Jacksons career ended as a result of nirvana the point of their music was to be simple and express feelings rather than be a macho homophobic misanthropic who should be raped with a shotgun fuck you he had more talent than you ever will let's see you do something that actually effects a generation biiiiiitttttccccchhhhh RIP Kurt the reason he killed himself was close minded faggs like u

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    1. I think the most close-minded supposed rock icon is Kurt Cobain. Which other artist would tell his fans to choose between his music and another band's and that they can't choose both. Kurt Cobain did that with Guns n' Roses on some silly reasons about Guns n' Roses being a misogynist band when he was the one who used to call women as bitches. He was a less than mediocre artist who knew how to mask his opportunism as a troubled musician who didn't want fame. Well if you don't fame, would you become a Rock Musician and sign a deal with a major record label?

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  9. wait what you were good up till now i agree nirvana never really had the chance to prove it because of cobains death but PEARL JAM ? PEARL JAM DIDNT MAKE THE LIST?

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  10. Fuck you. I bet you listen to Journey and Poison. Shitty dad rock and hair metal. Nirvana were a unique band. Kurt Cobain wasn't a technical guitarist but he was a UNIQUE one.
    Nirvana weren't coporate and fake like Poison and Motley Crue. Also don't blame Nirvana for their shitty imitators.
    You have fun listening to dad rock while you die of cancer while us real music fans enjoy non-coporate music.

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    1. Because Nirvana's non-corporate? Dude, I can find all their albums at Wal-Mart. And don't say that's not Cobains doing, he edited Rape Me to Waif Me so they could sell In Utero.

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    2. Journey's singer has more talent than Cobain could hope for. What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind when he killed himself?...His teeth. =]

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    3. He played 4 power chords per song. How unique. And Nirvana were corporate, though I can give them credit for not being fake.

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  11. Nirvana sucks dick. Fucking Melvins told us that.

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  12. This is so awesome! Thank you for posting this, you have made my day =) I agree with every single aspect of your argument and would love to add one thing.

    For all the people talking shit about "80's hair metal", keep in mind that some of THE BEST guitarists spawned out of this time. I could not compare a single 90's guitarist to anyone in the 80's because they would just get trampled.

    I hate it when people find out I was a "90's kid" and that it was SOOOO cool to grow up during this time....not really. Definitely like the 2000's and 2010's WAY better and appreciate every decade other than the 90's, especially musically =)

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    1. The best guitarrist is Jimi Hendrix... he played with his soul. 80's guitarrists all imitated Eddie Van Halen. There was a lot of speed and technique going on but all going to the same place. Till this day, you can still identify when a solo goes "80's style". Its cool, but it also can be very prefabricated and repetitive.

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  13. I can easily listen to Nevermind everyday.

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    1. Yeah, it's like listening to one never-ending song.

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  14. I'm a 90's kid and I never listened to Nirvana, and by looking at their lyrics and shit, I'm glad I didn't. We can say I'm unbiased, I am completely indifferent to who Cobain was or was to become, but I look at his lyrics and any 3rd grader could write that shit. His writing sucked, and as a guitarist, it speaks for itself, nothing great. I think he killed himself because he knew it would come to end at the point where people grew tired of his whining and I'm pretty sure THAT he wouldn't have been able to handle.

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  15. You say they suck for what? Lacking the musical talent based on what standard? The lack of ability to play guitar like Eddie van Halen or singing like Freddie Mercury? You sir may shove your standards up your ass. They are great for a reason and for what they are. The mediocrity you mentioned? That is where their power is. And i don't expect someone who judges music based solely on individual skills to understand that.

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    1. So their mediocrity is what makes them a good band? Wow, that makes a lot of sense.

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  16. Sometimes miserable whiny music can be good is the music and singing is good (Portishead comes to mind), but if that's missing, then it's just annoying.

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  17. I just saw them on an old Saturday Night Live tonight, and they sucked complete ass, the same as they did when they were popular. But listening to that garbage with adult ears was hard to do. They had one good song, and it was kick-ass, but that's it. The rest of their music was complete garbage. The author summed them up just perfectly. I have their cd here somewhere, and I have had no desire to listen to it over the past 20 years, and I guarantee I'll never listen to it again. Heart Shaped Box, pfffffffffffftt, what a hunk of shit that 'song' was. Maybe if you're really into heroin it makes sense, other than that I'm not seeing it.

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  18. I just saw them on an old Saturday Night Live tonight, and they sucked complete ass, the same as they did when they were popular. But listening to that garbage with adult ears was hard to do. They had one good song, and it was kick-ass, but that's it. The rest of their music was complete garbage. The author summed them up just perfectly. I have their cd here somewhere, and I have had no desire to listen to it over the past 20 years, and I guarantee I'll never listen to it again. Heart Shaped Box, pfffffffffffftt, what a hunk of shit that 'song' was. Maybe if you're really into heroin it makes sense, other than that I'm not seeing it.

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