Thursday, October 21, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: TRAIN


When I was growing up there were two music networks, MTV and VH1, that played two distinctly different types of music. MTV played rock and rap videos. VH1 played music that sucked dick. You could immediately listen to a band and designate which channel their music videos would be played on. If a band was edgy and featured a parental advisory sticker on their CD they were an MTV band. If a band sounded like Hootie and the Blowfish or something from the Lilith Fair lineup they belonged on VH1. Then of course music all blended together into being one big melting pot of suck. Bands that were "cool" disappeared. A bunch bands decided they were gonna make the same brand of shitty pussified soft VH1 rock. Today, almost half the popular bands out are "VH1 bands" led of course by This Week's Band That Sucks Balls: TRAIN.

Train is a piece of shit. First of all, look at these losers. They could be the poster child for a new picture website called "bands that dress like dickheads" They're like "hey we're a bunch of conservative, mature middle aged guys, we should probably have our wardrobe supplied by Lands End's winter catalog." Nice fitted gray v-neck sweater. Pea coat. A nice casual train conductor hat. We could fit right in with a crowd of yuppie douchebags on their laptops at Starbucks. Wait...but...we're rock stars. We have to look...edgy. I've got it. The lead singer will wear leather pants with his v-neck. One guy will have stylish but slightly torn jeans. And douche #3 will be the one member with sunglasses. SWEET. Now we look badass! No you don't. You guys look like a couple of newly divorced middle aged losers hitting up the club on a Friday night. You should change the name of your band from Train to "Home Depot" because you are a massive collection of tools.

Aside from the fact that they look like clowns, Train's music itself of course blows. If Jason Mraz and the Goo Goo Dolls combined the worst elements of their respective styles and formed some sort of VH1 super-group, they would be Train. All their songs are some convoluted metaphor for an awkward quiet girl wandering around a coffee shop waiting for Mr. Right to sweep them off their feet. Somebody that does funny, quirky things like drinking coffee at midnight. You only know this because the word "she" arises repeatedly throughout their songs. Otherwise you would never figure out that "Meet Virginia," or "Calling all you Angels,"or "Drops of Jupiter" are songs about chicks. Their singer sings in a a breezy upbeat tone, sounding kinda like every coffee shop's solo acoustic performer if he actually got a band behind him. And he fucking SMILES when he sings. You CANNOT SMILE WHEN YOU'RE SINGING A ROCK SONG. It is completely against the rules. If you smile while singing you are not a rock frontman. (The exception being a quick, evil smirk and wink to the crowd while saying something cool like "squeeze my lemon till the juice run down my leg.").

Train was largely popular during the late 90's and early part of the millenium. Then as you would hope would happen to an utterly talentless group of asshats, their career fizzled out and they disappeared. At least for 3-4 years we were free of Train's VH1 balladeering. This year however, they realized that a brilliant way to get back on the charts would be to write a song perfectly suited to be an annoying advertising jingle. So they wrote "Hey Soul Sister" also known as THE WORST FUCKING SONG EVER. These jackoffs actually decided to write a whole song based around a ukelele riff. Obviously the lyrics include such brilliant couplets as "Like a virgin you're Madonna, and I'm really gonna Wanna" and rhymes "radio" with "stereo." There an annoying repetitive "Heyyyyyy" singalong part to it. Everything about this song makes me want to hurl bricks at baby strollers.

Of course an annoyingly simple song like this is bound to get in your head so EVERY commercial uses it. Seriously I'm not exaggerating when I say I hear this song at least 20 times a day. Jesus. Enough already. Just because your company picked a catchy song that sticks in my head does not mean I'm gonna remember to buy your fucking phone, or TV or whatever the hell you're selling me. In fact I'm prone to not even pay attention to what shitty product you're selling me now that I've heard that goddamn Soul Sister song and changed the channel within three seconds to avoid having my head explode from rage. Go away Train. Even the awkward quiet girl at the coffee shop is sick of your breezy melodies. Please stop making music and go model outfits for Old Navy's adult male line. Douchebags.

23 comments:

  1. Fuck, that's so true, media doesn't seems to get Train fucking blows. I hated that Coca-cola commercial with their shit song christmas time, I wanted to kill myself all the season, ruined my vacations, which I spent home. More people should get Train sucks ass.

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  2. I happened to find this after I heard this horrible song, "drive by"-i think...on my local public radio station that I donate to, that I will stop listening to if I hear that song again...nice to know somebody else feels like I do!

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    1. listen to another song and stop being a judgmental prick.

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  3. Lies.... They probably sing WAY better than you ever could!!!

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  4. You obviously know nothing about the band. If the only songs you've heard are the new ones, who the fuck put you in the place to insult them? All you are talking about in this article is the new songs. If you haven't heard the old ones, and if you can't even manage to include the lead singer's name, you don't know enough about them to insult them. (FYI when they got together they weren't middle aged. They've been around a long time.)

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  5. oh and BTW Drops of Jupiter isn't about a girl. It's about Pat Monahan's mom who died of cancer.

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  6. Worst band in music today. Train, maroon five and jack Johnson should be played on a non stop rotation to terrorist detainees in the middle east to extract intelligence info.

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  7. They are definitely NOT conservative. And they ARE jackoffs.

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  8. There's definitely worse out there but the reason I found this is because I find them annoying and wanted to see if anyone else feels the same. Their last three songs (at least the ones I heard/hear) hey soul sister, 50 ways to say goodbye (had to look that up) and drive by get on my nerves especially because I hear them at my work all the time. There's nothing wrong with catchy songs but they seem like they've made these songs deliberatly with some "catchy" riff or course because that's what people like. Ughh another one is buble...

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  9. As if we needed another reminder, the NFL Kickoff Pre-game proved it again

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  10. Lump them in with Dave Mathews, Maroon 5 and that shit band Jerod Leto is in. Makes my ears bleed.

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  11. the sad thing is, they are (with the exception of that shitty lead singer) very talented musically. on howard 101 this weekend theyve been playing their live performance of led zeppelin ii. the band pretty much nailed it. i'm guessing the lead singer writes all their shitty chick-wetting songs.

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  12. and yes, fuck dave matthews, too.

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  13. the sad thing is, they are (with the exception of that shitty lead singer) very talented musically. on howard 101 this weekend theyve been playing their live performance of led zeppelin ii. the band pretty much nailed it. i'm guessing the lead singer writes all their shitty chick-wetting songs.

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  14. the sad thing is, they are (with the exception of that shitty lead singer) very talented musically. on howard 101 this weekend theyve been playing their live performance of led zeppelin ii. the band pretty much nailed it. i'm guessing the lead singer writes all their shitty chick-wetting songs.

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    Replies
    1. You can say that again (and again and again, apparently).

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  15. Hi just happened upon your site while googling "train sucks" You are hilarious and obviously I agree with everything you say. I am 55.

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  16. Yep, I'll write a train sing
    She does this, she does that
    She did this she did that.
    She she she she she

    Train sucks dicks

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  17. Somebody should kick pat Monahan in his tiny nut sac, and hard

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