Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Texas Sized Pride


I reside in the great Republic of Texas, and this weekend was a trumphant one as the Texas Rangers advanced to their first World Series in franchise history. Now you might be saying to yourself, "but....the Rangers play...baseball. Aren't the three most popular sports in Texas...high school football, college football, and professional football?" Well yes they are, but Texans are always willing to support anything that will further proclaim their supremacy over the rest of the nation. So as of Wednesday at 7pm everyone in the state will suddenly own a Rangers hat and be glued to their televisions rooting on the Rangers as they take on the San Francisco Giants. If they prevail Texans will one more reason to tell foreigners why their state sucks balls compared to the lone star republic. For now they have at least these five:


1. Cholesterol Combo#3
People in other parts of the country are constantly trying to find ways to eat healthier. Veggie burgers. Low Carb diets. Wheat pita sandwiches. The works. Meanwhile on a daily basis Texan food establishments are doing everything they can to get us on the fast track to a triple bypass. Texas does not give a fuck about your fancy nutrition facts. Texas has barbeque. They have quadruple decker cheeseburgers. They have quadruple decker cheeseburgers topped with barbeque. They have REAL Mexican food. You know how at Tex-Mex restaurants they put cheese wiz in a bowl and call it queso? In Texas, they melt flaming cheese in a bowl mix it with chorizo sausage and call it "queso." Texas has an entire state fair devoted to finding new items to deep fry every year. Deep fried bacon, deep fried ice cream, deep fried twinkies. You name it. I hope to spend the rest of my life living in the lone star state surviving on a Texan diet, even though that means I probably won't see 35.

2. Pewwwwww!!
Other states are all about bitching about gun control. "We can't have people carrying guns! They're so dangerous!! People shouldn't have guns in their homes! What if a child gets a hold of it??" Texans on the other hand love them some 2nd Amendment Rights. "What do you mean we can't all have guns in our homes you liberal pussies?? Fucking 2nd Amendment!" (If you argue with a Texan that the 2nd amendment is kinda outdated considered it was framed around a time where people NEEDED to bear arms to protect themselves from Redcoats...you will be shot). In Texas renting a gun is about as easy as renting a dvd. "Um yeah..here's this here form that says y'all will promise not to like..go on a shooting spree. Initial here. Enjoy your revolver." This does not however, mean you're constantly at risk to get hit by a stray bullet walking the streets of a lone star city. You see in Texas everybody was taught the proper way to use a firearm at an early age. And everybody has a gun. So I mean nobody is gonna randomly point their gun at somebody else knowing that there is an 80% chance they are also an armed NRA member.

3. Ignorant Music
The rest of the country is always trying to wow you with their cultured taste in music. Oh look we're in Brooklyn listening to the hippest indie rock. Oh look we're the midwest with our up and coming conscious rappers. Oh we're out West at the trendiest new hippie jam band festival. Texas on the other hand is totally content with clinging to their favorite ignorant genres of music and blaring it loud. Texas country music is not like Billbooard 200 country. No cute songs about riding big green tracors, or Taylor Swift power ballads about the boy next door. Texas country music is about getting drunk, screwing, fighting, and ultimately shooting somebody with a 12 gauge shotgun. In other words totally rad. While other areas are all about their "backpack" rap and insightful political hip-hop, Texas is one of the few places left where gangster rap is still thriving. Texas rap is all about pimping hos, slanging dro, putting diamonds in your mouth, and getting fucked up on syzzurp. You won't see Paul Wall and Bun B rapping about the plight of Haitian earthquake survivors anytime soon.

4. Catering to Stereotypes
People in other parts of the country are constantly trying to dispel stereotypes you might have of folks in their region. People from Jersey want you to think they're NOT all Ed Hardy wearing guido meatheads that love techno music. People from Massachusetts don't want you to think that they all have accents right out of "The Departed" that require annunciating like a six year old. People from Texas however, don't give a fuck about your stereotypes. In fact they are more than willing to embrace them. If you went up to a Texan and said I bet you have a ranch, own a giant belt buckle, cowboy boots, two firearms, and love George W. Bush, they would reply "yes, of course I do, I'm from fucking Texas, what's your point?" Texans know they are unique and different from people hailing from any other part of the country and they love it. They could give less than a shit that if you think they talk funny, dress funny, or have warped political views. They are who they are, and damn proud of it. Speaking of which....

5. State Pride
Texans are the most proud, patriotic people on the entire planet (I say "patriotic" because Texans truly believe their republic is it's own country). Nobody loves their home more than Texans. EVERY building in Texas flies the state flag over it. I can say with 100% confidence that no other state does this. Texan children are raised to know Texas history, pledge allegiance to the Texas flag, and sing Texas songs. If you meet somebody from Illinois you might not learn this fact until you've known them for at least an hour. If you travel to Cincinnati, you won't hear people saying "This is fucking Ohio that's how we do shit up here!!" at every available opportunity. Only Texans have this sort of state pride. They are Texans, they know everything is bigger and better in Texas and they will not hesitate to tell you so. If you aren't in agreement you can just get the hell out somebody stomps you with their cowboy boots, slaps you with an oversized belt buckle, or shoots your ass. Texas: Not to be fucked with since 1836.

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