Bands That Suck Balls: COLDPLAY

Generally when I name off a band that in my opinion totally sucks balls, I get a decent amount of people I know to nod in agreement. Everybody "hates" Nickelback. Most people agree that U2 are a pack of douchebags. Anybody that quit smoking weed after college agrees that Phish blows. Even Dave Matthews Band with their seemingly universal appeal among our generation have their fair amount of haters from the non-conformist indie rock audience. There is one band however, that you will never get somebody to admit totally gobbles nuts. Most people like this band. A lot of people love this band. Everybody at the very least tolerates this band's music. This is despite the fact that the band in question is quite possibly the worst band in all of "rock" music. This weeks Band That Sucks Balls: COLDPLAY.

I fucking hate Coldplay and am apparently the only person that feels this way. Chicks love Coldplay. Dudes love Coldplay. Mainstream music fans love Coldplay. Hip music fans love Coldplay. Critics love Coldplay. Even fucking Jay-Z has professed his love for Coldplay. All of this infuriates me because Coldplay's music is absolute dog shit. The best way to describe Coldplay's sound is as a less rocking version of U2. You might be saying to yourself "A less rocking version of U2..?" WTF does that even mean?! Well basically you know the part in every U2 song where The Edge totally rocks out and plays that "DING DING..DANG DANG" riff? Yeah well remove that riff from the song, add some soft piano and some chimes and bell noises and you have just written a Coldplay rock anthem. People say the most memorable part of a Coldplay concert is (wait for it)...when they drop a barrage of rainbow streamers and balloons on the crowd! Is this a rock concert or a five year old's birthday party? That is almost like when Gene Simmons flies over the crowd spewing blood on Kiss fans...except..not at all.

What amazes about Coldplay's status as a "great rock band" is their inability to be great at anything. In fact Coldplay is not even moderately good at ANYTHING. Their guitarist sucks dick. Their drummer just bangs on a tom tom. I assume their bassist sucks since it is impossible to groove to Coldplay's music. Their lead singer is Chris Martin and he sucks more balls than all of the other members combined. His voice is like a Bono/John Mayer hybrid whine that sounds like somebody sighing repeatedly for 3 minutes. I guess by default the only "talent" I could see in Coldplay's music would be Chris Martin's piano playing since their music is largely based on tickling the ivories. He doesn't play rocking piano though like Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Joel or pre-Lion King Elton John. No C-Mart just gently tickles the ivories in a soft, repetitive droning melody. Also don't tell me Coldplay writes brilliant lyrics. I don't think even the band could explain to me wtf "Yellow" is about.

"Well you see chap. There were like stars...in the sky..shining Yellow...and then I was Yellow...and then like we were all...Yellow..."

(WOW! So...EVERYTHING was fucking Yellow!! Genius!!)

Coldplay also pisses me off because they are always praised for NOT engaging in "typical rock star" behavior. Last year "60 minutes" did a special segment on Coldplay where the interviewer actually emphasizes that despite being a massive rock band, "You won't see Coldplay wearing ridiculous leather pants or snorting drugs off of the back of a stripper." No, of course you won't. THEN COLDPLAY WOULD ACTUALLY BE FUCKING COOL Instead they get fired up for a show by sipping on some green tea and playing chess. Instead of wearing leather pants they dress like the cast of "The Wiggles." What a bunch of pussies. Also if you make the standard Coldplay is "gay" joke, a Coldplay fan will quickly point out that Chris Martin is not literally homosexual and is in fact married to Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah well that doesn't earn you any cool points either. Gwyneth Paltrow sucks. Real rock stars marry supermodels and Playboy Playmates. Not some stupid flat assed bitch with fucked up teeth that acts in period pieces.

Due to Coldplay's steadfast commitment to not acting like typical rock stars, we will probably be exposed to 20 more years of their shitbag arena piano rock. I mean none of the members is gonna choke on his own vomit or OD on coke in the near future. Chris Martin is not gonna get wasted and tell the other members they are all untalented assclowns, leading to a band breakup. I would say I hope their private jet crashes into a mountain, but owning a flashy private jet is probably more "boorish rock star behavior" that Coldplay doesn't believe in. Fucking tools.