Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bands That Suck Balls: THE ARCADE FIRE


I got a lot of negative feedback regarding my Pink Floyd entry last week, since apparently a large proportion of my audience has had memorable experiences tripping balls to Dark Side of The Moon. So this week I will go back to bashing modern music, since it's a fact that modern "rock" universally sucks dick and I am not even willing to acknowledge anyone that would argue otherwise. Of course since I don't really pay attention to modern rock bands, there are currently a lot of famous bands that I assume suck, whose music I have never bothered to listen to. So until I stumble upon them and see what all the unnecessary hype is about, I can't really render a fair opinion. One example would be this collection of shitbags that I stumbled upon while making the mistake of checking out SNL's musical guest this week. It's a good thing I didn't have a firearm in my possession on Saturday night because I would have definitely shot a hole in my tv or my head after listening to these assholes perform. This Weeks Band That Suck Balls: THE ARCADE FIRE.

The Arcade Fire hail from Montreal, Quebec, Canada. So they are not only Canadian...they're French-Canadian. Feel free to read on, but I think this fact already establishes that these guys most definitely gobble nuts on a platter. You couldn't come up with a gayer combination than French-Canadian if you put "Glee" on the Bravo network. The Arcade Fire are also very critically acclaimed by douchebag music magazines across the globe which is tell-tale sign #2 that their music probably blows. For strike #3 we'll point to the fact that their genre is listed as "Indie." When originally coined, the term "indie-rock" band simply meant underground..you hadn't yet reached the mainstream..you were simply on an independent non-major record label. Now of course being an "indie" band means you don't actually fit into a real music genre because your music isn't really music, but rather some weird fusion of shitty sounds.

The Arcade Fire are..just...fucking awful. This band is like the intoxicated wet dream of the most demented hipster after a few too many PBRs. First of all there are approximately 77 band members in The Arcade Fire. Generally cool rock bands have 3-5 members in their group. There are only two scenarios where you can have 10 plus members and make cool music. (A) You're a funk band. (B) You're Lynyrd Skynyrd and consider having six guitarists completely necessary for maximum overdose of America all over your ass. Otherwise if you have 10 or more members, you are likely a shittastic rock band. Aka you are The Arcade Fire. The Arcade Fire have got to have the most random ensemble of musical instruments ever put together and defined as a band. They are like the Hipster orchestra version of the Wu-Tang Clan, except instead of a bunch of badasses in black hoodies rapping about kung-fu warfare onstage, you get a bunch of dickheads in suspenders with sideways part haircuts singing about bullshit.

Lets examine the members of this douchebag collective. There's your standard guitar, drums and bass, none of which are played well. In fact in one live performance I saw, the lead singer literally wore his guitar...backwards...because he had no use for it. They are just there to present the appearance of a rock and roll band. Now for the rest of the assclowns. There is some stupid hipster bitch that bangs on a keyboard repetitively. There is a guy with a fucking tom-tom who bangs on his marching drum like a hearing impaired retarded child. There is a standup bass. When do you ever need a fucking standup bass in your rock band unless you are a 1920s jazz band playing in a speakeasy? There are violins, violas and cellos. Some tubas and french horns. There is a fucking xylophone and glockenspiel in the group. SERIOUSLY? A FUCKING GLOCKENSPIEL?? I'm sorry are we attending a rock and roll concert or a Goddamn elementary school recital? What happened to the guys that played the oboe and recorder? Did the Bassoon player get fired due to creative differences? Jesus christ. Everybody in the band in addition to playing their shitty orchestral instrument plays the role of backup singer humming in unison (yes HUMMING). Whatever I won't complain too much about that, anything that takes away from the sad faced lead singer weeping about his feelings.

Seeing this band not only make it big, but get critical praise absolutely infuriates me. Seriously it makes me question what kind of world we live in where the equivalent of a 4th grade music class jam session is classified as "brilliant rock and roll." Is your kindergartener currently banging away on a Fisher Price xylophone in the basement? Make him stick with it! He can play in a famous rock band someday!! Kill me now. Listening to these French-Canadian assholes bang away on their glockenspiels and tom-toms and hum in prefect harmony almost makes me long for the days when Celine Dion was the shittiest U.S. import Quebec was responsible for. Somebody get these hipster hosers the fuck out of here before I set fire to a daycare center.

20 comments:

  1. I could not agree more...... arcade fire is the worst piece of
    shit collection of complete and total douches the world has ever
    seen. I'd like to suggest Vampire Weekend for your next installment
    of bands that suck balls. Those whiney little bitches beg ridicule
    with every single lame ass note of music that comes out of
    their shit eating faces.

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  2. Solid suggestion. Vampire Weekend is definitely absolutely horrendous "music." I can barely get through 20 seconds of one of their song clips without gaining the urge to stab somebody.

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  3. Even though I don't exactly agree with you, this was the funniest shit I read all year

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  4. I think that may have been the funniest thing I have ever read on the web. I never gave this band a chance before ever hearing them, I confess, when I heard they treat people like dirt. Then I listened to them. It made hating them all the more sweet. I love that you used hipster in this article twice. Very appropriate, I just wish they would read it and realize people see through their wanna-be-awesome facade.

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  5. I'm not an old man yet,
    but I am waaaaaay over people acting like the next shitty rehashed music atrocity is Hendrix/knopfler/clapton come again.
    The level of musicianship in that group is somewhere around zero, no one plays anything impressive on any of the million plus instruments placed on stage, every song is just more of the same 3-4 chord pop garbage, people who like the music are into the aesthetic not any inherently impressive musical quality. Not to mention every interview I have ever read involving genuinely innovative musical groups lists arcade fire as the most pretentious and horrible group to have to play with. Check out the flaming lips frontman's rant about how rudely they treated the staff and other performers at some festival they were both at a couple years back. As if I wasn't already tired of their sound, reading about the way these puffed up hipsters treated musicians that were innovating while they ACTUALLY WERE in elementary school playing the glockenspiel in a 4th grade class recital.

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  6. By the way they’re front man (Win Butler)was born and raised in the U.S. and so was his bother William. So much for your useless points about the Canadian music scene (read fuck you here). Thanks for coming out to Uninformed Opinion Day…you win first prize.. it is called the Ignorant Asshole award. This is coming from a guy who also doesn't like Arcade Fire.
    OH YEAH FUCK YOU AGAIN,
    With Love From Canada FUCK YOUUUUUU!!!!

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  7. @ Bill Smith

    The only thing Canada gave the world is shitty, no-talent artists and bands who cover much better music because they lack originality.

    Canadians will keep telling themselves that their music doesn't suck because in the last 60 years all they mannged to produce is The Guess Who and Rush.

    Your music sucks Deal with it.



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  8. its arcade fire not the arcade fire and indie means not pouplar band or not very well known there not indy anymore

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  9. You have hit the nail on the head, my friend. In further fleshing out the "sure to suck" list, you may as well add as strike #4, any band that's appeared on SNL in the last ten years. I'm sure there've been one or two exceptions that prove the rule, but by and large, it appears that SNL's producers have been on a decade long mission to identify the crappiest bands on the planet.

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  10. As a Canadian, I can't possible argue with you that most of our music is shit. There are some major, notable exceptions (none of which include Rush and The Guess Who) but we'll leave those alone and focus on this post specifically.

    I couldn't agree more with your assessment of Arcade Fire. I've said for years there are way to many people in this band to end up sounding as bad as they do. Back up singers and horns are the only reason you need this many people in a band. If any one of them was a master of their instrument, I might be able to look past it. But sadly, that is not the case.

    With suck a complete lack of musical talent, it's no wonder they rely so much on theatrics. Between the reflective box and Win's lame eye paint, their SNL performance can only be chalked up to 1 thing - self-indulgent tripe.

    Wake me up in a few months once all of the hype is gone.

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  11. This is the best and funniest thing I've read in ages. And dead accurate. We saw R-tard Fire on SNL and regretted that ol' Lorne hadn't used the time for something more useful, like an informercial or dead air.

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  12. Are you aware that this shitty band is being advertised all over this blog?

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  13. Thank god for this blog! These fucks suck major ass to the point that words fail me, but luckily for me...this blog is here ...Thank you! Thank You! Thank You!
    Arcade Fire is offensive drek and dripping excrement drivel of the highest order.
    The fact that they exist at all is alienating and in-explicable but at least there are others who feel the same way....THANKS!

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  14. Yeah!...you're right, arcade fire sucks!... those damn millionaire hipsters

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  15. I totally agree, how do they sell records that's a mistery. As a Montrealer, however, I must clarify that these dudes are actually American, Haitian and such who moved up and are squatting our scene! :-(

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  16. I totally agree, how do they sell records that's a mistery. As a Montrealer, however, I must clarify that these dudes are actually American, Haitian and such who moved up and are squatting our scene! :-(

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  17. So much ad-hominem and idiotic points in general. I'm glad this blog died. Old ignorant idiots....

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