Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Most Miserable Time of The Year

Well November has finally come to a close. Thanksgiving's passed, and you're back to work/school after your long weekend of eating, drinking, watching football and brawling with people over the right to buy a flatscreen plasma TV at half price. Every store has switched over from turkey and pilgrim decorations to cardboard Santas, multicolored lighting and Candy Canes. Tonight is the network premiere of the claymation classic: "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer." What does all this mean? It means folks, that it is officially "The Holiday Season." Time for you to start preparing for Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or whatever Tom Cruise celebrates. As many people call it: "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year." Well I'm not entirely sure who came up with that saying because the holiday season absolutely sucks balls. I hate this time of year. As angry as I am the during the other 11 months, there is no part of the year that makes me more enraged than the holidays. For this reason I now present to you the top five reasons I hate "The Most Wonderful Time of The Year." Bah fucking Humbug.

This is the only time of the year that has an entire genre of music devoted to it. As soon as Turkey day is over, it's time to throw on the yuletide carol mixtape. Look I don't mind Christmas Carols in small doses. However, do we really have to listen to christmas carols 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for a whole goddamn month? EVERYWHERE we go? Turn on your car radio and you will hear Christmas songs. Go to the grocery store or CVS and you will hear Christmas music. Go to the mall and you will hear Christmas music. The mall is really the worst because every retail chain and department store has their own annoying Christmas Jingle. I know because I worked in retail growing up. Every day I spent working inched me closer to utter insanity due to hearing our annoying holiday greeting/jingle on loop.

"For the best gifts for your loved ones this holiday season, come to Macys!"
"Maaaaacys....The best place for Holiday cheeeeer!!!"

"For the top holiday price cuts no place takes it to the Max like TJ MaxX :)!
"Christmas time at TJ Maxx! The Beeeest time of the Yeeeeear!!"

Goddamnit. Can't you just play generic store music that doesn't make me want to stab the closest person in an elf costume? At home you can't avoid this shit either, because there a billion Christmas music specials that come on every night, that you will be forced to watch with your family. A Country Christmas. American Idol Christmas. A Soulful Christmas. Apparently it is completely necessary for us to hear Reba McIntire sing "Jingle Bells" with a twang, Clay Aiken gay up "Let it Snow" and Beyonce' sing her 12 minute R&B rendition of "Little Drummer Boy" (Paaaah raaaap paaa paaa paaooohhhhhhaaaaam!!). Worse than shitty covers of classic Christmas carols are "modern Christmas songs." Every pop star releases a shitty Xmas single that they sing at these stupid music specials. I can't wait to watch Justin Bieber perform his new hit "Yo girl I Just been Waiting For You to Dance Wit Me Under The Mistletoe."

2. Decorating
It's totally reasonable to decorate your home for a holiday. Put out some Pilgrims/Indians themed table mats for Thanksgiving. Hang up some pumpkins and goblins for Halloween. Set up the Christmas tree and hang up ornaments. Whatever. The Holiday season however is when you have to go completely over the top. This is because every neighborhood has an unspoken rule that requires every house to engage in a cock measuring contest over who can have the coolest, most elaborately decorated house. You can't be the one loser household with one glowing Santa on your porch and a wreath on your door. That asshole Ned Flanders next door has stapled lights across his entire roof that blink in rhythm on a timer. He has bright lit up candy canes all down his driveway. He has the whole fucking nativity scene out in his front yard. This dickhead will then come over to you when you're checking your mail and start chatting about how much work he's put into his winter wonderland masterpiece. At this point your mom/dad can't respond "That's nice. My son is home visiting and has been sitting on his ass drinking beer and playing video games." So when you come home to visit you have a duty to go out in the frigid cold and set up Santa's sleigh and all 12 of his reindeer on the lawn. You have to risk ending up in a wheel chair to climb your 20 year old ladder and put lights up on the roof. All so that family across the street with the kids who are attending top ranked law schools, or making six figures can't get the best of you. Total bullshit.

3. Shopping
This week I saw a bunch of people put up status updates about how they were all done with their Christmas shopping. "Four weeks till Xmas and I'm already done with shopping for everyone on my list!! Yaaaay! :)" You people are fucking liars. Nobody finishes their Christmas shopping over a week in advance. Otherwise how do you explain what a shitshow the mall is when I go to do my half-assed Christmas shopping? Generally I find that it is better to order Christmas presents online these days so you don't have to deal with the annoying suburbia mob at the mall. Still there are always a couple things that you can't get online. Specialized items that require you to go out in public to the one store in town where you can purchase this gift. Of course even if you are in the store to pick up a few small items, there is now way you can make this a quick five minute trip. First of all, you can't get to the item you need without fighting past the retarded window shoppers standing in your way. You know the people who are "just looking" and still "debating" what to buy. Can you go window shop from a distance? Window shopping should be banned after December 20. If you don't know what to buy at this point, it's probably gonna be a shitty gift anyways. Just give your loved ones an Itunes gift card and get out of my way. Then you have to stand in line for an eternity with all these mental midgets and their 785 last minute purchases. Why don't they have express checkout lines in malls like at the grocery store? So I can get in and out without having to wait behind the stupid bitch who takes an hour to finalize her purchase between sorting through her purse for her checkbook (It's 2010, get a fucking Mastercard they approve everybody), and telling her bratty kids to shut the fuck up.

4. Presents
When you're a kid growing up, Christmas is definitely your favorite time of the year. This is because Christmas presents when you're a kid are totally Rad. There was always some specific badass gift at the top of your Christmas list. You kinda knew you'd get this item, but your parents always acted like it was unlikely they'd be able to find this gift you requested. They'd prob hide it until Christmas morning and then you'd open up your gift and go apeshit and act suprised when you unwrapped that special gift. "OH MOOOOM!! THIS IS JUST WHAT I WANTED THAAAAANKS!!" I swear my happiness as a human peaked at 10 when I got my G.I. Joe Battle Fort for Christmas AND "Shredder" Ninja Turtle action figure.

(BTW, The previous paragraph kinda assumes you weren't poor and your parents weren't assholes. So sorry if I offended those of you that got Hungry Man TV dinners for Xmas).

It was also easy as shit to buy presents. Your siblings/cousins got one of the designated items on their list from you. And your parents got some cheesedick sentimental gift from the "Family Memories" store in the mall. I think I got my mom a picture frame with a customized message featuring a variation of "Merry Christmas Mom you're the best mom in the world" like six consecutive Christmases. Now however, it's impossible to shop for adults, If you have a significant other you have to buy them something special and meaningful like a cruise or vacation (Unless you've been married long enough to buy them a crock pot). Or at the very least some pimp jewelry. What about mom and dad? I don't know shit about tools, so I don't know what to buy my dad from Home Depot. If Rod Stewart didn't release a new CD of Motown covers mom is getting nothing this year. As for m gifts, yeah I'm definitely not gonna get anything cool. Prob some gift cards, and some sweaters from American Eagle I'll never wear. Boring.

5. Family
Look most people love their families. Or at least like them a moderate amount. Nobody however, likes their family enough to tolerate them through an entire holiday season. If nothing else, there there are at least certain kin that you can't stand. Your annoying cousins that won't stop screaming and break everything in the house. Your dorky aunt that always wants to chat. Your grandma who wants to know when you're getting married, having kids etc. Your boozehound uncle who just wants an excuse to go "get something from the store" so he can sneak off to the local pub for a couple afternoon cocktails. (Wait actually that last guy is fucking Rad.) Regardless, at some point you will come to blows with a family member over something. You will tell your aunt she is fucking boring. You will call your dad an asshole. You will scream at your uncle for making you listen to Christmas music in the car when you want to blast some Biggie. Shit will go down. A week or longer with your family and there is no stopping the inevitable throwdown. This sucks. That being said, all I can leave you with this holiday season is this advice. Just try and survive because this bullshit only happens once a year. Try not to completely lose your mind at the mall and assault a store clerk. Don't tell your mom you wish you were adopted. And go out with your pops in the cold and put up those damn Christmas lights. In the meantime, I'm gonna have to find someplace to fit this damn tree.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TYlOTajXGg&feature=related

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