Use that $10 for Something Else you Sick Bastard.

Assuming you've turned on your TV in the last two weeks, you have probably seen about 700 ads for the new Disney Picture "The Sorceror's Apprentice" starring Nicolas Cage. This movie, just like every other Nic Cage vehicle looks utterly retarded. This movie, just like every other Nic Cage flic, is expected to do well at the box office. I read up on some box office result stuff on the interwebs that said that the movie was looking like a complete flop and was only supposed to bring in a "disappointing" 30-35 million dollars in the first five days of release. DISAPPOINTING?!? By my count dividing that number up at $10/ticket, that is approximately 3-3.5 million people in America that you can safely assume don't have a soul.

To be a Famous "A-List" Hollywood actor you have to be either (A) A good actor (B) Good Looking or (C) Funny. Nicolas Cage doesn't fit into any of these categories. So why in the fuck is he a star? Who funds his career? Is this some sort of sick Hollywood conspiracy? On that last note I did some research and found out that he is the nephew of director Francis Ford Coppola (of "Godfather" fame), so I guess that could be part of an explanation for how he rose to the top. For the record fuck the Coppolas at this point. After Francis, you gave careers to Nicolas Cage, and Sofia Coppola who became famous for directing that stupid fucking movie where Bill Murray spends 2 hours in Japan doing nothing humorous. Thanks for nothing. Assholes.

Family connections aside, it's fair to say Nicolas Cage became famous for his award winning portrayal of a loser alcoholic in "Leaving Las Vegas." This was the best Nicolas Cage movie ever. Not so much because he won an Oscar for it, but mostly because Nicolas Cage dies at the end. The concept of winning an award for "portraying" an alcoholic jackass is dumb. How hard was nailing that role? I'll be doing that "portrayal" tonight somewhere downtown. Send me a fucking golden statue. Post Oscar fame, Nicolas Cage then went an insanely succesful run, making a career out of making awful action flicks that all mysteriously rolled in the dough at the box office. There was "Face Off": quite possibly the stupidest movie ever made. There was "Con Air" aka "Forrest Gump" meets "Roadhouse"....ON A PLANE. There was "The Rock" which was somewhat decent but only because Sean Connery kicks ass.

After making a series of critically acclaimed serious films about nothing in particular ("Adaptation" "Matchstick Men") where Nicolas Cage played a quirky weirdo (aka himself), he returned to the shitty action flick scene. There is of course the insanely popular "National Treasure" franchise which is basically a homeless man's Indiana Jones. Nic Cage has also managed to make money off of "Ghost Rider," "Next" and "Bangkok Dangerous" which all could have been renamed "Nic Cage drives a bike...with a mullet." Seriously look at the name of that last one..."Bangkok Dangerous." Are you fucking kidding me?? The creative powers that be didn't even bother to go the extra mile and name it say..."Danger in Bangkok." Was the film named by a Thai hooker? Yet still at some point THAT movie was number 1 at the box office!

So there I just summarized Nicolas Cage's IMDB page for you. Can you name me ONE Nicolas Cage movie that was an absolute MUST-SEE? Or at least one movie that really NEEDED Nicolas Cage in it? NO. You can't. Yet for some reason there are assholes out there that have absolutely NOTHING better to do than to fork over $10 at the movies to fund this douchebag's career. Nicolas Cage is kind of like the Nickelback of Hollywood in that I have never met anyone that is a self-professed "Nic Cage fan" yet somehow he is a commercial cash cow. So whoever you people are that go see Nic Cage movies, a big hearty FUCK YOU. I have no choice but to stereotype you all as either child molesters or serial killers. Because nobody other than a sick soul-less bastard would go see one of his movies. Edward Norton can't get a decent role to save his life but Nicolas Cage is swimming in box office gold. Sign #1 that there is officially no God in Hollywood.