Tonight is Oscar night, and obviously whenever Hollywood dipshits are involved I have something to be angry about. We all know that just like music, any movie that is hip and critically acclaimed probably sucks in my eyes. The "Oscar Buzz" movie of each year almost always disappoints me or puts me to sleep. Movie about Bill Murray walking around Tokyo for 2 hours with Scarlett Johanssen where nothing happens...not my cup of tea. Movie about some ghetto Indian kids who go on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire." Lame. I am a movie buff however, so I do generally make the effort every year to try and watch the big buzz worthy flicks and keep up with who gets nominated for and wins what. Mostly so I can just get pissed off when the actors and films I love don't get the Academy love I feel they deserved. (Update: Rad dude Christian Bale won best supporting actor..I'm temporarily pleased). There are so many issues I have with the Oscars that it seems only fitting that I compile a list of things that piss me off about the awards, and angrily rant about them. Here we go.
1. The Bias Against Rad Flicks
Terminator 2. The Dark Knight. American Psycho. The Big Lebowski. Animal House. What do these films have in common? Well first of all, they are all classic Rad flicks that pretty much every dude with an actual DVD collection probably owns. Also...none of them were even Nominated for Best Picture the year they were eligible. They are all movie's that have stood the test of time as amazing movies that you can re-watch a billion times. Yet they weren't good enough to be considered ONE of the best movies the year they came out? Give me a fucking break. Clearly the Academy has a total bias against Rad flicks. One of the few recent exceptions would be "The Departed" which basically had to be awarded to make up for Marty being snubbed for so many years (more on this later). Otherwise you've gotta be a certain "type" of movie to get Best Picture recognition (More on this soon). For example this year two of the best movies I saw were "Shutter Island" and "The Town." Badass horror/psychological thriller and crime heist flick respectively. Apparently not amongst the 10 best movies this year. Toy Story 3 however...apparently is. What the fuck.
2. Being the right "type" of Movie..leads to awards
In order to get nominated for an Oscar (and especially to win), it seems like 90% of the time you have to be a certain "type" of movie. You've gotta be some sort of elaborate historical epic (Dances with Wolves, Schindler's List, Titanic). You''ve gotta be some sort of bio-pic about somebody who's dead (Ray, Milk, Walk The Line). You've gotta have some sort of social message (Crash, Philadelphia). Or you have to be about a retard (too many to name). Otherwise youre totally fucked when it comes to scoring Oscar gold. You know what movie "Dances With Wolves" beat out for Best Picture? Oh just a little movie called "Goodfellas." Yeah I mean clearly 20+ years later I can't count the number of lazy Sunday afternoons I've spent watching that five hour piece of shit about Kevin Costner hanging out with an Indian tribe. "Goodfellas" though..rarely re-watched, definitely remember very few scenes from that random mob flick. "The Fugitive" is a hall of fame Rad flick (with never nominated Rad acting icon Harrison Ford)...couldn't beat out a black and white movie about the holocaust. Titanic is just "The Notebook" on the Titanic. "Crash" is just a homeless man's American History X with a happier ending. All these movies though..best picture winners. Bullshit.
3. It's a Lifetime Achievement Award Show
The Oscars annually portray themselves as an award show that awards cinematic excellence for the individual year they take place in. The best movie that came out THIS YEAR. The best acting performance of THIS YEAR. Everybody knows this is a total crock of shit though. More often than not however, you get awarded by the Academy for your life's resume of work. Once the Oscars feels bad that you've been nominated..and lost..for so many movies/roles you deserved to be awarded for, they give you an Oscar. For example, the aforementioned Marty Scorcese's finest work came in "Goodfellas" and he was nominated a billion times and lost to lesser directors/films. So finally with "The Departed" (good flick...not his best work) he won best picture/director. Al Pacino put on an acting clinic in the 70s with four lead actor Oscar nominations in classic films. Couldn't win one Oscar. Most Notably in 1973 he was nominated for what I consider to be maybe the greatest individual acting performance ever in Godfather II. Clearly he lost to Art Carney's tour de force in the alltime classic "Harry and Tonto" (yes that was sarcasm). Then got awarded for screaming a lot in a Southern accent in "Scent of a Woman" (editor's note: I love and own this movie). Last year Jeff Bridges won his lifetime achievement Oscar by beating out Colin Firth. This year minutes ago, (taking nothing away from "The King's Speech") Colin Firth won best actor because he'd been nominated and lost before in the category. Duh. Moving on.
4. No Love for the Funny Men
Can somebody please explain to me why there are ZERO categories for comedy at The Oscars? Is comedy not considered acting? To me comedic acting is actually some of the hardest work in film to pull off. I'm sorry but I seriously doubt Sean Penn could nail the role of Lloyd Christmas in "Dumb and Dumber" as well as Jim Carrey did. 30 plus years later, yeah "The Deer Hunter" is a great five hour epic depressing Vietnam drama worth seeing once, but "Animal House" is the iconic film of 1978 that has stood the test of time. There are a billion dipshit categories like "Best Animated Short Film Documentary Editing" that nobody gives a shit about, but not ONE comedy category? Basicall a group of hipsters can make a 15 minute film where they tape themselves taking dumps, film it in black and white and win a fucking Oscar. However, if you were involved with the most hilarious movie of the year that made audiences nationwide piss their pants...no recognition for you. There is even a fucking category for "best song in a motion picture." Not best soundtrack. Just best random theme song to a movie that played while you're rolling through the credits. Hence why the current Oscar tally reads: Three Six Mafia: 1 Eddie Murphy/Steve Martin/John Candy/John Belushi: 0
5. It's an Epic Fart Sniffing Competition
Everyone knows nobody likes the smell of their own farts more than Hollywood celebrities, and their is no better self-indulgent forum to discuss what wonderful human beings you and your acting peers are than the Oscars. Just a second ago Sandra Bullock was introduced as a presenter who "is known as much for her acting as for her work as a human being" (paraphrasing). OMG. Look at this rich white woman who fucking adopted a BLACK baby! She is soooooo progressive and not racist! The acceptance speeches are the fucking WORST. You would think that Hollywood single-handedly created the Civil Rights movement, approved Gay marriage, and defeated the Nazis if you've ever heard an Oscar acceptance speech. A few years ago George Clooney made it seem like Hollywood giving Hattie McDaniel of "Gone With The Wind" an Oscar in 1939 basically ended segregation. Yeah nice work Hollywood, your great work really paid off 30 years later. If you win anything with a role/film connected to a social cause/historical injustic you have to rant about how much you loved "bringing light" to it with your work. Even though everyone knows you would give a fuck about civil rights/gay rights/AIDS etc. if you weren't filthy rich and famous with an image to uphold. They should just give an award at the end of the show to "Most self-indulgent flatulence smeller in an acceptance speech" once everything else has been handed out.