Monday, August 9, 2010

The Most Useless Fuck in the History of Uselessness

As I've mentioned before, one of the great things about America is the fact that if you have ANY talent, you can make it here. And the word "talent" is defined very loosely in America. Talent can just be the ability to be pretty and rich. Talent can be the ability to amuse people with your outlandish behavior on a reality show. Talent can be the ability to transcribe your daily exploits as an asshole. If you make the effort to go out of your way to do something that makes you interesting to a large audience, I guess you are "talented." That being said, if you are interesting to a large audience because of your ability to scribble on pictures you are not talented. You are a waste of human life that deserves to be hit by a Greyhound bus.

I don't like to share my political views on this blog, but Perez Hilton's mother is the reason I support abortion. He is an absolutely fucking useless human being with no talent whatsoever that got famous for his ability to do...nothing. Celebrity gossip media has steadily grown in this country over the last few decades, as more and more stupid girls longed to know on a daily basis what their favorite Hollywood role models and celebrity crushes were up to. So we got all these fucking media outlets like "US Weekly," "People," and "E!" to keep the estrogen brigade up to date on whether "Famous Whore A broke up with Famous Douchebag B,"or "Famous Slut C" got caught driving drunk with blow. Whatever. At least these various media outlets were all in the business of reporting "news" of some sort. Paparazzi were getting paid to be in the right place at the right time to catch a celebrity engaging in some controversial debauchery. Writers were getting paid to write about this aforementioned behavior and how it affected the grand scheme of things in the world of Tinseltown "whos banging who." These people had a skill, and were "good" at reporting "news" that people cared about.

Amidst this growing nationwide fascination with celebrity gossip, the fat useless shitbag pictured above came up with a "brilliant idea": Take the latest paparazzi shots of famous them on the internet on his blog...and then scribble a humorous word bubble/label on the picture. Then briefly comment on the picture so you can call it a "blog post." WOW. You might think to yourself "What a a ridiculously stupid idea for a website." That is of course if "you" are not one of the millions of girls that logged onto his fascinating website and made him a national celebrity (and continue to do so today on a daily basis). UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. Are you kidding me?? What a useless shit. You don't take pictures of celebrities doing stupid shit. You don't uncover scandalous stories. You don't write articles about celebrity gossip. You just acquire other people's shit, post a picture..scribble on it...and then write a 2 sentence comment like "This is Lindsay clearly NOT drunk in New York. You stay classy girl!" That is not talent.

You will often hear me and other people utter the phrase "Seriously anybody could have done that" in reference to things. "Seriously I could have coached the 1996 Chicago Bulls to a championship." "Seriously I could have written that stupid rap song about phat asses." "Seriously I could have invented a blog mocking funny hipster pictures." You get the point. Generally when this phrase is uttered, you know deep down inside that while the accomplishment appeared pretty easy in principle, in reality simply "anybody" could not have done it. Well Perez Hilton is the giant exception to this rule. Stick a huge fucking asterisk next to his pink haired head in the world of "anybody could have done that" comments, because seriously "ANYBODY" can fucking acquire pictures of celebrities doing stupid shit, and scribble a word bubble on the picture followed by a two sentence comment/"joke." I have no doubt in my mind that the most absolutely retarded 11 year old child could do this.

I guess "Perez's" talent comes from the fact that he was the one asshole in the world that realized there would be a market for his "blog." That is where his credit is due. I'm gonna go ahead and agree to disagree. Credit is due to to the other 99.999999999% of the world's population that NEVER thought that scribbling on pics of drunk celebrities would be a logical road to fame and fortune. Nor should it be. Just because you realized there are a lot of fucking stupid girls with short attention spans out there in the world does not mean you are a visionary. I hope you get attacked by a pack of tigers, and somebody scribbles something cute on a picture of your mauled body to post for all the internet to see.

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