Tuesday, August 3, 2010

GROUP SHOT!!!!! :)



I often joke around about "Bros" on this website and their general douchebaggery, but where would bros be without their female counterpart: The Whore? Well thankfully some sites on the web have begun to document the various traits of these bimbo sluts. You know them from your facebook newsfeeds, and from overhearing them recount their epic party weekend at the office water cooler. I admit that this inspired my friend and I to rant about many of the things that are stereotypical whore characteristics/interests that other people may have overlooked.





Daddy



Whores don't generally have high paying jobs. After all they are fucking dumb AND lazy so they are pretty much content to stay in their entry level office position and not get promoted while they wait around to marry someone rich. Whores however, need to party all the time which requires funding. They need to party on boats. They need to go on vacation in foreign countres. They need to pay the $20 cover to see DJ Fuego at Club Kha-OS and pay for the cocaine needed to fully enjoy DJ Fuego. This of course is all funded by "Daddy" who is a rich scumbag who feels that the only way to maintain his close relationship with his whore daughter is by forking over his checkbook and platinum Mastercard. Normal people if you ever had an "allowance" stopped receiving one once you were you know ...old enough to earn your own spending money working at Blockbuster. Whores however, receive allowances well into their mid to late 20s. Only now their allowance is called "money to live on." Apparently daddy tells himself that $1000 a month is needed for princess to buy groceries.



Talking shit about Mom



Since Daddy is the one that funds the party, whores always love their fathers. Mommy however, gets to be the butt of every whore joke told. Whores love to talk about what trainwrecks their mother is. If you believe a whore's flattering description of her mother, mommy is some sort of disaster hybrid of the real housewives of Jersey/Courtney Love. Mommy is always wasted on white wine. Mommy is always saying stupid shit. Mommy is beloved by her whore daughter and all of her whore friends for her daily stupidity. Since mommy is not respected she gets called by her actual name or some nickname variation. A typical whore mommy discussion:




Slut 1: OMG do you know what Sue-Sue said at Thanksgiving in front of EVERYONE??



Slut 2: OMG WHAT??



Slut 1: She was obvi wasted on like 5 bottles of chardonnay and was like "Now Linds you and Jen- Jen need to be careful tomorrow for her birthday, don't end up in jail like Miley Cyrus!!"



Slut 2: OMG UM Sue-Sue you mean Lindsay Lohan....?



Slut 1: YEAH WRONG CELEB MOM!! DUH!! LOL LOL. Stupid bitch.



Slut 2: LMAO!! HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SUE-SUE.



Top 40 Radio


Top 40 radio is fucking awful, but is also by definition the most popular music on the airwaves. So WHO you might ask...supports this shitty bubblegum pop garbage..? Whores. Whores will tell you they like real rock bands. After all they own a cute Rolling Stones baby doll crop top, even though they can't name a single song other than "Satisfaction" (which they played at like..the Super Bowl). They don't. They like pop music. Whores are too stupid to seek out good music, or develop good taste so they just like whatever songs are played at parties/clubs. Once they have had a positive experience with a pop song (i.e. made out with hot guy to Chris Brown/T-Pain collabo jam), they run to the store with daddy's plastic and charge $15 to buy the whole cd. Then they pop the cd in their car and listen to the jam on repeat while driving around with their other slut buddies in oversized sunglasses. Now when that sweet Katy Perry jam comes on while they're partying tonight, they can all scream the lyrics in drunken unison and dance in step like some fucking trainwreck version of The Supremes.


Comparing Themselves to Celebrity Whores


Whores, just like everybody else in the world, need role models. Since whores love reading "Perez Hilton" they find these heroes to aspire to in the form of celebrity whores. Just like the whores themselves, celebrity whores like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton love to party hard, get their picture taken partying hard, and party till they have fallen on their ass with their mini skirt over their head and their coochie in public view. On the rare occasion when they're not comparing their whore posse to the cast of "Sex and the City" whores are comparing themselves to these shitshows. When one whore is not around, her whore buddies will judge her and discuss which celebrity whore she should be designated in the group.



Twat 1: OMG Marie totally knocked over 2 Crantinis on that table and then made out with that GROSS guy last night. I'm just gonna start calling her Britney jr.



Twat 2: ROTFL. I mean we already have our Lindsay Lohan in your redheaded ass!! LOL.



Twat 3: Am I Paris cus I am the tallest bitch in this crew. LOL.



(The whores will then inevitably tell you how them and their friends should have their own reality TV show)



Having "Meaningful" tatoos


I have fucking stupid tatoos. When I was in high school I got drunk and decided they were a good idea (they weren't). I will openly acknowledge how retarded my tatoos are. Whores however, despite being dumb as rocks, don't like to acknowledge their own stupidity. If they have a tatoo it is ALWAYS meaningful, despite the fact that the only people that see this meaningful statement imprinted on their body are dudes that bang them. They have Curious George tatooed right above their panties because that was their favorite book that daddy use to read them. Their Grandpa died, and he was Irish so a shamrock with the date above their ass seemed like a touching tribute. I'm sure your Grandpa's dying wishes went something like this:




"I really hope that my sweet little Cindy gets some ink on her lower back that pays tribute to me. That way when some guy is banging her from behind this weekend he can behold how much she loved GrandPappy. Otherwise I didn't help raise her right"




Religious tattoos are especially popular amongst whores, because they love to pretend they are religious even though they violate the rules of the gospel every weekend. They like...went to church three times this year, and heard one Bible quote that really resonated with how they should deal with adversity in life. Probably should get a tattoo of it on their hip. Their devout love of Jesus will peek out when they wear that slutty Catholic school girl outfit for Halloween.



Group Photos


Normal people like to take pictures on special occassions. Somebody got engaged. It's New Years. It's a birthday party. Hell, if it's been a long time since you've seen your friends from college who live in another state, yeah totally fine for you to take a dozen snapshots together. Whores however, take pictures of FUCKING EVERYTHING. We're at brunch. Group shot!! We're shopping. Group shot!! We're at the club, cocktails in hand. Group Shot!! How many fucking variations of the same picture do you need to have? I've seen this shit before. There's 8 of you. You are positioned next to your very best bestie who you're "engaged/married to" on Facebook (Seriously why do girls do this..? It's fucking stupid. Somebody out there might actually think you're a Lesbo/off the market). You all smile. CUUUUUUTE! This is especially infuriating at a bar. I am trying to get a fucking drink. Can you have your fucking reunion shot in front of the bar later? Also I don't want to do you a favor and take a picture of your crew of whores so you can IMMEDIATELY mobile upload this from your IPhone and show the world how much whore fun you're having. You know you have one token ugly friend who doesn't fit in the picture. Have her snap this shit for you. Stupid whores.

2 comments:

  1. Having a tattoo on any part of your body where some random dude may end up jizzing on is generally never a good idea...unfortunately for whores, this means pretty much anywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There is a chance you are qualified to receive a Apple iPhone 7.

    ReplyDelete