Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hipsters: Ruining all the Fun since 2001

I'm certainly not the first person to address the growing hipster problem in America. Hipsters are a plague on this great nation that need to be stopped before it's too late. Most people who hate hipsters, hate them for their personal douchey hipster characteristics. I on the other hand, hate the fact that hipsters have ruined things that normal people like myself could otherwise enjoy.

1. PBR
When I was in college, our household had a beer case purchase rotation. When it was my turn to purchase a case, instead of spending $9.99 for a 30 rack of Milwaukees Best or Natty Light, I would plunk down $10.99 for a 24 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. PBR rules, It's the only cheap beer that actually tastes like real beer rather than river water. It comes in a totally rad red, white, and blue can. Nuff said. Well at some point PBR became the official hipster beer. Now if you are to encounter a hipster at a party, or go to a seedy dive bar, you will find Hipsters downing PBR. I can see why hipsters are attracted to PBR. First of all it generally comes in a can, and it's totally non-conformist to drink beer from a can at a bar, rather than from a bottle or glass. Second, it's cheap and hipsters are generally in art school or an up and coming indie band and can't afford to drink expensive booze. So now I can no longer drink this glorious staple of America because I might be associated with one of these hipster douchebags.

2. Throwback basketball gear
Hipsters don't play sports. Unless you consider pool and dive bar shuffleboard to be sports. They also don't watch sports because they only like participating in activities their old man can't relate to, like going to see foreign films and checking out mash-up DJ shows. Hipsters however, love retro shit, and nothing is more retro than old school basketball gear. I like to think that Basketball shoes peaked in the 80s and old school sneaks are cheaper than the new Lebrons, so for casual rec league basketball I would like to own some old school Converse's or some old Nike Airs. I can't. Hipsters have fucking cornered the market on old school basketball sneakers. If a hipster ever bought a pair of New Balance sneakers, he would likely be disowned from his social circle forever. So they have to rock old school sneakers (preferably in an awful color like Orange or Green) to compliment their skinny jeans and show how retro they are. Hipsters have also ruined the concept of wearing throwback jerseys. Normally it would be cool to display the fact that you still have an old school Orange Rockets Robert Horry Jersey from 1995. Not anymore. At some point Hipsters decided to raid local thriftstores and Good Will outlets (where hipsters purchase a majority of their wardrobe), and purchase "ironic" throwback jerseys. Hipsters love irony and nothing is more ironic than the fact that you have chosen to wear the jersey of a random old school NBA player to the party (no shirt underneath of course). The more obscure the player the better so a Vernon Maxwell jersey definitely earns you more hipster points than say a throwback Charles Barkley.

3. Liking Indie Music
If you ask a cool angry old man what their favorite band is, they might answer "Led Zeppelin" or "The Rolling Stones." If you ask a cool younger kid they might say "The White Stripes." If you ask some loser born after 1986 they will answer "Dave Matthews Band" or "Coldplay." Regardless, the point is all of these people will answer with the name of a band you've actually heard of. This is an unacceptable practice in hipster culture. Hipsters by definition want to be "hip" and nothing is more hip than liking bands nobody has heard of. Hipster's love to have pissing contests naming off a list of their favorite obscure indie bands. Once a band becomes mainstream, hipsters no longer embrace their music. If you tell a hipster you like "The White Stripes" they will tell you how they haven't made anything decent since their 2nd album "De Stijl." Then they will tell you how awesome "The Decemberists" set was at SXSW last year. If you are a hipster the only mainstream bands you're allowed to like are "The Clash" and "The Ramones" because they're famous for being anti-establishment. What sucks is that there are occasionally cool bands that come out and stay under the mainstream radar initially. You saw them open for a cool band, bought their cd and think they are badass. Now you want to buy the band's t-shirt at their concert. You can't. If you have an indie band t-shirt you are labelled a hipster. That's why I wear Van Halen t-shirts. If you broadcast your love of Van Halen, you are clearly making no effort to be hip by any standard. Speaking of which....

4. T-Shirts
I live in Texas. It is hot as shit here for 9 months of the year. So I often have to wear t-shirts. Well my t-shirts are generally classified in 3 categories. (1) College t-shirts (2) Sports team t-shirts (3) Whiskey t-shirts. Well there are only so many options for cool t-shirts in these 3 categories. So once in a while I think to myself "Hey I'd like to buy a t-shirt with a funny saying on it." Or "I'd like to buy a t-shirt of a classic tv show." OR "I'd like to buy a t-shirt of my favorite modern sitcom." Well I can't because some hipster has already purchased that t-shirt and ruined it for everyone else. You like "Sanford and Son?" Well some hipster already has a t-shirt with Red Foxx on it saying "You Big Dummy!"You love "It's Always Sunny?" Some hipster dickhead has already purchased a "Paddy's Irish Pub" t-shirt and ruined it for everyone. Wanna buy a t-shirt with a funny George Bush quote? Some hipster has already purchased every fucking hilarious t-shirt with Dubya on it saying dumb shit. Hipsters have absolutely ruined t-shirts.

5. Comedy
There was a time when the Comedy genre was made up of movies that your face hilarious. Then the hipster market emerged and hipsters are far too intellectual to just appreciate dirty one-liners and fart jokes. So the indie comedy emerged. Indie comedies emphasize subtle humor that only hipsters are douchey enough to pick up on. "Well you see it's funny because...he is living with his ex-wife...and their kids dress in tennis outfits all day." HAHAHAHA SOOOO FUNNY. Indie comedies also must either (A) be about a social issue (teen pregnancy/gay marriage) or (B) Be in some sort of artistic format like a mock documentary about a crew of deep sea divers. There are no funny parts in hipster comedies, the hilarity just arises from the entire concept of the movie's plot. They lend to great hipster discussion following the "film" (Hipsters watch "films" not movies) since there are so many ways to interpret the flick. Also hipster comedies feature ensemble casts, so everyone in the convo can be unique in picking their own favorite subtly humorous character. Hipster comedies have been all the rage ever since Wes Anderson kidnapped Bill Murray in 2001, and blackmailed him into signing a contract that stipulated that he never be funny in a motion picture again. Fucking Hipsters. You even managed to ruin Bill fucking Murray and f0r that I will never forgive you.


  1. I truly could not have said it better myself. You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar!

  2. Two things: 1. Steve Zissou kicks ass (that is unless you think the scene where he shoots at pirates and raw power is playing), and there are some funny ass lines in that movie and 2. Your explanation of what T-shirts you wear sounds pretty douchey

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