Wednesday, August 18, 2010

MTV True Life: I'm a Pussy


When I was growing up old men like myself had real problems to deal with. In addition to having to walk to school 10 miles away in 6 feet of snow, many of us had a number of serious issues to deal with. Your parents got divorced. Your step dad beat your ass with a belt if you didn't eat your vegetables. Your alcoholic uncle abandoned you in the car on hot summer days. Your sister was a cokehead stripper. You moved around a lot, from one shitty apartment to another. You had to work at a fast food joint to have money to afford a shitty car and buy pot. Shit was tough, and props to you for making it this far and becoming a fully functioning member of society in spite of it.

At some point however, kids stopped having real problems. They had stable upbringings. They grew up in a nice picket fence suburb. Dad wasn't hooked on the Wild Turkey and even played catch with them in the backyard. When they turned 16 there was a brand new Honda Accord waiting for them in the driveway. Life was easy, kids had no reason to complain. So they INVENTED problems to bitch about. Everyday nuances and minor obstacles evolved into "Problems" that kids took every opportunity to cry about. All this happened around the time that MTV stopped playing music videos and needed something new to fill their daily programming time slots. So MTV came up with the concept for "MTV True Life."

MTV True Life is a "documentary" series on MTV where kids who don't have real problems get an entire show devoted to them that brings light to their minor daily obstacles. Seriously fuck this show. It is ridiculous. I can't believe the "problems" these kids have that are apparently worthy of being the subject of a documentary. I saw one the other day that was MTV True Life: "I'm a Shopaholic." No joke this was an exchange in the show:

Overpaid Shrink Douchebag: "Well I think this is really the first step towards you getting cured. Cancelling your credit cards is a real step in the right direction. You're really maturing.

Spoiled Rich Bitch: "I mean...I'm just really scared if I can still control myself. I mean what if I wake up and suddenly have the urge to hit up an ATM and go to a 24 hour CVS and go on a bender...?

WTF. THIS IS NOT A REAL PROBLEM. Watching this made me angrier than Bob Sagat in "Half Baked" when he hears about Thurgood's "addiction" to marijuana. Waaaaah :(. You have an "addiction" to shopping? No you have an addiction to being a spoiled materialistic brat. This is not akin to the homeless woman that sucks dick in an alley to get $5 for a couple 40s. Instead of having an intervention for you, mommy and daddy should cancel your credit cards, take all money out of your account and make you get a job at the mall like a normal teenager.

There are 5000 other similarly miniscule problems that kids have to deal with that MTV has felt the need to document. MTV True Life: "I have Embarrassing Parents." MTV True Life: "I'm the Black Sheep." OMG. You have embarassing parents?? Yeah so does fucking everybody. Parents are by nature supposed to be embarassing. If you have parents that aren't embarassing you are probably one of those kids that has the "cool" parents who get drunk with you and let your friends smoke weed in the living room with no consequences. Later people realize these non-"embarassing" parents are shit shows. Oh no...you're the "Black Sheep" of the family :(. Everybody thinks they are the black sheep of their family. Maybe if you stopped dressing like such a fucking weirdo and got a real haircut you're family wouldn't treat you like the black sheep.

The worst are the kids who complain about how miserable their high school experience is. MTV True Life: "I'm a fat loser and nobody likes me and I get picked on." Cry me a river. Oh poor you, you're a fat loser and nobody likes you. Yeah well maybe if you weren't free basing Taco Bell every morning this wouldn't be an issue. Being fat is not a problem, it's a choice. Nobody "enjoys" high school except for the star quarterback and the prom queen. Who cares. Take solace in the fact that they will be an auto mechanic and stripper in 5 years respectively. There is an MTV True Life for EVERY minor issue high school kids have to deal with. MTV True Life: "I have Acne." MTV True Life: "I have stupid tatoos." There are seriously two SEPARATE MTV True Lifes for..."I have small breasts." and "I have large breasts." Your bra size is NOT a fucking problem worth documenting.

I want to start my own reality documentary series. In it all these "MTV True Life" brats get dragged to the projects. They are forced to live in a small apartment with 10 other people. They are given foster parents with substance abuse problems who beat the crap out of them and feed them 7-11 burritos every day for dinner. They have to go to a dangerous high school. THAT would be a social documentary I would watch. Give these kids some real problems to deal with that make them realize their zits and addiction to over charging their credit card at Macy's are not REAL problems. Stop inventing problems to cry about regarding your easy privileged lifestyle kids. Life is a cakewalk for you. MTV True Life: "You are a pussy."

1 comment:

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