"I totally failed that test and need 2-3 Miller Lites to deal"

It's Mid August, and that unfortunately means that many of you are now going to be returning to school in the next week or so. When I say "school" I don't mean that wonderful 4 year fantasy camp known as your undergrad educational experience. No I mean law school. People that are stuck in shitty entry level positions go to law school because it gives them an excuse for why they never got promoted. "Oh yeah I mean it's not like I ever wanted to be a manager at this shitty job, I'm going to law school anyways." College graduates who go straight into law school do so because they don't wanna spend anytime languishing in a shitty entry level position before making the big bucks. They assume three more years of school will automatically end with a six figure salary and Mercedes convertible in their driveway. Married men go to law school because their wife makes more than them. Married women go to law school because they don't want to admit that Stepford Wife is the "profession" they are best suited for. (BTW...it is. So put the book down and get your hubby a Budweiser).

Anyways Law School fucking sucks. If you are currently attending law school you already know this. If you are about to embark on this journey, or at least thinking about it, the following is a list of disclaimers for you to pay attention to.

1. The Party's Over

As I've mentioned countless times, college is the most fun you will ever have in your life. It's a non-stop four year party where you will never be asked to apologize for your debauchery. If you are entering law school thinking this three years will be more of the same, prepare for severe disappointment. In law school nobody parties. People in law school are by nature "mature" which is a fancy word for "No fucking fun." The worst part is that at the beginning people in law school act like they might possibly enjoy a good time. They will go around discussing how badly they need a drink and organize a Happy Hour for us to all drink away our sorrows. Then you all get together at a bar where everybody talks about law school the entire time while drinking 2-3 miller lites at a moderate pace. Except for the small group of bros who get blackout wasted on tequilla shots and the chick in their newfound entourage of awesome that is making out with somebody while dirty dancing by 9pm. These people are fucking awesome. Enjoy them while you can because they will probably flunk out of school and not be around to provide you comedic relief in year 2.

2.Eye Candy = 0

In college no matter how hungover/still drunk I was, I generally went to class. Even if it was a fucking 8am Calculus class. Because in college you at least have ridiculous amounts of lovely eye candy seated around you to distract you from the fact that you are attempting to "learn" something while nursing a pounding headache. Even if girls didn't oblige you with their cutest sun dress or most cleavage friendly top, they at least came to class wearing those awesome cotton booty shorts with your school's mascot spelled across their ass. (Seriously who cares who invented a vaccine for polio, I want to shake the hand of the genius that invented college booty shorts. You fucking rule.) Anyways, this is not the case in law school. This is not to say there aren't hot chicks walking the halls of your institution of higher learning. There are. But you know how in teen comedies there's that girl that could be hot...but her beauty is hidden under those glasses, oversized hoodie, and sweatpants? Yeah...that's EVERY girl in law school. Goddamit. Yeah it's slightly colder inside our classrooms, than it is outside, but this is not an excuse to dress like you're going to a December football game in Green Bay every day. For some reason the only girls that get dressed up for class are married girls. This is because they are uppity twats that like to show up the other girls in the class who haven't been fortunate enough to get some loser cop to propose to them yet.

3. You will lose the ability to discuss anything but school

In normal everyday interaction people have to make the effort to start an intriguing conversation. Then everybody chimes in with their opinion on the matter or tells a funny story that relates to the discussion. Not skills required to succeed in the law school social scene. In law school, you only discuss law school...and nothing else. You talk about how much a class sucks. You talk about how much a teacher sucks. You talk about how much you hate studying. One of the first things you note when talking with law students is that everyone is "like totally failing." Law School classes are graded on a curve so it is actually completely inconceivable that all 90 members of a section would fail a class. You wouldn't realize this however, if you talked to every law student in your class. Fortunately the annoying bitch that is "totally failing" every subject and cries after final exams ends up finishing at the top of the class and transfers her total fail of a 4.2 GPA to a higher ranked law school in year 2. Law school students also love to inject legal terminology into a conversation whenever possible. This is because.."We're both in law school together!! And ONLY WE can relate to our feeble attempts at humor!!" The following is a typical law school convo:

Twat 1: "OMG I am totally gonna fail that class. It might as well be taught in Chinese cus I have NOOOOO idea what's going on.

Twat 2: "Ughhhhhh I know. Professor Collins is THE WORST!! How does he expect us to understand anything when he rushes through every slide!!

Toolbox in love with Twats 1 and 2: Seriously can I sue Collins for I.I.E.D.?!? ("Intentional Infliction off Emotional Distress")

ZOMG!! LOLZIES!!!!

(Kill yourselves)

4. It's like high school...but worse.

Remember high school? High school sucked balls. You have to spend 7 hours a day locked in a room with the same fucking people every day. You're all competing to ensure that you get into your dream college and the person you despise doesn't. You all engage in ridiculous gossip about one another. Everybody hates each other. Yeah well law school is high school on steroids. You have to listen to the girl with the annoying voice ask dumb questions every day. You have to hear the pompous douchebag openly discuss why he is on the path to legal success. You engage in discussion about who's a retard, who's a slut and who's an asshole. Except in law school, everybody pretends to like each other. Everybody friends each other on Facebook. Everybody compliments each other. Everybody commiserates about how tough school is. Then they commence shitting on the person they just had a pleasant convo with as soon as they leave the room.

You see in law school you have to act like a mature adult and can't openly voice your opinions about people to their face anymore after a few too many shots of Jameson. You have to be go through the motions of being a civil human being towards someone you despise, even if you secretly wish that someone would get eaten alive by a pool of piranhas. Well that is bullshit. If you don't like somebody you shouldn't be "friends" with them on an internet social network. You shouldn't engage in awkward personable small talk with them. You should just...you know...not associate with them. I think your jokes are stupid, hate hearing you open your mouth in class, and enjoy drinking more than 2 Miller Lites at Happy Hour. So I probably won't be hitting you up to hang out this weekend. Lets not go through the motions of being civil here.

All this being said...lawyers make shitloads of money, drive fancy cars, and are pretty much the only job market impervious to economic recessions. So if you're in law school...and manage to tolerate the above aforementioned shitbags for three years there will be a six figure salary and Mercedes convertible waiting for you at graduation. Guaranteed. So go ahead and gut it out kids.