I Kan Hatez Yor Kittyz?

Lately my neighbor has been pissing me off. Specifically his stupid goddamn cat "Gus" has been pissing me off. He is always rolling over to my balcony annoying me and my dog that would love nothing better than to eat Gus for dinner with a nice Chianti. He just sits at the window and stares in with his stupid evil grin while my puppy flips his shit. There is nothing that can be done about this of course because stupid Gus is owned by his even stupider cat owner. Cats...and Cat People...PISS..ME..OFF.

First of all wtf is with Cat names? They are all given stupid pseudo-intellectual human names like "Gus" or "Miles" or "Tobey." These are not pet names they are the names of fucking Harvard professors. There are of course some exceptions to this rule with your extra retarded cat owners who name their Kitty anything cute with the word "Meow" in it such as "Princess Meowers" or "Captain Meow Meow." I would never think to name my Dog "Prince Woof Woof." Dogs are given cool badass names like "Rocky" or "Scrapper" or "Buster" because someday we will have human children and be forced to give them boring human names, (unless you're Gwyneth Paltrow) so this is your chance to still have fun with the naming process.

Also the idea of a pet is an animal that you own that stays in YOUR house. Animals that just wander around town are known as "strays." Unless of course you are a cat owner or specifically "outdoor cat owner." In this case your cat just wanders around annoying other people (like myself) all around town until he feels the need to be fed by his owner. WTF. That cat is not your pet just because you feed him when he comes back around. That's like saying "Oh yeah there is this pigeon that flys around and occassionally hangs out on my porch. I feed him bread crumbs. He is MY pet bird Sir Chirps a Lot."

As for cat owners these people are generally more annoying than their despicable feline companions. First, what the hell is with cat owners putting costumes on their little furballs? Cat owners love dressing their cats in hats and costumes. Cat owners made entire websites devoted to pictures of their pets in weird poses with some misspelled saying on it. Hey look! It's my kitty hanging from a fan "I CANZ HAZ GRAVATY???" Tee Hee. What a bunch of fucking weirdos.

Second of all, cat people have stupid arguments for why cats > dogs. Cats are better pets because they are "clean" and "independent." You don't have to take them outside to do their business. Yeah instead you keep a litter box in your house for the cat to do his business in. Your kitty may be "clean" but last time I checked one of the rooms in your house smells like cat urine and that is fucking disgusting. Also Cats are not "independent" they are just selfish, disloyal assholes. I was once nice enough to feed a stray cat on a daily basis that hung around my house for a couple weeks. He repaid me by crapping on my carpet, and running off to live with the Mexican family across the street. Hope you enjoyed your tuna Mr. Kitty. DICK.

Long story short, dogs are loyal obedient pets that will always love you as long as they get their puppy chow twice a day. That's all they ask for. You can beat your puppy with a spatula (PETA for the record I have never done this), and they will still come running up to you when you get home from work, tail wagging with a big smile. Cats are ungrateful assholes that use you at their convenience, show no affection, and wander around town annoying all the other people that don't technically "own" them. And their owners are creepballs. So fuck you guy in Apt. 3114. Your cat doesn't look cute in his bunny costume, and I will punt him off my balcony the next time he comes over uninvited.