Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bands that suck balls: LINKIN PARK


It always sucks when a shitty band gets famous and takes over your airwaves. It is however, even worse when an entire shitty GENRE gets big and begins to dominate your airwaves. Usually the genre eventually fades and is dismissed as a fad, but there is always one band from said shitty genre that refuses to let it die. I give you this weeks Band That Sucks Balls: LINKIN PARK.


In the early 90's a band called Rage Against The Machine burst onto the scene. They totally kicked ass. They combined the best elements of angry hip-hop with metal to create an awesomely killer sound. Unfortunately Rage Against the Machine was responsible for birthing the "Rap-Rock" genre which ended up being quite possibly the worst musical genre in history. You see a bunch of bands saw the model set by RATM and just decided to combine rap and rock, without being good at either, into one massively shitty musical mutant. And you know what...people ate it up.


Rap-rock frontman were generally some angry suburban white kid that obviously couldn't rap, but couldn't really sing either so they just alternated doing mediocre renditions of both in their song. They'll rap a verse and then kinda scream/yell the hook while the shitty backing band plays the same thrashing pseudo-metal riff on repeat. Linkin Park however, came up with a brilliant idea which is apparently the reason why they are still here while the Limp Bizkits and Korns of the world have dissapeared. Rather than have one shitty rap-singer, Linkin Park decided to make you feast your ears on the vocals of BOTH a shitty rapper AND a shitty rock singer. I mean why let just one untalented asshole bear the burden of being the frontman?


This is the format for every Linkin Park song:


(1) slow gloomy intro with piano chords

(2) Shitty rap verse

(3) Bridge: shitty rapping fades while quiet shitty singing sets in

(4) Hook: Singer screams hook and band breaks into sudden shitty thrash metal riff.


So for example lets say Linkin Park has a song called "Pain" (not far fetched). After the intro, the rapper would start rhyming the word "pain" with "rain" and "gain" in shitty rap couplets. Singer then starts to quietly whisper "so much pain..can't stand the rain" slowly building. Then the hook comes in, band thrashes into full force and the singer screams "IIIIIIIII'M IN SO MUCH PAAAAIN, I CAN FEEEEEEL THE RAAAAAIN, THERE IS NO GAAAAAAIN, I'M IN SO MUCH PAAAAAAAIN!!!"


There I just wrote Linkin Parks next hit and the theme song for Transformers 3. That took 30 seconds.


The actual band of course sucks at playing their instruments. That is why they are only allowed to contribute to the thrash of the hook. They are not allowed to play solos, or even drum fills, because that would be disastrous. No you guys get to thrash rock out for 30 seconds at a time during the hook and then sit back while the gloom sets back in and the shitty rapping resumes.


Unfortunately they might be here for good. Jay-Z decided to do a shitty rap/rock mashup album with these assholes (where they just..sang each others songs..mixed together) and lent the band undeserved credibility. Goddamit Jay-Z. Seriously Jay-Z could make a rap-rock song with the Jonas Brothers and they'd be bumping that shit all over hip-hop stations 24/7, BOOM number 1 on the urban charts. And Michael Bay decided they should do the soundtrack for all his shitty summer blockbusters because their jams go well with cartoonish explosions. And Michael Bay will make summer flicks with explosions FOREVER.


I think the only solution is for Rage Against the Machine to return, make awesome music and destroy the morale of Linkin Park and any other shitty copy-cat rap-rock bands still left that are an embarassment to the original model. Seriously guys you birthed this shitty genre, you can kill it. I can't take any more of Linkin Park's shitty music it does nothing but cause my ears...."SOOOOO MUCH PAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!"

3 comments:

  1. You summed up what I exactly what I have thought about these no talent kids but I was not able to nail it as good as you did. Great job, couldn't agree with you more!

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  2. very well said,death to this insufferable microbes

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