Bands that Suck Balls: John Mayer

There are obviously a lot of shitty musicians out there. That however, doesn't mean that I openly despise all of them, because a lot of them stay off my radar. If you're a shitty musician and somewhere deep down you at least realize that you're a shitty musician that doesn't really bother me. You are just in the business to make money and get chicks. Fine. However, when you are a shitty musician and purport to be a badass, then THAT pisses me off. This week's Band (err person) that Sucks Balls: John Mayer.

John Mayer is a fucking douchebag. God I hate this asshole. John Mayer first came on my radar in college. His first "hit" that I remember was "Your Body is a Wonderland." This was the song that all sensitive losers used to get laid, and is the most awful slow jam ever written. Seriously if Marissa Miller told me she'd bang me on the condition that we listen to "Your Body is a Wonderland,"I'd at least debate the proposition for 2 minutes. There were these two "aspiring musician" clowns in our dorm that loved John Mayer, and would sit in the courtyard with their acoustic guitars and play John Mayer jams and comparable sensitive VH1 rock. It took everything in my power not to ever go "Animal House" guitar smash scene on them.

Anyways after that I didn't really encounter John Mayer too much, and didn't give much thought to his shitty acoustic chick rock. Then something happened. John Mayer became..."cool." First Rolling Stone did a "100 greatest rock artists" where every entry was written by a modern musician. For some reason the author of the Jimi Hendrix entry ends up being..JOHN MAYER?!? What the hell? So I read the article and it's actually halfway decent. John Mayer talks about how much influence Jimi's music had on him. Then he starts going around telling the public how at heart he is a blues guitarist. He starts jamming with Eric Clapton, B.B. King and Buddy Guy at blues festivals, because he wants to be recognized for his guitar chops. He gets proclaimed a modern "Guitar Hero." Of course when all this happened I was confused considering the fact that I just knew him from his "Wonderland" days. So how does John Mayer explain that "phase?" By telling everyone that he had to be a pawn in the music industry before he could make "true music." He HAD to write these shitty ballads to make it big before he could play stuff closer to his heart.

So at this point you'd think John Mayer would...you know..actually start releasing cool music. NO. John Mayer comes out and is still playing his shitbag brand of sensitive chick rock. Except now people are actually recognizing him as an "artist" because he told people he was influenced by cool music. Fuck that. John Mayer's music is horrible. First of all he could jam out the most badass guitar solo ever in a song and I would still not be able to enjoy it because of his fucking vocals. John Mayer has THE WORST VOICE EVER. I have no idea who taught him to sing like that. His voice sounds like James Taylor whispering in a library. Occasionally his music now gets classified as "soul music." WHAT? WHY? Just because he hits high notes when singing the hooks of his lame ass songs? That makes him a 12 year old choir girl not Al Green.

Just when you think John Mayer can't be more of a douchebag he starts acting like a badass rockstar. He gets tatoos and starts showing them off with his totally rad wife beater. He walks around in shades at all times. He gives interviews and tries to be funny with random offensive comments like "I don't bang black chicks, my dicks sort of like a white supremacist." And somehow this leads to him dating all these hot hollywood starlets and models. Fuck that bullshit. I have had it with this asshole. Your music sucks. You are not badass AT ALL. You are a tool. END OF STORY.

Unfortunately the sensitive rock scene is obviously flourishing currently so there is no visible end in sight for this jackass' career. Which would be fine if he would just stop pretending he's cool. And telling people how cool he is. Just make your shitty VH1 rock, admit you are just in the music business to make money off of sensitive chicks, and then go back into your cave with your fucking acoustic guitar and write some more sensitive chick songs. Just don't portray yourself as a badass blues guitar hero. Stevie Ray Vaughan was a fucking blues guitar hero. You are a homeless man's Cat Stevens. SHUT THE FUCK UP.