Assholes: Ruining Patriotism Since 9/11

Last night I was doing my usual Sunday thing watching AMC's "The Killing" (Rad Show)while blogging about the Royal Wedding and the stupid chicks who woke up to watch it. Suffice to say I was kinda zoned out from society, not logging onto facebook to check out people's lame lives, and certainly not checking up on world news headlines either. Then all of a sudden I started getting random ass messages from people. "America FUCK YEAH!" read one. Um..ok one of my drunk buddies is feeling randomly patriotic. Then another one "WE GOT THAT BITCH!." Wait ok so what bitch have we gotten? What does this have to do with America's awesomeness? Then upon switching the channel from AMC to every OTHER channel on TV, I discovered what all the fuss was about. Something I never dreamed would happen, had gone down. We had "gotten" motherfucking OSAMA BIN LADEN, grand emperor of all assholes. Namely "we" (America pew! pew!) had found him, and put that son of a bitch six feet under. What a great night for America. Almost ten years after the tragedy of 9/11 we had gotten the man primarily responsible for the attacks (along with being the mastermind of countless other terrorist acts that also took many lives across the globe). Score a fucking win for America. Even though it took us longer than usual we had proven once again that if you fuck with America you will (eventually) get deal with.

So the celebration was on. Rad friends of mine stormed the streets of NY and DC celebrating as only America knows how...by getting black out drunk in public and chanting patriotic phrases in crowds. Needless to say I had a couple incoherent voicemails at 2am where all I could make out was the caller's general sentiment that America was awesome. So I thought to myself, this is great. Just as 9/11 had united us in a time of grief, us popping a cap in OBL's face had united our nation in a time of joy, where everyone in America could once again agree on something. Then..Monday happened. I expected to go to work and basically spend all day celebrating "wave your flags and shoot your six shooters in the air" day by unofficial state law (after all I live in Texas). Instead the office cronies were in a solemn unexcited mood. No flag waving, no general sense of happiness over last night's monumental events. Then I logged onto Facebook (always a mistake). All the simple unbridled joy of the night before had been replaced with batshit conspiracy discussions, whiney assholes on soapboxes stacked sky high, and a million amateur political pundits offering their analysis of the Osama killing. After all this I realized what was going on. Once again assholes...were ruining patriotism.

When I say "assholes" I don't mean exclusively Republicans, or Democrats, or hippies, or rednecks, or hipsters (ok scratch that all hipsters are assholes). I mean ALL OF YOU. All of you fucking assholes who go out of your way to divide our country because your only purpose in life is to prove that your side of the story is right at any cost. You assholes that can never take a neutral stand ONCE and just come to an agreement on something for the sake of the common good of this nation. You assholes that never look at the USA as simply Team America (World Police), because you are too busy with the agenda of team Jackass or team Dumbo. Well I am here to say FUCK YOU. ALL OF YOU. You ruin EVERYTHING and now I will address both of you independently like the groups of children you are.

1. Dear Huffington Post Afficionado who can't think for himself,

Fuck You. You couldn't just enjoy a great evening for America that happened under the watchful eye of "your" Democratic regime. You couldn't just cheer loudly in approval, without resorting to your natural instinct of jumping on a soapbox. First of all your side didn't "win" anything. A bunch of liberal dickheads decided to paint this as a "victory" for the Obama administration. Proof that the party that they had voted into office, was solely responsible for bringing down the Al Quaeda mastermind. Ok for the record, Barack Obama and Joe Biden didn't storm Bin Laden's lair with a ground force unit themselves last I checked. So "they" didn't take down Osama. Our Rad military did. Sure they may have approved the final attack after they were informed of the location of King Dickwad in Pakistan. They may have appointed some people that set out an effective way of approaching OBL's capture. Ultimately however, without the effective execution of the gameplan by our actual military forces all this brilliant planning is for nothing. Phil Jackson's playbook doesn't win championships with the LA Clippers roster.

The other thing I saw whiney liberal pussies doing, was creating conflict with both their political opposition, and within their own party, by crying about the appropriate reaction to the OBL kill shot. "Waaaaaah. Mike Huckabee said Osama Bin Laden was a murderous asshole that belongs in hell! :( He's a meanie redneck, this is why people hate us." Um...that all sounds pretty accurate to me. That's like calling somebody an asshole for saying "Kim Kardashian is a bimbo slut who fucks any black guy with a shoe deal." Stating a harsh fact doesn't automatically make you a dick. Second of all I hate the "This is why the terrorists hate us" argument by the pansy patrol. "We get drunk and riot and wave American flags THIS is why they hate us." OR "We said Osama Bin Laden deserves to burn in hell THIS is why they hate us." Terrorists hate us because the cost to build our football stadiums exceeds their country's GNP, and we allow women to show their ankles. I don't think being a little more polite is gonna change that. So get off your PC high horse, stop taking credit for everything, and stop complaining about people's joy. Assholes.

2. Dear Glen Beck Enthusiast who loves uncovering dirt,

Fuck you. Can't you ever let something be without wondering aloud about the "true story" behind it? "Well we just killed the world's most notorious godfather of terrorism...BUT WHAT'S THE REAL STORY??" NOTHING. We fucking caught the asshole and capped him. Yaaay!! America WOO HOO!! Why do you have to be a dick and overanalyze what possible batshit conspiracy is going on behind the scenes? One of the gems I heard today.

"I think it's conveniant that we magically found Osama NOW..so close to the election. I heard that he's most likely been dead for over three years now."

Seriously did you just listen to yourself? Yeah it's really conveniant that ONE AND A HALF YEARS before the next election Obama's cronies randomly uncovered a corpse to guarantee themselves another four years in 2012. Pretty sure with almost half his term left, Barack can't just mail it in and start kicking baby strollers if he wants to be re-elected, just because he took out OBL. Also in this day and age where it's almost impossible to keep ANYTING completely under wraps, with all the media prying, I have to imagine it'd be pretty hard to kill the world's most famous terrorist, and put him in the freezer for a couple years with nobody leaking it. I guess any Bin Laden messages on Al Jazeera were just fabricated. Also I love the "I heard" part. Oh so is there a secret pipeline of insider info that runs from the CIA to your home? Oh your wife's cousin in the military said it. Right. And your 2nd cousin is a doctor who only treats immigrants who abuse free healthcare. Sure.

Along with their penchant for batshit conspiracy theories, conservatives of course have not taken a liking to how the other guys have celebrated their perceived "victory." How they've taken all the credit for Osama swimming with the fishes currently. How they've bragged about accomplishing something a prior administration couldn't. You know what..you're probably right. They probably are dicks for acting this way. You know what though. Your guys would do THE SAME FUCKING THING in their shoes. Oh you though Obama's speech was a little self indulgent? yeah you're right..he probably should have addressed everyone on a fucking battleship with a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner behind him: Waaay more subdued. You really think if your guys had "caught" Osama they wouldn't be tooting their own horn a little bit about it? You know like when we "stormed" Saddamn Hussein's "fortress" and took down the mighty city of Baghdad. Of course they would, because ALL politicians are self-indulgent dicks who will use any major accomplishment for political campaigning. So lets not be naive, and act like things would be different with the shoe on the other foot.

Anyways, in the end all rants like this do is stir up more anger on both sides over who's right and who's wrong. Which regime (when in power) had more to do with the job getting done. What "the real story" is. Well the real story is this: Neither of your "favorite teams" (I mean...."party you blindly support") can take full credit for the Osama takedown. Or even primary credit. The only people who should truly be credited with accomplishing anything here...are the only people who don't give a fuck which political party is in power.

(Insert sappy Stan Marsh message theme music from South Park).

The people who go to work and fight for our country whether a Democrat, a Republican, or a Chimpanzee is giving the orders. Our US Military. Lost in all this stupid bickering, conspiracy theorizing, and crying about why the terrorists hate us, is the fact that they accomplished something for our country. So we should all be patriotic and just be happy that America as a whole was "victorious" in some capacity. Rather than just acting like a bunch of assholes like we always do.

Now..back to the celebration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WXhO_-e3bM