Thursday, May 5, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL


This weekend from NetFlix the indie music documentary "Lemmy" arrived for my lazy sunday viewing to pleasure, and I have to say my review was a resounding two thumbs up. Generally, when you hear the words "indie" and "documentary" together, you think of some movie where a guy eats Big Macs for a month to prove they're unhealthy, or some shit about endangered penguins. Occasionally however, the word "indie" just means "Too Rad a concept for a major studio to touch." Which was the case with Lemmy, a behind the scenes look at the daily existence of Hall of Fame Rad Dude Lemmy Kilmister, frontman of Motorhead. If you want a tutorial in "How to be an epic rock badass 101" I highly recommend you check out Lemmy. Seriously if one hour in you don't have the sudden urge to drink a liter of Jack Daniels, smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds and go on a speed bender, you basically have no penis. Anyways, Motorhead is living proof that a band can survive countless lineup changes over the course of decades as long as they have a frontman so badass that his aura of Rad will overshadow any collection of lesser men you put around him. On the other hand if you have a total douchebag fronting your band, it doesn't matter how many badass rock musicians you put behind him, the results will be lame (see Van Hagar). Then of course you have modern music where a band can consist of one whiney Dipshit, backed by an interchangable crew of pansies, and be classified as rock & roll. I.E. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL.

Seriously where the fuck do these bands come up with their names? "Dashboard Confessional?" Huh? There is absolutely nothing rock & roll at all about either a "dashboard" or a "confessional," unless we're talking about doing lines off the dashboard of your convertible while confessing to the bassist that you're banging his girlfriend. Of course I looked up the origins of this assfuck name and found that the band's name originated from their song "The Sharp Hint of New Tears" off their debut album "The Swiss Army Romance." Ok that told me nothing. Basically your pussy band wrote a pussy song for their pending pussy album and then derived a pussy band name from the lyrics. Moving on. The band's one man mastermind is the former American Apparel employee pictured above. In high school he was voted "Most Likely to Dissappoint his Father." Seriously are you kidding me? I don't think this guy has grown a pube yet. If my son showed up to Thanksgiving dinner dressed like this I'd tell him to get out of the house and go fucking beg for turkey at the local homeless shelter. Sweet rolled up checkered shirt douchebag. Really compliments your size 27 girl jeans, designer trucker hat and the last remaining pair of doc martens on earth. Also I don't care how many tattoos of unicorns and rainbows you ink down your sleeves tough guy I'd still wager against you in a fight with Justin Bieber. Lets take a listen to what assfuckery this dipshit passes off as rock music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j82FBbgpUy4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVN2b0DdZAQ

So basically this band is like John Mayer meets Michelle Branch with more sad feelings. Awesome. As usual singing is a foreign concept to the band's singer. In our first hot number here he chooses to just whimper and whisper through the lyrics, until he gets to the chorus where he screams in grandiose pansy fashion like some sort of emo Bono. For some reason he bothers to strap on a guitar, even though he strums two chords at an inaudible level for 80% of the song. I don't even know why he has a backup rhythms. They also turn their amps all the way up to 3 and strum out two chord melodies. The drummer's role is just to look fierce during his rare drum fill, to offset the sea of strumming and weeping in front of him. Since Dashboard's actual instrumental talent is zilch, you kinda zone out from their soft emo balladry, and find yourself listening to the actual lyrics of these lame sounding songs. Which are actually 10 times worse than the band's actual music. Lets look at some of this pussy poet's finest verses.

"Another sun soaked season fades away, you have stolen my heart..."

(WAAAAH)

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me? So I die happy"

(Yes somebody please kill this asshole so we can all die happy)

"My heart is yours, to fill or burst. To break or bury. Or wear as jewelry. Whichever you prefer"

...

Ok are you serious with that last set of lyrics? Was that a joke? Options apparently presented to chick who doesn't want to bang Dashboard's singer ever:

(A) Stomp, break, or bury his heart.
(B) Wear it as Jewelry

How exactly do you wear a guy's heart as jewelry? That might be the single lamest emo pickup line analogy in history. This is basically the scribblings of a hopeless romantic 6th grader in his mead composition book, passed off as a rock song because some assfuck with sleeve tattoos and skinny jeans whispered it while lightly strumming a guitar. Somebody please stab this douche in the heart before he writes another cheesedick analogy about it.

The problem of course is that there are masses of chicks that LOVE this sensitive emo poetry bullshit, which is why bands like Dashboard Confessional keep getting signed to record deals and keep selling out venues. Most rock bands have at least somewhat of a split in their fan demographic amongst the bros and hos, but I'm pretty sure chicks are 97% solely to blame for Dashboard's rise to fame (with the other 3% being the sad douches trying to impress chicks with their sensitivity). So I beg of you ladies. Please stop supporting this pansy garbage. The American male as a species is already rapidly nearing extinction, in direct conjunction with the demise of rock music. So stop encouraging the existence of these pussies. If some clown with sleeve tattoos and skinny jeans wants to write sensitive music for chicks he can go be a songwriter for Sara Bareillis. Just keep him off my rock radio and definitely off my fucking lawn.

7 comments:

  1. Though you're correct that Dashboard is a scream-O pansy band, you've gotta watch his unplugged before you bash his talent. And by talent I mean his abibity to pull pussy at any moment without warning. What's more manly than that? On another note you missed one of his rad lines; "...breathing is a foreign task, And thinking's just too much to ask, and you're measuring your minutes by a clock thats blinking eights." This is clearly about coming off of an all day/night coke binge where you just can't sleep. Something rock stars, as well as disheveled professionals partake in regularly in America.

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  2. Good pick. Talk about big time pusses. There ought to be a law that requires someone to get a permit before they can play music. If these dickasses went to the board for approval they would most certainly get a "pus" stamp which would disqualify them from touching a guitar, appearing in public with gay clothing, and talking.

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  3. "Lemmy" is crotch cheeze when it comes to talent vs DC. You need to quit cleaning out you ear wax with your drill press. The air is just whooshing through up there...

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  4. I seriously HATE cock-sucking Dashboard Confessional...No really! I'd rather be forced to live as a farmer over having to listen to the garbage they call music! I mean seriously! -_- The following quote was probably an actual event which resulted in the band's lame-ass name..."There is absolutely nothing rock & roll at all about either a "dashboard" or a "confessional," unless we're talking about doing lines off the dashboard of your convertible while confessing to the bassist that you're banging his girlfriend."

    Now to me, I am pretty sure this guy and his band are okay with cheating. WELL I'M NOT!!!!! I say bring Carole King over to their house and have her ass-rape the aforementioned girlfriend with a barbed wire dildo!!

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  5. Are you paying more than $5 / pack of cigs? I'm buying all my cigarettes from Duty Free Depot and this saves me over 50% on cigarettes.

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  6. I live in rural tennessee and every tom and hairy dick wears plaid shirts and trucker hats. Its either that or a wife beater and a trucker hat. Its the southern hick uniform.

    That said, this band is the worst.

    Shit like this and the decemberists reminds me of part of a rap lyric by el-p:
    "Teenage poetry, martyrs without causes."

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