Bands That Suck Balls: YUCK

Hipsters have never exactly been high on my list of favorite people in the world, but lately my opinion of them has really hit the shits. Mostly because whether we're ready for it or not, the hipster music apocalypse is coming in full force and will be upon us before we know it. No longer content to languish away on stage 3 at ACL and in Williamsburg clubs, Hipster bands are now doing that most un-hipster of things and actually making their presence felt on the mainstream. First LCD Shitsystem: decided that they had reached the status where they could play a final farewell show at Madison Square Garden. Yeah..these shitbags: http://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2011/01/bands-that-suck-balls-lcd-soundsystem.html Worse yet they sold out the fucking Garden in about 10 minutes, and there were hipsters all over the internet that were enraged because they actually COULDN'T score tix to this assfuck band's goodbye show. Jesus Christ, you'd think Led Zeppelin was reuniting for a one-off set in London (wait that already happened...I was there). Then the Grammys came along Sunday, and while I had low expectations for this meaningless awards show I never in my wildest nightmares imagined some horrendous indie rock outfit would win album of the year: http://getoffmylawnkid.blogspot.com/2010/11/bands-that-suck-balls-arcade-fire.html . Then that actually happened. Are you fucking kidding? That was the best album of the ENTIRE YEAR?? Well all this is gonna have to stop. It is our duty to now make sure every horrendous hipster alt-noise rock band is stopped before they even get close to making it big. Starting with this week's Band That Sucks Balls: YUCK.

Getting the obvious joke out of the way early, Yuck is aptly named considering the fact that their music is disgustingly awful. As usual they fit the profile to a T for your everday fucktard hipster band. We've got an ugly bitch with bangs in the band, who also happens to be Asian earning them extra indie cred points. We've got the fat quirky guy who probably sucks dick at whatever instrument he plays but is the band's fan favorite for being eccentric. After he all looks like Seth Rogen and Questlove from The Roots had a lovechild and dressed him in rolled up skinny jeans. Then we have the brooding quiet guy on the right, in a pseudo retro bomber jacket and sweet combover of his receding hairline (also rocking rolled up jeans, is this band auditioning for Grease?). Finally Tim Burton threw on a Canadian tuxedo and Doc Martens and decided he would front a rock band this century. What a dipshit. He looks like Robert Smith from the Cure went easy on the eyeliner and grew an attitude. Regardless we shouldn't judge a pack of dickheads by their cover. I mean music critics certainly haven't, as they've been slowly gaining a buzz in the indie rock world (translation: Hipsters are posting clips of them and links to their upcoming shows in Austin). The kids are all talking about these guys. RollingStone.com named them their "band to watch" this month. Most importantly however, they got that most important of all stamps of approval in the world of hipster rock: A glowing review from "Pitchfork."

I can't even get through reading an entire album review on Pitchfork without getting the urge to set fire to a school bus. I swear the only skill you need to be on the Pitchfork staff is the ability to create as many analogies for a band's sound, using as many references to obscure indie rock bands per paragraph as possible. Just try to fucking read this statement about "Yuck" without having your brain start to bleed:

"Yes, there's a bit of the wah-pedal guitar violence of Dinosaur Jr., and a little of the lackadaisical detachment of Pavement, but there's also the rich tunefulness of Teenage Fanclub and Velocity Girl, and at times the unadorned resignation of Red House Painters or Elliott Smith."

WHAT...?!?

Ok first of all, that was all one run-on sentence with 46 words in it. Second, there were SEVEN, yes SEVEN references to random-ass obscure 90's nderground bands in one sentence. Third, none of that psycho-babble told me ANYTHING about what the band sounds like. Nothing at all about what genre they fit into. "lackadaisical detachment"..? WTF. So they're lazy and distant..musically? "unadorned resignation"...? So they're..simple, plain and submissive on record? WHAT? Do you assholes just think you can throw out a bunch of fancy words in some random combination and call it refined writing? You know there is a chance that an English major will someday decipher your nonsensical paragraphs and alert hipster nation that you're saying nothing of substance (that day being today). I read Faulkner in college (I'm not showing off..he's fucking boring and hard to follow) that sounded like Curious George compared to this rambling bullshit. Ever needed more than 5 words to describe a great rock band before? No because all this is just a wall of confusing metaphors designed to mindfuck you and distract you from the fact that Yuck can be described in two words.

THEY BLOW.

Ok summary. All Yuck does is use a lot of distortion to make their guitars make that fuzzy sound popularized by fucktard 90's alt-rock "pioneers" like Sonic Youth. The play repetitive three chord rock just like The Strokes except they play slightly slower and all the effects make their sound more annoyingly noisy. The intermittent screeching of their guitars is prone to give you a migraine headache. Their drummer just taps out a simple backbeat, content to just submit to the noisy screech guitar ("unadorned resignation" so to speak). A "breakdown" or "jam session" in the wonderful world of a Yuck recording or live session is when the band actually pauses to turn DOWN their playing and keep their sound quieter for about a minute. So the polar opposite of rocking out. I guess this is the point most accurately described as "lackadaisical detachment." Yes they play in a lazy manner and appear uninterested in jamming out. Now that review makes total sense.

Their singer of course is your standard tortured genius pussy poet who will hopefully off himself in a mountain log cabin sometime in the near future (Now I get the Elliot Smith analogy). Quietly muttering his deepest inner feelings about hurt and alienation and then loudly whining at the chorus when his vagina really starts to sting. Sometimes when he really gets pissed off he sings like a 7th grader arguing with his parents in the "but mooooooom! whyyyy???" voice. I really wish his mom had let him go to Mikey's party in 8th grade so he wouldn't have decided to rebel against the world by listening to "Teenage Fanclub" and "Redhouse Painters" and forming an alt-noise band with the other kids that got beat up in P.E.

Anyways, I hope Yuck stays entrenched in their position as a quirky under the radar band with a following in Austin that plays the undercard at SXSW and ACL. As long as they don't move from the back pages of Pitchfork to the center stage of Madison Square Garden anytime soon, I'll just brush them off my radar and ignore the praise hipster assfucks bestow upon them. I just can't take another alt-noise rock polluting our airwaves, and actually gaining credibility and selling out real arenas in the world of rock and roll. As a Pitchfork writer would put it...

That will make me vomit profusely while feeling unapologetic scorn towards the new behemoths of rock and roll, and lead to the provocation of unbridled fury seldom seen outside the armies of Genghis Khan, and end in massive apocalyptic consequences for hipsters, who play violent distortion laden fuzz rock akin to the sound of a Black and Decker power tool being drilled into one's tympanic membrane.