Bands That Suck Balls: THE STROKES

When I was in college in the early 2000's I was young and naive, and still held out hope for the future of rock and roll. So when magazines and music channels everywhere proclaimed the "Return of Rock" to mainstream music, I had faith that maybe we were about to hit the new decade's first new wave of cool rock music. After all every era before had ushered in some cool new musical sound, brought to the forefront by a bunch of revolutionary cool bands. So I went ahead and bought all of the cds released by the so called "The" bands in an effort to open my mind to a new era of Rad rock music. So one day, on a chill Tuesday in the dorm, my roommate and I decided to just chill out, drink beers, play Madden and definitely NOT smoke any marijuana while analyzing this new wave of cool bands. Shuffle between The White Stripes, The Vines, The Hives, and The Strokes see which bands/songs caught our ear. Well the only band that really grabbed our attention were The White Stripes. They turned out to be a Rad band that churned out a couple of pretty solid rock albums and gained a rep as one of the best live bands in the biz before calling it quits today. The shittiest band of the bunch, of course ended up being the one with the most staying power, as they are still filling concert halls playing dipshit rock jams for all the cool kids to bop to. And still getting blown by the music media everytime they release a fart. This week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE STROKES.

It really is appropriate that the same week The White Stripes call it quits, The Strokes would release a new shitty single that receives critical praise, and announce the upcoming release of their next garage rock masterpiece. You know, just to completely piss me off and further question my faith in the future of rock. The Strokes absolutely suck dick. They don't write good catchy hooks. They don't have a unique sound. They can't play their instruments for shit. Their music is not enjoyable in any situation or context. So obviously they are critical darlings, every hollywood dickhead's favorite trendy band, and the hippest rock band from the Big Apple. The Strokes are basically what I would define as Andy Warhol hipsters. They are hipsters that actually got rich and famous for being artsy and trendy, and now get to hang out drinking champagne at art exhibits and fashion shows with supermodels without having produced anything of substance. I mean look at these fucktards. With their leather jackets, sunglasses, slightly long girly hair, and tattered t-shirts. No doubt wearing Converse Chuck Taylors and retro vans. The Strokes' look screams "Whoa check us out we're just an average band from the big city, scraping by in a studio apartment, that saves up enough money a week for beer and ramen." Even though they are actually rich and famous and get to hang at all of the hot spots and A-list parties.

The Strokes' tattered look is actually a clever marketing ploy to make them look like a young Rad band struggling to make it playing shows in dive bars, and drinking PBR. When in reality they are spending the weekend partying with Tommy Hilfiger and Kate Moss drinking $200 vodka. This look of course distracts everyone from the fact that their music is no-talent 3 chord garage rock bullshit. Since they kinda look cool and got famous enough to party with all the stars of US Weekly covers, they get name dropped a lot by celebs as this revolutionary awesome band whose latest CD is always what's "spinning in my (their*) stereo on repeat." All those assholes that will name off The Clash and Velvet Underground as musical icons way before joining all the conformists that happen to enjoy Rolling Stones records. Yeah they BLOW The Strokes constantly. There is nothing cool about The Strokes actual music but as long as they give off an aura of cool, it lends credibility to their complete mediocrity in the musical chops dept. The Strokes are basically "socialites" except they actually have some occupation (member of shitty rock band). Other than that all they are paid to do by their record label is look cool walking in and out of clubs at night wearing sunglasses and leather jackets, while smoking cigarettes.

Oh sorry did I forget to mention that all their music is completely awful and sounds EXACTLY the same? I don't know if you can even call their music "3 chord rock." Half the time each dickhead with a guitar plays one jangling repetitive note, that happens to be slightly higher than the chord being played by the assfuck to the left of them. The drummer doesn't really do anything other than slowly tapping one or two pieces of his kit while swinging his girly curls in the air. Their singer "Julian Casablancas" is your typical craptastic douchebag rock "frontman" that brings nothing in his repertoire that urges the crowd to pump their fist. First of all, his fucking name is "Julian." I don't care how much rock and roll heritage you have running through your veins, if your name is "Julian" there is zero chance that you rock...at all.

(Exhibit A: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_Lennon)

Julian brings his own unique brand of "singing" to the table which entails switching his voice into random octaves in a scatterbrain matter that doesn't flow in any logical fashion. He starts out by kinda crooning like a hipster Sinatra meets Lou Reed. More talking in a monotone voice than "singing" per se. Then at the hook he screams in some weird screechy yelp like a poor man's Iggy Pop after consuming few too many vodka tonics and American Spirit cigs. Basically this is every Strokes song ever written:

Dipshit guitarist 1: dang dang dang dang dang dang dang dang...

Dipshit Guitarist 2: ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...

(Incompetent drummer starts tapping away)

Julian: "last night I..was..standing..there..and taking..you over to me. And you said...lets go..and I said..."raaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh taaaaake meeee toooo theeeeeere raaaaaah!!!!!!"

(Repeat steps 1-4 twice to complete shitty 2:46 long track)

Look I can take The White Stripes calling it quits as long as in some sort of grand fair compromise in the world of rock and roll, we can get the above assholes to stop making music. Or at least get some of the dipshit celebs and fuckface critics that laud their work to get off their knees. The ability to look trendy and discuss New York Dolls records with Madonna at the Versace party doesn't make you a rock star. It makes you a socialite cock with an overpriced Stooges t-shirt that happens to know how to play an instrument as effectively as a 3rd grader.