With spring fast approaching, it's that time of year when people start to plan out their fun group vacations. Whether it's spring break, your 10 yr high school reunion, or just getting together with your college buddies, folks everywhere are currently trying to determine this year's destination for four days of partying. It's gotta be somewhere fun, preferably a trendy city with warm weather. It can't be someplace one of your friends actually lives (or the city you live in) because we have to ensure you waste money on overpriced hotel accomodations. Can't be someplace you can make a quick road trip to, because money's gotta be wasted on a plane ticket. Finally the place has to be someplace people will assume you had a crazy wild time even if your vacation turns out to be totally boring. There is always one city that people always suggest as the most desirable vacation destination for any time of year, that I always end up vetoing. Since I'm an angry old man who doesn't like comprehend anything "normal" people like doing (i.e. listening to Coldplay), I obviously don't understand the appeal of this alleged "city of sin." I'm talking of course, about Las Vegas.
What the fuck is the deal with people vacationing in Vegas? Now let me preface that statement by emphasizing that when I say "people" I mean "average Joes like myself" i.e. 20 somethings working at an average entry to mid-level position with an average salary. Or grad/law students living off school loans. How the hell can anybody who matches the aforementionded descriptions possibly enjoy Vegas? There is no way to have fun in Vegas without having assloads of money. You know who can enjoy a vacation in Vegas (And by "vacation" I mean Tuesday afternoon)? Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen has a shit-ton of funds to spend on endless gambling sprees, strip clubs, limos, hookers, champagne and drugs to keep you up for days at a time. I'm sure a vacation in Vegas sponsored by the star of "Hot Shots part Deux" would be totally fucking Rad. Last time I checked however, nobody in my social demographic has a disposable income. When your salary is $20/hr as opposed to $20mil/yr, you are gonna be severely lacking in the appropriate amount of Rad party funds needed to enjoy Sin City. So what the hell is the point of me and a group of my rad friends going to Vegas to party?
For a group of my Rad friends to go to Vegas for more than a day we would have to completely drain all of our bank accounts, savings, and parents' retirement funds in order to enjoy ourselves. Unless we wanted to do the countless number of boring "fun" things to do in Vegas. Like "casual" gambling. That's that thing where you play slots or blackjack or some other game that's not roulette/poker where you get a cocktail once every hour. Like...go to "shows." Really..? I'm gonna pay money to go see a bunch of interprative dance numbers and weird lighting set to Beatles songs? Fuck that. How bout' I just eat some mushrooms, turn off the lights in my living room and throw on The White Album instead? I guess I could go check out a rad show from Tom Jones or Wayne Newton. Oh wait, I'm not a 50 yr old mom. I could hit up the hottest club and pay for overpriced "bottle service" and listen to some shitty DJ blast shitty club anthems. During the day what is there to do in Vegas? Go to some fucking trendy pool bar where you sit and sip overpriced beach drinks and listen to some horrible DJ blast shitty club jams? Or we could just walk around taking group photos in front of gold water fountains. Snoozefest 2K11.
So who the hell thinks it's actually fun to vacation in Vegas? Well families do, since they have a solid nest egg fund to gamble with, they enjoy going to shows, and daddy pays for all accomodations and travel arrangements. Whores love Vegas because they love sitting by the pool, listening to club music, taking group pictures in front of golden fountains, and daddy pays for all accomodations and travel arrangements. Finally the largest proportion of people who go to Vegas? People who do nothing fun the rest of the year. In order to have enough money saved away to pay for plane tickets, hotels, gambling, shows, and clubs...you can't party the rest of the year. Your life is fucking boring. You think dropping $100 on a bar bill any other weekend in a normal city is "abnormal." You didn't spend $80 on tickets to see Van Halen's reunion tour and then buy the $35 commemorative t-shirt after the show. You didn't blow $200 in March betting on the hunch that your alma mater would upset Duke in the first round of the NCAA tournament. You would probably think the Rad $90 red, white, and blue 4th of July Makers Mark whiskey set DIDN'T "really tie the room together." Well clearly you are lame and need to examine how you're living out the other 361 days of the year that you're not in Vegas, cus you ain't doing it right. You can't make up for your severely low number of life victories each year with one "CRAZY" four day weekend in Vegas.
So if you are a family man, whore or boring person planning out your upcoming wild weekend in Sin City, enjoy your awesome vacation of shows, slots, and posing in front of golden fountains. Just don't expect me to come along for the rollercoaster ride. I can party like a rock star in my own home city any other weekend. In closing thanks for the invite...but no thanks. Unless of course we're spending four days hanging out with your Rad uncle who happens to star in America's number 1 family sitcom. In which case..sign me up.