Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: THE LOW ANTHEM

This week I was listening the to the classic Rad AC/DC album "Back in Black" while doing mundane tasks at my job that had me "soooo stressed at work!! :(." Anyways's "Back in Black" fucking rules and could be made into a tutorial entitled "How to Rock People's Balls Off: For Dummies," but you already know that. What you may not have noticed without a close listen, is how the song's final track "Rock & Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" really speaks on what makes R&R so Rad and separates it from noise that pollutes our air. With lyrics like "heavy decibels playing on my guitar," and "vibrations coming up from the floor," as well as "Are you deaf? You want some more" we get a clear definition of rock & roll. Namely: "Loud, heavy noise that makes the earth shake, and leaves you wanting more even as you go deaf." I know that description doesn't exactly sound like the complex, thought provoking essay of a Pitchfork writer, but hey that's all there is to R&R. As AC/DC notes at the start of the track "Rock & Roll ain't no riddle me it makes good, good sense." Rock & Roll at its finest isn't complex it's loud, simple, uncut and straight to the point. So..nothing like this week's Band That Sucks Balls: THE LOW ANTHEM.

Well. These guys are certainly lifetime residents of LamesVille, USA. One look at these losers, and it's immediately clear that any music recorded by them is the polar opposite of anything you'd hear on "Back in Black." Look at this picture closely and analyze it like one of those "photo hunt" video games at the counter of your favorite bar. How many douchetastic hipster characteristics can you spot? Well first of all, they got to this festival in the retro VW bug, even though they or their rich suburban parents could have afforded to buy the band a Ford F-150 to transport what little musical equipment they use. I mean honestly, I'm guessing this band probably doesn't stack 10 Marshall amps on stage, so they probably could have fit all their gear into a Mini-Cooper. Next we have weird quirky d-bag on the left rocking both a fedora, and an ironic creeper stache. On the right we have the assclown with the standard tight plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves look. Along with a scarf, old school non-digital Nikon camera (probably from his days as a photography major at an Ivy League school), and unkept rat's nest hairstyle. He's also drinking some beer I don't recognize, probably either some obscure trendy micro-brew or an import beer he grew fond of during a study abroad experience.

Finally we have a girl involved as is the case with all hipster bands. However, this is the one part of the equation that kinda threw me for a loop. She's not an ugly bitch with bangs. Actually she's pretty cute. Also she's not looking off into the distance or posing with a brooding look. She's actually smiling. I can only assume that look of content comes from the fact that she was just railed in the VW by some Rad dude in a Skynyrd t-shirt, while her bandmates wandered around outside discussing ways to make the festival more eco-friendly. Anyways now that we've judged them solely on their lame appearance, lets listen on in on just how much ass these fucksticks DON'T kick:


Well that performance gobbled a giant duffle bag of dicks... First of all, I guess they have a key 4th shitty musician they bring with them on the road to up their music's level of shittiness from poop to explosive audio diarhea. He looks like Zach Galifanakis on heroin and is obviously wearing a giant stocking hat to keep him from catching a cold inside the fridgid CBS studio. He plays what appears to be one of those string instruments you hear on the soundtrack of your local Chinese takeout joint. spoons? WTF? The guy with the creeper stache and pony tail (seriously kids he DOESN'T have candy!) apparently plays no instruments and is just a backup vocalist. Great. The lead singer wails in a soft whispering tone akin to somebody humming a lullaby to a baby. Not rocking at all. What is the girl's role you ask? Well when her three gay best friends take a break from their weepy folk harmonizing she steps in and rocks the house with a kick-ass... OBOE solo? Are you fucking kidding me? She could have played idk..a cello...a glockenspiel...really ANY instrument that's not a damn oboe and made this jam more rocking. Oh btw apparently I was wrong about stache guy. He does start playing an "instrument" halfway through, that entails basically..flossing his teeth and plucking.

(Insert angry hipster comment here): "Um actually it's called a vox harmonithimble and is very hard to play!!" (smells own fart).

Yeah whatever. It sucks. Moving on.

Anyways, this fuckface outfit was obviously concocted in the Rad mecca of Providence, RI at Brown University. The two founding members first met and hit it off while DJing an overnight jazz show on the campus radio station that nobody listened to. Wow. The only less Rad band formation story would have been that they met at an abstract art show banquet. I can only imagine how badass that first magical encounter was...

Assfuck Hipster 1: "Man it's really nice to meet somebody whose familiarity with Miles Davis' catalogue actually extends beyond Kind of Blue.." (Farts, inhales own scent)

Assfuck Hipster 2: "Ha, thanks man. I was pretty impressed with those obscure Coltrane B-sides you player earlier. That was some cool stuff.." (Farts, inhales own scent)

(Some blushing ensues, the two dickwads then move in for an almost-makeout session before being startled by the station manager).

Of course since this band blows, they just released a heavily acclaimed album that is adored by jackoff music critics. People who describe them as "Despairing songs at crippled-spirit speed, in stridently antique tones: long sighs of pump organ; the soprano warble of a bowed saw; the rusted-Leonard Cohen whisper of singer-songwriter Ben Knox Miller." Well sorry guy, but to me this band is just noise pollution. It sucks and is certainly not remotely close to Rock & Roll. So get this "Low Anthem" off my lawn and bring me a power chord anthem with some balls that was created in a dirty basement that wreaks of skunk beer and cigarettes. Not an alt-folk douche outfit formed on late night campus radio.


  1. I've been listening to the Low Anthem for a few years and saw them live a few times and I really like them, that being said this article was hilarious!

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