Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bands That Suck Balls: Fleet Foxes


Today with more and more shitty bands rising to fame, it's also gotten easier than ever to spot a craptastic band instantaneously. Really at this point, actually listening to what a band sounds like in order to pass judgment on their music is just a formality. There are many tell-tale signs you can notice before you even get to the miserable audio experience they will undoubtedly provide your ears. If the band has a name composed of four or more randomly thrown together words they probably suck balls. If the band has over 10 members, with 6 of them playing random string or electric synth instruments, they are likely to suck balls. If a band has two or more members who wear fedoras, and at least one girl with bangs...high probability they blow. Another guaranteed sign we haven't discussed is how the band sounds..when they're not recording slapdick music. I.e. what do they sound like in interviews when they're selling you on their product? Do they sound like some cool dudes who don't take themselves and their music too seriously? Or do the sound like a bunch of uppity dickheads that like hearing themselves talk, and using fancy adjectives to describe their music that masks how much it sucks? If the latter they are probably a lot like this week's Band That Sucks Balls: FLEET FOXES.

These shitbags recently did an interview with Rolling Stone about their soon-to-be released second album. Jesus Christ do these guys absolutely love INHALING the smell of their own farts as they talk about what types of groundbreaking sounds they're bringing to the table for their lame sophomore CD. I think they spend an hour a day working in the studio, and the other 23 blowing themselves while smoking pipes in front of a fireplace. First of all the title of their interview is "Fleet Foxes get existential on second album." Really? Do you know what existential means average Johnny Rock Fan? Well Fleet Foxes do cus they're fucking smart. Generally bands say they're "turning up the amps" with their new CD or "bringing the funk" or something comparable. No the Foxes are gonna blow you away with an overload of existentialism! Jesus Christ. "La La La we're so intellectual and reference philosophy!" Then the singer asks if the interviewer's ever seen one of those catalogs from the 1900's with instruments like a "zither-mandolin-guitar." Um no. He hasn't. He's presumably a rock critic and not an antique dealer. Glad to know you really felt the need to include a fucking "Marxophone" on this new record to really expand on your sound. Of course the band's new album is being recorded in Seattle and is apparently being masterminded by "The Shins" producer, so one can only imagine the brand of upbeat, wrist-slitting acoustic jams this new CD will bless us with.

You wouldn't guess that these assfucks were Seattle residents from the picture above. WTF is going on here? They're on a grassy hill just giggling away about how they duped some record company into signing them apparently. Are they out on a picnic at the wildlife park? More likely, they are out at the dog park with their yorkshire terriers yucking it up about existentialism and the subtle hilarity of "The Darjeeling Limited." All four of these dickwads obviously have hobo beards except for the Rad dude on the right who is apparently trying out for a new side by side picture blog entitled "hipster or lesbian?" Everybody in the band is obviously dressed in bright colored button up flannel or plaid shirts. Evidently the band decided their look of choice would be "homosexual lumberjack." There are absolutely NO words to describe 2nd clown from the left, lying flat on his belly and kicking his birkenstocks up in the air behind him. Nothing more rock and roll then doing the "Home Alone" palms to cheek face. I feel like right after this picture was taken, a chilly breeze set in at the park, prompting the lead singer to suggest they all go buy new scarves..and the band reacted accordingly: http://wizbangpop.com/images/2008/05/ferrell_plans_anchorman_return/anchorman1.jpghttp://wizbangpop.com/images/2008/05/ferrell_plans_anchorman_return/anchorman1.jpg

BTW the Fleet Foxes music gobbles nuts. They are obviously a folk rock band with an Appalachian hymn influence that make "baroque harmonic pop jams." So your standard grand fusion of suck. The Fleet Foxes kinda sound like the lovechild of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Coldplay, and a boys church choir. They're all about waxing poetic in perfect harmony over a random assortment of instruments of course. I saw one clip where one guy had a mandolin, one a MINI keytar, and one a mini xylophone. The percussion guy had to pull tough double duty as both the tom-tom drum banger AND the lead tambourine guy. So fucking lame. Actually the only time these fartknockers get close to rocking is when it's just the strumming acoustic guitar jamming out. At this point in a few of their songs they kinda just sound like some hippie folk outfit from the Woodstock era. Not good...but almost tolerable. Of course no bands today understand less is more so any time a tolerable acoustic jam goes on for too long all the random ass instruments and some wind chimes kick in and you're right back on the bridge to LameCity USA. And then everybody harmonizes in unison again while holding hands around a campfire. BOWWWRING. They describe one complex song on their new album as "a three part, eight minute rollercoaster that ends in a maelstrom of discordant horn skronk." Really? A fucking "Maelstom" of horn skronk? So what, a bunch of people blowing trumpets and tubas in some random pattern for two minutes? Remember when bands ended eight minute songs with a "Maelstrom" of guitar solos? Yeah...that was awesome.

Anyways the gay Paul Bunyan posse is apparently in their early 20's and just releasing their already highly anticipated sophomore album "Helplessness Blues" (probably more emphasis on the "helplessness" aspect than the "blues" factor I'm guessing). So we can definitely expect to hear this folk-pop-appalachian hymn choir outfit bless our ears with more of their pussy campfire jams for years to come. Can't wait. Will they interject more ukelele into their sound?? Maybe some pan flute players will really compliment the ensemble. You'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime I guess we can just hope they soon get inspired by fellow Seattle music legend Kurt Cobain and turn to heroin addiction and accompanying amateur shotgun use. Or at least that they just OD on the injestion of their own flatulence during their next Rolling Stone interview session.

12 comments:

  1. I would be extremely interested to know what kind of music you DO like. The only thing I got out of this was that YOU suck balls.

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  2. Yeah dude, Jade's right. You're an idiot. Big time.

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  3. Great Rant. The Music Scene is so terrible these days that the delusional children that support the industry will pay for anything the mainstream media tells them...

    Fleet Foxes are ridiculous boring emo trash...The may use multiple instruments in their songs but the "foxes" must do this to hide the limited range of diversity in their limited song structures.

    Brittany Spears has more diversity in her song structure than these redundant repetitive pseudo intellectual turds...

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  4. You're really ignorant. I pray for your soul. Your rant deserves nothing more than those two comments.

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  5. well done sir--I made the mistake of buying their album and I have hated myself ever since. Your rant has given me solace and joy. It is comforting to have irrefutable evidence that this band sucks and I can stop trying to enjoy their crappy music.

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  7. Somebody obviously didn't finish guitar lessons, jealous much?

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  8. GOddamn that's funny, I actually like this band too but the gay lumberjacks and the attached picture made me laugh my ass off!

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  9. Yeah, sure they're an ugly bunch of hobbits, but Bon Iver could make them all run up a tree.

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  10. It's so funny to read the super personalized feedback eg. "I pray for your soul" haha and "missed guitar lessons" haha, trust me, you don't need guitar lessons to dress like a bunch of fucking clowns and play music for the masses, you just need balls. Just like Sex Pistols and KISS and ABBA, music for the masses, nothing to it other than mass appeal, and balls. In my opinion, even Bieber has balls because he's in the spotlight forced to act like a fucking clown to maintain his popularity. That's what I want to believe, i.e. that he's not a cyborg Ken doll for the year 3030. I don't know where I'm going with this. I ended up on this blog after reading a quote of Liam Cormier's (lead singer Cancer Bats) where he goes on to describe his new found appreciation for acts such as FF. REALLY>!?!?! please say it isn't sooo

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  11. You should seriously kill yourself. You hate the Fleet Foxes, Pink Floyd, And The Beatles..... Clint Eastwood would tell you to shut the fuck up. You're a fucking disgrace.

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